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AIBU to think my mum-in-law should have given us more notice of her visit?

(64 Posts)
Bermeir Fri 01-Mar-13 13:47:35

She lives several hundred miles away. A letter arrived TODAY saying that she was going to visit us on sunday (!) and to ring if 'not convenient'. I am thoroughly hacked off with her about this. AIBU? I mean, why only a few days notice, why a LETTER and not what normal person would do and phone (email, even).

annodomini Sat 02-Mar-13 10:21:23

hmm then you do need a good excuse reason not to have her there. I think you know what you want to do. Just do it - you don't need our permission!

harrigran Sat 02-Mar-13 10:22:32

And there we have it, the really reason you are intolerant to your MIL. You should have just posted that you didn't like your MIL and didn't want her in your home hmm

Bermeir Sat 02-Mar-13 10:30:33

Can you blame me for being intolerant towards her? Frankly, I would like to have chucked her letter but, no, I couldn't cope with the guilt of doing that. This letter is (yet) another attempt at emotional blackmail.

annodomini Sat 02-Mar-13 10:44:02

A good example of passive aggression - see appropriate thread.

Elegran Sat 02-Mar-13 11:09:38

Hand her next letter to her son, and ask him to deal with it. It is his mother.

The ball is in your court. Decide what you want and make it happen. "Do what you will, then pay the bill"

But be prepared for the consequences, for DH as well as you. When the consequences happen, it is still his mother, and he will be torn between you and her.

Make sure you are quite certain that you are not being jealous in your possession of him and determination not to share him. If you and she don't get on, does he sometimes see her without you? If you can't allow that to happen without feeling betrayed - and showing it - then you are pulling him too hard in your direction. Unless you let him include his mother in a part of his lfe on their terms, not yours you are doing what she believes - taking him completely away from her.

Elegran Sat 02-Mar-13 11:11:03

You don't anwer my question on whether you have sons? Or daughters for that matter.

JessM Sat 02-Mar-13 12:12:23

Wise advice elegran. It can be hard for mothers of adults if they never get any time alone with their offspring once they are settled into a relationship. This is most common for mothers of sons I suspect.
Mind you, sometimes it is the sons that want to always take their wives along when they go to see their parents...

Bermeir Sat 02-Mar-13 12:15:03

I am more than happy for him to see her without me. I do not mind 'sharing' him at all.

We can't escape her anyway. We went on holiday once and got in really late on a friday night and too knackered to deal with the mail. Apparently, a letter had arrived during our week away saying that she was coming down on the sunday. On the saturday, her DAUGHTER (my sil) rings to say that she (his mother) was visiting. Why on earth his mother didn't ring herself is anybody's guess.

gracesmum Sat 02-Mar-13 12:26:52

It is clear you do not like your MIL so maybe your DH should visit her himself. Driving "hundreds of miles "to visit is quite an undertaking if she is getting on a bit - how far? How old is she? Does she stay or just come for a meal or whatever? Does she come to see the grandchildren? You don't say so it is difficult to be clear as to what the situation is. Even a control freak has some rights to visit her family in my book - or agree to meet on neutral territory e.g. for lunch. But if you were to go to her you would also have more control over the length of visit.
If she is just winding you up - well she is succeeding!

Elegran Sat 02-Mar-13 12:51:04

That last incident you mention was your chance, Bermeir did you say on that occasion that a letter was not the most efficient way of telling you that she was coming, and could she phone in future?

I do hope you told her that you were still recovering from arriving home late on the Friday, so you would prefer it if she delayed her visit - perhaps until you or DH phoned her later in the week when you had your heads straight again.

I feel you have now received enough advice, that is if you really wanted advice and were not just letting off steam, so I shall back out of this thread now.

Good luck.

Mishap Sat 02-Mar-13 14:06:00

OK - so we've established that MIL is a pain in the rear end!
So it's really about finding some sort of strategy for dealing with this.

Does your OH share your view of her? Is she generally seen as bit of a pain, or is she just not grert at being a MIL? - or at sharing her son?

I have to say that being a MIL is a bit of an art and takes some learning - so it may be necessary to cut her a bit of slack. But the priority is for you and your OH to have a joint strategy that does not involve you both falling out.

The trigger for your unhappiness seems to be her visits and how she arranges these - but that is not the basis of the problem - her relationship with you, and yours with her are the real problem.

Can you have a rational discussion with OH about this, or would it just cause more problems?

sunflowersuffolk Sat 02-Mar-13 15:43:55

Just a general comment - I always feel sad when people blatantly don't like their MILs. After all, they both love the son, and you would hope as adults they could both compromise a bit, and have a happy ish time when together.

It is always a little difficult fitting in with a new second family at first after marriage. For the MIL she has suddenly gone right down in her sons priorities, and it must take a bit of getting used to. Quite rightly her son now puts his wife and children first, but it's lovely if the wife and MIL can be friends.

I had 2 MILs and they were both lovely warm and helpful, and I miss them now. Some I know who moan about their MILs are so quick to take offence, and often take things the wrong way. When I hear what they are complaining about, I can always see the other side too, and think they are being a bit unreasonable.

annodomini Sat 02-Mar-13 17:43:01

I agree, sunflower. I have a wonderfully friendly relationship with my sons and their OHs. I knew them both well before they all settled down to domesticity and child rearing which is probably a good thing. Each of them, at different times, stayed with me for a few months while working 'up here' when 'the boys' had gone off to jobs in the south. They were good company and I missed them when they left.