Gransnet forums


Heartache grandparents denied contact

(45 Posts)
celebgran Sun 28-Jul-13 09:39:40

I sleepily wondered why could not post on cut out of their lives but thread has reached limit apparently!

Wanted to say how delighted I am for Nanban and it proves things can turn around.
I doubt they will for us but important try and hope.

It reawakened a lot of emotions the flood we had before our hol as we were forced clear loft. I have sorted all my daughters possessions and even bathed her baby doll and washed the clothes. We are gong to take it all over with cover note as is far too painful to keep and so much personal stuff letters cards diaries and memorabilia including from her late grandad.

Aka Sun 28-Jul-13 09:49:02

celebgran that made me cry

celebgran Sun 28-Jul-13 10:04:21

Sorry aka! funny enough I am tearful now I can't bear look at the dolly!

I was quite strong while doing it all.

I wonder if my daughter has any feelings at all sometimes not towards us I doubt.

KatyK Sun 28-Jul-13 10:06:56

How sad for you flowers

gillybob Sun 28-Jul-13 11:08:31

Oh celebgran I feel so sad for you. I confess to not knowing the "whole story" but cannot help wondering if "taking it all over with a covering note" just seems so very final. I know it's none of my business but is there not even a tiny chink of hope while you still have some of your daughters possessions? sad

celebgran Sun 28-Jul-13 15:35:34

Bless you gillybob I wonder if it may make her think and reason for taking them is also her little girls our granddaughters are 5 and 2 so they may like see mummy's old toys?

Short version our daughter cut off her entire family 4 years ago us, brother, aunts godparents etc etc blames me for upsetting her when her grand dad died and accuses me of all sorts strange whe have drawer full lovely cards and letters from her saying how much she loved me and was proud of me we cannot fathom it.

I never want to give up hope and intend to make it a warm letter always leaving door open

Mishap Sun 28-Jul-13 18:33:51

I too do not know the full history as I tend to avoid the thread, as it is too upsetting. Sorry to be so wimpy. I do hope that one day a door will open and the mess will be sorted. It must be agony. Don't give up hope.

Thistledoo Mon 29-Jul-13 19:05:03

Celebgran I am so sad for you, also would it help to post again giving the whole story to us all, you never know someone may be able to give you a bit of helpful advice. Also writing it all down you will find it cathartic and healing. (if that's at all possible) I have a turbulent relationship with my daughter and have been threatened many times with cutting us out of her life, thus depriving DGD of her grandparents. We walk on eggshells frightened to upset her too much in case this happens. (my daughter)
Sending you healing thoughts and feel hope must never be abandoned.
Be kind to yourself. flowers

celebgran Mon 29-Jul-13 20:29:02

How lovely of you to do that kind post thistledoo

We too trod on eggshells but feel not carefully enough obviously!

Really feel is unfair to drone on About my situation but do appreciate your kind thoughts it is kind words like that which give me the strength to keep going!

Gorki Mon 29-Jul-13 22:56:42

Thinking of you celebgran .I am sorry to hear about your situation and hope that your daughter will come to her senses soon. It is cruel to deprive children of their grandparents but hang on in there and you never

celebgran Tue 30-Jul-13 21:28:43

Thanks Gorki kind of you!

Otw10413 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:09:44

Dear Celebgran,
You are strong ; that is clear and you have undoubtedly done all you can to build bridges or make it easy to build bridges with your daughter . Your heartache and sadness can make not doing anything at all beyond painful . I could never part with the books and toys of my children's days because they substantiate a very real time and age which they cannot take away but if that's something you feel you must do , I an only respect and admire you for it . My dear daughter and I have spoken but it is very clear that she needs to control the relationship . She did get in touch out of the blue but only after I'd told her I'd leave her be , respecting her wishes so maybe your move may help but I'd be gentle with yourself dear Celebgran and I wish you peace and happiness today !flowers

KatyK Sat 03-Aug-13 14:16:34

Celebgran. You are not droning on. These situations are awful. I too have to 'walk on eggshells' with my daughter from time to time. But at least I see my DGD. Sometimes it is easier to 'talk' via forums such as this rather than to those closest. I can sometimes see my DH's eyes glazing over when I try to talk to him about my relationship with my daughter. I find that folks who are going through similar stuff are a great help. Good wishes to you.

celebgran Sat 03-Aug-13 20:20:51

Thank you both Katy and otw. Yes have done so much to try build bridges but our daughter wants nothing more to do with us.

If she responds to letter saying she does not want her stuff I doubt will get rid of it all. Just so painful.

Saw little girl as acquacise with her gran who so reminded memory Mollie when I got glimpse last Xmas she smiled at me and its that sort thing that is painful and you can't hide from it

Thanks for kind words ladies means so much.

Mossy123 Wed 04-Sep-13 12:39:46


Im new to this, I needed to talk to other grandparents that have been estranged from their grandchildren.

I have managed to upset two of my five daughter in laws, I can honestly say I dont even know what I did wrong, apparantly Im not making enough effort to see them, not giving enough gifts and not giving them enough money and neither of them will let me see my granddaughters, one says she would rather see her family and friends rather than me and Im appointment only, I have been waiting to get this appointment since September 2012. The other is basically a nasty piece of work, to cut it short, my son (25 yr) was only with her for two weeks when she got pregnant, I wasnt exactly happy but I supported them both throughout the pregnancy, he is 25 not 16 what could I say even though he still lived with me and my husband. All the way through her pregnancy there was drama, she has a very volatile relationship with her own mother, who I must add was not very pleased to put it lightly with the pregnancy at one point her mother had her up against the wall and said she was going to kick the baby out of her...

Like I say, there was constant drama, I brought her the buggy she wanted, then she wanted a different one, I gave them a deposit for their flat, but my son and daughter in law spent the rent money and wanted more money from me but I said no, that didnt go down too well, funnily enough they managed scrape by and get the money for the rent.

My sons are sticking by their partners over this, there is alot more I could tell, I just wanted to know if there was anyone else experiencing the same thing.

celebgran Wed 04-Sep-13 13:16:43

Heart goes out to you mossy123 you not alone there is special thread cut out of their lives we will all lend ear and try support you.

Sounds classic more we did for our daughter more. S I law resented us I think however they cut us out and her entire family long story but welcome anyway!

Mossy123 Wed 04-Sep-13 14:39:39

Thank you, I will take a look.

Mossy123 Wed 04-Sep-13 14:52:42

Hi I cant find the special thread cut out of their lives, sorry Im new to this.

Iam64 Thu 05-Sep-13 08:37:59

It's heart breaking, yet somehow reassuring to know that so many of us have a difficult relationship with one of our children. Otw, your comment about your daughter's need to control the relationship rings bells for me. Also Mossy's comment about constant drama.... Celebgran's comments about the loving letters/cards/photographs that paint a picture of loving and happy relationships, then the move into an adult child cutting off contact with all family members is another one that I can identify with. It's good to know we aren't alone I feel.

celebgran Thu 05-Sep-13 08:49:06

Totally agree 1am64 it amazes me the amount of loving cards photos we amassed over 28 years of being hands on parents to dd then wham we are not good enough I am a dreadful person where does it come from ?

In our case we do feel s I law largely to blam but surely our daughter can think of all we had together ?

Wonder if she saw her brother on tv?

Nanban Thu 05-Sep-13 22:11:09

Hello all, I started the 'cut out of their lives' thread and you can find it now on cut out of their lives 2 - which is pretty amazing and a testament to all the grandparents out there going through sad and miserable times.

I have stepped back a bit because we are treading a very fine line just now and I dare not endanger that. Everything you say touches a chord and so many stories are similar - how can that be - why does it happen. It just does. BUT hang on in there, tread gently, and never close the door on your sons/daughters and one day, against all expectation, it will, it must come right for you. At any and every opportunity, bypass all the nastiness and just reiterate that you love and care.

You are good and nice people otherwise you wouldn't be here, and good things do come.

Yogagirl Tue 10-Sep-13 11:59:15

Hello all, looks like everyone's on this thread now.
My nice D is flying to Indonesia, she's been up there in the skys for 22hrs, so maybe about to land, long trip. My nice D suggested anti-depressants (I'm dead against them!) or to take me to a hypnotist to try and get me to put my D and GC more to the back of my mind, as its been 10mnths now, and no sign of it ever ending. I've started taking 'St.john's Wort' which is a natural mood enhancer, 2 per day, think its taken the edge off a little, but the deep sadness is always theresad
What TV program was your son on Celebgran?

Kiora Sun 15-Sep-13 19:11:43

I probably only have half this story but it raised lots of feelings i'v 'packed away' I'm posting to give you all a little hope. My daughter went off with a very unsuitable controlling man 18 years ago. She had her baby with me by her side and I loved him. Things got worse and worse until She wouldn't see any of her family, we would travel 200plus to see her and the baby. she'd leave us at the door. She said the most terrible hurtful things. Our whole family were hurt bewildered. My own pain and hurt completely over took me and there are some things I did that I now regret deeply. The biggest one was that I inadvertently neglected her siblings. They had to watch as I emotionally unravelled. They have never forgiven her and I doubt they ever will. I also packed up her things because they were too upsetting to see. However I now realise that the real reason I did this was to try and prick her conscious. I also hounded her a good bit ringing up for birthdays etc. I knew I couldn't carry on in this vain and at about the 4 year point I backed off. I went to college and committed myself to a 1 year nvq course( I'm not clever enough for university!) to cut a long story short I was too busy to keep chasing her. Given time to heal she realised she missed us and slowly slowly we rebuilt our relationship. Things have been great for about 6 years now. She lives 200 miles a way. The unsuitable man has been swopped for a less unsuitable man. She or I telephone every week, we shop arm in arm. She will often kiss my cheek and tell me how much she loves me in public. We have completely and absolutely forgiven each other. Unfortunately as i'v said her brothers still hold a massive grudge. And for that, I blame myself I had no control over the tragedy that unfolded in my family but I now see I could have controlled how I managed it. I can only hope this helps and gives you hope. I well remember the empty place at the Christmas table, the pain of not hearing from her on mothers, Father's Day and Christmas. Missing my first grandchild many tears were shed much pain was born but we held on tight and survived. Would I change anything YOU BET I WOULD.

celebgran Wed 18-Sep-13 09:05:54

Kiora thanks for trying to give us some hope.

I have tried everything to try heal our rift but our daughter does not respond to any communication never once heard from her in 5 years. Never a knowledges cards presents to grandchildren we only ever seen one.

So glad you had happy outcome.!

I am feeling unwell at moment breathless and feel worse after doctor visit as got have lots tests off chest xray today.

Even after dreadful stuff my daughter done including going police to get us harassment warning I still miss her dreadfully especially now.

Hebs Wed 18-Sep-13 13:28:32

My heart goes out to everyone who has no contact with GC, I am sadly in the same situation, I now now I will never see my first born Daughter and her 2 children again, all because of greed. I don't live near them so she was living a double life, calling someone else Mother, bringing her children up to know no difference. What hurt a lot was My dad ,her grandfather who idolised her, had been totally airbrushed out of there lives, my grandchildren thought this other person was their Grandad. This was all done in the hopes of them getting a large inherentence she even pretended she didn't have 2 sisters. I found this out 1 year ago when 1 of my other daughters went to the funeral of the person she hoped to gain from. They were shocked to find out just how bad her greed was. I think I have come to terms with all of this, after mixed feelings, like where did I go wrong? Is it my fault? The only thing I can come up with is, some people are like that.