to think the Idiot is wrong?

In view of his behaviour, I don't think the idea of staying overnight should come into it.
Do the DGC like spending time with him? If not, why persevere with it? If they do, then daytime visits only would seem like the best way.
Some good suggestions from Eloethan.

What a nightmare! I think your DD is being more than generous in allowing the idiot any contact with the chn. Supervised contact only! He, obviously, cannot be trusted to be civilised and rational. Sorry if this is an extreme reaction but I find his behaviour intolerable and

Your DD needs to talk to the police about the assault. Not necessarily to lay charges but to get it on record and get advice.

You're not being unreasonable. Our children come every weekend but I go out for a couple of hours each Saturday so that my husband can have time alone with them. I think it's important for the children to have time alone with their dad and for him to have time alone with them.

What does the new girlfriend think? Hopefully she has seen the true side of his character and has cleared off before she is his next victim.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable! Thank you all for your replies.

DD is much stronger but not at the stage of rocking the boat by getting the police or solicitors involved. If she asks for any organised routine he just says his work is not predictable so nor would her maintenance be! And he does have a point that the nature of his business means that he often works over night or at weekends!

The children are almost 3 and 19 months old so as well as the children needing to see their father, DD (and we) need a break.

DD1, who knows about these things, says contact with a father has been shown to be vital, however bad they are, unless they are actually abusing the child. I have to persuade DH not to say what he thinks about that research!

Children of that age are a bit young for leaving overnight with anyone and if they were going to stay overnight I would want them to be with someone who wouldn't hesitate to call if they were unhappy or there was a problem. It doesn't sound as if you could trust the Idiot to do this.

I agree that contact with their father is important, but possibly not an awful lot of contact and your DD should be setting the ground rules.

Fully understand the need for a break, kitty, but overnight stays with this person idiot could lead to a lot more stress for everyone.

kitty, I think any research that shows children do better if they have contact with their father must be balanced against a wealth of research that shows how damaging it is for children to witness domestic violence. The effects on your DGC of seeing and hearing her mother being physically and verbally abused in this way really cannot be under-estimated. What a nightmare for you all [ flowers]

kitty bugger the break, I can't stress enough your daughter is making a huge mistake. Your GC are still very young, little more than babies, overnight stays with their father who is violent and they hardly see can't be in their best interests. How will your daughter feel if he treats her children in the same way. He really is a horrible man, doesn't seem the least bit interested in his children and I wouldn't trust him to care for them properly over night. I think the girlfriend is the least of your daughter's worries.

I wouldn't leave any child of mine overnight with a man who had been violent towards me even if he was their father. I'd settle for short daytime visits, such as an afternoon here and there.

Will it really be a break letting him have the children overnight? Or will you all be restless wondering if they're ok?

What a difficult situation- but I must say I agree with Faye, thatbags and otehrs- they are far too young to stay with him in the current situation- I would not trust hime with them for long periods of time.

Just can't imagine what you are going through. DD2 has been in a similar situation with a similar man- but no children involved- so eventually she was able to just walk away (despite losing all her savings, etc...) and move on.

Thinking of you all

It doesn't sound like he wants to have the children overnight, anyway, so it's not likely he'll take proper care of them.
He sounds completely selfish and not someone who can be trusted so the less contact the DGC have with him, the better.
It can't possibly be true that children benefit from contact with their fathers, however bad they are. Listen to your DH and keep those kids away from that man abusive bully as much as possible.

(One thought - if this guy was a neighbour, would you or your DD ask him to babysit?)

I wouldn't leave children with a bully just so I could have a break from them. Isn't it in parent and grandparent's remit that they would go to any lengths to keep the children safe, bit like leaving your children with an unpredictable dog.

I love the thought of him as an unpredictable dog harri. None of us believe he would be violent with the children but I take all the points above.

The problem we have is that they are DD's children and he is her husband so all we can do is advise - as per usual. I suggested she shouldn't marry him and look what happened!

DH and I were talking about this last night and we think she needs to go back to the doctor and see about some alteration to her medication. She seems to be in a bit of a fog about most things at the moment.

You must be so worried about her, as well as the children. Perhaps it is time for her to be seen by a specialist rather than the GP- but walking on eggs, knowing you have to help, but unable to make any of the decisions must be so very hard. I wish I could say or do anything that might actually help ..... instead of just stupid words and internet flowers.

Just because 'research' shows that contact with even a bad father is shown to be vital does not make it true, leastways not in every case.

Even if he is not physically abusive towards the children, he is verbally abusive about their mother and has been physically abusive towards her in front of them - very bad for them psychologically.

They are not old enough to state whether or not they want to see him, they are still very tiny and unless he treats them really well, lovingly and responsibly when they are with him and refrains from saying or doing anything at all about their mother in front of them then he is doing more harm than good.

Kitty I do absolutely understand what you're going through as our situation is almost identical - including the withholding of maintenance etc with the added stress that DD has spent nearly 6 weeks in hospital undergoing treatment and surgery.

This idiot has always been uncooperative about his working hours and availability. I suffered a week or two ago because I'm the one who has been primary carer for the wee ones and was trying to sort out their care. I said that I felt we had to plan a week in advance so that GP's and other caring relatives were clear about school runs etc.
Imagine how I felt when I was told he'd gone whining to Facebook complaining that I wouldn't allow him access. Replies from his 'friends' ( none of whom know me or the situation) made it clear I was an unsympathetic b****.

He chose the morning of my Dd's op to shout at me over the phone and point out that 'if anything happens to her remember that I'll be the one who decides who gets access to my children'.

I am truly thankful that the children esp GS have several good male role models to balance his cruel, misogynist and selfish attitudes.

What a difficult situation - I do feel for you. If only our DDs would let us choose their partners for them - the impotence that you must feel in the situation must be driving you nuts - it certainly would me.

What a plonker, mcem. Don't worry about his ridiculous chats with nobodies on facebook.
Hope your DD makes a good recovery and that you can all ignore him as far as possible.

Thank you. I've been trying to contain my frustrations but kitty's remarks about unpredictable working hours and maintenance just opened a floodgate!

I wish we could just tell him to get lost but sadly can't. We've considered a solicitor's letter but unfortunately we don't think we can, as being arrogant and vile don't constitute a legal offence.

All being well she might just be home tomorrow.

I think it might help your daughter if she contacted Woman's Aid, they would be able to give her guidelines on things like overnight stays, and could discuss DV issues with her.

He sounds like a controlling bully, and that must be very difficult for her to cope with.

Fortunately we were able to form an escape committee for her and she is away from him and in a new and far better relationship. However we don't have sufficient reason to stop him seeing the children and he'd be the first to demand his legal rights.
Nothing would make me happier than to see him disappear from their lives but short of calling in the mafia I think we're stuck with him. As Mishap said 'if only we could choose their partners for them'.
Fingers crossed that tomorrow sees her home from hospital.
.

I understand that your DD doesn't want to involve authorities yet but she needs to sort maintenance. He can't say this week you can have £x but next week you can only have £y. That's just him keeping control over your DD.

Agreed- your DD and children are so lucky they could move in with you- as you not only accomodate them, but help with the children and I imagine bear the financial cost of it all- he knows that and truly takes advantage of it all. But so does your daughter too, in a roundabout way, by not insisting on proper maintenance, access, etc, to be legally fixed. She must realise how much pressure this is putting on you, both of you.