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Christmas tree conflict!

(87 Posts)
Anne58 Sat 14-Dec-13 16:40:43

Hello all,

I would value some opinions on this rather trivial issue!

We usually have a real tree, but this year can't go down that route. However, we have all the decorations (all silver, plain lights, uber tasteful!) and a fake tree up in the loft. This was bought five years ago, we used it the first year but then went back to real.

The tree is in 3 sections, and when put together is around 6ft 6 ins.

I am proposing that we put it up, but with just the 2 top bits.

Mr P doesn't want to bother tchsad says that he just wants Christmas over and done with, with as few reminders of the festive season as possible.

I appreciate that he is feeling down, and this will be a cut back Christmas, but so what? We have each other and a Lidl 3 bird roast in the freezer! (I know others have said that they weren't impressed, but we had one last year and found it suited us and was good value for money) and with the Morrisons tokens (thanks to those that supplied the missing ones!) we can buy the usual gammon/bacon joint thingy to apply curses to on Christmas Eve tchgrin

I have tried to convince him that NOT putting the tree up is akin to giving in, waving the white flag etc, but he remains unconvinced.

It will not cost a bean to put it up, and I think we would regret it if we didn't.

Your thoughts, please?

PS One year when we were going to be away for Christmas (we spent it in Bavaria!) I suggested that we didn't bother with a tree, and he almost pouted! Until we met, he hadn't had a Christmas tree for years, despite his ex-wife being German.

Agus Sat 14-Dec-13 16:50:44

If it gives you enjoyment Phoenix. Do it. Tell DH, when he spots it, it's actually a figment of his imagination. grin

LizG Sat 14-Dec-13 16:55:30

I sympathise with Mr P but feel he may well regret hiding from Christmas completely. Up until today I have been saying much the same but then I had such a nice morning that I am now looking forward to the Grandchildren doing the Christmastree honours tomorrow tchsmile

ginny Sat 14-Dec-13 16:57:22

I hope you put it up.. It always makes the house look cheery. I hope you can enjoy at least some part of Christmas.

Elegran Sat 14-Dec-13 16:57:33

I would have the tree, the decorations, all the trimmings, Phoenix. They won't cost a penny, they were all bought and paid for long ago, so you can have the pleasure of them free gratis and for nothing.

Has he completely given up smiling too, and saying hello when you meet? Those things are free too, and so are lots of other little bits of sunshine. Does he think he will feel any happier if he pretends it is not Christmas and he doesn't have to see a bright tree and enjoy a special meal and the company of his dear wife?

Give him a kick up the arse and tell him you would appreciate it if he would have a go at cheering you up this christmas, and not turn down your attempts to cheer him up! Make the most of what pleasure are still around. Why does he think "the poor" have always had so many children? It is because making them is one pleasure which costs nothing.

Having said that, is he so fed-up that it is shading into depression and can't-be-bothered-with-anything? Does he need help from the GP?

Soutra Sat 14-Dec-13 16:58:17

He's clearly in a Bah Humbug mood and it is hard not to feel dragged down by that. As you say, it doesn't cost you a penny and sitting in stygian non-festive gloom is not going to do anything to brighten the economic position so I would have a strop, tell him the above and then do what the heck I/you want.
Tell him you want to call a truce to the current economic situation, enjoy what you have got (enough alcohol and a black-backed gull could provide a feast!) - think of that wonderful Good Life episode with the home made crackers and party hats!! For entirely different reasons DH is similarly underwhelmed by the festive season at the moment and I find I am losing momentum, but am trying not to let it get to me!! The motivaton may well have to be alcohol fuelled.

So crack open the mulled wine/Baileys/cooking sherry and jolly well insist that he files his misery away until after at least Boxing Day, tchgrin

glammanana Sat 14-Dec-13 17:00:43

phoenix Last year we did not bother with a Christmas tree we just put up some trimmings etc as we where spending the day at DDs and just couldn't see the point really but hey ! we missed it so so much and this pm we have just put it up for this year in time for DS1s birthday to-morrow I was shocked as to how bare the apartment looked even though it is smallish compared to our former family home,have another go at trying to kick start the festive spirit in him I'm sure he will enjoy it once it's up and if not don't let it spoil your enjoyment of your roast & gammon.wineflowers

Soutra Sat 14-Dec-13 17:01:21

PS maybe not take Elegran's advice too literally - unless you want to be back on here in February asking for advice on a late pregnancy! grin
That is a good point though - is Mr P sinking into depression with a capital "D"? Good luck!

merlotgran Sat 14-Dec-13 17:01:53

Go for it, phoenix. All three tiers and as much glitter as you can find in the loft. Plenty of free greenery to be found outside as well. The most miserable Christmas I have ever had was when I told myself it was going to be bleak....and it was. I'll never make that mistake again. Your DH might be hoping you'll put a positive spin on everything because he wants to enjoy it but not willingly.

LizG Sat 14-Dec-13 17:03:50


Galen Sat 14-Dec-13 17:07:56

Just been decorating mine! Don't know why I'm bothering as they're only coming Christmas Eve after lunch and leaving after a quick lunch snack the next day! Still it's up and lit!

Anne58 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:17:28

Thank you all for the responses.

Elegran you are right, I think he does have depression, but of course he will not go to our lovely GP. (I'm still currently on anti depressants, cut down a while ago from 2 a day to 1, really felt the difference so back on 2) As for the other suggestion/implication, don't get me started, that's a whole new bloody ball game. tchsad

He is not one to discuss things much, and today I have been nearly tearing my hair out, so sick of making odd bits of conversation and getting one word answers.

Elegran Sat 14-Dec-13 17:23:44

Is it time to stop being understanding, and give him a bollocking for not doing something positive like making a doctor's appointment? This can't go on! Could you tell him that if not, you will make him the appointment unilaterally, as it is damaging your health to have him suffer without taking action?

rockgran Sat 14-Dec-13 17:25:13

I was dreading putting up our tree this year because the grandchildren (who usually help) are now overseas. However, I just made it a bit different (used only the top bit) and went for a more sophisticated look. (all stuff we had already.) I then posted a picture on Facebook to show my grandchildren and we had a glass of sherry to celebrate. It looks lovely and we both felt quite cheered by it. You can't really avoid Christmas so you might as well try to enjoy it.

kittylester Sat 14-Dec-13 17:35:36

Elegran - good advice as usual. phoenix - shall we send the grans round to cheer him up tchgrin

Soutra Sat 14-Dec-13 17:40:21

Another suggestion mught be to sit down and discuss the way forward - ignore the Christmas angle, that has clearly heightened awareness but clearly there is more to it than that. If he really cannot face false jollity and you can't/don't want to be brutal, is there any way you could both do something else to take you away from it? Hiking on Dartmoor? Volunteering at a local Care Home/refuge? Or could you enlist heklp from friendsss - I found that when DH was going through a the worst for a couple of days and somehow back into habits of communication - even it not always with me.
I think you have too much on your plate to be tackling this alone. Maybe "whisting a happy tune" will do it ,but it sounds as if you might need some help.
(But put the tree up anyway unless it truly provokes WW III)

Anne58 Sat 14-Dec-13 18:33:17

Elegan did that before, he agreed to see the GP, I made the appointment, and come the day he quite calmly refused to go. Totally immovable. In the end I went myself, explained all etc, GP tried every trick in the book, letters saying he was due a routine healthcheck for BP etc, nothing doing!

Soutra I don't think it's a case of avoiding false jollity, we usually have Christmas day on our own (and enjoy our own little habits and traditions, ok so there won't be an exchange of presents, but I don't see that as a major problem) so in most respects the way we spend Christmas day will not be very different from last year.

Although short term things are a bit dire, we have both had positive responses to job applications, although they have all said nothing will happen with regard to interviews etc until the New Year, not surprised as a lot of companies seem to go into semi hibernation at this time.

The alcohol fuelled bit that you suggest may be a tad more difficult to achieve though! Last year Asda's own label Cava at around £3.49 a bottle was a great success!

rosesarered Sat 14-Dec-13 18:46:42

Phoenix do put the tree up it sounds as if it will be lovely. It doesn't have to go up for other people to enjoy, just for you, and perhaps Mr P will secretly like it.Christmas can be a painful time for many people and for various reasons, but a well lit and decorated tree is a pleasure to behold and is bound to make you feel slightly better rather than worse.It's also a bit of a sign of defiance, that life will go on isn't it?

Elegran Sat 14-Dec-13 18:50:56

You seem to be up against the original unmoveable object, Phoenix. I don't know what else you can do, short of getting a double supply of anti-depressants for yourself and slipping him them as a Mickey Finn once a day. There is probably a law against that.

sunseeker Sat 14-Dec-13 19:05:52

Last year I didn't put up the tree because I thought as it was just me it wasn't worth it! Christmas was OK but I did miss the tree - today I have spent an hour putting it together and decorating it and it is now lit and looking great!

When you are feeling down you do need to push a little bit harder to do things, if I were you I would put up the tree, maybe when he sees you doing it he will join in!

petallus Sat 14-Dec-13 19:54:47

Definitely go for the tree.

I admire your positive attitude in the face of your current difficulties.

penguinpaperback Sat 14-Dec-13 20:14:19

I would say as you have everything in the loft already why not put up the tree?
Christmas is not about spending lots of money and buying enough food to feed an army. But you already know Phoenix

janerowena Sat 14-Dec-13 20:28:23

Stick your cards on the wall with blutack in a tree shape?

DBh is very down today, he slumps now, at the end of term and will be vile until next summer. He had a major paddy as he finished the tree and he won't take any medication either. Every year we have this and every time it twists my stomach even though I know it's going to happen. Has he tried St.John's Wort? It works on DBH but he says it makes him a little slower in his reactions at work, so he isn't keen and has refused to touch it this year.

I know it works, because on a few occasions when I have been desperate I have ground it up and put it in his muesli. I know I shouldn't and I'm not proud of it, but it works and gives my brain a break. Tesco do it the cheapest, currently three packs for the price of two, you need two tablets really.

janerowena Sat 14-Dec-13 20:30:52

They say that men are more likely to suffer from SAD than women. He did try to stop it with exercise, and as he used to be down by mid November and now it's mid december it must work, but just not enough for my liking. Depression is vile for the person, but also debilitating for the partner who lives with them and cares for them.

annodomini Sat 14-Dec-13 20:40:00

Even on my own, I put up a little mini tree with white lights and silver tinsel. It cheers me up when I have yet another weekend without seeing anyone except when I go out to the shops. That and Strictly, of course.