Gransnet forums


To expect personal messages not to be offensive

(75 Posts)
Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 10:58:45

Today I received a cutting personal message in answer to comment on a post. I will not give the person's name as if she wanted it to be known and did not expect to be criticised on the forum she would have commented for all to see. She probably will now.

Tegan Wed 13-Nov-13 12:42:24

I've been trying to make contact with the outside world recently and, to be honest, I prefer it on here [the exception being when we we have met ups and become 'proper people' for the day smile. Reminds me of that film about the little Irish people that appear sometimes.

Stansgran Wed 13-Nov-13 12:52:26

I wish people would say who the ex members are who send weird pms. The only ex members I've had pms from are Greatnan,Granjura,j08,and Movedalot and they have all been kind friendly and helpful. Are there any other ex members?

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 13:24:35

But Stansgran, if a person sends a PM they wish their name and what they say to be private surely

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 13:29:15

confused confused confused

kittylester Wed 13-Nov-13 13:42:40

But, if they are _ex_, it hardly matters and serves them right. [noseyparker]emoticon!!

Riverwalk Wed 13-Nov-13 13:45:45

Annie I'm very confused with your reasoning!

If someone sent NINE unpleasant PMs who says you have to play by the rules of good manners?

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 13:53:05

What confuses you riverwalk?

Stansgran Wed 13-Nov-13 13:53:18

If someone sends a nasty pm it should be copied onto Gransnet IMHO. In fact a thread where nasty posts were published would soon stop and make such people think twice. Tho' im sure no existing gransnetters would ever dream of such a thing.

Nonu Wed 13-Nov-13 14:17:36

perhaps "Annie" is being tactful, have you thought of that ?

Nonu Wed 13-Nov-13 14:23:02

Polite , also ,
just saying !!

Riverwalk Wed 13-Nov-13 14:28:38

I'm sure Annie is being tactful - but am just surprised, and admiring, of her ability to be so, after receiving NINE nasty pms from the same person!

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 14:29:23

Riverwalk, with respect I will not do as others do if I think it wrong, a PM is just that private

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 14:32:33

Riverwalk, I said unpleasant not nasty

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 14:36:20

For me the question is Should I write something in a PM which I would not be proud of, were it to be published on open forum?
However...there are also occasions where personal disagreements have escalated because others have weighed in - maybe out of the best intentions, maybe not and sides have been taken, things got out of hand and GNHQ have had occasion to step in to stop too many buns flying! (Such a waste of cupcake cupcake] obviously)

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 14:39:00

Oops meant to press "Preview" - what I wanted to add is that a PM should never be offensive as such, but if strongly worded there is no guideline that says you can't reply in kind - and then block the sender - or you could always publish the PM - name and shame.

Aka Wed 13-Nov-13 15:17:53

I had a PM from someone who'd been quite abrupt with me on several occasions (and possibly I'd been the same with her) saying 'let's start again'. I replied that I'd like to do that and now we have a better understanding of each other.
So in the spirit of good will I PMd someone who has been quite offensive to me but this person has ignored my gesture. Fair enough.

I understand why Anniebach didn't report her unpleasant PMs as she was new to the site at the time.

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 15:44:32

smile aka - at least you tried.
Actually I wonder if anonymity has a lot to answer for. I know it means you can bare your soul without it coming back to those you may be moaning talking about, but it also means you know very little if anything about the people you are in touch with. I know I feel differently about GNetters I have met face to face at a meet up or with whom I have been in more personal contact or with whom I find a common interest. A forum identity can be very 2-dimensional, but where you have a more rounded picture of the other person in question I think you are less likely to risk causing offence - and I am not talking about those who seek to cause offence. Not arguing against anonymity but making a plea to look behind the "forum name mask".

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 15:50:04

Oh Dear [sigh]

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 15:52:12

confused ??? Why flower??

Nonnie Wed 13-Nov-13 15:55:53

Yes, did mean biddy, blame the Kindle!

janeainsworth Wed 13-Nov-13 16:13:45

Yes I agree Gracesmum re the anonymity, well I would say that, wouldn't I hmm
The other thing I try to bear in mind is that posts can often be interpreted in not one but several ways.
If my immediate reaction is to feel a bit hurt by something someone has put, I try and think of what they might have meant instead, and not take offence where none has been intended.
That and the fact that today's posts are tomorrow's chip wrappers, unless we want to make ourselves unhappy by bearing grudges.

Nelliemoser Wed 13-Nov-13 17:00:20

We have covered before about genuine misunderstandings due to posting style and sometimes in particular, crossed posts that happen to sit in the wrong order.

I had one of these where I probably didn't label who my specific reply was for and another posters comments just got in first. It then appeared that my reply looked as if it was aimed at the previous posters remark and in that context was rude. This was quickly sorted by a PM.

These is no excuse for abusive posts. I agree with BAnanas. If you really disagree in the course of a debate that discussion should continue on the thread and not as a PM, or you should just walk away.

I can't see Phoenix or Flower posting anything nasty either.

I have had some lovely supportive PMs and the odd private conversation to keep details personal.

A hour on and I only came in here to pick up my physio sheet. I should be torturing myself with shoulder exercises.

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 17:21:55

Thought we had covered it all gracesmum confused

Anne58 Wed 13-Nov-13 18:10:32

Prisackly Flower

Annie what you need to bear in mind is that any post on here can be read by anyone, member, non-member, journalist, other member of your family etc. However the PM system can be very useful for members to "speak" to others without the world and his dog seeing it.

This could cover things like advice on money, divorce, medical matters etc. If you go back in this thread you will see that Bags asked me why I hadn't asked the question on the thread itself, and you will see my answer, which I hope was clear.

The PM facility is invaluable sometimes, but to use to verbally abuse or threaten anyone is IMHO a violation of a privilege that we have been given.

So there! grin