Gransnet forums


6 months of No Contact with Granddaughters.

(28 Posts)
RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 12:01:05

to Do:

Honestly evaluate the behavior that led to the breach.
If you are at fault, apologize, apologize, apologize. Your dignity is not as important as restoring relations with your grandchild.
If after an honest evaluation, you still believe you were not at fault, apologize anyway and hope for the best.

This really hit home for me.
Im a Mumsnetter but i often lurk Gransnet. I saw this this morning and ive felt anger ever since.

Im the DIL btw. I have posted before looking for help regarding my MIL. The reason we are No contact is because of her. She knows what she has done and is still going round playing the victim. In this case her dignity is more important than her DGDs.

I dont understand how she can just walk away without trying toq

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 12:01:34

Sorry! Without trying to resolve things.

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 12:08:44

I'm not really sure why i posted tbh.
I think i was just looking for some perspective off a grandparent.

I see so many ladies posting about how they are denied contact to their DGC and how much that hurt.
Yet my MIL lives 20 mins away max. Is in her early 40s and has an only son and 2 beautiful granddaughters that she could not be bothered to see for 2 months yet moaned about how awful we are keeping her away.
Oh and they have a car.

I just dont understand. Im furious with her. Its kinda like a delayed reaction i think.

Ana Thu 20-Feb-14 12:26:55

I remember your thread last year, RedheadedMommy and I'm sorry the situation with your MIL is no better. Does your DH still have contact with her?

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 12:33:26

No not anymore.

He has said that she is and allways has been dysfunctional and thats why none of 'her' side talk to her anymore.
She threatened me a few weeks ago by message on bloody facebook.

She is getting no attention off DH so she has started on me now.
I dont know what she thought that would achieve.

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 12:41:46

Posted to soon.

I just cant understand her. To hear her talk we have been horrible to her when she was the one who didnt come and see them.because of how awkward we was being.

I was in labour and after we had a newborn. She was still bombarding us with vile texts.

She isnt normal. I cant understand her. I think its because she is at fault and cant or wont see it. In her head, we should bend over backwards for her but she wont even make a simple trip to see her grandkids. And we're bad

harrigran Thu 20-Feb-14 13:07:05

I would have said it was a generation thing but as your MIL is only early 40s I would have thought she would have more empathy.
Talking as a much older Gran, I established a routine with DS and DIL from the birth of GC. I asked to be able to visit once a week so that the children were comfortable with me and happy for me to look after them. I have a rule that I never say anything on facebook that I would not say to a person's face, too easy to get the wrong end of the stick.
You seem to be very grounded and I am sure you will get it sorted.

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 13:14:08

The plan was for her to come down once a week and for DH to pick her up. Which was perfectly fine.
Untill she started canceling, for silly reasons..then moan she didnt see dd1.

We had allways said she was welcome down anytime but she couldnt be bothered and would rather just moan about how little contact she did have.

She only see's things from her POV, she doesnt seem to care about anyone else. Even when i had PND with dd1 she honestly didnt care and treated me like an oven.

I am so angry at her she managed to create drama and then play the victim. Its like shes emotionaly stunted. She acts like a teenager . All we wanted was her to play a part in their life and she cant be arsed to do that.

mollie Thu 20-Feb-14 13:31:45

Redheadedmommy, I'm sorry you're so angry by what you read. You probably aren't the only DIL who feels that there's two sides to every story but I think it's brave of you to post here when you feel so aggrieved - it's a reminder to all of us who are only seeing the story from one point of view.

Stop lurking here and go and enjoy your young family. You have the support of your DH, as is right, so it's your MIL who is missing out. Maybe your words will hit home and she'll think again. Bridges can be built...

Good luck to you and your family.

cathybee Thu 20-Feb-14 13:45:42

Redheadm I can feel your anger and understand your frustration

Do NOT allow your MIL to spoil what should be the best years of your life.

If she does not get to see the grandchildren it will be her that misses out, and will your children REALLY be missing out on this delinquent crazy grandma, do you really want your children to grow up around such an un predictable un reliable confrontational person??

Maybe you just dodged a bullet.

I am a Grandma and do not understand your MIL's behaviour.

My advice to you, is do not dwell on your bad relationship with your MIL and instead just enjoy your own happy family.

Best of luck

cathybee Thu 20-Feb-14 13:47:36

PS and if it helps you to check out Gransnet and chat with us,then that is great smile

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 14:08:18

Haha im only 24 but if you'll have me i'd love to come into chat! :D

Dd1 used to ask her when she was going home when she was here. It was mortifying.
She would hardly see her, play with her then get offended when DD1 didnt want to hug and kiss her.

My counseller has told me that she is a "Toxic parent" and has Narc personality. Ive done abit of research and its liked they have described her to a T.

MIL had DH at 16.
Which is (coincidently?) The age she acts. She is mentaly that age regarding relationships. Im trying to understand why she is like this.
I do know a few people who had babies young and they're all normal.

Agus Thu 20-Feb-14 15:16:04

DH and I had to have a 'talk' with his Mother whereby we explained that we very much wanted her to be a part of our and our DD's lives but under no circumstances would she be allowed to control or organise our family in the way she was persisting on doing. I won't go into examples here as it would take me all day however, she would not change her sense of entitlement or indeed what she claimed were her rights re our family. This went on for years until DH felt we had no choice but to cut contact with her and sadly her other son made the same decision a few years later because of her behaviour.

I am now a Granny to two adorable DGD's . When GD1 was born, DD and I had a bit of adjustment to make in our relationship as she was a new Mummy and I was a new Granny and we both had to learn new roles but we got there and I respect my DD as their Mother and I am there if my DD needs my support re 'her' girls.

At this point Red, I would block her from Facebook and change my mobile number to stop the texts.

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 17:37:31

She is blocked and deleted!

Honestly didnt think that she would ever contact me as everything has allways gone through DH.

She wanted priority all the time. Even just having giving birth (twice!) There was never thought for us.

I guess i just feel kinda cheated. I know this will sound extremley selfish but when you image getting married you assume you're getting another family and like a "mother"? I allways thought that we would go for coffee or shopping . Dropping the kids off for a day at nanny'

RedheadedMommy Thu 20-Feb-14 17:39:47

Posted again!

Nannys, baking and things like that?

My dds have my mom and dad who do all of the above and worship the ground they walk on (well. Not dd2 as shes only 6 months and cant even crawl yet.)

I just guessed 2 sets was better than 1.

lostgrandma Tue 01-Apr-14 16:13:09

I am on the opposite side of the coin. I am the MIL who has been thrown out of the family and the only reason given was the my DH and I wanted to see our grandsons once a week.

About a month after our DS got married, our DIL told us she already had a family and didn't need another one. We invited them over for dinner and she would say she couldn't come. We tried to remain friendly with her but the attacks by her and her family were very odd and unprovoked. Even my DS has said that they were wrong but he has to support his wife, which I understand.

We have now been told that we are no longer allowed to contact our grandsons. The reason? We didn't reach out to our DIL enough at a wedding that we all attended. We said hi to her but then she just stood there and would not talk with us so we continued to talk with other friends that were standing with us.

While some MILs may be nightmares, I can honestly say that we have done nothing but try and embrace her into our family. We now have to realize that as long as she is married to our son, we will not see our grandchildren.

Deedaa Tue 01-Apr-14 21:22:12

I think you have just been unlucky and been landed with someone totally self centred and unable to see anything but her own wishes RedheadedMommy I doubt she will ever change and I don't think there is anything you could do to change her. ( I am reminded of my MiL who once told me she'd never known anyone as self centred as my DH - it never occurred to her that she was even worse than him)

Do concentrate on the happy family you have got and don't let her spoil things for you. She is the one who will lose out but I don't see that you can be blamed for that.

RedheadedMommy Wed 02-Apr-14 09:46:41

Good morning!

Thank you for the replies.

Its been 7 months now and we've had the odd texts but its allways 'poor me' its emotionaly draining as she cannot contemplate for a second, that she is to blame. She is still being horrible and expects us change our mind regarding our dds, when she is just being so hurtful and toxic, she is doing nothing to help herself.

The door is allways open and we have told her this. When she decides to say sorry and shows some sort of change then we will talk but atm there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Nonnie Wed 02-Apr-14 10:47:31

How will you react Red if she does apologise? Has she ever apologised before? She sounds very insecure to me and perhaps doesn't know how to deal with this situation. Have you tried to see it from her point of view? This may all sound harsh but I do feel we are only hearing one side of this just like we only ever meet the 'innocent party' in a divorce.

Aka Wed 02-Apr-14 11:12:50

lostgrandma I've only just read your post and I'm so sorry no one else has acknowledged it. Sometimes threads just don't get read or we have a busy day and don't log on.

If no one has already mentioned it there is a thread called something like 'Cut out of their lives' it is peopled by grans who have also suffered as you have done and they are there to offer support and (((hugs)))

DebnCreme Wed 02-Apr-14 11:19:36

RedheadedMommy it sounds like you have had a tough time. I suspect your MiL feels she missed out on her youth by having your OH so very young and is now trying to re-live it; after all she is not very old. You say'the door is always open' but then make the immediate condition that she must apologise. So, in effect, the door is not open and apologising is one of the hardest things to do. Perhaps you could get together - the three of you - and see if you could talk things through, don't try and change your MiL because that won't happen and kick those conditions out of the window. Wish you all the best. I realise now just how lucky I was with my MiL even if she did drive me around the bend.

So sorry to read of your situation lostgrandma. don't really have anything useful to say other than I see it is difficult for your DS but he needs to intervene Unless he is being bullied. The fact that he is not supporting you does seem strange. Sending some flowers to help you cheer up.

DebnCreme Wed 02-Apr-14 11:26:49

Sorry lostgrandma on reading my comments after posting they really didn't come across as I feel. I should like to send some (((hugs))) and truly hope a path can be sorted through your problems. flowers

RedheadedMommy Wed 02-Apr-14 11:43:58

If she apologised It would show us that she has she realises that she has treated us isn't acceptable and we could try and move on.

Me and my DH have sat down a few times and asked ourselves is it us? Have we actually stopped her seeing DGDs? And no. We really havn't. We had asked her if she would like to go out for dinner/ to the park/ even invited her to Dd1s 12 weeks scan. She has canceled so many times then moans we dont make time for her and its our fault she saw dd1 so little.

We have tried to see it from her POV, but its impossible as i wouldn't lie and tell people my DIL has an eating disorder, i wouldn't have a row with my DS about how little i have been prioritised when my DIL was in slow labour for 4 weeks with various medical intervention. I wouldn't then moan about horrible my DS was when they couldn't do certain days to come down as they had a newborn, dgd1 had started school and DS had more hours at work. I wouldn't get my DH to then ring/text about how upset i was that they wasn't putting me first. I wouldn't threaten my DIL and i wouldn't of acted like that knowing my DIL had PNd with dd1 and was at hight risk of getting it again. Would you do any of that?

She has done so much. We cannt move forward without and apology.

RedheadedMommy Wed 02-Apr-14 11:48:03

I have said to DH that I would be ok with meeting up and talking but he doesn't want too. He is absolutley furious with her and he has said he is sick of the 'woe is me' attitude. The way she has acted isn't normal and if she wants to talk then she can make the first move.

Stansgran Wed 02-Apr-14 12:34:59

I wonder if it would help if people were a bit kinder to each other. Is we would love to be able to see the GCs every week if possible a better phraseology than we want to see OUR grandson sons every week? If you offer a weekly babysit and bring an open mind rather than expect everyone to come for Sunday tea brushed and polished and sit round making conversation. I speak from experience. And redhead, your MIL needs compassion with a touch of letting it all wash off. You seem to be matching her ailment for ailment. Again I speak from experience.