Hi. I am new to this website and I hate my first post to be a 'rant' but I am desperate because I just dont know where I have gone wrong. To give some background: One daughter, 30, lives in USA, married, no chldren, we visit twice a year, they visit twice. Everything fine. Son, 36, previously married for one year, wife left after she had affair with married colleague. Affair ended, wife wanted to return but son refused to take her back when he found she had been having the affair even prior to their marriage. This resulted in a messy, costly divorce as ex daughter in law tried to force sale of property but Judge ruled she had no entitlement to house son bought 5 years prior to meeting wife. Fast forward two years and son meets someone new She seems really nice and we hope all will be well. Last year she ( will call her DIL as seems daft to keep repeating 'partner'. )moved in with him and they now have a 6 month old baby. They have had many broken nights and I appreciate DIL has had a very tough time. My husband and I retired just before baby was born. We live locally but only go to visit when we are invited. DIL's parents live much further away but they visit more often (that seems to the norm from what I've read and what friends with married sons have said). We love to see our gorgeous little grandson but we fit in and just go when asked and dont overstay our welcome. We look after him when DIL wants to sleep and take him out in his pram when she wants time to herself or to catch up on housework I have only had two 'social' outings with her and that was to the baby weighing clinic and Sainsburyys!! So to get to my point at last: My DIL knows that we keep a key to the house. My husband has done quite a bit of DIY for son and DIL when they were at work last year. I never went with him but of course he let himself in with the key. That was the arrangement and DIL was happy the house was having some TLC. When baby was born early this year she said to me....'you have a key, so there's no need to knock, just come in, its not a problem.' So that has been the drill.
She says when it is convenient to visit and then, on the day, texts us to confirm time. We have always fallen in with this and we are fine with it. We arrive on time, knock or ring, insert key, stand in hall and she will call out that she is 'in the conservatory', bedroom or wherever, and we will wait for her there. It worked well , particularly if it was raining, as we didnt have to stand outside on the doorstep while she was changing or making bottles or the 101 other things new mums have to do. So, last Tuesday, I was due to go round in the morning (husband had an appointment so didnt come), and she texts me at 4pm saying 'come now'. I went round to the house and, as usual, knocked and inserted my key. She pulled it open and just went into one saying that I dont have to use my key! I was really taken aback as she was the one who suggested it in the first place! I felt really upset by this but carried on as usual and took baby for a walk. DIL seemd Ok but I felt I was treading on eggshells. They went away for the weekend but she texted last night asking me to come round this morning. So I did and rang the bell. She opened the door, scowling and said, 'dont ring, knock'! Bl**dy hell I thought, what on earth is going on. She then said that she had told me several times not to intrude into her home!! I am staggered. Her parents have a key and seem to come and go as they please. Anyway I just walked away, I didnt know what else to do. I rung my son as I thought my dIL might be ill but he said she is very touchy but there was no need for her to be so rude and hurtful. He feels she has overstepped the mark but he doesnt want to get in an arguement with her because she will not let it drop. I think he is having trouble coping with it all. Is it post-natal depression? I have no experience of this although I have read about it. When we have seen her with her parents (who we get on just great with) she is always upbeat with them. I suggested to my son that he could talk to DIL's mother but he said he didnt think it was a good idea as DIL will 'go into one' as he put it. We have done whatever she wants, when she wants it. We dance to her tune just so we can spend time with our
grandson but it looks like she is trying to alienate me. She has texted me that I shouldnt use the key as she could be undressed when we arrive,.....but how would she be if she knows practically to the minute when we will arrive?? My son has spoken to her and he phoned and said she is concerned I will not forgive her. I tried to ring her but she wont speak to me. I dont know where this has all come from.
PLEASE, has any other mum in law had any similar experience. I need to keep everything afloat for my grandson (and my son) but I feel I have gone wrong somewhere and I am just so upset.......
Thank you for reading this
and HUGS.
it may feel like a small step but it is one in the right direction.