Cut out of their lives 3

Anya - My sister did that with her whole family. She 'didn't like' her husband's parents and saw as little of them as possible until they died. She was happy to have the large amount of money they left to their son. She didn't like his only brother and persuaded her husband to cut him and his family out of his life and his nephews out of his will. She has now found a reason to cut me, my DD, my DGD and my sisters, brother-in-laws and nephews all out of her life. She has no one (except her DH), no family and not one single friend. She still thinks she is the only one in step. I think I would have to take a look at myself.

Thank you Anya & so sorry for your DH

Sorry KatyK just seen your post on the next page, seems this estrangement sneeks in everywhere! Do you miss your sister?

Yes it does sneak in Yogagirl. This probably sounds awful but I have two other sisters and we are very close. I cannot for the life of me think what we have done to make her fall out with us (she has done it a few times over the years and I have always coaxed her back into the fold). This time I tried but it was no use and to be honest I'm tired of it all now. She has said in the past how much she loved my granddaughter (she has no children of her own, through choice) but she has cut her off totally. Hard to forgive. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have read this thread on and off for a long time but haven't felt that I have any advice but feel for all the grans concerned

Oh dear, so much pain, anger, grief, hurt and blame on this thread. I'm a relative newbie to this forum and I'm quite anxious about posting on such an obviously sensitive thread. I have no wish to be shot down but there are some observations I would like to make. To those of you who suffer please take my words in the spirit in which they're intended as I have every sympathy for your situation.

Everyone hurts and grieves at some point in their lives for all sorts of different reasons. Those not in your situation may not understand the situation, but we do know what grief feels like. I grieve for my sil, so tragically taken so young, I grieve for my Dd in her struggle to rebuild her life, I grieve for small Dgd as she tries to make sense of a world which has been so harsh to her, I grieve for my friend currently in the final stages of her battle with cancer, I grieve for the lost little one that my dil miscarried. I grieve for my poor mother who disintegrated after my father died and starved herself pretty much to death Some of us may grieve for the people we were before age and ill health came upon us. I do not provide this information to gain sympathy but to point out that loss takes many different forms, none of them any less painful regardless of cause.

What I do know is that despite the grief, we have to move on with our lives. We cannot be healthy in mind if we hold onto hurts and grievances and do not address them. I actually wonder if in some way the support provided by this thread is not allowing people to move on from these tragic events. It's like picking at old wounds all the time and opening them up again. Please do not misunderstand me, support is vital in a crisis but when it continues for years in some way it may be counter productive. It's as if I was attending Cruse meetings 16 years after my father's death and that wouldn't be acceptable or appropriate for my psychological well being.

It's so tragic that these dreadful situations have arisen but sometimes it is necessary to walk away and move on with the rest of our lives. It may have surprising results, your children probably won't like you rejecting them. What you do have - and many others do not - is hope. Hope that when your dgc are older that you may get to know them, hope that the situation may change.

I do know that there is nothing more certain than change. Nothing stays the same for ever.

Shalom

KatyK Thank you for your post and I take it in the vein it was meant.
I know I will be shot down by those who have lost loved ones through death, I lost my dear dad, very suddenly & unexpectedly, I was in deep shock & it took me a year to come to terms with his passing, and a life long friend lost her only Son in the same way & was completely devastated, & still is, years on.
I've thought long and hard about this, and in my opinion, I think that maybe,in our situation of estrangement, it is actually harder to move on & heal, as it is an open wound that can never heal. With death, after a year or more, you can start to think of all the happy memories you shared with your loved one, you can lay flowers on the grave, you can 'talk' loving words of how you miss and love them still. But with estrangement from a loved one, there is none of this, but the added burden of rejection, the trashing of all those happy shared memories and in my case, in one fail swoop, in one moment, I lost my baby daughter, my precious GD & GS and also my S. Although after 2yrs & 3mnths I say I have turned a corner and except I will never see them all again, still I think of them each & every day and I congratulate myself if I go a whole hour or dare I say two, without thinking of them!

Thank you for your considered response Yogagirl. I do take your point that loss of loved one is final and your situation has no end in sight. Although I don't like the word, you have no closure.

However, not having closure does leave doors open for possible future improvements. I don't know if closure is better than the chance....no matter how remote - of a better future.

We are only responsible for our own behaviour in any given situation and we are the only ones who can change it if necessary. We cannot control the actions of others, we are not responsible for them. Sometimes we have to walk away for our own protection.

I sincerely hope that you and others in your situation can find a way to protect yourself from the hurts and manage to find a happier place. The future will be what you make it-don't let the bad guys win.

Maybe the response to KatyK (me) was meant for katek?

That was very well expressed Yogagirl. DH has said very similar things to me about us not having a place to put flowers, not knowing how to grieve the loss of some one still living and trying to keep hold of memories that span 27 years when they're being tarnished by others.

Thank you Katek for your expression of sympathy and your contribution . I can see why you feel that perhaps this thread inhibits people from moving on from this tragedy. I see this thread as an emotional crutch. If I broke my leg the applied plaster cast and crutches would help me to get on with my life as best I could while the broken bone healed. For me, this thread has been and continues to be an emotional crutch. It supports me and helps me to go on while I wait for the broken pieces of my life and heart to knit together again and heal.

There's no x ray or doctor that will be able to tell me when this healing process is complete, when that time comes may be I will just know that I'm ready to discard this crutch. Perhaps that's how it was for you when you realized you no longer needed to attend Cruse meetings when you lost your father which must have been a terrible time for you. I do know that when that time comes, I will continue to post here for as long as this thread or one similar is available, so that I can try and be an emotional crutch for others.

You mentioned walking away and having hope. For me, hope is counter productive when thoughts move on to walking away from my ES. As long as I hope that things will change, I will cling on to that and all attempts of acceptance are futile. There is indeed the hope, the possibility that our GC when older will seek us out but to what end? To get to know the grand parents he's been deprived of or to tell us what he thinks of the terrible way we treated his father, our son.

I know that sounds terribly pessimistic and I'd never considered it until a very dear friend told me that she worried that we dreamed of the day when he'd suddenly send an email, contact DH on face book or knock on our door. It may not be the happy ending we so desperately desire, who knows what he'll have been told to explain our absence in his life? Judging by what's all ready been said, I dread to think.

I loved the last line of your post, about not letting the bad guys win, it made me .

You said KatyK that you've been reading this thread on and off for a long time and have never felt you had any advice to give. Your kindness and understanding are greatly appreciated. Your sister has cut you out of her life, you've lost a sister but have others, we've lost our S but have another. Our pain may come from different sources but the end result is the same. We've lost a much loved family member because they don't want us any more, and we may never really know the reasons why .

Thank you Smilesless. I can only imagine the pain of lost contact with children and grandchildren. My heart goes out to you all.

Just had a free valuation on our house as retirement plans are being discussed with DH due to retire in the next 2 or 3 years. It must be 15 or 16 years since it was valued and some improvements have been since.

Good news is that the figure given is what we'd hoped it would beand the estate agent was bowled over saying she thought it would sell very quickly, so mixed feelings.

We love this house, raised our family here and never thought we'd ever contemplate moving but the prospect of spending the rest of our lives just down the road from our ES and GS isn't a nice one. Having them so near yet so far and knowing that at any time we can catch a glimpse of them is not something I feel I can do for the rest of my life, and DH feels the same.

That said, it was nice to get such a positive response and enables us to make realistic plans, what ever they might be and where ever they may take us.

Hope you enjoyed your weekend Celebgran and all is well with you Yogagirl.

Wow I have missed a lot of activity!

Great to see regular posters back eg smileless and yogagirl also great To hear from others katyk and katek.

No one who has been deliberately cut out of their own child's life for whatever reason has the ability to truly move on (hate that expression.)
If only it were possible for me not to cry at times as if my heart would break silly because I have seen a look alike of. MY daughter and it has reawakened painful bittersweet memories. It is 6 years for me and. I do no expect to see my Grandaughters now, indeed much as it hurts me I don't think I even want a relationship with my daughter again she is not the person I loved to treat us so cruelly.

That is not to say I have not rebuilt my life. There is no comparison with losing a loved one through death and being deliberately cut out of their life.
This is. Simply because of the obvious when someone become ill and dies they aren't doing it to deliberately hurt you.

Smileless it made me gasp when you said we may never know when someone doesn't want us any more that is so true.

Myndaughter wrote me a dreadful letter to run my character down I was accused of violence and aggression it hurt me beyond belief I can't bear to look at that letter but have kept it. She cited an Incident when my husband and I had row which we do and I slapped him in face I was so upset and frustrated as was trying care for his dad who had Alzheimer's and organise selling his home to pay for care long story but Graham was working full time and it all fell on me. Tor my ed did not take that into account. the other thing was when i objected to her screaming at me after I took and
Prepared lunch when mollie was few days old and my daughter screamed I had put coffee in Wrong place and her dad was clumsy and would knock it over, it seems she could be rude as she liked to us! I retaliated. That me me an awful person to shout at her in front of baby which was not how it was.
These events are not enough to cut us out her husband is the ring leader.

HE went to police to get us prevented from writing, visiting etc accused us of harassment, it took a lot of complaints to police and finally our mp to get that dealt with meanwhile he got his own Way and we were cut off.nhe tried to do this f we months earlier but we sorted it out drove over and discussed it with Tor he kept in kitchen and refused to speak too us myndaighter then said she would never stop me seeing mollie, how wrong was it to trust her.

I have qualified as massage therapist since then studying anatomy and physiology to keep myself occupied, we belong to 2 social clubs, have lot good friends life life to the full. Also lucky to have lovely son and his partner and stepsons, close to my twin brother also and nephew and wife and lovely little girl so life is still good.

Nothing will ever end the sad ness of what we nave lost and our 3 Grandaughters I have missed feeling s about wanting contact with myndaughter again given her cruelty for so long.

Sorry Celeb I didn't mean to make you gasp. I hadn't realized you'd qualified as a massage therapist since the estrangement with your D. Well done.

I think some people assume that because we still miss our children and grand children that we've lost, and regularly post on this thread, that that's all we do. You have your massage and manicures, Yogagirl has her yoga and judging from her posts a busy and enjoyable social life, her DD's wedding and new GC to look forward too. I have my gym classes and the work that I do from home, not to mention shopping trips and lunches out with friends and much more besides.

We're getting on with our lives which is how it should be. to toast us all.

Hello ladies
I just thought I'd pop in to say hello (getting quite good at this public posting lark lol). I agree totally that although losing a loved one through death is devastating, we eventually learn to carry on our lives happily, because as hard as it is, death is a part of life and we learn to accept that terrible loss and move forward. The loss we are all experiencing due to the estrangement from our children and grandchildren IS NOT normal and is NOT a part of life, therefore we continue to grieve, because I very much doubt the pain will ever subside in my case, I lost my wonderful dad just 3 months before this terrible nightmare began. Sadly, I don't believe I've been able to grieve properly for my dad, due to having other things going on!!!! (If that makes sense?).
It's wonderful that all you lovely ladies on here, especially the 3 regular posters, have found fulfilling careers, pastimes etc to keep your minds occupied.
Sending you all hugs xxxx

Mums70 good hear from you sorry you in similar boat.

Yes myself yogagirl and smileless don't wallow we are living life to the full it is the only way.

I agree with katyk we do have hope that,things may change on day however small that glimmer is.

Thanks smileless the studying kept. ME going through the first difficult couple years. I have not advertised much and am bit naughty got 2 clients waiting for massages as need sort out some clutter In Beauty room. Mainly I a. Lady win lunches and goes acquacise twice a week.

Well done on good offer for house smileless ! And you keep busy too.
We are brave ladies and will always support each other I hope.

Oh dear this iPad and am so tired! Sorry,about,typos in last post.

Went for hrt appt after taking Gra to work and I was concerned about latest scare over ovarian cancer risks don't Know if anyone read it last week. Apparently she does not think I am at greater risk as my mother had it and gave me a leaflet about the article which explains that then risk is very small

So conclusion is stay on hrt patches for another 6 months.

Then did some shopping as Joan bless her had Rosie wow was. I ce browse Round without Graham getting fidgety!
Bought 2 nice red cushions for dunelm,we have cream ones to match curtains but redwoods good on cream sofa plus matches carpet

Good night all sleep well I woke early with earache so added to tiredness.

Morning girls
Nice to see your post mum70 and I can understand what you mean about not fully grieving for your dear dad because of the estrangement situation, hope you're OK
Celebgran family members should be able to have a tiff or even an argument without one deciding to cut the other out. I can honestly say that I did not say one adverse word to my estranged D. I love my three C&GC, I was always very happy to be in their company, so nothing to argue about. Same with s.I.l (I didn't love him) I thought I got on with him fine and I held back for three months after being cut out, it was when I was told they were moving (a lie) and that no one from our family would know where or have any contact details for them that I sent my D an email and said ' leave him, that's not love....' They lived in that house for the next two years!
Well done on your massage therapist qualification Celebgran and there's me thinking you only do feet
It will be sad to leave your lovely home where you brought your boys up Smileless, but a new start in a smaller house would give you something positive to focus on and once settled, some peace of mind & happiness so good luck with that, when the time comes, I intend to do the same, should have done it before but the thought of clearing out this big family home on my own is daunting! [Shock] I would move to a lovely little place by the sea , I'm near the sea now but a drive away and I want to be a walk away

Well Mums70 it seems to me having read your posts that you've been 'hiding your light under a bushel'so keep up the good work and keep on posting.

The things we do. Started on new routine at the gym on Saturday so had aching lower body Sunday and Monday, continued with it on Tuesday and to say that I have an aching upper body would be an understatement. Perhaps I should take a leaf out of your book Celeb and take up acquacise instead. How's that foot of yours by the way, is it improving?

It would be veryto leave our home Yogagirl but with them being just down the road, I really don't want to be here any more. Some days I'm determined that we'll stay and on others I just want to leave and just recently leaving is all I can think about. Silly really because all I'm doing is unsettling myself, still I'm sure it'll pass.

Have a good evening everyone.

Does anyone on this thread want to respond to the media request? Not sure if you've seen it: www.gransnet.com/forums/media_non_member_requests/1214234--500-grandmothers-desperate-to-see-their-estranged-grandkids

Thanks for that grannyactivist I hadn't the media request, got quite excited until I read that they'd want a photo. I'm pretty certain I'd have the support from most of my family if I went ahead but equally certain that my DH and DS would be horrified. With out their approval there's no way I could agree.

This estrangement doesn't just affect grand mothers, it affects grand fathers too and the whole family. I fear the need for a photograph will be counter productive and this media request will go to the wall. What a pity.

Yogagirl I must be honest me and Tor argued and fought a lot from time to time we were extremely close though if that makes sense.

Then9 months I visited her and. Mollie I felt we were so close, did I miss something it looks that way when I discovered texts on her phone running me down wham that was end of relationship insist to god I had never mentioned them now.

It seems steps re to offer 500 to tell your story and what possible good could it do? Some people see. To thrive on going public but car see how it could possibly help our cause.

Meant strange !

celebgran I'm sure most of us have had squabbles or even strong arguments with our children and families without it leading to estrangement. For those of you where there has been lasting estrangements I can only say I truly feel for all of you and hope that your lives can improve somehow.
and (((hugs))) to all of you x