Gransnet forums


Denied Contact? How to move forward?

(223 Posts)
Minty Wed 22-Jan-14 10:11:43

Thought I would start a new thread on this subject, for support, sharing and above all to consider how we need to look to the future.
I am talking personally,but I have to work with the positives, I owe it to my family and most of all to our grandchildren.
It would be good to hear all points of view, practical, emotional and worldly wise comments.

Iam64 Wed 29-Jan-14 13:05:29

Thanks When for posting this, and especially for the links. I hope grandparents in similar circumstances will take heart from the outcome. I fear this will happen more as a result of the way in which care proceedings are being speeded up, and adoption the outcome most favoured by the government. Grandparents need legal advice and to play a full part in care proceedings.

Minty Wed 29-Jan-14 13:29:24

Thanks whenim64 for posting this.
Hopefully we will begin to know more about what goes on as Lord Justice Munby, wants to see more transparency in family courts.

Iam64 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:14:26

There have been moves towards transparency in the family courts for many years now, supported by all the Judiciary, lawyers, social workers I know. The stumbling block is protecting the privacy of families, especially children involved in proceedings. I do hope positive moves towards this will be soon.

Yogagirl Thu 06-Feb-14 09:45:15

I enjoyed reading the posts on here and thank you Whenim64 for the 'reading'.
flowers to you all, very sad for you Lindyloopy flowers

Dragonfly1 Mon 17-Feb-14 18:14:33

Bump for Skyler

Minty Wed 19-Feb-14 18:56:11

As the other thread has now closed as reached its limit of posts, a good opportunity for a new perspective? Possibly.

Ariadne Wed 19-Feb-14 19:08:23

Glad to see this thread back; I tried a search so that I could bump it, but failed to find it. We need a thread that feels open to everyone in need and for people to feel welcome to help.

There are apparently two new "Cut out of their lives " threads now open.

Dragonfly1 Wed 19-Feb-14 19:15:20

Dear Lord.

whenim64 Wed 19-Feb-14 19:16:17

Yes, glad you brought it back, Minty. There's a positive and enquiring vibe to this thread that was sinking under the weight of so much pain and helplessness on the other COOTL thread that has thankfully reached it's limit.

Smileless2012 Wed 19-Feb-14 19:24:22

I think not ladies as 2 posters started the third thread. There is obviously a need that some cannot identify with confused.

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 19:27:32

I am pleased to see a more optimistic perspective here.. the difficulties of estrangement must be painful to live with and, without a glimmer of hope that things could change, almost impossible.

I have a recent acquaintance, via my WI, who has kept a diary and a memory box for her estranged grandchild in the hope that when things improve the small gifts and items that she has bought (and would have given) for her grandchild will one day be enjoyed. The diary is, she says, positive and reflective about when her DD was a child. One way of keeping hope going.

Minty Wed 19-Feb-14 19:28:10

I give up

Iam64 Wed 19-Feb-14 19:32:25

Why Minty?

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 19:45:40

Minty I hope I have not upset you. Apologies if it was something I said sad

whenim64 Wed 19-Feb-14 19:46:14

Let's keep the momentum for those grans who need positive, constructive support. When I joined Gransnet, it was as a result of searching the internet for a supportive and informative place to help me cope with (temporary) denied contact with my grandson, and I found it here. The general tenor of posts discussing this issue helped me to keep on track. So many sensible women who were prepared to take a good look in the mirror to see what they could change, as well as taking a philosophical view of what they couldn't control.

(I'm sorry there is an air of excluding all but those few Gransnetters on the COOTL 3 thread. That isn't in the spirit of Gransnet)

Minty Wed 19-Feb-14 19:53:08

Penstemmon OH gosh no, nothing you said at all.

Marelli Wed 19-Feb-14 20:01:24

I don't think you've upset Minty, Penstemmon. I think she may have been commenting on the fact that a third thread has been started in the same vein.

Tigertiger Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:02

Just wanted to applaud you all on this thread for your positive approach towards a very difficult situation. I love the quote 'if you always do what you've alway done, then you'll always get what you've always got'. I think that rings so true in circumstances like this. Reflection, discussion and considering possible alternatives can lead to healing and growth, which at the very least has got to be good for the family still left in contact.

Maniac Wed 19-Feb-14 20:26:05

Welcome Tigertigerand many thanks for your very balanced,positive posting.
The title of this thread 'Denied Contact? How to move forward' is the main thing to hold onto.

Smileless2012 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:07:59

Well ladies, what I fail to understand is why, if you are so affronted with the posts on the COOTL, threads why you bother to read them confused.

There is NO air of exclusion Whenim; perhaps those who feel excluded exclude themselves because of their insensitivity. You imply that we are not sensible women, well we are. Sensible women in pain. You are fortunate that your exclusion from your gc life was temporary; we are not so fortunate as our exclusion in on going. We are not self pitying, we are selfhelping.

So ladies, if you dislike the COOTL threads so much, stick to this one. If this thread helps all of you that's great; let our thread help all of us.

And finally Tigertiger "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got " doesn't always apply in the real world". Apologies for wallowing in my own self pity but I always loved my son and got love in return; I still love my son, but now get nothing.

So yes, Celebgran was right; leave us alone, or, as Thumper said in Disney's 'Bambi', "if you can't say something nice, the don't say nothing at all"

celebgran Wed 19-Feb-14 21:19:43

Smileless that was brilliant! I could not have put it better myself!

So strange that a few want to be so deliberately confrontational.

There is absolutely nothing helpful or constructive about then downright insensitive unkind comments that were posted earlier.

And for the record no one enjoys a debate more than me, however insults for the sake of it are not my style,

Well done smileless we will continue to offer each other support as we have always done go girl your deserve some wine hell [cake] also.

whenim64 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:23:15

Affronted - no, concerned - yes. No confrontation, but some friendly and hopeful comments. Peace.

celebgran Wed 19-Feb-14 21:29:41

Friendly? Helpful?. I don't think so!!!hmm
If only they were good night to all

Tigertiger Wed 19-Feb-14 21:41:25

I'm not sure what I have said that has caused such offence, I've tried to put an alternative viewpoint across for further discussion. The level of aggression that has come back and has now seeped over to this thread has been quite staggering. Whilst I understand the pain and hurt your situations are causing I think lashing out at those with a different viewpoint isn't going to help.

absent Wed 19-Feb-14 21:59:03

I have always avoided posting on that thread, even though I have deep personal knowledge, albeit as a long-term observer, of exactly that situation. It seems that the regular posters have developed a tight-knit community and I would feel like an intruder. I think that they would also regard me as intruder as they seem to regard other "outsiders" in the same way. The wise course of action is not to interfere in what is tantamount to a private conversation.