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how do I handle this please?

(68 Posts)
lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 10:41:15

To recap I live most of the time in Paris with DP. Both DDs are happy with my relationship since my divorce & have little or no contact with their father. DD2 is good at keeping contact with me via email/text and I make sure I contact both of them each week. DD2 prefers 2 communicate via Facebook but more often than not doesn't reply to a direct (private) message at all until I send her a reminder. This can be infuriating as she says sorry a d that 'she is rubbish' (@ communicating) and that there is no news just that she is fine but stressed. I can. Understand her busy !I've with a Todd!er husband and p/t job (been there & got all the teeshirts) but 2day I saw an open message on FB stating that she couldnt 'get her toddler 2 keep his glasses on'
Needless to say that while I knew DGS had a squint & that he was being assessed when I asked about him she be never mentioned the possibility of the glasses for e/treme long sight which runs in the family.
The problem is not DGS eyesight but the fact that she told the whole world before me.
Sorry for rant but I want/need 2 let her know how hurtful this has been without causing a huge rift. Thanks for listening.

NfkDumpling Sun 11-May-14 15:00:06

DD1 is terrible at keeping in touch - I usually ring her every two or three weeks for a chat - and my main reason for using FB is to find out what she's doing. Frequently I learn of things my DGD's have been up to - including the results of eye tests - at the same time as her other 200 odd friends. I don't take umbrage. Why should I? Two young children and both she and SiL have demanding jobs. She's a busy person.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 15:16:47

I am an avid Facebook user myself (and Twitter to a much lesser extent) which I use partly to keep up with friends all over the world as well as knowing that these are the modern forms of communication for my daughters' generation. However I still don't understand why they think that posting something personal on FB prior to telling close family and friends, is the right thing to do.

Interestingly DD1 and DD2 fell out massively at Christmas (I may have posted about it) over DD2 tweeting what a rotten Xmas Day she was having and how her sister was an awful hostess, to all her friends, forgetting that DD1 was one of her followers and would read the tweets! Even though DD2 apologised for the tweets they haven't spoken since. Needless to say I feel in a lesser way as DD1 did then!

Thanks glammanana yes rant helped but still feel sore even after DP (who was equally shocked when I told him) took me out for a lovely lunch!

kitty that's how I treat the communication too, I never expect phone calls but emails and FB are fine as long as it's a 2 way street!

Yes KatyK I wouldn't have dreamt of telling anyone other than my parents first anything to do with their grandchildren, good or bad. I do feel like just pointing out that she felt awful to read her DS tweets at Xmas and it is not so different. But of course I don't want to cause a rift.

Nice one jingle glad you didn't buy it tho smile

You're right Lona they don't think. and I just need to 'get over it'. Grr

Merlot I wouldn't be without FB for all the other contacts I use it for and I agree with akabecause it is the only way I find out anything about DD1 and she prefers to direct message on it too. DD2 isn't on FB but we email and text instead.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 15:19:43

Thanks everyone for your comments have some wine as I am in France.
Still haven't decided whether to say anything or not. Will sleep on it.

Mishap I have very little choice in the matter of where I live. My DP is French and his home is in Paris which is why I spend a lot of time there. If I didn't have him in my life I would and up being a very 'needy' divorced Mum, I suspect!

gillybob janeainsworth It isn't the fact that DGS has to wear glasses at all. It is the fact that DD1 tells the whole wide world first. If I didn't try to keep up good communications this wouldn't bother me at all.

It was hurtful to see that she posted 'Trying to get your toddler to wear his glasses is challenging!' esp if she'd let me know I could have told her the solution.

janeainsworth Sun 11-May-14 15:33:56

Lucy a piece of advice I always try to bear in mind is that it's not the things that happen to you, but how you react to them that matters.
You can brush things off or you can take them to heart and really make yourself (and others in the process),really miserable.
Your choice.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 15:38:22

Thanks janeainsworth I know that it is 'my choice' whether to make myself miserable or not.

I do not intend to do so (which is why a rant on gransnet helps) but I also feel that it does no harm to once in awhile let (adult) kids know that to be unfeeling or just not think, however busy they are (and we have all been there with busy lives) that it will do no harm.

There are ways of addressing this without causing a rift and that is probably what I will do when I see her next week.

Lona Sun 11-May-14 15:43:29

Yes, lucy, I think casually mentioning it when a little time has passed, may be the best way for you. sunshine

Mishap Sun 11-May-14 15:55:16

I am aware that my DDs chat about things amongst themselves and their friends, to do with themselves and the GC; and that I am not always the first to know things. I don't have a problem with that - seems fine to me. They do not always consult me about the children - my advice will be dated anyway! I know it is based on experience but they may want to talk to their peers about something.

I have just found out something from one DD about another - I am not put out that she chose to talk to her sister first. It is her right. She will talk to me about it in her own good time, and meantime I will respect her privacy.

The saying "least said soonest mended" is a wise one - but in this instance I wonder if there is anything to mend really. A light-hearted comment about getting a toddler to wear glasses (even though you did not know he was wearing them) is not a good ground for causing a potential family rift. If you say something to her, she will always be thinking "Should I have told Mum about this first in order not to offend her?" - that will sour relationships and be a pain on both sides.

Email her and say that you have seen the facebook entry and say how much you would love to have a photo of him in them.

Have another glass of wine!!

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 16:17:02

There is some good advice here. Like I said I made the mistake of asking my DD why she didn't tell me stuff any more. Unfortunately she saw it as criticism and things have never been the same. I would tread very carefully, as I'm sure you will. I agree with you lucy that they should tell the parents first but that's not how they see it. It's not the fact that he wears glasses, but the fact that he is your grandchild and you should have been told. It's hurtful. I hope you sort it out.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 16:17:43

Thanks Mishap

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 16:22:27

Mishap your post is very wise

Jack53 Sun 11-May-14 16:26:32

I can send my daughter a text and not get a reply for a week! But I know she would let me know (as she often does) if there is anything of importance to impart. However, she occasionally fails to let me know of some upcoming event and tells me off for not knowing about it!

janerowena Sun 11-May-14 16:35:06

I wouldn't expect to know that my GCs are now wearing glasses. I don't feel I have to know everything. My daughter and I also communicate on fb every day and have a long telephone conversation every week, but I don't expect her to remember to tell me everything. Nor do I feel I have to tell my own mother and mother in law everything. I think I would have to write a list if I were to do that. Yet I don't feel any less close to my daughter for living further away. I hope you find that these feelings pass, because I think that it maybe that you are torn about having moved so far away, thereby missing out on their stages of development. I get the odd twinge, but I wouldn't want to lose the life I have here in order to live nearer to them.

Gagagran Sun 11-May-14 17:07:11

I'm not on facebook or twitter from choice, but do text and email DC. They seldom 'phone and if they do it's on their mobiles. DD criticises me for not having my mobile always turned on but as I tell her, if I'm at home, as I usually am, I use the landline. They don't - DS never uses his landline! We just have to go with the flow I think and be grateful for any time or communications they give us!

(It's funny how often communications result in requests for childcare though!)

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 18:01:26

You are fortunate janerowena that your daughter communicates with you every day. If this was the reality with DD1 I wouldn't be having this rant as the knowledge about DGSs glasses would have been imparted! Of course you are right about the feelings of being far away.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 18:02:20

Thanks KatyK

Lona Sun 11-May-14 18:05:29

It's also free to use fb messaging and many phone packages have free texts, whereas using a landline can be more costly.
My family use the cheapest option first.

Just a thought.

gillybob Sun 11-May-14 18:12:09

Good advice janeainsworth you are right it is how you react that matters. I don't do Facebook (I was tempted at one point but decided against it) and quite often get to find things out after everyone and their dog know about it. It doesn't worry me in the slightest because I know that if something was important I would be told personally anyway. I still say that lucyinthesky's daughter didn't see the "glasses" as being anything to make a fuss about. That's my take on it anyway. smile

Deedaa Sun 11-May-14 23:09:00

Things are very strained between DH and DS at the moment because DS is doing something we thing is very stupid and is also costing us a lot of money. DS and i have been discussing it via texts and DH is really furious because he thinks we should have been talking face to face. The thing is that DS and I have got into the habit of texting and discuss ideas and feelings much more openly when texting than we would face to face. Hopefully I can get DH to see that DS isn't being rude or over casual by texting, it's just that we find it easier to make a point and get our feelings across like that.

thatbags Mon 12-May-14 06:46:26

deedaa, I think that quite often when someone is feeling stressed about a situation such as you describe, they will make a fuss about the means of communication rather than the actual matter in hand. If your communications by text with your son are useful I suggest you just carry on and tell your DH that what is said between you and DS is what's important, not the fact that it is said by text.

lucy, my response to discovering (shock! horror!) after other people knew of it that my GS needed to wear glasses would be a minimal shrug, if that. Seems to me the order of finding out is completely unimportant. It's not like it's his birth you were told about after everyone else. Does your DD tell you when he gets new socks or shoes? Put finding out about glasses on the same brain shelf as finding out he has a new pair of jeans.

thatbags Mon 12-May-14 06:48:48

In short, lucy, I don't think there's anything to 'handle'.

Blinko Mon 12-May-14 07:02:33

I too have struggled to come to terms with DSs (x2) living some distance away and not keeping in touch regularly, especially when both are very much in touch with their in laws. So if we let it, it can sometimes feel as though DH and I are somehow 2nd class.... But reading the very wise comments and advice on GN Forums has helped us to understand we are not alone. As KatyK has remarked, we are no longer as important to our kids as they are to us. They're just living their busy lives and don't mean any hurt or harm. They just don't think. My advice would be to stay on good terms and be positive and upbeat in any dealings with them. Even though it's hard sometimes.

NfkDumpling Mon 12-May-14 07:27:38

My DD1 and family live right across the other side of England (France is probably closer), DS1 lives 40 miles away while DD2 and family live only four miles away. I doubt your living in France has anything to do with how often your children keep in touch.
DD2 has taken herself off FB and I rang her yesterday or a chat - not having spoken for nearly two weeks - and I learnt DGD2 had been quite ill for a couple of days last week. I did feel a momentary touch of "oh, why didn't you tell me" but then thought why should she have done, she's a capable grown woman and she wouldn't have wanted me to worry unnecessarily.
All families are different. Some speak daily, some monthly. You did say your DD was busy and stressed. It probably never occurred to her that she needed to tell you first - or the other members of the family. She just told you at exactly the same time as everyone else. Only on FB!

NfkDumpling Mon 12-May-14 07:38:32

Sympathies Blinko - I console myself with memories that when I was very young my next door gran was just Nana next door while my more distant gran who I didn't see often was very special - and spoilt me rotten when I did see her. And in those days there was no telephone or FB.

Agus Mon 12-May-14 10:10:40

I don't think this is something your daughter has done to deliberately hurt you and as a mother just got on with what was necessary. Not a case of shutting you out.

I have two DDs. On occasion I hear from one DD about the other and vice versa but I don't take it personally if they have omitted to include me, instead, I am happy that they can make their own decisions or maybe turn to each other without having to turn to me for advice.

I have a good relationship with my girls, they know I am always there if they need me but I don't feel they have to share details of their lives with me all the time. That should be their decision not what I think they should have told me.

My GD2 (5 today) has been wearing glasses and a patch for the last 2 years for what is known as a lazy eye. It took a while for her to get used to wearing them too but in time she got used to it and no longer needs the patch.

harrigran Mon 12-May-14 10:31:01

DD lives abroad and we speak infrequently. I don't bother her because she is always travelling for her job. I seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to her health and will send her an e-mail if I feel uneasy. She often answers that it is just a cold or airplane acquired virus but last week she said she was off work and needed a CT scan. If I hadn't asked she would not have said anything, she is like her father and tells me things only on a need to know basis. DS, on the other hand, is always asking what I think of this and that especially about his health.