Cut out of their lives 3

Hello Girls, can't stay long I have to get ready for my yoga class.
Nannynoo your GS definitely belongs with you and you are without a doubt the best person to look after your DGS, what's wrong with the SS? I really hope you get him home and living with you very soon, he will be happiest with his DN and you will be happy bringing him up and know him best, good-luck
Thank you Smileless yes Fridays looming . I'm lucky as it's my ND fiancée & his mothers birthday on Friday, so we are all going out for a nice meal, so that will keep me busy & stop me dwelling on it too much

Thank you Yogagirl

I am doing lots of healing this week ( ie lots of crying ) but it is good to get the pain out

I have been setting up the house though in preparation which is bittersweet and both helpful and painful but I am still doing it for him!

It helps

Morning girls
Just wanted to let you know about some really good books I'm reading by Patty Ann.
They are a trilogy, I didn't know that so I started with the middle book, but actually I think that's the best one for us on here, you can read them out of sequence, I'm now reading the last one and will finish with the first . That's the good thing about a kindle, I finished the middle book last night, and had the second one to read in minutes with the 'one c!ick'! Any way here is the title of the first one I read, if your interested;
'Estrangement, coping strategies for (grand)parents'
I found it really helpful, wish I had read it when this first happened to me, but then would I have listened then, maybe not. It's saying if your children cut you out of their lives then that is their decision made and you must walk away and just wait! Lots of friends & family said exactly this to me, would I listen I went and made it a trillion times worst! Now I could listen and take heed, but it's taken two years to get to that place.

Hi lost my reply naughty Rosie wanted come in !

Just say yogagirl thinking of,you for Friday so glad you got meal out with nice d

Smileless how old was your little chap when this kicked off?
Mollie was only 9 months but love her so even thigh we do t know each other do we as you say it hurts more than words can say that I. Kissed all her baby years.

We been as drove Down Tor road last Monday. It was t planned but roadworks forced hand. Guess what a delivery van stopped inside hers, she came of door holding Lola latest babe, chatted to delivery girl the. Went In

We agonised then decided knock on door ! Disaster she locked door and drew curtains s again! It is distressing and we now messed up our AWOL idea. I went I to asda and bought penguin. T shirt for mollie penguins were Tor thing and choc smartie Santa for mollie and Daisy plus 3 books was that stupid or what?!

I ok we been sooo busy We carpet fitted yesterday looks lovely we had friends round for Chinese we cancelled last week soo tired! took 2 hours try get straight Gra did all hoovering Etc But we had under stairs cupboard done oops so much stuff sort, dear husband been fitting new curtains this Afro and new silver full length mirror on landing. All looking good!

Wonder wether write Tor and send mollie top not sure want face repeat of rejection ! 3rd time this year she done that.

Sorry been neglectful on Here decorating!
Does not mean not thinking of you all xx

As we all know, only too well Yogagirl it's easier said than doneand it takes time to realise that not only is it the best course of action, it's the only one.

There's so much conflicting advice too. Do whatever you can, whatever it takes, send bday and Christmas cards even if they get returned, keep sending them. It's bad enough when your own child abandons you, but when they take away your grand children it's a double edged sword. And how some of them enjoy wielding that sword; making false accusations to try and justify the terrible thing they've done to their own parents.

You had the courage to go all the way and fought to be able to see your gd and for your gd to be able to see you. From what you've told us about your s.i.l. and his family, it wouldn't have made any difference if you hadn't gone to court, you'd have lost your D and your gc no matter what you did or didn't do.

I'm sending you someto try and brighten your day tomorrow as I know how difficult it's going to be. Also somefor tomorrow evening. Thanks for recommending the books. I still haven't finished the other one. I read it in small sections so I can properly digest it before moving on and to avoid over loading my poor brain.

It is good to cry nannynoo and let out some of the pain. Good for you, getting the house ready for your gs. It must be very hard but you'll know you're fully prepared for that wonderful day when he comes.

Hope you're OK Celebgran, have you finished decorating yet? I finished the last of the painting in our bungalow and we have a tenant who'll be moving in at the beginning of December. An older lady whose daughters live in the village, one a few doors away from our bungalow. Isn't that lovely.

Sorry forgot say nannynoo what awful situation for you.

It is so worrying and the pain is hard to deal with

I don't know if it is a good idea to get the house ready for him but I think it is and it is helping me , it is either faith or stupidity , but I would like to think it is FAITH

The knife in my heart is still there and I still have the guilt and wonder if I love him too much as everyone tells me to put myself first and paddle my own canoe etc , but if our Grandchildren were drowning we would jump ship and save them! ... I can't even bl**dy swim! lol

So I get confused sometimes , but it feels like it is something I have to deal with , the grief , then come out the other end and start taking care of me and I am not exactly neglecting myself am just grieving

I was on another forum for family of alcoholics and they made me feel I was doing something wrong by focusing on my GS and grieving for him and most people did not understand my pain on there as they were all partners of alcoholics , not Mothers with a Grandchild in care!!!

It was like I was wallowing and making the suffering worse by focusing on my GS but to be honest I doubt very much I could make this suffering WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS and when you grieve you DO focus on the person you are grieving for

No one said ''stop thinking about your baby GD'' when I lost her so I do not understand why thinking about my GS was wrong - I couldn't help it anyway as it is HIM I am grieving for , longing for , hurting for

I wish a lot more people DID focus on the children not just on themselves , the adults and their adult relationships , what about those poor kids?

It makes me angry when kids suffer at the hands of the parents and the rest of the family suffer too - Something like alcoholism and addiction is a very SELFISH ILLNESS , the kids come second , the Grandparent comes third IF they are LUCKY so thank God my DD lets me see my GS as we did fall out over her drinking / honesty about it but she still has NO IDEA what pain I am going through and seems baffled by it

She focuses on her son 2nd when drink is involved so I hope she is in active recovery ( she says she is but not sure if I trust her , ok I DON'T trust her )

I get chest pain sometimes but I know it is a symptom of the pain and stress , the good thing is have been feeling a little better each day now I am actually getting it OUT and thank you for your SUPPORT as there is not much support out there or other people putting up their hands and saying ''hey I am a Mum of an alcoholic / addict too and my GS/GD is in care!!!'' ..... NO ONE seems to be in this same boat ( and I wouldn't want them to be ) but I know others are yet the ISOLATION of going through all the pain on your own makes it feel MORE unbearable as we all need a bit of comfort and a cyber hug from time to time!!! xx

Talk about jumping ship and saving children , my ship is solid , sturdy with no leaks whatsoever , in fact it is a LOVELY ship yet I have to WATCH a complete stranger in their own ship with MY GS ON BOARD and there is nothing I can do about it!!

He needed rescuing yes but there is nothing wrong with my ship now ( it needed patching up a bit after a recent battering ie baby bereavement , DD's drinking etc etc ) but it has been repaired , had A LOT of work done on it and it is practically perfect in every way for my GS , which is why my heart aches! HE wants to be on my ship too!!

In fact it's a nicer ship than what he is on now! But still I have to watch and it is only a miracle which can get him aboard my ship now but I still hope it happens as it is READY for him! x

Feeling better each day thankfully - I think dealing with and letting out the pain has helped immensely!!!

I was / have been carrying it around for 4 months , not fully letting it out which is not good for me , so going through it and coming out the other end has been good for me as well as sharing on here , thank you for your support and understanding etc xx

I have just written an e-mail to SS , hopefully my final one!

Just told them I am doing well now , my bereavement counsellor has signed me off , my home is ready and done and have settled in well and am ready to have my GS here if needed and it was such a relief to send it as it gives me closure with them as they know where I am at now so it is good for them to know that and the rest is with God to be honest!!

I feel I am doing WELL though as have done A LOT of work on myself , gone through the dark days and nights and see things more clearly now and am more at peace and can keep going forward and do nice things for myself and my home like making some curtains to keep the draughts out and draught proof my windows ready for winter so it's nice and cozy and even TRY and enjoy Christmas as it is the 1st one in my new home and I do love it , both Christmas AND my new home , it is coming along well and I have a really good ( cheap! lol ) handyman who has been helping get it nice and sorted , it is so lovely so am going to relax and enjoy it as am hopefully more 'out of the woods' now! :-) :-) :-)

( My DD seems to be doing well in her recovery which helps 'a bit' or possibly a lot too ) x

Morning all on lonesome today's Gra work just cycled round shop and got paper and went for ride on Way back o dear not very fit!

Good news foot seems little easier since my last ultrasound wed can hardly believe it. Darent walk much in case trigger it off !

Wanted say hope you ok yogagirl

Chores for me today ugh.

We actually at home tonight and tomorrow good thing really.

Oh Celebgran so sorry, you were very brave to knock on the door, I had the same done to me, pulling the curtains, when I went round just after I was cut out, it's so very hurtful, send the 'T' shirt to Mollie & the chocolate.
Not so sure about the letter, but you must do want you feel in your heart [Flowers] Thank you for your kind words & glad your foot is feeling better.
Thank you Smileless Yes I have overloaded my brain too, reading every book & forum on the subject, I'm fed up with it, two years today (date 16th but day was Friday) I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but had two classes to teach, so had to, I did feel better afterwards though, I always feel better after my Yoga. A friend of mine drove round, in the middle of the night, to post a 'Thinking of you' card through the door, so I would get it first thing in the morning,(6.45) how sweet & considerate of her!
nannynoo you're right about the jumping ship for our D/S&GC and also about loving too much, I thought the same about myself, in this situation you are made to feel that you are doing something wrong by loving your D/S&GC with all of your heart . My s.i.l is a drug addict & his mother an alcoholic, now that they are all living under the same roof, & after the court case, I wonder if they have cleaned up their act, if not then I really worry about my GC My D likes a drink and does get aggressive under the influence, but she stopped drinking when the children were born. It would drive me mad too, if a stranger had my GC, keep getting things ready for your DS, he must be sent to live with you soon. Cyber hugs and good luck in your new home
God bless all

Hi ladies thanks yogagirl,, we were t that brave really it was just. Massive coincidence that Tor came to door as we drove past.

We have posted her a letter mentioning her dad nearly 70 appealing to her better nature just saying how do t want her to have regrets when it is too late.
Also attached photo of Gra with Danika and me with Gra cousin little ones may help may not, think we shall just deliver pressies on way home from weekend or maybe way there we off again dec 13 what we like.

Just done my first volunteer afternoon hearing little ones read omg they were Mollie's age all 6 this year! I enjoyed it.

Yogagirl smileless is different for us we over 40 miles away so not likely run I to Tor by accident.
Glad you coped yogagirl how kind of your friend.
Happy monday all I saw orthotist this morning, very helpful take. Foot.moulds both feet apparently need special arch supports will take 4-6 week to make!.? He liked my boots supportive apparently nice chap.

Busy Monday or what we popping out to pub for dinner bogof! Hope it's ok

Hello Celebgran As you live 40miles away from your D it is amazing that road works made you detour and see her like that, hope the letter & photos work, you never know, 'nothing ventured nothing gained'
I've given up hope and need to move on, seeing Jenni-ann & Laila in the Royals the other week and Jenni ushering Laila away from me like that, shows she hasn't had a change of heart Nativity plays coming up in the schools, I will miss Laila's first one

Yogagirl on our weekend away at gunton hall near Lowestoft we have drive past Tor village that is where temptation. Comes In to drive down her road, beg oct we went different way and same last weekend but there were roadworks so Gra decided go via kesgrave her village

We had nice meal out tonight was posh lucky was bogof. A d we decided no. More will post top to mollie and other stuff can go to Danika or Gra cousin little boys enough is enough

So sorry you will miss so much with Laila same as us of course! we saw my niece little ones nativity couple years ago now she cut us off I directly due to Tor as my niece ex made up stuff but not I same league as. Myndaughter of course, my niece stopped her ex seeing all 3 girls is disgraceful I think.

I AM STILL STRUGGLING WITH ANGER , I think as Christmas is coming up I am feeling more ans more tense coz ;

I don't know WHAT is going to happen re my GS , will he even be HOME for Christmas or allowed to be?

I already had a sh*te Christmas / New Year last year due to my DD's alcoholic boyfriend , sat on my own but got through it

Christmas is a STRESSFUL time of year anyways and it just adds to things and to the pressure of it all

I still feel like going to the top of a hill and screaming , so will carry on doing my ''silent screaming'' when needed as it helps

It seems my DD wants everything to be ''normal'' again when it ISN'T , not as YET , the trust is gone and I don't know how the hell she is NOT GOING TO DRINK AT ALL over Christmas and New Year which adds to MY stress and tension as it feels like at any moment I will need to be prepared to WALK OUT of that situation ( WITH my GS IF we are allowed to have him! )

She is potentially homeless at the moment as her landlord is evicting her due to selling up and she is struggling to find a new place but SS will NOT let her have him with homelessness looming over her head but she says she still wants to take him even if it's having him at her old place she is still in till she is served with the court order so can go to the council for help but SS will not want the DISRUPTION for my GS as he has special needs and is not good with change so I have encouraged her to find a place FIRST , settle in , get his room ready etc and then let SS come round and inspect it first etc

I hate the UNCERTAINTY of this illness ( alcoholism ) and the DECEIT and the disruption , chaos , hurt and DAMAGE it does to a family and am NOT looking forward to Christmas although I am trying my best to see the joy in the little things but I must say it has been a sh*te year , the year before was sh*te too and to be honest I haven't had a ''happy year'' for a LONG time , but I am working on it which is all I can do! x

Don't you know it affects me the damage you do?

Don't you know it hurts your SON to see you in this state?

Don't you know I STRUGGLE with emotions you know nothing of?

Don't you KNOW my pain may never fully go away?

It hangs right over my head , like an axe to slice at any time

How on earth will I ever find PERMANENT peace of mind

You say you are ill but this I know of which there is no CURE

So I have to trust you to abstain for life , for good , forever more

PLEASE I beg you my once sweet child to get the help you need

Stop harming yourself and those who love you it really isn't fair

You stop caring , but then so do I coz your DAMAGING MY FLESH AND BLOOD

My protective instincts come out in full force and you can just go and do what you do

As long as he is safe and happy with family all around , I want you well I want us HAPPY but that is UP TO YOU

Oh nannynooI wish I knew what to say to you to ease your pain. I wish I could ease Yogagirl's and Celebgran's, my husband's and my own.

It's been a strange week so far, not bad, quite good actually but I just feel a bit strange, or perhaps stranger than usual. It must be all the Christmas ads and decorations. I've always loved Christmas, still do, but it's just not the same any more and I don't suppose it ever will be now.

I met a friend for coffee this afternoon, she's just celebrated her 3rd anniversary with her new man. When her marriage broke up 4 and a half years ago she was in such a state I wondered if she'd ever get over it, but she has. She's just started college and looks great. She's happyand it got me thinking about her resolute human nature can be.

When this nightmare first began, I didn't think I'd be able to cope. How could I spend the rest of my life without my beautiful boy? What would our lives be like? Would we ever laugh again or know what it would be like to be happy? Well we've coped I'm not sure how but we have. Our lives are different and when we talk about what we'll do when my dear hubby retires, our plans and dreams aren't the same as they were 2,3 or 4 years ago; they're completely different but at least we have some. We do laugh, with one another, family and friends and yes, some times I actually feel happy.

You were brave Celebgran to knock on your D's door. I know how much courage it took for us to do the same thing in the summer, but never again. I'll go to the house to put our gc's Christmas card through the door but I wont bother knocking. If it gets pushed back through our's we'll post it back and keep going until some one gets tired but it wont be me. Perhaps that sounds petty and childish but it just winds me up that they're not content enough to just throw it away they have to make sure that we know he doesn't get his card.

You were brave to go to court Yogagirl and to have faced such out right hostility. I know you have good friends and the love and support of your DD but you live alone and that must be so hard.

You're brave nannynoo fighting for your grand son and preparing your new home for his visits. Your last post was extremely powerful. If only your D could see how fortunate she is to have such a loving, strong and caring mother.

If only all of our children could see us, their parents, as we really are, as we've always been and not be influenced by their addictions be they alcohol, drugs or the bad people they've been ensnared by.

Have a good weekend ladies. It's Friday sofor all. We deserve it.

Morning girls
I had brillent night out, last night with 'the girls' at a new casino just opened up on the sea front here, got into bed at 1.30! & had an early 1-2-1 in the morning, but as luck has it, she cancelled. As to Xmas cards Smileless, I don't know what to do this year, normally I buy two, one I post & the other goes in their gift sacks, but now they live with his parents! What do you think? My ND says "NOoooo", but it was the only tiny connection I had Strange thing happened, when I got in late last night I had a message on messenger from my stepdaughter! from my second marriage, big long message, apologising for her bad behaviour, I replied " no apologis" she was the eldest child, my three & his four children got on really well, long story, so I won't go there, but she heard about Jenni & said she had been in Jenni's shoes twice, once with her mother (against me & her dad) & then with her husband (not in her life then), so will be interesting to hear more. She did say to me 'keep sending cards & letters' its what kept her going!
for all. I'm off to a Hafla tonight, should be good

Thank you ladies , I can relate

My DD's relationship and mine is not the same now , it will take time to heal and I HOPE it does

She says I worry too much , am too 'negative' and I get her down to the point she doesn't want to be around me...

All I said was it was hard to see my GS's ''things'' eg toys and clothes around her house WITHOUT HIM BEING THERE..

It is the first time I have visited her today in quite a few months as it was my Birthday today and I didn't want to not invite her

I said it must be hard for her to look around the house and see his toys and clothes everywhere but she didn't seem to want me to mention it and told me to stop getting her down

I was trying to show her some compassion as it must be hard for her but i do not think she wants to DEAL with 'hard'

I think she wants things 'back to normal' in the easiest way possible!

She does not want to talk about stuff to do with my GS and definitely NOT have any FEELINGS or emotions mentioned about the impact being separated from him is having on ANYONE , least at all herself as she just says ''don't worry - I will be getting him back soon'' ... Like it's ''job done''

But to me it ISN'T ''job done'' as yet , recovery from alcoholism is a long and difficult process , a few AA meetings doesn't 'cure' it in fact there IS no cure but to not want to talk about or deal with any emotions or to blame me for getting her down if I dare mention any feelings about this separation and impact it has had makes me upset as she is saying I am a 'negative person who gets her down' ie blame me , it's my fault , stay away from her as I have a negative affect on her when in reality I think I REMIND HER of HER FEELINGS around this whole scenario and HER EMOTIONS and GUILT which is a difficult emotion to deal with but I don't mention it to make her feel guilty - I am asking HOW SHE is dealing with it and coping with it all alone in her flat without her SON! :-(

She doesn't want to deal with it it seems...

But in her mind 'everything will be resolved soon' and just because I am not as optimistic but REALISTIC she brands me as being 'negative' which hurts and upsets me as I have to decipher her comments only to realise that actually SHE is the one with the problem , not me , am not being 'negative' but 'realistic' and that's that really! xx

I had a nice Birthday anyway , apart from dealing with the above

Went for a curry with family inc my 2 yr old GD who is such a little angel princess! ... I brought along a Disney Frozen outfit for her complete with tiara and I put it on her towards the end of the evening and we sung Frozen songs together and she danced with me in the restaurant and held my hands and said she wanted me to come to her house to watch Frozen together next week and that she can wear her costume while we watch it together , so am going there on Wednesday :-)

Recovering? alcoholic DD is coming along as well to her sisters house as she didn't want to feel left out and I didn't want her to either , but it makes things more difficult sometimes as we can't talk 'honestly and openly' about things and therefore resolve anything or support each other and her sister feels frustrated with it all too , she has not seen her Nephew who she is very fond of and vice versa for nearly 6 months now , so she is concerned about the future too...

Everyone else is concerned apart from my alcoholic DD herself!!! lol x

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" Nannyno
Sorry can't stop to 'chat' as another busy day, two yoga classes then meeting up 'the girls' for lunch by the sea. Back on this evening for your Sunday roast!

My ED's 25th Birthday today, thank God I've been busy all day till now. Before it would be a big celebration day, with bunting up, out for a meal or a party, beautiful cards & presents. She will have nothing from her birth family as we are all cut out & her husband never gives cards, they are now living with his parents, so if they are the same, she'll be looking round at nothing, no lovely cards. I just hope it makes her miss us! My beautiful GC growing up without their real nannie!
Well, had a good Saturday night, dancing the night away. Today two Yoga classes followed by a lovely lunch with my friends by the seafront, just got in, had a few more nice messages from my stepdaughter, heartwarming! She is now a nurse & has three little girls! Still living in American though, so cant visit.
Hope you all had a good weekend xx

''I've always loved Christmas, still do, but it's just not the same any more''

I feel exactly the same Smileless2012 .... This year is more difficult than most and I used to / usually LOVE Christmastime but my heart is not in it and it is a struggle but am still going to do Christmassy things and get into it as much as I can and hope for the best!

I NEARLY didn't celebrate my Birthday as wasn't in the mood but glad I decided to do something and 'quite' enjoyed it..

It is just hard and difficult and that is the way it is - I just have to deal with it , move on , deal with it , move on and take each step as it comes

Just wish my DD was DEALING with it but atm she has gone from one addiction to relying instead on another substance ie weed , so we have taken a step away from the alcoholism but then still steeped in another dangerous toxic substance which does not help her parenting or the safety of my GS and it becomes all the more worrying the more problems she is having to tackle and get through to become well again as it is no easy feat to become clean , get clean and stay clean for life if there are other things triggering it plus other mental health problems eg depression but tbh anti depressants , beta blockers , weed plus alcohol do NOT mix for a 'pleasant' ie stable and calm state of mind!!

Long term health outlook for DD COULD be good , possibly , short term health outlook not looking good if she's replaced alcohol with weed! ... And who is the one worrying and fretting / getting upset about the possible outcome re my GS , me of course! But told not to worry by her when even her flat now smells of weed and ''hold my handbag'' means getting a huge whiff of very STRONG weed , possibly skunk , coming from her designer handbag on my lap , not nice experiences for a Mother , makes me want to stay away and will unless my GS is there , then that is another matter ;-)

Morning Nannyno
Skunk is lethal! Destroys the brain, turns the person using it psycho!!