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What would YOU do?

(95 Posts)
Ladyblue Tue 01-Oct-13 23:15:08

About 4 weeks ago I had an email from my SIL accusing me of being unkind to my Granddaughter - she had told me she was looking for a job and I asked how it was going - absolutely nothing more!!! I was totally shocked as I had no idea what he was talking about, he then said to just forget it!! I was terribly hurt by the tone of the email and politely suggested to him that before he takes it into his head to chastise me like a naughtly child to check his facts first (actually ASK her what I had said!) He knew how much he had hurt me but rather than apologise he "unfriended" me on Facebook and behaved like nothing had gone on.
My DD tells me that it was nothing to do with her, she wasn't there! Now - am I being silly here - but if I knew that my husband had hurt my mothers feelings I would want to know EVERY detail of what happened! Now she in turn is treating me like a naughtly child and gave me a real mouthful when I asked her if she's OK the other day - she seemed strained at a family gathering. I was then told that I was saying she looked crap (had told her she looked lovely)...........I can't read this situation..............what does it look like from outside? I have got to the state where I no longer want to take this treatment from them and feel maybe it's time to step back.

Deedaa Tue 01-Oct-13 23:19:29

It sound's as if it's them having the problem - but what the problem is is anyone's guess. I think it probably is time to step back for a while and just see how things are going. Do you have other children you can talk to? They might have an idea of where this is really going?

j08 Tue 01-Oct-13 23:26:57

Sometimes all these strange email centred problems seem to morph into one. confused

Anne58 Wed 02-Oct-13 00:39:40

The curse of Facebook strikes again!

FlicketyB Wed 02-Oct-13 06:31:21

I agree with Deedaa. I think your DD and SiL are having problems of some kind, possibly ones they do not want to admit to, even to themselves, so it is easier to blame any tensions in the family on a total misinterpretation of anything anybody else says, however innocent.

I think your approach is absolutely right, step back, be friendly, but wary - and if you can talk it over with another member of the family, particularly any other children you may have. they frequently have insights into a sibling's life that parents do not have.

glammanana Wed 02-Oct-13 08:16:51

phoenix seconded here re facebook,when ever things are not going a certain way people stamp their feet and press the unfriend button instead of dealing with the problem face on.
It sounds like your SIL has the wrong end of the stick ladyblue and I would also advise to step back a bit and let them sort out what seems to be a problem they may be having between themselves,can DGD not through any light on why her father told you that you where being unkind ? take care .

Greatnan Wed 02-Oct-13 08:41:14

Before my daughter cut me off completely, she berated me for innocently asking her son how his job search was going. Apparently, if you do that you are bullying them and destroying their self confidence. I love him dearly and had taken him for many interviews as he doesn't drive and I had shared his disappointment when he failed to get a job. Perhaps your totally reasonable enquiry to your grand-daughter was viewed in the same way.
The fact that your daughter has not found out exactly what has happened does suggest that there are tensions between her and her husband, which are probably nothing to do with you at all.

LizG Wed 02-Oct-13 08:43:21

Computers and mobile 'phones must be the biggest cause of relationship breakdowns. This must be very upsetting for you. I agree with Deedaa try and take a step back and allow things to cool. My daughter has a habit of sending quite evil texts when she doesn't agree with what someone has done. Now we just let her cool down and she usually acts as though nothing has happened. But it is very difficult.

KatyK Wed 02-Oct-13 10:11:59

I agree that it sounds as though your DD and SIL are having problems themselves. I can see the attraction for some people of Facebook etc. I have taken myself off it after seeing stuff that upset me. Rather than getting upset I just deleted my account, not worth it. Texting and emails (although I do them both) can lead to people getting the wrong end of the stick. It has happened to me several times. Oh for lovely long face to face conversations (which I do have obviously, but really only with folks of my own generation).

maxgran Wed 02-Oct-13 11:19:53

Are they all mad? I would demand to know why they were making things up and tell them in no uncertain terms to grow up!
I don't know why you are upset - I would be angry!

Tegan Wed 02-Oct-13 11:43:36

I think that approach would cause a total breakdown in the relationship, especially when someone is trying to find fault where it doesn't exist. Treading on eggshells time at the moment, methinks sad.

maxgran Wed 02-Oct-13 12:56:25

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who is so totally out of order.
If you tread on eggshells - you find that you spend forever having to do just that.
I find people people treat you the way you allow them to treat you so I wouldn't be tiptoeing around them when they think my feelings are worthless!

Aka Wed 02-Oct-13 13:13:40

I got fed up of treading on eggshells around my DD too. I decided to just cut her out of my personal space. I never asked her how she was doing, never discussed what the GC had been doing when I dropped them off at night, treated her politely but distantly. I never acknowledged any unkind remark she made, never entered into discussion with her, never talked about my life or enquired about hers. This was three years ago. You could say I ended my relationship with her Maxgran.
But it did work. Eventually she caught on and started making approaches to rebuild the relationship. I've not made it easy for her as she had lost my trust, but gradually since then we have an improving 'adult' relationship.

maxgran Wed 02-Oct-13 14:05:39

I would never WANT to fall out with my daughter but if she insisted on being ridiculous and claimed I said something or implied something that I did not, then I would not be 'treading carefully'
We do actually have lots of arguments and tiffs but we never carry them on and we do both speak our minds. I KNOW if I have been unfair and when I calm down I apologise and I expect the same from my DD

I suppose everyone is different but I just could not allow my own DD or DS to disrespect me like that.

thatbags Wed 02-Oct-13 14:05:48

I agree with maxgran. Bugger eggshells!

Grannylin Wed 02-Oct-13 14:13:17

Me too.Tell it like it is.We have a family saying invented by DD1 when constant squabbles went on between the 4 siblings : Never not friends for long. It

Tegan Wed 02-Oct-13 14:22:27

But surely if, someone is spoiling for a fight, helping to fuel it is playing into their hands so they can then put the blame on you? [that's my way of thinking, especially after losing contact with my grandchildren after one unguarded outburst; and I never want to go through that again sad].

janthea Wed 02-Oct-13 14:42:27

My sister has not spoken to me or my family in three years. It was all over some misundersanding and she took it the wrong way. She went completely overboard lashing out at us, dragging up things from when we were children (I was the favourite!! Not true). She dragged her sons into it. It was a truly horrible time. My sister is never wrong!! It's everyone else's fault - not hers.

I hate it. In fact DD1 and I were wondering whether to write a letter to get things of our chest and see where it takes us. If we sent an email, she would fire off yet another offensive email in reply. If it's a real letter, she might actually think about what she is saying. sad

j08 Wed 02-Oct-13 14:53:59

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

j08 Wed 02-Oct-13 14:55:20

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j08 Wed 02-Oct-13 15:11:05

should read 'son in law' not 'dominate'

maxgran Wed 02-Oct-13 15:22:31


Its not about fuelling it.
You don't have to have a massive bust up or go mad - Its just that you do not have to tread on eggshells around people if THEY decide to cause trouble.

It depends on the situation really and if you have family who would deny you access to your Grandchildren because of a fall out you have with them then you do have a problem. I would remind my children that they should not use their children as a weapon to punish me - Its not fair on anyone, least of all the children.
Even if my children DID use my Grandchildren in this way - I would not be blackmailed by that. It surprises me how often I have read on Gransnet that children do this to the Grandparents.
What sort of people have they raised for goodness sake!

Tegan Wed 02-Oct-13 16:07:32

I actually raised the most amazing kids I could have hoped for; socially aware, kind, courteous and hard working, but an aggresive comment from me at a time when one of them was under a great deal of stress caused a complete breakdown. All families and all people are different, as are all situations and sometimes it's best to tread on eggshells [sometimes it isn't; only we can judge that by knowing the people concerned]. I do think Facebook, emails and text messages have put a lot of strain on people in many ways though, and I wonder what social historians will make of it in the future.

petallus Wed 02-Oct-13 16:12:47

I agree with that Tegan

Would just say, though, that e-mail and text is also a great help to relationships at times. So much easier to put it all in writing, send it and then let the other person read it at their leisure, think about it and respond when they are ready.

Less pressured than a phone call or face-to-face conversation.

I also find e-mail communication has deepened the relationship with one of my DD.

Tegan Wed 02-Oct-13 16:16:49

Yes; it was an email that broke the ice with my daughter when I didn't have the courage to phone or visit [although waiting for a reply was sheer torture].