New here and my heart is broken.....

All who are going through this have my sympathies. I too feel left out. I would avoid Facebook like the plague if you are worried about finding out that they are doing things without you. I used to be on Facebook and each time I went on it I became more and more upset as my DD, her friends and their mothers all have a nice social little circle going on which I am not included in. I deleted my Facebook account for my own sanity. Can't say I agree with 'your daughter's your daughter for the whole of your life'. I haven't found this to be the case at all.

^ your son is a son till he gets him a wife^, I actually became even closer to DS when he got married and had DC. DD has no DC, lives abroad and consequently has less contact.

I am lucky to have DDs who share their children with us all the time. But, I also see what happens with their MILs, who are also fully included, so maybe it is not just a sons things; my DDs' husbands involve their mums and dads too.

Sadly some people are unlucky in their sons' choices of partners and I do feel for you.

I do feel the other GP's could help the situation. When SiL parents visit (2-3 times a year) for a few days, I make a point of not contacting DD's family for the time they are there. I feel it's only fair to let them have their time with DGC.

I'm not trying to say how wonderful I am. Just that it's sad the other GP's can't see your side.

Those of us with DDs and DSs take this as the way of life,^Your son is your son till he gets him a wife but your daughter's your daughter for the whole of your life.^ Never a truer saying and it should be that way.

But try to convey that we are here if they need us.
for you both.

Some very good advice . You can't live your life through your children, find things to do that don't involve the children. The less needy you appear the happier they will be to interact with you.

So sorry, txcowgal. I do sympathise. Those of us with sons and no daughters definitely do miss out. The in-laws are being particulatly selfish in your case, and I am not sure what you can do about it. I hope your son realises sooner or later just how unfair all this is for you.
Sorry for you too, happydaysahead. I sincerely hope you do find some happy days ahead.
In my case, I am reasonably lucky and do see my sons. But I have learnt that it is vital to keep my mouth shut and just accept that their wives families are always going to come first.

Again there is this sad situation - and I do feel for you. The only advice I would give is not to confront your family with this - it just makes it become an issue - and "elephant in the room" whenever you do meet. Just be there for them - I know they do not make contact as often as you might wish, or involve you - but you cannot MAKE them do it. So sorry you have this problem.

What a good bit of advice Nfkdumpling. Im going to keep 'hold the reins ligjtly' as a coping motto. When Ive backed off at times Ive been accused of disinterest compared to the other in laws. Cant win. Glad there are other things to help with coping. wine cupcake sunshine wink Thanks.

I like the advice to "hold the reins lightly". I try to do that and it certainly works but there are times when it is difficult not to feel a bit neglected.

DS and DinL do live very busy lives and are in the middle of a major building project so I understand and value the times when he does call. I miss his lovely girls and wish we saw more of them although when we do see them they are always loving and excited to be with us.

It seems to me that generally one set of grandparents always has more input into grandchildren than the other. I have 3 children and in our case we're the less contact GPs for all of them. Only one DD lives close and her MiL is besotted with our DGD (her only grandchild) and looks after her on a regular basis. I don't begrudge her this remembering how things were with my grandparents. I lived next door to one set. Took them for granted, they were always there. But hardly ever saw the others (my DM didn't like them). To me though they were special, seeing them was a treat. I notice my DGD is the same. She gets sooo excited when she comes to us (4/5 times a year) but the other GPs, although she loves them, aren't as special.

Our children are grown ups now and lead busy lives and need their independence. They need their time with their children too. I know families who have Sunday lunch with alternate parents every week. They can't go to a village fete or the beach as it would cause upset. I'd hate my children to have that tie and feel that resentment.

My DMiL advised me to 'hold the reins lightly'. Enjoy the time you do get with your family, don't make them feel obliged, and they'll relax and come to see you willingly and happily (although maybe not so often!). It'll give you time to keep your independence too so you're a more interesting person to visit.

Old saying comes home to roost: Your son is your son till he gets him a wife but your daughter's your daughter for the whole of your life.

I'm sorry you feel so sad about things, Tx. You say you've only babysat once but do you have visits with your grandchild and her parents together?

Reading posts like this makes me feel guilty for sometimes being greatful for the days we don't look after our DGC. DD works 4 days a week.
I'm sorry you are both in this sad situation.

Hello and a cyber hug to you. I am new to Gransnet too. It's going to take me a while to get used to it. For example are you Galen or Txcowgal ?
I can empathize with you greatly. I have felt heartbroken recently over what seems to be favouritism for both my son's and daughter's in laws. In fact I can't sleep and am up early to join Gransnet. The other sets of parents seem to have taken over from the day of the birth. In fact I couldn't believe that my daughter's in laws were hanging about the hospital as she gave birth. She did have a hard time though but does anyone else know what I mean when I say I felt I had been passed over. These in-laws treat my daughter as if she's a queen as she gave them as well as us their first grandchild I have three grandchildren and had loved bringing up my children and was looking forward to being a grandparent. I'm actually becoming so depressed over it all. I don't work and care for an older relative so feel very isolated. My own childhood and life have been difficult but I feel I cared well for my own little family which I was so desperate to have. One set of grandparents are a different religion and my son has had his children baptised in their religion. Both of my childrens' in-laws have large extended families whereas my husband and I have hardly anyone. I can see the attraction for my children to want what they didn't have - lots of cousins, aunts and uncles for their own children. One set of in- laws are never away from my son, and the my daughters in-laws live closeby to her. I actually feel betrayed. I was very close with both of my children while they grew up. Can anyone tell me if this is relatively common for a grandparent to feel the love they received from their child seems to dwindle and to a great extent switched to the new baby. Everyone said how great it would be to be a grandparent. Although my grandchildren are wonderful I never expected to feel so left out. Facebook and socializing mean my own children have less and less time to spend in contact with myself and my husband. They don't want us to join facebook. Part of me is frightened as I will see what a great time they are having without us. It would be like salt in a raw wound. Of course I want them to be happy and get on with their lives. Maybe I have to work at becoming thick skinned. I tried saying how I felt the other grandparents had muscled in but it ended in an almighty row with neither of my children sending me a mother's day card. My son said I was just jealous. I don't think I'm jealous it's just the rejection which hurts. The pain was acute when I saw the post van leave the street and I hadn't received a card. My daughter had always been very caring and thoughtful before. It's as if nature plays a trick and the deep unconditional love moves to the next generation as if to help nurture and survival.
I pray for you Galen. I just don't know what the answer is. I've thought about trying to get on with my own life but my caring commitment and lack of relatives make it difficult to find company. I don't want to learn a new course as I've done enough courses. Again my caring commitment stops me from joining groups and there is now no respite due to government cuts. I feel as if I am such a moaning Minnie but as you said I also need to vent.
I feel as if I am in shock and just existing. Empty nest syndrome is one thing but to be made to feel so useless is another.
I don't know where to turn. I can't volunteer due to my relatives condition and I am losing my confidence greatly. It gets to the stage that I look at baby/childrens' clothes and toys and think now what's the point in buying anything. Everything seems to be provided by the other families. Any advice from folk who have been through this would be appreciated. Does anyone else feel their child's personality changed after their own child has come along. I know it's only natural to change but to be so thoughtless seems so out of character for my children.
Once again - sorry for the moaning. I didn't mean to write an essay!
Diana x

hugs