I just dont know what to do!

I'm sorry, I've come to this thread a bit late so apologise for the fact that I may not have read it properly. I agree, the recording must go but maybe you could write down the things that have happened [I often do that because I worry that I've misinterpreted something and then question my own memory]. Not with a view to doing anything with what you've written but sometimes reading back through something means something in it makes more sense. I would hate someone to have a key to my house. When I used to look after my grandson at my daughters house I would let myself in if she knew I was coming. However if I went out later in the day to do some shopping and arrived back after her husband had got in from work I would always ring the bell; it didn't feel right walking into my SIL's house. They have since moved house and an arguement I had with them [it happened in the blink of an eye and I still can't get my head round what happened or what I'd said] resulted in my SIL taking the keys off me. So there's something about inlaws and keys that causes a problem. Our children seem to want us to help with childcare but then resent the fact that they need it. It's all very complicated and sleepless nights/hormones/families etc etc make it even worse. Talking about it on here will help.

Hi Tegan. The problem with the key issue,is that DIL insisted I use my key in the first place! I was never comfortable with that, but it became the norm. Whenever I forgot the key she would open the door 'foul', and ask me where my key was!! Also, she always knew when I was coming as she would invite me at a specific time. It appears that at some point I was supposed to stop using the key, but she didn't tell me when, and I am not psychic!

louisamay; it's a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't . It's no wonder you don't know what to do for the best.

Tegan you have hit a very big nail in the head there , I too feel that children resent that they need our help , I keep my head down and concentrate on the Grandchildren , I have a key to DSs house which I never "remember " to take with me . I use the key to my DDs house .......... very different kettle of fish .
I hope Lousamay that you have come to a sort of truce ?

louisamay I am appalled that your DIL would think it perfectly OK to expect you to turn up at 7am in the morning to fit in with her schedule! This is totally unreasonable. I appreciate that you are bending over backwards to help her and wish to see your grandson as much as you are allowed - but this is ridiculous! Heart-breaking though it may seem, may I suggest you "back off", be busy with an appointment the next time you are summonsed, and wait for the next invitation, when you must ask whether you are to ring the bell, knock on the door or communicate by telepathy as to her instructions! We grandparents are so keen to please and be helpful, sometimes we lose sight of the fact that, more often than not, WE are doing THEM a favour and we get very little thanks for it if we are seen to be always available and compliant. Give yourself a break - you are not the quilty party. I would not be at all surprised if your DIL is suffering from PND or is just plain exhausted and overwhelmed by the arrival of this new infant. We've all been there! Courage, mon brave!

* louisamay* you obviously love your son so do you really want to put him in an impossible situation where you record your DIL? From what you have said your son seems to love you and knows that something is wrong but I think he needs your support by you trying to keep calm and not make matters worse. Why don't you resort to an old fashioned method and write to them both. Explain that you want to help whenever you are needed and perhaps return the key. Tell them you love all 3 of them. Please don't force your son to choose he has a child of his own to care for now and he obviously appreciates that you are trying to help. I know you love your grandson and want to see him as much as possible but maybe your son needs your calm support most at the moment. I hope things get better for you all soon.

Hello again
My son asked us to babysit at the weekend so he and DIL could go for a meal. Naturally, we jumped at the chance and managed to see our GS for half an hour before he went to bed. DIL was very frosty with us. Son was clearly uncomfortable with her behaviour. On their return DIL managed a couple of words but didn't say goodbye when we left. It's hard to put this behaviour down to PND.
Something I would like some input on is this: Before the recent totally unexpected blow up where DIL accused us of bullying her and I was singled out for having 'aggressive body language' we had been planning to ask DIL's parents over for Sunday lunch. We have enjoyed their hospitality on occasions and now that baby is a bit more manageable, I thought of inviting son, DIL, baby and other GPs all together. It would appear odd if we only invited other GP's on their own. However, it concerns me that apparently DIL has told her parents (obviously giving her version of it) the whole sorry tale and probably used the same emotive language. I said to my son that we will now feel very uncomfortable with them. Son responded by saying that we shouldn't be concerned about what they think and to go ahead as if nothing has happened! That's easy to say, isn't it? I feel I need to have a chance to clear matters up with DIL's parents but without resorting to asking them to have a quiet chat behind her or my sons back I can't see what else I can do. The 'explosion' by DIL has been like a stone dropped in a pond ..the ripples have spread. What to do?
In the meantime we carry on - head down and only speak when spoken to.

I would leave the ripples to settle a bit before inviting the in-laws. A meal with all of you there would not be a pleasure at the moment, so has no virtue; and inviting them alone (unless they have done so for you in the past) might seem a bit odd. If both groups of parents are aware that relations are a bit fragile at present, it would be a frosty meal, with both sides trying not to speak about the "elephant in the room." Sounds grim to me and best avoided.

It sounds like a lovely idea louisamay; it could also be the recipe for disaster. Mind you, DIL might think it's a way of getting her parents 'on side' given the way her mind seems to be working. Only do it if it's meant to be a family get together....I assume you don't intend to mention your DIL's behaviour to her parents?

Just to add. I am not expecting DIL's parents to 'side' with anyone. She is, after all, their daughter. But, from odd comments they have passed during the few years we have known them, I got the impression that she can be difficult. I remember her dad saying '..once she starts, she has quite a mouth on her,'. How can we sit round a table with them when they have been told that we 'bullied' her (God knows, it was quite the reverse!) and upset the baby?

louisamay it seems to me everyone, especially your son, is tiptoeing around DIL and afraid to get to the bottom of the problem. Is there no way you could ask your son to speak to her and ask what the problem is, as this is upsetting you as you have no idea what has caused this coolness and would like to rectify matters if possible. He is obviously aware that there is an atmosphere and, in my opinion, the ball is fairly and squarely in his court to sort it out before further damage is done.

Magmar - apparently son did speak to her and said that she shouldn't have behaved like she did and that we are older people and do not want to be involved in shouting and unpleasantness . However DIL plays the victim and says how tired she is etc etc and that we 'over exaggerated' (if only). Well, we know all of that, but there is no excuse for blatant uncalled for rudeness to people to have only ever been kind and inobtrusive. All son says now is 'carry on as normal and don't worry about it'
He also says her frostiness may be due to her being embarrassed about her behaviour. Not sure I go along with that. Most people would be ashamed.

Sorry .... meant UNintrusive!

louisamay - I have a daughter for whom I bent over backwards to be helpful, look after the girls (2 and 5) when called upon, willingly and happily as they are delightful, but was spoken to very rudely one day when I had had a lovely day with them. I told my daughter I would not be spoken to like it, considering all I do for them, and since then she has been very cool towards me, which I do not deserve. I told her I expected an apology but, like your DIL, she doesn't know the meaning of the word! Consequently, I now wait to be asked for help, which makes me very sad, but she will have to learn I have feelings too! I feel for you, as it must be very hard to be expected to "carry on as normal" - and quite frankly, why should you?

Magmar I know what you mean. I have had to cool things with my daughter for the time being. I voiced opinions on her wedding and we all know that we are not allowed to have an opinion. So, as I have practically laid my life down for her, and was told I am to have no part in her wedding, I was upset and told her I was. It is her wedding and she will have it her way, she said. Fair enough, but count me out if I am to be treated like any other guest when I have brought her up on my own from a baby. I am doing my own thing for a while because, like your daughter, she can't back down neither and smooth things over, it's always me who gives in first. Not this time. We have to stand our ground or else we will have no authority in the family set up. How would my GS view me if I kowtow to my daughter and say nothing? Surely a wedding is a bringing together of two families and other people's opinion should count too as well as the couple. But, you see, I'm not paying for it, so therefore, I have no say.

I do think your best way forward, if you want happy families, is to do as your son asks and forget the whole thing. Dificult? You bet. We've had something similar and our DS has been adamant that the family should not be judgemental. We've had to do this for the sake of DGS. We've forced ourselves to continue as if everything's fine and "normal". Basically zip up and shut up. 18 months down the line my DiL and I have a reasonable relationship and we get to see DGS regularly and he has overnight stays at ours BUT we only go over when asked to and only when asked. We NEVER volunteer.
We have great fun with DGS and after all that's what it's all about.
Hugs

I have to agree with Kate13 That IS what it's all about. No point being miserable and lonely in the right (and in the minority). Make a list of your priorities and think about how your course of action impacts them. Good luck!

Update! Following advice on here (and with difficulty!). I have managed to act normally towards DIL, although she was very frosty with me following her outburst, even when we babysat for them. She has gradually become more civil but, whereas before her outburst (sorry, but the sad saga has already been told above..) , she would invite us round, albeit occassionaly, she now seems unable or unwilling to make any arrangements for us to see baby unless it's done through DS. The poor bloke works long hours in a stressful job but now he has to act as a go between. With DIL's approval he managed to bring our grandson round to our house for a couple of hours one Saturday afternoon a couple of weeks ago ( the only time the little chap has ever been here ) and we had great fun. Son recently got in touch and said DIL suggested we could go to their house and see baby this past Monday. We were only there an hour and DIL seemed OK so I took the bull by the horns and asked if it would be possible for son to bring him round again this week. I left the choice of the day to her and she suggested late Friday afternoon as son goes into work very early that day and leaves early to avoid horrendous Friday evening traffic. She said she thought it would be ok although her mother would be over but would probably leave about 4.30 so it should be fine. We live on,y a ten minute drive away. To be honest I couldn't see how relevant her mums departure time was as she is over today for the day and DIL had spent last weekend there so surely it's no big deal if DS picks up baby at 4.15 and DIL's mum is there??? Am I missing something here? Anyway, to keep things going along friendly I sent her an email yesterday to say how much I had enjoyed seeing her and baby and hoped Friday would work. I got an email by return saying that it was very much dependant on what time her mother left to go home that day. Then, this morning, I get a call from my son - who has been dragged into it again - to say that she told him this morning that, due to her mum being around on Friday, she feels we should put off baby's visit here , and he had to convey this to me! Poor bloke feels bad about it but I tried to reassure him it's fine......I realise this is how it's going to be.
Now for the punch line - she has asked if we can babysit on Sat evening! We will, of course, because if we don't, DIL's mother will make the three hour return trip and do it herself and we will be deprived yet again of seeing baby briefly before his bedtime. Grrrrr. Sorry for the rant but I feel I could smash something at the moment! What the bloody hell can you do with someone who operates like this?? I don't want to discuss all this with my son. Surely DIL should be able to communicate between ourselves?

Sounds as if there has been some progress.

Yes - some progress. Go with the flow - you are doing well.

I can see that if her Mum was over from 3 hours' drive away, then a different day for you to have GC might seem a better choice from her point of view.

Enjoy the babysitting. Play it cool!

Following on - it's my birthday soon and normally we get together with son and DIL plus her parents for a meal out. I understand that DIL told her parents about the dreaded day last month and if it's anything similar to the version she gave my son, they won't think too highly of us ((we were, apparently, aggressive, bullying and intimidating etc etc). Such as a shame as we like her parents and have always got on well with them. As mentioned in a previous post, DS does not want us to say anything to them but that means having no contact at all because DH and I would be much too embarrassed to meet up before the air is cleared. Why do things have to be like this....

Mishap - DIL's mum would be leaving around 4.30 or earlier for her 1 and half hours journey back. DH has just now suggested to me that it's possible DIL told such a story to her mum that she now doesn't want her to know that baby could be spending any time at the 'aggressive' and 'bullying' grandparents house but,if Friday went ahead and DS collected baby to bring round here after he got home from work, her mum would know as she may not have left for home Ah, now that is beginning to make sense, maybe..
A couple of weeks back I said to DIL that I hadn't seen her Mum for ages and maybe would ring her some time. Boy, the look on her face. She said 'Mum is always so busy, it may just go to voicemail, so probably not worth you wasting a call..' Hmmm..

What do you grans think about me getting in touch with DIL's parents and what on earth can I say to them if I do? Amazing how one person can cause disruption in what was previously a nice family where we all got along well.

If you enjoy DiL's mum's company, then phone or email her with a "Haven't seen you for ages, how about a coffee?" Then don't mention DiL except if the other mum does. Reply something like "She is very prickly these days, she is so busy". If DiL's mum knows her daughter as well as most mums, she will recognise how DiL is reacting to you - she may well be just as prickly with her mother. She may have something consoling to say about the situation. But she may not!

Although it appears that your daughter in law is rather unreasonable, I think it's probably better if you back off a bit. You had seen your grandson, albeit for a short time, on a Saturday and on a Monday, and then asked to see him in the week as well. Given that the situation is strained at the moment, it might have been better to have left the ball in their court as to when you would see your grandson again.

On the other hand, you might have appreciated it more if your daughter in law had been upfront and said that actually she'd be grateful if you'd babysit on the Saturday instead. I can understand how you feel like you're being made a bit of a convenience of but this sort of thoughtlessness can occur with parents' own daughters/sons as well as with daughters and sons in law.

I'm not sure about you ringing up her mum unless you would feel it would be possible for you to have a normal, friendly chat in the current circumstances. It might be better to let things settle for a while. If you do have an opportunity to speak to her mum on the phone or meet up, as Elegran said I think it's better not to say anything unless her mum brings up the subject of her daughter's current behaviour. Even then, if it were me and I felt I just had to say something, I would focus on the way I felt - confused and hurt - and perhaps seek her advice.

I think you should back off abit.
You saw your grandson at your house, and at theirs and are babysitting on Saturday, that's fantastic! Why rock the boat?

Things are going smoothly, honestly what do you think ringing her parents will do?
Ring them and talk about your DIL to HER parents, behind your DILs back?
They will tell their daughter, then she will tell DH and the only person that will loose out is you.
You're creating drama when there is no need for any.

If you're son is being used as a go between see it as a good thing, if DIL was exagerating everything you 'said' to her, this won't happen anymore.