I just dont know what to do!

Kittylester - yes, the thought appals me too but when you are wrongly accused of bullying and being aggressive to a young mother, you have to protect yourself! While she was shouting, the baby started crying (he was in her arms) and she accused us of upsetting him. What is she going to say next - that I attacked her??

Kittylester. I am appalled too, but we were wrongly accused of being aggressive and bullying. We were also told to get out of the house.
My son does not want me to go round only when he is there, he works long hours and sometimes baby is in bed when he gets home. He wants us all to get on . Even though he believes how she behaved, he is struggling. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself because , God forbid , next time we might be accused of attacking her . Who knows?

So sorry to read your posts Louisamay. As a mother of sons and therefore two DILs I can only advise you to keep calm, say nothing in response to negative comments, only visit if son is there and find things to keep you and DH busy elsewhere. Your DIL does seem to have PND and maybe difficulties regarding your son's ex. Even if perceived problems are all in her mind. She sounds like she has family support. I know it is hard being the MiL, but over time your GS will be a little boy who loves his GPs, so it's worth biting your tongue and keeping communications open now. Best wishes for how it turns out. X

I would be very wary of recording conversations although I can fully understand why you are tempted to do so.

I don't want to give the impression that I am going to record all conversations! And, if DIL goes into meltdown, it wont be a 'conversation', so, a quick button press will record her rants. Often I am by myself when I visit the house. It may never happen....it's an option.

louisamay I really do feel for you. When something suddenly goes wrong and you don't know what triggered the problem you can tie yourself in knots trying to figure it out. It's really hard.
I understand why you might want to have a record of your daughter in law's outbursts - and many grans on here have related tales of people saying things to them that they later deny and would have been very glad to have such a record - but if you do use your recording device you will need a great deal of wisdom about when, and to whom, you might play it. From what you say there's no doubt that your son believes you when you describe these outbursts so who else might you play a recording to and why? It's worth asking the question.
Do try to keep on being calm and reasonable; if your daughter in law is suffering from PND she is not exactly in control of her thoughts just now, but with support she'll come through the other side and your relationship can be restored.

I would definitely NOT record anything. What are you going to do with it? Say 'here's what she said to us'???

That will only make things worse. I'm getting bad vibes here.

I really think that this young lady is feeling insecure - and her actions are motivated by fear. I do not think that women feel great just after they have had a baby - tired, harrassed, knowing they do not look their best - with a good dose of hormones too to add to the mix.

It is inevitable that you (as the parents who knew the first wife) will be the focus of her anxieties. She is hitting out because she feels insecure and fragile - it is unlikely to be anything to do with you personally.

I would say, continue to do what you are doing: bide your time, tread gently, do not rise to the bait. I am sure she will come round in time - she needs a lot of "positive strokes" just now.

If things get difficult, slip away without any offence taken and say you are happy to come again on a day when she is feeling up to it. The less confrontation there is the better - and the less your son feels obliged to defend you the better.

Familes - who'd hav'em!

louisamay Please can I send you ((hugs)) for what you are going through but please do not go down the route of recording anything if DIL happened to find out about it you may loose a relationship which is very dear to you and she would be very unforgiving indeed.
Your DIL sounds as though she is trying to please everyone at the same time poor love and be a new wife and mother all thrown in together so is bound to feel stressful.
I would put the doorkey scenario on the back boiler as I think it is not important at all to fall out over,maybe your DIL had just got the baby to sleep when you arrived and she was fraught if she is not sleeping too well with the baby,and yes DIL have to be treated with care as they do gravitate to their mums and so they should,have you thought of maybe leaving little one with your son/grandpa and you and DIL and her mum go out for a day it may be just what she needs.

I've just read the bit about making a recording and cannot believe you might even consider such a thing. Bin it! Now!

Unless of course you want to sour relations for good and all.

It is not a desperate measure, it smacks of vindictiveness and is totally out of order in this situation. To be honest, I do think that if you go down this route you will only have yourself to blame if you lose contact with your son and GC. Sorry to be so blunt, but I am appalled by the idea - and am beginning to feel a bit sorry for this poor lass!

I would record the 'conversations' if only for my own sanity. I have been where you are, Louisa, but it wasn't with a Dil, but with my own DD.
This was because of her depression. There isn't an answer. Sorry to say that through experience I know that you just have to put the hard hat on, keep your mouth shut, and hang on in there. It does end.

Hello louisamay - what a shame that this is all happening at a time of a newborn.

Firstly, I can understand you considering recording the outbursts (just a form of self-protection) - especially if you are being wrongly accused of something - but even if you played the recording to your son, he won't thank you for it and could well end up resenting you for doing that. It does seem that he's aware of what is happening.

I don't get along at all with my DiL either and, having respect for my nerves, I stay away from her. I can understand you have sympathy with your son but he chose her, he knows her better than you do so it's up to him and her parents to figure out which is the best way of handling things. I certainly wouldn't go to the house again unless your son is there. Maybe they could both visit you instead? It seems that the problem is in their house so maybe not meeting up there would be a sensible place to start - talk it over with your son and see how he feels about it.

You have to have in your mind how this recording idea might feel to DIL if she ever got wind of it - it certainly isn't going to make things better!

As someone else has rightly pointed out, who are you going to play it to?

I had a DD with very severe (and frankly life-threatening) ante-natal depression (as my poor SIL said: "Hide the knives") and some of the things she said and did whilst she was so ill were dreadful - the idea that anyone might have recorded this is unthinkable and makes my blood run cold.

I can understand how louisamay feels though - I've been on the receiving end of this treatment where there is one set of behaviour when it was just she and I and she would moderate it to just rude and ignorant when my son was around. It's very difficult when you can't prove that they are behaving very differently and I can understand that she feels that drastic times call for drastic measures; I hope she does rethink it though and just keeps her distance until things are sorted out.

I understand how louisamay is feeling, but sometimes it is important not to act on those feelings or you finish up in a worse mess than you started.

There does not seem to be anyone (least of all the son) who needs proof that this lass is acting in a difficult way.

Please bide your time and do not risk exacerbating what is already a very fragile situation.

Very true Mishap

Good advice mishap. Please don't do anything that'll blow the family apart.

louisemay hugs from me too, you poor thing. Bending over backwards and jumping through hoops for your DIL is not working and seems to be making the situation worse. I think your son knows how difficult she is and he sounds like a thoroughly decent man who would never cut you off from seeing your GS.

My advice is don't go to your son's house when he isn't there, stop driving through busy traffic to take over meals etc. I can't help but think that some people take advantage of others generosity and kindness and trample all over them. You are 69 and this must be very stressful for you and your husband. Step back and get out of her firing line, continue on being the caring parents and grandparents but stop being your DIL's kicking post. Best wishes

That's good advice, faye.

I'm still inclined to think that your DiL has some mental health issues.

However, as others have said, I think it would be advisable not to visit her when your son isn't there. If you have caller display and your DiL rings you, let her call go to voicemail but don't be tempted to record your conversations with her - it could get very messy. Whilst remaining friendly, I don't think you should go out of your way to prepare/deliver meals, etc. If your DiL needs this sort of practical help her parents will have to assist.

As you appear to be a very kindly and non-confrontational sort of person, perhaps your DiL (maybe not consciously) feels safer venting all her frustrations and upsets on you rather than on other people who she feels are less "safe" (e.g. you son (re her apparent jealousy of his ex), her parents (who she has said are dismissive of her feelings). If you son (who sounds very kind and caring) becomes alarmed about her behaviour, he will need to seriously discuss this with her and, if necessary, seek some advice.

As faye says, I think you need to distance yourselves a bit and take some time to relax and enjoy your retirement. I hope in time things settle down.

How are you doing today louisemay? I totally understand why you've considered recording any future outbursts. I wish I could have recorded my d.i.l.'s rant the last time I ever saw her. My brother witnessed her awful behavior but of course, he's my brother so we would defend me wouldn't he.

I certainly wouldn't describe your temptation to record any future abusive confrontations as 'smacking of vindictiveness'. It's terrible when false accusations are being made and there is nothing you can do but continue to deny them and hope that those you love will believe you. Lies can destroy relationships. I know this all too well. We've lost our son and only gc because of our d.i.l.'s lying, controlling and manipulative behavior.

I would advise against it though. If you did feel it was prudent to play a recording to your son you could risk alienating him. I still think it best for you not go to their house unless your sons is there. From what you said, your son isn't happy with your suggestion but I think you should stick to it. Could you not tell him that you'd prefer not to visit unless he's there because you don't want any more upset or misunderstanding for every ones sake? Or perhaps you could do as HollyDaze suggests, and invite them to your home.

I totally agree with Faye. You do need to get out of the firing line and stop being your d.i.l.'s kicking post. Even if her behavior is due to PND, which I find hard to believe as from what your son's said she's OK with friends and her own family, and the stress of being a new mum, it is unacceptable especially in the light of all you've been doing to support them.

Hang on in there.andto brighten your day.

I think your dil sounds frazzled and stressed and handles it by lashing out.
I'm not making excuses but possibly she is worn out through sleepless nights and simply trying to cope with everything.
Have you thought of inviting her to your house? She could come with the baby, you could have a nice lunch ready, maybe she might relax and not feel as if her house was being invaded, well, not invaded but you know what I mean. Then maybe you both take baby for a walk and she might chat to you if the pressure is off.
In time I'm sure with experience she will find it easier to cope, but it's important to keep a good relationship now, you definitely don't want to fall out with her. There are lots of gransnetters who are cut off from their grandchildren for whatever reason. Smile and be nice, it will pay off.
Good luck. Keep us posted. You will get through this tricky stage. Try not to let it upset you, she is just venting her frustrations.

What do you plan to do with the recordings? Play them back to your son? I think he would presume that you had lost the plot and it would build huge resentment.
Personally I would return the key, try and invite them to your home or somewhere neutral and keep contact to a minimum. She obviously does not like you or yr hubby so it's best to keep things very low key.
As suggested before, focus on your own life, keep busy and try not to dwell on it all too much.
You could take a bunch of flowers round and say sorry that you seem to have upset her in some way and is there anyway that things could be resolved between you all.
I do think that things will not improve greatly though so just enjoy every precious moment with your grandson while you can.

1) give the key back with a smile and say you don't need it now DIL is at home and the DIY is done
2) back off and pretend nothing has happened - visit if encouraged, tap on door/ring or text from mobile when you are outside if DIL is worried about the baby waking up, don't outstay your welcome and turn a deaf ear to any overt or implied criticism.
Alternatively, record conversations "prove" you are in the "right" cause a mega bust up with your DS amd DIL and resign yourself to not seeing them or the baby for a long time. I know which I would do.

Definitely give the key back. She may decide she wants you to keep it in case of emergency - but it should be her decision. It's her home, after all.