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Why do I have such a DIL?

(144 Posts)
msmac Fri 12-Sep-14 18:32:54

I am new here and have wanted to post before, but was afraid. I need some advice, reassurance??? My DIL is a living night mare. She will not let us see our grandchildren, even though we raised the 5 year old since he was 6 months. She has "taken" him back numerous times to quote "teach us a lesson". It was because she was angry with us. Not anything to do with the child. She uses him like a pawn. Now, she has a new "princess" and the 5 year is lost, but she don't care. We want to be there, but we have accepted we can not control her. Our son, he doesn't get involved, unless it is to come over to our house and yell at us. I don't want to live like this anymore. My heart aches for our grandson, but I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions?

Marelli Sat 13-Sep-14 19:04:49

You really don't think that going to Social Services yet would be a good thing, msmac??? Your DGS is being physically abused. What is more important? If this little boy is being hurt then the authorities must be informed immediately - worry about access later. angry

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 19:08:22

Just read the bit about the teeth! And the bruises! What are you on here for? Why aren't you talking to the police?!

Sod whether you get to see him or not. His welfare is far more important.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 19:09:40

There is more than abuse going on, there is cruelty. What kind of a grandmother are you? angry

glammanana Sat 13-Sep-14 19:15:53

msmacHow I feel for you and send you virtual ((hugs)) if this was my problem I would first start with my son and refuse to have him "yell" at me or my OH that is just not done and he would be told so in no uncertain terms wether it upset him or not it is not acceptable,can your OH not tell him to stop this kind of behaviour.
I know you are desperate to see your DGS and feel you are being held to ransom but (again if it where me) I would not be available if they wanted childminding etc or financial help they would soon get the message I think.
Tell your DIL & Son they are welcome at your home with the children on your terms and if they don't like it tough, you will probably have them sulking for a while but trust me they will get over it.
Invite you DIL out to lunch and try and have a friendly chat even if it is the last thing you want to do.She has just given birth so give her some consideration for a while,whilst keeping a close eye on your DGS and how he is coping.So calm and rational is the way to go here in my opinion.

glammanana Sat 13-Sep-14 19:22:55

I have just read the posts come on line whilst I was typing and I must say I would be more than worried about the treatment of this child.I think he needs help right now.

HildaW Sat 13-Sep-14 19:24:01

Your further post msmac have really concerned me. It does sound as if this little boy is living in an abusive environment. Am sorry but its always a loving decent person's duty to report such events. If you do officially loose contact with your GS then that would be the price I'd pay. Just imagine how you would feel if this treatment went up a scale and resulted in permanent injury or worse?

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 19:33:47

Well, I did call anonymously and was told that sort of thing happens a lot. And it is usually the gp that are doing the reporting. I also was told that it is not "yet" abuse. They also said that if the child were asked questions regarding any of the allegations, what would his answer be? The man said that most of the time, the child will not turn on his mother, I am sure she has coached him not to tell on her father. Without actual physical proof and my gs confirming it, then they said they could not do anything if it actually fir into the child abuse class, which at this time it does not. I agree with you all and that is why I am also very upset...again, there is nothing I can do, but stand by and watch. We have no gp rights here. I appreciate all you are doing to help me, I did try that, but got no where. And, if she even suspected me of doing anything, I would not see them and the father would still have access to them, if you get my drift. I think sometimes I put up with some of her stunts just so I can keep an eye my gs. I always have his welfare at heart. I did not mention going to the authorities because I figured you all would think I was a nasty person.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 19:39:38

I have told him, just last week, via text because he sent one saying he was on his way up to "let me know how he feels about a few things". I told him that if he did not act nice, I would ask him to leave and if he didn't I would call the police and have him removed. He never came up. Haven't heard from him either. Mu husband, well now is another case, he likes to hide his head in the sand and thinks all is well with the world. When he comes up for air, he is still in his fairy tell world. He works 9 hours a day, comes home eats, takes a shower, watches some TV and goes to bed. He doesn't like any type of confrontation or decision making. He just wants to be happy. I do too, but reality is reality. So, not much help from there.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 19:40:58

jinglbellsfrocks-please read how I tried to get social services to help, but they would not. It just adds to my frustration.

Elegran Sat 13-Sep-14 20:08:58

msmac One of two things is going on here.

1) From what you say, your grandson has been badly abused by his Pappy. Pulling out a small boys teeth with pliers is not something that the Social Services (or police) regard as "that sort of thing happens a lot". It is cruelty of the worst sort, and if you fail to report it - without hiding behind anonymity - you are colluding and allowing it and other things to happen. If you think that it is worse that you don't see him than that this situation continues unchecked, you don't deserve a grandchild.


2)You are winding up the loving concerned grandparents on this forum by telling this story, which goes to the heart of every mother or grandmother.

If what is going on is my first scenario, then get on the phone to the police and tell them what you have posted here. Give them a date for that teeth-pulling, and tell them of any other abuse thatyou have witnessed. If it is the second scenario, go away and don't come back.

Soutra Sat 13-Sep-14 20:10:57

Is your GS at school, msmac? Would a teacher not be aware of bruising and the pulled teeth? I am not sure an anonymous report is the way to go about it, but members with SW experience would be able to put me right here. This is a serious issue and for your GS's sake you need to take action.

Coolgran65 Sat 13-Sep-14 20:12:09

If an adult uses pliers to pull out a child's teeth before they are ready to fall out, (how many teeth were involved) (I can't believe I've just written this) could it be obvious to a doctor/dentist that this has occurred.

It appears that SS did not respond to an anonymous call - what if a call was to say..... this has happened, this needs investigated, I am noting that this has been reported to youm and what is your name.
SS services may say there is no proof but surely as a response to such a call, at least a visit to the family should take place and the child checked. If child appears ok, the family has at least been put on notice that the authorities are suspicious.

What about going to the police.
Make a statement.
Does Mrmac know of these teeth being pulled, of beatings.

It troubles me that these events might only be those that you aware of. I don't want to be an alarmist but what if there are other disciplines/issues.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 13-Sep-14 20:16:34

I don't think you'd make that up - about the teeth and pliers.

God! It makes you wonder how many children live on the edge of very extreme situations.

Coolgran65 Sat 13-Sep-14 20:17:06

My post crossed with Soutra and Elangran.

Elangran - it did flicker across my mind that this is so bad... could someone be making this up. And I felt bad that someone might make up something so awful. If this is the case then the poster is a very disturbed person and in need of assessment.

mrsmac..... if you are indeed genuine, please report this and save your little grandson from such misery.

Ana Sat 13-Sep-14 20:17:54

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 20:20:18

Elegran-I have done what I said I did. The social services said they could not do anything. They did not say (if I left you thinking incorrectly, then sorry) that pulling out teeth with pliers happens all the time. What they said was that gp called and reported the parents a lot. Now, I can only do what I can, I did say if I gave my name would it help-NO, was the answer. They felt there was nothing they could do yet. They suggested I try to keep my eye open and if possible take pictures (concrete evidence) not just me calling and being accusing and the parents denying it. That way, maybe, just maybe I could do something.
I am not trying to pull at anyone. I came here looking for something.
I have told everyone on here the truth. I can not make police or anyone do something as much as I would love them to it. The law takes over and they go by it.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 20:22:08

If you want me to leave-I will. Thank you for all the nice things and feeling and real help.

rosequartz Sat 13-Sep-14 20:26:25

I agree with many of the above posts (elegran and others) AND ALSO Coolgran65 that mrsmac is not real and is making this up to see what the response is. If so, very sick.

If not, then the parents need to be reported asap and that child is in need of help. If, as mrsmac says the SS will not help, then perhaps the NSPCC will, and the police need to be told.

No decent person could stand aside and let this happen to a little 5 year old boy without doing something, let alone what purports to be a concerned grandmother!

Soutra Sat 13-Sep-14 20:26:58

Just wondering if you are in the UK, msmac? if not perhaps procedures are different where you live (I note you use the words "mom" and "pappy" - US?) Not being nosey, just trying to find a way through this nightmare story.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 20:27:42

Soutra- the teeth pulling was prior to starting Kindergarten-happened last month. His mother had just taken him to the dentist and so no new visit coming up.
Yes, mh, my son all know about it. No one wants to do anything. mh told me to keep out of it. But, I didn't listen and called anyway.
I have a friend who is on the school board and had advised his teacher to watch for things, so I am trying with all my heart. I can only do what I can. Please understand how hard it is for me. That is why I turned to this forum. But, unfortunately, I guess some don't think I am for real.

msmac Sat 13-Sep-14 20:32:27

I don't know what NSPCC is. No one could make this up. If they do, they are sick. I live in a very rural area of the US. Again, I will leave..I certainly do not need people writing things about me. I have a bad enough situation. This place is to help and understand, not be cruel and judging. I would not judge anyone on here. I would try and give advice and understand and empathy.

Soutra Sat 13-Sep-14 20:33:22

You say he is 5 but that he started Kindergarten last month- not "big school"? That is why I asked if your are in the UK. And children do not lose their baby teeth at such an early age - why did the dentist not query it? You have a duty to enlist the support of your DGS's teacher, the health professionals and to take action

annodomini Sat 13-Sep-14 20:34:52

I feel very strongly that this could be a child at risk - if not from his parents, then from his grandfather. Did you actually tell SS the form that the abuse has taken? After so many cases in which warning signs have been discounted, they should be hyper-aware of such information. Surely grandparents are in a prime position to notice and report - and to be taken seriously. It's just not good enough to say that they get a lot of such calls from gps. Even if some are false alarms, the next one could lead to a headline in the Mail.

Soutra Sat 13-Sep-14 20:35:12

Ah crossed posts - I still think that even where the system is different, the people I have mentioned plus the evidence you have quoted would warrant a hime visit or investigation from a social worker. Do not give up.

Soutra Sat 13-Sep-14 20:36:13

" home visit" was what that should have read.