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Is it ever okay to have an affair

(38 Posts)
NannyLea Fri 06-Jun-14 11:59:57

Just been reading this letter from an older gentleman about whether to have an affair. Not sure I'd be happy letting my OH go off and water someone else's garden just because I've put the hose down.

vegasmags Fri 06-Jun-14 12:08:32

It seems that this couple have been having problems for 25 years. The wife not only rejects the husband sexually, but angrily rebuffs him. Having an affair won't mend their marriage, but just drag someone else into their problems. Many couples find their own way through the difficulties of waning sexual interest, but this is a longstanding problem for which I would think they need professional help.

HollyDaze Fri 06-Jun-14 12:14:48

It's a difficult one to answer isn't it.

Whilst she has the right to refuse sex if she's not interested, does she have the right to insist that he abstains as well?

If it has gone on for 25 years, why is it now a problem? Has he spoken to her to find out what turned her off sex? Is he the type of man that if you so much as hug him, he's sees it as a green light for sex (I know many women find that off-putting)?

I don't know if an affair would be the answer - it would depend on if he is willing to risk the end of his marriage.

What an awful dilemma to be in.

janerowena Fri 06-Jun-14 12:21:10

Maybe he has just realised his own mortality, and doesn't want to end his days knowing that he is never going to have sex ever again.

I have a good friend for whom sex is never going to be possible again, for medical reasons, and she is dreadfully worried about it and the effect it is having on her marriage.

If only life could be simpler, we could all pair up afresh with partners with the same desires as us.

Atqui Fri 06-Jun-14 13:14:13

Only thing is we might find desire is rekindled with a different partner, and he, the new one, remain uninterested in sex.

Atqui Fri 06-Jun-14 13:16:20

If I was the wife , I'd be more upset about him watching porn than him having an affair, but it would depend what the affair entailed.

FlicketyB Fri 06-Jun-14 14:38:34

Well, she has said. 'No sex, that's the way I am'. I think under the circumstances he can say, and should say it not just sneak off and do it. 'I need sex that's they way I am. I will seek it elsewhere'

Grannyknot Fri 06-Jun-14 14:45:47

... only if you could be bothered! (in response to the OP question). grin

HildaW Fri 06-Jun-14 15:47:44

Being a simple soul I've always thought that on becoming a couple...whether through marriage or just mutually agreeing to be someone's 'one and only' one is sort of saying 'we have something special and do not want anyone else'. Thus by having an affair one is stepping outside this prior arrangement and betraying the other partner.
What is left is a mess and can, in some circumstances, be sorted out or allowed to pass but, the original relationship is now very different.
I think what I am saying is that if you want your original partner to be there for pretty much have to play by the rules you originally agreed to.
If, as seems to be the case here, one partner has pretty much failed to live by the arrangement....i.e. not emotionally and physically supporting the other....then its up to them to re-negotiate or call it all of.

rosesarered Fri 06-Jun-14 15:54:25

quite right HildaW my thoughts as well.

sherish Fri 06-Jun-14 16:39:48

An affair is a betrayal of trust. Just not on under any circumstance.

Anniebach Fri 06-Jun-14 17:13:37

An affair ? No. If he must then would a prostitute be the answer?

Atqui Fri 06-Jun-14 18:00:44

Yes, at least there would be no emotional involvement. Also if he stopped watching porn it might help with his 'needs'

Ariadne Fri 06-Jun-14 18:04:56

So sad. I don't suppose they would go to counselling, if they haven't been able to face up to it after all this time. Instinctively, I don't think an affair is the answer, but I don't know what is.

(Cynically, I am now waiting for the usual suspects to join in - I mean the peculiarmen who always emerge when sex is mentioned..)

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 06-Jun-14 18:41:38

"water someone else's garden just because I've put the hose down." !!! grin

Love it!

welshmist Fri 06-Jun-14 18:59:33

Well if you put the hose down, someone else may want to pick it up.


Marelli Fri 06-Jun-14 19:01:00

Perhaps the gentleman's high sex drive has put his wife off? Was he always going on about it? Does he want to do things that make her recoil? There are always two sides to this sort of story, aren't there?
As to whether he should have an affair, well, that depends what the real story is. hmm

Marelli Fri 06-Jun-14 19:02:41

And welshmist, if you put the hose down, someone might stand on it - making it impossible to use in the future...... grin!

Atqui Fri 06-Jun-14 19:04:01

I agree Marelli. As I said, I'm sure watching porn is only adding fuel to the fire.

suebailey1 Fri 06-Jun-14 19:54:59

Chance would be a fine thing.

HildaW Fri 06-Jun-14 20:14:40

So glad rain is forecast tomorrow.....would not want to get know what out!

rosesarered Fri 06-Jun-14 20:20:59

grin and if I do get it out, I find I can never stow it away neatly again.

Mishap Fri 06-Jun-14 20:23:03

You could roll it up....

Ana Fri 06-Jun-14 20:25:45

DH just shoves his to the side of the path until the next time it's needed...

newist Fri 06-Jun-14 20:45:10

I have to help my OH dangle his out the bathroom window grin