DD huge family take priority

Since so many are in the same situation, surely we shd speak up. I am not going to bite my tongue forever. I told son that DiL will have to accept that PEOPLE are entitled to have different viewpoints and that her way of interpreting things is just HER way : other people have different interpretations and that she can't simply call people LIARS who disagree with her...something he never did. Nor is it ABNORMAL for Grandparents to show interest in seeing their GC. If anything, the opposite would be true.
Being civil isn't so hard. dIL is ignorant and unkind but I would never say that and am now no longer interested in bending over backwards to accommodate her whims as son realises. He wants his kid to see us more but backbone is developing only slowly. I'd like to tell him that it's high time DIL considered him more...still biting tongue on that one!

Well I suppose, in a way, it's good to know I'm not the only one in this situation, but it's not a good situation. I will have to wait n see n keep busy in the meantime!
Good luck to all who are having difficult times with any family members��

Its also not just sons and daughters, Freda my MIL did exactly the same as your son.

It was always us who made effort and took the time for her. It was always me who made arrangements and canceled plans to suit her. She never put any effort in and just didn't care tbh. We got sick of it and when we wouldn't dance to her tune it all blew up in her face.

We haven't seen her in over a year. I hope your son see's that he's being unfair and you get a happier ending than us.

Freda - Let me assure you that it is not just mothers of sons that suffer in this way.

Why should we bite our tongues! I feel like the poor relation.
My granddaughter is gorgeous! They live nearby so I go often, either planned visits or I ring first. DIL has a lovely relationship with her mother and she is so patient with my GD!
My concern is that my DH hasn't seen my GD for months. My son, DIL and GD do not visit us, well very rarely. I've given up asking them over as I am fed up with the excuses! I'm beginning to think I must have missed something out of his upbringing!
I worry constantly about this situation. So I've said that if they cannot find the time/energy/ inclination to visit us then I'm not going to there house! I can't go on worrying it's making me ill. I would rather know one way or another. Yes, I know it might make things worse but I'm not prepared to be treated like some second class relative!
All mothers out there with daughters should spare a thought for us MIL's!

I'm not a grandparent, I am a DIL. I have read through this whole thread and a couple of comments struck me:

'Can't help but think that the bthe parents/ mums of the dils could be less selfish and make room for their sils to share and allow bonding of his offspring with his parents too. it's the gc who lose out in the longer run after all'

And:

'Thanks but may be it's time for DILs' own mothers to be less selfish hogging grandchildren and, in effect, their SILs? a bit of consideration on their part would reduce so much anxiety/ tension/resentment/misunderstanding'

What if it's the case that the DIL's parents don't 'hog' their grandchildren and in fact it would be nice if the PIL wanted to hog them a little bit more than they do instead of playing favourites with other GC? This has caused me great anxiety and certainly I feel that my dcs lose out because of their behaviour. In fact I have gone almost a whole year without seeing PIL because of the situation. My DH takes them to see them occasionally but otherwise they are simply not interested. I'm sure that I, as the DIL am being painted in much the same way as some people have mentioned up thread. However, I feel as though I have had to make this stand for my DC's sake and to try and make PIL see how their behaviour is unfair.

I had a good relationship with them before SIL and I had children. Then the gulf between the treatment of either set of GC became very apparent. I am totally aware of the mother/daughter thing, but this shouldn't necesarily come into it where the GC re concerned

FWIW, my DH doesn't agree with me-he was brought up without a backbone and I'm still trying to talk him into getting one for himself! It always hurts when he is happy to keep PIL sweet by not fully confronting them about it, but will see me upset over this whole issue!

for you Shoreham, it's awful to be in limbo, waiting for a 'phone call or text, I really feel for you having been there my self.

Your son does need to step up to the plate and think about his own parents at this time. It isn't easy but it just has to be done. It's such a shame when the other set of grandparents are having such a great time with their gc, that they don't consider how upsetting and hurtful it is for the others who are having such little contact; do they know this is the situation?

Everything crossed that by now you'll have heard from your son and will be seeing your little gd this weekend.

Thank you! Have always had good relationship with son. You're right. He needs to step up more. They did bothsay once a week 'at least' before arrival of GD and I haven't done or said anything nasty. Son had planned a day a week as DIL always goes to her parents on Sundays ( as well as during week. Son usually goes there too after he's finished his shift. Never comes to us on Sunday). I do feel though that if I text and ask if he's free, he feels under pressure and I know his work requires flexibility. So I am back in position of having to wait until he texts me. Then he comes round for up to an hour only. I suspect that he has to fit visit to me in around whatever else DIL has planned with her family and friends. If I can't make the 'appointed hour' then it's my ' fault' for not seeing GD and not 'prioritising' an hour as and when I'm texted with her over anything else. I think it's unreasonable to leave me in that kind of limbo indefinitely and that DIL and her family are being very selfish towards son as well as me. At the moment, i haven't been texted or seen GD for ten days. Am wary of even texting to ask

This is exactly what my DH and I did.

Worked great. Your son needs to make these arrangments. A set day you see your son and your DGC. If you have a poor relationship with your DIL he needs to step up.

My mum and dad had an arrangement.

My dad took us girls to visit his parents every Saturday afternoon, without fail. My mum never went with us. We saw our maternal grandparents almost every day. We all lived in the same small town, and when we were old enough, we went visiting by ourselves.

Why don't you suggest a similar arrangement to your DS. This would also give your DiL some time to spend by herself. Goodness knows,I loved the free time I had when DH took the children out for the afternoon.

Shoreham55 have things improved at all?

It has nothing to do with the other MIL when it comes to you seeing your DGC.
Unless you have got a really bad relationship with your son, or you have been nasty and horrible to your son or DIL there is no reason why you're getting such a crappy deal.

Thanks but may be it's time for DILs' own mothers to be less selfish hogging grandchildren and, in effect, their SILs? a bit of consideration on their part would reduce so much anxiety/ tension/resentment/misunderstanding

Is marginalisation of MIL's by DIL's something that is peculiar to the younger generation? When I married DH forty years ago my in laws were an integral part of my life. When my first child came along they were newly retired, and would ring and ask if they if they could come over. Rarely did I need to turn them down. We also went to see them every Sunday. We still see my MIL every weekend (my dear FIL passed away four years ago).
Yes, there were 'bumps' along the way but they passed. I have always loved and respected my in laws - maybe I have just been lucky with them.
Sadly it's a changing world and reading some of the posts on Gransnet (including my own!) there are many young mums out there who are very immature and selfish and YES I do understand there are two sides to every story, but doing some research on the Internet, it almost seems to be the norm for a DIL to sideline her in laws.

sorry to hear that. The inevitable dominance of the DIL family need not be an issue as long as there's a bit of fairness. Can't help but think that the bthe parents/ mums of the dils could be less selfish and make room for their sils to share and allow bonding of his offspring with his parents too. it's the gc who lose out in the longer run after all.

Sorry to hear that, papao.

I wish there was an answer to all this. Some of the problems described echo our own situation and we share the sadness it causes. Thank goodness for Gransnet.

Thanks redheadedMommy for the empathy. At least I know I'm not crazy to feel like I do. S is lovely to his d which is good to see. DIl hasn't shown her face and I'm not sure I want to c her while she's on a superb--ch kick and taking gd with s for a week abroad - to a place we'd suggested as a joint family new year treat with her parents before Xmas. Am ignoring this and just told s I wish them a very nice time.
Jimglebellfrocks...he was brought up with backbone and decency and normally exhibited those qualities but needs to get real, for hus own sake. Life is not the Emmerdale script of her fantasy...ooh that's mean of me.

There must have been a point when it went wrong. Try to think back to what happened and why. Y ou need to get to the bottom of it before you can start sorting it out. (I know you're not shoreham55)

Interesting point jinglbellsfrocks. We brought our son's up with plenty of backbone and common decency, unfortunately the one we are now estranged from has lost both of these attributes and several others including decency and morality. He's acquired some new ones though; the ability to lie, betray and blame others for his own failings.

Maybe you should have brought him up with a little more backbone. And common decency.

So they expect you to keep the whole week free just incase
Thats awful.

I wish i could offer some advice
You cant seem to win whatever you do!

good advice. zyhank you all.

redheaded,ommy..they didn't text a time just vague 'later in the week may be'.
Having waited in vain as usual for a time, this time we thought we'd go away. Had they texted a time and day we would have tunred round. They didn't.
Instead DIL put very nasty note through our door. Son came round 10 days later with gd for an hour. civil time and we just admired gd as we always have done, biting lip as ever. He said vaguely that he might pop in sometime but no texts etc.

Told by DIL not to emwil, ring or txt . she clearly reads his so now feel pig in middle. Am willing to put her nasty txts ( to which imdon't reply) down to hormones and first go at motherhood. Am not going to tolerate being written to like as i was sth she had trodden in, esp as have been warm, welcoming and v generous for years towards her, and nice to her family....sth she now says was usntrying to buy friendship. So takign them out for a meal will be rebuffed as a bribe. don't know what they want from us. Husband is disgusted and found DIl letter deeply insulting.

PS Thanks for all those lovely symbols Yogagirlxxx

I've absolutely no idea jinglbellsfrocks. Maybe she made him chose; her and their son or us.

Your relationship with your m.i.l. sounds lovely louisamay. My relationship with my m.i.l. has not been easy over the last 34 years but I would never have expected my DH to stop seeing her or have prevented her from seeing our children. Despite our past problems, we get on well now. Until she became pregnant, I wasn't aware there were any problems with our d.i.l. but OMG there was no mistaking their existence following the birth.

The day after, when we were going to the hospital to see our gc for the very first time, there was an atmosphere bec. she'd invited her friend to be there tooand our s had asked the friend not to go.

When we arrived our s told us the friend wasn't going to be there "so let's all be happy and smiling".

What little contact we were having with our gc sounds very similar to yours; look but don't touch. I could feel her icy glare when ever I cuddled or kissed him. She made my DH feel so uncomfortable that he wouldn't hold our gc when she was in the same room.

I understand how difficult this situation is for you louisamay, having to keep your feelings to your self and your emotions in check but at least you're seeing your little GD so get what joy you can and hopefully in time, things will improve

I'm not sure if I saw this on Gransnet but it resonated with me...
What is the difference between In Laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are 'wanted!'
DH and I do see DGS and babysit (when he is in bed!) but we come a long, long way after DIL's parents, friends, neighbours, old Uncle Tom Cobley 'an all. DIL's parents don't babysit as they 'live too far away' but that doesn't stop them having whole days visits thrice weekly we are lucky if we get to see him for an hour and then we have to just 'look' and not touch. Certainly we can't interact with him. B****y ridiculous as she leaves us 'in charge' when we babysit! Def a touch of control freak.
Always got on very well with DIL until DGS was about six months old and she 'turned'. DS hasn't a clue why (I believe him - and he agrees we all had a good relationship) and, although DIL is 'cordial' - which is a vast improvement on past few months, I'm pretty sure that she would rather disconnect from us but we are a necessary evil I think. It's hurtful but we just keep a low profile, visit and babysit when asked. Get distinct impression we are being used, but what do you do? Hate having to keep all these feelings inside so good to come on here for a bit of a rant. By the by, I have had an excellent relationship with my MIL for over 40 years, but then I have always accepted her for who she is, rather than expect her to behave in a certain way. She adores my DH and I'm very happy about that, it's the way it should be and the glue that binds our little family together. Hope that doesn't sound too smarmy...