Gransnet forums


That I have known the sex of my baby since 20 weeks but not told my mum (the grandma)

(74 Posts)
Anonymous1 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:15:59

Story: she only has grandsons and has always made it clear that she wants a granddaughter. Think telling people at weddings, christenings, Christmas - random strangers whilst we were on holiday together - in front of her grandsons! "We don't want any more grand kids unless its a girl"
Repeated a lot, has caused some tension.
Fast forward to me getting pregnant, and its not been mentioned. 20 weeks came along and she was amazed (annoyed?) that we were not finding out. Why does it matter? I asked - she then denied all previous granddaughter statements untill my dad and husband said what are you on about, I've heard you say that hundreds of times...
Anyway I did find out but told no one apart from husband. I have had extra scans for medical reasons and every time she asks if I found AIBU to have known all along and not told her? Baby due in 3 weeks.

Anne58 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:29:00

Not at all! Your baby, your business! You go girl!

Nonu Wed 31-Jul-13 20:37:54

Years ago , before scans no one knew the sex , so just leave it at that !!

Very good wishes to you and your family , be happy together .smile

Bags Wed 31-Jul-13 20:39:39

I didn't know the first two times and did know the third. I not only didn't tell people but told them I wasn't going to tell them. Your baby; you decide.

When someone asked me of I was hoping for a boy or a girl, I used to say "Yes" and give them what DD3 calls a death stare wink

Hope the birth goes well and enjoy your baby flowers

vampirequeen Wed 31-Jul-13 20:44:22

Your baby...your choice.

glammanana Wed 31-Jul-13 20:46:31

Hey, I had four DGSs all the apple of my eye when this little girl came along much to everyones surprise, DD never asked the sex of the babies at any of her scans and I always said a baby brings it's own love makes no differance what the sex is,so keep it to yourself and hubby and have a happy life with your baby.By the way that little girl is 11 now and is more of a boy than her 4 elder brothers nothing girly about her at all so beware !!grin

Nonu Wed 31-Jul-13 20:50:21

In actual fact I did not know I was having twins until 6 weeks before they were they born.
The only reason I found out is that when I was seen by the Midwife and she measured my girth she said I had got the dates wrong or I was having twins.

Went to Doctor next day who hmmmed, sent me for a scan , and lo and behold she was right , I was having twins .

I can assure you that was a real shock , although twins were in my family I did not know I would be the lucky one to have them , and I do consider myself lucky that I was delivered of two fine healthy babies .

petallus Wed 31-Jul-13 20:54:05

Of course you don't have to tell your mother but why aren't you? Are you annoyed with her?

Stansgran Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:17

Is it your mum or MIL? Always makes a difference. I envy my daughter her two sons. I had two daughters and my MIL definitely was appalled that I wasn't carrying on the family name! Not smith or jones but very common or garden . My DM said all that matters was that all working parts worked.

Stansgran Wed 31-Jul-13 20:58:34

Sorry just seen the title.

Ana Wed 31-Jul-13 20:59:44

You're not being unreasonable in not telling her, but it's quite sad that you don't seem to have a very good relationship with your mum. I agree that it's not helpful if she goes round saying she doesn't want any more male grandchildren, but perhaps that's just her way? You know best in this situation.

Anonymous1 Wed 31-Jul-13 21:38:30

I am a bit annoyed at her yes as I just think the comments are wrong in a world where lots of women are not blessed with any children or grandchildren. I also don't like the thought that my sons are going to be totally overlooked and sidelined by a granddaughter. Lastly I think she's putting a lot into something that may not turn out as the stereotype dictates...

Tegan Wed 31-Jul-13 22:15:51

My ex husband walked out of the hospital when I had a daughter and when I had a son the next time my father in law walked into the hospital holding my daughters hand and announced 'you got it right this time then'. I've never ever got over those events. [note the word 'ex']. It's your business, the sex of your baby, not theirs. But I've got to admit to something [which probably conradicts what I've just said] in that, when I found that my second grandchild was going to be a boy and that I was unlikely to have any more grandchildren, I was disappointed because I'd loved having a daughter and I wanted my daughter to know what it was like. And I suddenly understood why my ex had felt the way he did [as an engineer he wanted a child that would share his interests] although I never understood the insensitive way he showed it. He said many years later that he would have had a house full of daughters and he would have been happy [she was never a girlie girl].

janeainsworth Wed 31-Jul-13 22:42:18

I think it's a bit sad too, Anonymous. I will be just as thrilled when my fourth grandchild arrives as I was when the first one came into our lives, and I don't mind what it will be! Do you think your mum really means it, or is she playing games with you?

Tegan Wed 31-Jul-13 22:50:31

Just re read what you wrote Anonymous and read the bit about her saying it in front of the grandsons sad. That's horrible.

Aka Wed 31-Jul-13 22:54:25

Of course you don't have to tell you're mum but you can't keep us in suspense!!!

grannyactivist Wed 31-Jul-13 22:58:01

You're not being unreasonable at all, but maybe your mum is aware that she has been unreasonable in making statements about wanting a granddaughter in front of her grandsons. If it's possible could you have a quiet chat before the birth and mention that you have been upset by her remarks; especially on behalf of your sons? She may very well want a granddaughter desperately, but it's inappropriate and hurtful to say what she's said in front of your boys.
I hope the birth goes well and that afterwards you and your mum can put this behind you and both enjoy your lovely new baby (of whatever gender).

Nelliemoser Wed 31-Jul-13 22:58:30

No you are not unreasonable! Its your baby not hers. What is the point of knowing what gender it will be?
Just tell your mum it will be a boy or a girl like it or not and tell her quite firmly you just want it to be a healthy baby.

Knowing the gender in advance will make no difference. Its a baby and it will need loving. Most of us grans did not have routine scans certainly not in the late 1970s. We just got what we were given, so to speak.

I hope all goes well! Let us know what happens.

Anonymous1 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:00:43

Thanks ladies for all the advice. It is actually a girl - so she's going to be very happy, but I also think she may flip if she finds out I knew all along!

whenim64 Wed 31-Jul-13 23:16:53

You told US and not your mum??? I hope she doesn't ever find out! grin

harrigran Wed 31-Jul-13 23:49:46

There is a very good chance she is one of us and then you are for it. Knowing the sex of the baby was something we had to wait for, scans were not invented when I had my children.

absent Thu 01-Aug-13 04:46:29

When absentdaughter was pregnant for the first time, her father (my ex) demonstrated all the tact and finesse of Burger King by saying, "knowing absent's family, it'll be a girl anyway" with a thoroughly nasty sneer. He turned out to be a boy, although she has since had two girls and a further two boys – all utterly lovely if somewhat exhausting kids.

JessM Thu 01-Aug-13 05:29:32

Sounds like you need to assert yourself now, by telling her that you are unhappy about this grandma-sexism. If she is that hung up on having a granddaughter she may start making the kinds of fuss you do not welcome e.g. pink frilly dresses or whatever or by making more fuss of GD than GSs. Put foot down now is my advice and tell her you expect no more of this.

FlicketyB Thu 01-Aug-13 07:30:37

Weren't we told that the parents of a recent royal baby refused to find out sex of baby before birth?

DF came from a family (of 11) where boys and eldest daughter (a very strong personality and the apple of father's eye) counted. Younger daughters got walked over. All the boys in the family who had children had girls, until the youngest one's second child (and the youngest grandchild) was a boy. I always thought this was natural justice!

I am one of three girls and I know my parents hoped No 3 would be a boy, like most of us they wanted a mixed sex family, but when DS appeared she was as welcome and as loved as much as us older girls.

shysal Thu 01-Aug-13 08:10:29

I am sure you have bought some gifts for the boys to stop them feeling left out when the new baby arrives. Perhaps you could keep some back in case they are with you when your mother comes, no doubt armed with lots of pink items! When our second child was born, the first was given a toy piano from her new sister - were we bonkers?
My mother was also tactless. She made it clear to all that she loved her first GD more than the other! In your position I would definitely not tell. It is quite common for only the parents to know before the event, so nothing to feel guilty about. It would be lovely to hear how it goes. Wishing you all the best. flowers