Am I too 'needy', demanding and difficult?

How I wish this thread had been around about two years ago and then I wouldn't be in the position I am in with DD1. She started a degree course in ,IMO,transatlantic psychobabble . No I haven't said that or even mentioned the course but it has it seems turned me into a narcissistic mother and possibly a toxic parent. She has decided to go what is called Low Contact rather than No Contact.

Isn't it part of the problem that some people think they can speak to their adult children in a way they would never dream of speaking to another adult or a friend?

I don't want my adult children interfering in my life. I don't want unsolicited advice from them. If they want help they ask for it. If I want help ditto.

Haha Stansgran I read both those books your daughter has decided you belong too We can all be what anyone wants to see us as cant we - out of context

This thread is great. Very reassuring. I was reading relevant bits out to DH this morning.

Don't worry Stansgran my DD's counselling turned me into a needy mother!

Or so she said.

Agree with the 2nd part of your post Aka .
My sentiments entirely !

Aka makes a good point about family relationships. We need to allow our children to grow up, and make mistakes, as we did. The balance of power does change, as most of us know from our relationships with our own parents. I found the shift from simply being a daughter, into being part carer, but full time daughter a bit of a challenge. My parents were both very independent, and resisted our attempts to get a cleaner, gardener for example until it became necessary. They taught me a lot about tolerance and love, for which I remain grateful.

To jinglebellrocks: yes, it was amazing how fast it seemed to flare up out of nowhere, almost. But in the last few days she seems to have softened. She sent me a photo of my father holding the book, and she's actually ASKED for our input now in -re-editing it ( again, by text). I am being very careful to find out exactly what she wants help with, and am trying not to assume anything. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
She was always very sensitive all through her childhood and adolescence and would read things into what people said that weren't meant. We had to learn how to talk to her so she wouldn't, but I'm not sure we managed that well. I always try and acknowledge when I have been tactless, but at the same time she needs to realise that life is going to be like that - she'll meet all kinds of people who have no such scruples. Interestingly enough she seems to deal with it well in her professional life - now she is self-employed.
I think there was more going on though: stress of the move that isn't happening, as many have pointed out. That's enough on its own. I'm hoping things will just settle down of their own accord - till the next time!
Jess - I knew someone (an ex-friend!) who claimed she spoke to both her daughters EVERY DAY for an hour or more each. How they had time for lives of their own beats me! She used to tell me, rather smugly I felt, 'Well, we're a close family!' I considered that we were too but neither of my DDs or I would want to talk for over an hour on the phone every day....!

What would you think of to say?! Prefer texts myself tbh, but DD2 does like to phone home most days. Fairly briefly though! (unless I start chuntering on)

Ow stansgran Freud still has a lot to answer for.
hmm rowantree quite. umbilical cords spring to mind.
Someone once gave this useful advice. If you want to give someone advice/feedback/suggestions etc ask if they would like it as in "would you like to hear my thoughts on the issue". and then bite your lip if they say know.
as in "Would you like a few suggestions or not" and really mean the "or not" Note to self - this is a good suggestion.

Just as I was going out this morning DD phoned to say she had skidded and had a car crash, thankfully not serious.

Thanks to this thread I did not say 'you've got to be more careful in this weather. Were you driving too fast?'

Then later today adult GS had to break up a dog fight between two staffies belonging to his father (ex SIL) and sustained some minor injuries.

I did rattle on a bit about that one.

JessM I loved your 'cataclysmic utterances'. I seem to get quite a few of those. My favourite recently was I think I might live on a houseboat'.

I kept schtum and it's not been mentioned again.

It is interesting how our early experiences can impact on our adult life. At what point can we/should we make a choice to be different if we are unhappy with the way we are?
I know I was very fortunate ..I was brought up by loving and caring happy parents within an extended (refugee) family all in one house. I know there were arguments, disagreements and rows but as children we were not party to them so always made to feel secure and safe.
I have a friend who always says that her parents unhappy relationship and her 'difficult' mother is the reason she herself now needs to be handled with kid gloves. I challenge her and say that we all have the choice to behave in certain ways..habits, I accept, are very hard to break but if we believe we cannot control what /how we are /respond to situation what hope is there for ever breaking a pattern? Am I being really unkind to her?

What is this power thing? Surely once one's children become adults and especially once they become parents the emotional dynamics of the relationship change, based on equality. Of course, grown-up children have the power to prevent us from having anything to do with our grandchildren but why on earth would they exercise it because they are simply a bit peeved? (Obviously, it is different if there is a major family incident of some sort, but those are comparatively rare.) I don't think I upset absentdaughter very often but it does happen. I can't imagine her saying that I can't go to Max's birthday party or let Caitlin stay the night just because I have said something she didn't like. She is far too mature and sensible and we have too much mutual respect for her to behave in such a wantonly stupid way.

I don't think it ever crossed my mother's mind that if she upset me, I would be so small-minded as to prevent her from having anything to do with her only grandchild. And she was right.

I do not think you are Penst !
Vis a vie the power thing I think there is too much "Thinking" these days , for hecks sack just get on with it , and stop trying to quantyify everything !!

hmmmm

I agree with you absent. I find it hard to relate to these family hostilities as well, but they happen all too often, and surely it can't just be a case of upbringing or class or whatever?

Perhaps some grown-up children these days have more of a sense of entitlement than we had, and are encouraged to feel 'deprived' or 'emotionally neglected' by various media outlets and/or counselling?

Rowan, I read you story with some sadness and much empathy. I too have had some stormy times with DD, still going on I have to admit.
Your background sounds sad, but an important part of history.
So sorry for your feelings of anxiety and depression, it must be such a day to day struggle for you. So many of the replies to your post come from very wise and empathetic women that I would personally fail to say anything more which would help you.
I just would like you to know how I feel for you right now, and send you healing thoughts and perhaps a little comfort if that's possible.
Perhaps a bit of space between you for a little time to allow some healing, would be a good thing.
Be kind to yourself and keep posting on here.

But I'm capable of looking after her children when the parents are busy networking. I'm waiting with baited breath how I'm supposed to get the keys to the flat. My plane gets in at about two . My SIL has a train at three. If the plane is late(very likely) I may have to sit outside the flat waiting until the DGC get home at six as they have keys ! Last time we helped out there was a letter on the table headed WELCOME my heart leapt. Then I realised it was to the family who had borrowed their flat just before we arrived. ....

Power is not always exercised in these relationships - you're lucky *absent". But when it is, then the trouble or stress starts. I know someone who runs a "family business" and it is painful to see how his mother (who knows nothing about running a business having never been involved) pulls the family obligation strings (giving jobs to relatives, that kind of thing).
I guess the bottom line is - and people don't really like to acknowledge it, but I believe it to be true:
The way parents feel about their adult children is completely different to the way those younger adults feel about their parents.

I think that, as social animals our whole life is based around where we are in the pecking order, especially within families.

I can honestly say there's no pecking order in my family.

I agree with absent and merlot.
I've never, ever, once thought of my relationship with my DCs in terms of power.
Responsibility certainly - responsibility to provide a loving environment in which they could grow and develop, responsibility to educate, responsibility to provide financially for them until such time as they were able to provide for themselves, and responsibility to advise and mentor if they themselves perceived a need.
But power over them? No.
I wouldn't want power over anyone, because that implies inequality.
As for grandchildren, I have no 'rights'. They are my children's children, and I love them dearly, but I have no rights and expect nothing.
If my relationship with any of my children broke down, I would be broken-hearted, but it would be the loss of my own child that I would mourn.

Janeainsworth - You've expressed my views perfectly.

Wise words Janeainsworth

I agree too jane, although I adore my dgc, my own children are much more important to me.
They respect me and I respect them.

Another vote "aye" Jane. You have perfectly summarised my own views.