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how do I handle this please?

(68 Posts)
lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 10:41:15

To recap I live most of the time in Paris with DP. Both DDs are happy with my relationship since my divorce & have little or no contact with their father. DD2 is good at keeping contact with me via email/text and I make sure I contact both of them each week. DD2 prefers 2 communicate via Facebook but more often than not doesn't reply to a direct (private) message at all until I send her a reminder. This can be infuriating as she says sorry a d that 'she is rubbish' (@ communicating) and that there is no news just that she is fine but stressed. I can. Understand her busy !I've with a Todd!er husband and p/t job (been there & got all the teeshirts) but 2day I saw an open message on FB stating that she couldnt 'get her toddler 2 keep his glasses on'
Needless to say that while I knew DGS had a squint & that he was being assessed when I asked about him she be never mentioned the possibility of the glasses for e/treme long sight which runs in the family.
The problem is not DGS eyesight but the fact that she told the whole world before me.
Sorry for rant but I want/need 2 let her know how hurtful this has been without causing a huge rift. Thanks for listening.

lucyinthesky Mon 12-May-14 12:07:43

OK well thanks again to those who empathise and thanks also to those who made me feel as if I am making a fuss over nothing in wanting to hear 'news' before the rest of the world. We all approach life differently and am learning even at the age of 66 to grow a thicker skin lol

Meanwhile due to DD2 deciding to write to her DS about all the things she is upset with her about, (not having spoken to one another since Xmas) I shan't be putting my oar in about the FB thing nor the fact that DD1 hasn't sent the birthday card she bought (my birthday was over a week ago!)

Aka Mon 12-May-14 12:12:04

Yes, a reality check does us no harm whatever the age Lucy smile

rosesarered Mon 12-May-14 12:26:04

Glad that you posted this Lucy as I now know that I am not alone with this! I don't do facebook and don't intend to, but one of our daughters tells everything via FB and forgets she has not told us. I am ok with this and thought it probably happens a lot and now I KNOW that it does.It doesn't matter though, hope that you won't continue to be upset in the future,it's just the way that [some] of our children like to communicate.

Agus Mon 12-May-14 12:33:22

Oh definitely don't go down that road with DDs Lucy I have played piggy in the middle with my two and eventually realised they are adults now and should be left to sort out their own differences. It only left me upset and they eventually sorted things out themselves when I took a step back. My input made no difference.

DD2 who was working abroad at the time, shouldn't make any difference of course, 'forgot' to send me a birthday card one year. I was a bit miffed but knew it wasn't done out of malice or that she didn't love me.

For my own sanity, my mantra has become, 'whatever' flowers

lucyinthesky Mon 12-May-14 13:31:07

How true Agus - I know DD2 will want me to take her 'side' but I have told her more than once since the problem began at Xmas that I will not take anyone's side nor will I get involved. They were both in the wrong for different reasons but neither will admit to it.

Thanks roses - we are definitely not alone!

grandma60 Mon 12-May-14 20:46:11

My son and daughter fell out over a year ago about things said at a family weekend away that we took to celebrate my birthday. Unfortunatley due to them living at other ends of the country and both having a lot going on in their lives this has never properly been resolved. I am so sad about it but I soon realized that any attempt I made to put things right just made it worse so have told them I am not going to get involved or take sides.

lucyinthesky Mon 12-May-14 20:48:50

Exactly *grandma60 even though it's so frusrating.

But I discovered I felt much calmer when I stopped trying to help them resolve the issues they have with each other.

grandma60 Tue 13-May-14 19:50:27

Yes I think I had started to get things out of proportion lucyinthesky I can see things more clearly now I have stepped back. I was an only child myself so I think I can be a bit idealistic about family life.

rockgran Tue 13-May-14 20:40:19

My son and family are overseas and if I wasn't on Facebook I don't think I'd get much news. I try to put little inane things on about the garden, etc. so that they know we are fine. If he "likes" a photo I've put on I am quite happy. I always comment on any things they put on and in that way we do make contact most days. I send messages and letters to them but rarely get a reply. It is frustrating but I agree that they are more important to us than we are to them. I worry if they go quiet on Facebook as it usually signifies that a child is ill. So long as I see lighthearted posts on their pages (even if I am not involved) I can rest easy. It is amazing to think that Facebook didn't exist until a decade ago!

sparkygran Fri 23-May-14 18:53:09

Lucy I know its hard to take but that`s 2014 for you - don`t let it annoy you and fester that would only be worse. flowers

lucyinthesky Tue 27-May-14 14:26:49

Thanks sparkygran

DD1 really does take the biscuit though - DD2 sent her a card as an olive branch 10 days ago and DD1 hasn't responded to it even though she had a perfect opportunity as it was DD2's birthday last Saturday. She didn't text, email or send a card, not gave one to me to take with me for DD2 when I saw her on Sunday! Just said she was very stressed (major structural problems with their new house etc).

I've not said anything - decided life is too short but DD2 is naturally very upset and angry.

Stansgran Tue 27-May-14 14:45:28

I have one DD who is brilliant at cards and remembering and another who is rubbish at cards. Whether this is because she is so busy or because her husband thinks it a waste of time and money I don't know but I have moved on.i no longer let it distress me. I get out a card she sent many years ago and it goes on the mantel piece with all the other cards from kind thoughtful and dare I say equally BUSY people who have taken the time and troublesome send a card. It amuses me . I know her daughter loves a card for her birthday and makes them for other occasions when the rest of the world is celebrating and they aren't .i don't do Facebook but see the busy daughter tweets frequently so I know she's alive. [emoticon for wry grin]

JammieB Thu 29-May-14 18:42:10

Reading this made me think "have I told my family I have new glasses?" As hard as it is sometimes we have to accept that social media is the way life is conducted now and it definitely has its place in family life, the immediacy of seeing the grandchildren in their new school uniforms, the first prom dress as it is being tried on for the first time and so on - in my youth we would have to take the photo, get it printed (usually about a week) then write the dreaded letter to enclose with it carefully checking for spelling mistakes before putting a 3d stamp on it and sending it to the grandparents!! I confess I love the fact that at any time I can pop onto F/b and see what the grandkids are doing with their, they don't phone me but their lives are no longer geared around the phone. Please don't take offence that you were probably the last to know about those new glasses - I think we only knew that our grand daughter had glasses when our daughter texted us from Specsavers with a photo of her with her bright red hair insisting on a pair of flourescent pink frames!! I still don't know if we were supposed to talk her out of them but personally I thought they were truly wonderful!! After all - I would have chosen them too!

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 29-May-14 19:08:19

I would be upset if DD told outsiders something like this before telling me.

Not unreasonable at all.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 29-May-14 19:09:22

After all, it's not a fashion accessory he has obtained. It's a medical thing. Important.

lucyinthesky Fri 30-May-14 10:10:14

jingle Nice to see you back on Gransnet. Hope you enjoyed your holiday?

Yes it IS the fact that as Mum/Grandma I'm not thought of as being any closer to receive important medical info than the rest of the world.

But I have now accepted that this is the way DD1 communicates. So maybe that's how I have to let her know important news too instead of direct (private) messaging as I usually do. DD2 is the opposite - no longer on FB and only on Twitter for work reasons, so we email.

Meanwhile my probs seems minor compared to some other threads I've read the past couple of days, but thank you for posting.

harrigran Fri 30-May-14 11:40:07

I am not at all observant, never notice DC's new glasses, phones etc but yesterday DD said "oh you have some new glasses" they were fairly ordinary reading glasses and nothing special but she noticed blush