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Grandsons dad keeps all his clothes, and doesnt send them back

(61 Posts)
bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 15:27:55

both myself and DD have tried for years to somehow solve this problem but as yet have never been able too!
GS whos 8 goes to his dads on a Tuesday (straight from school so no prob as he is in his school uniform that is put back on when he takes him school Wednesday morn)
But every other weekend he goes to his dads again Friday around 5-30 until Sunday at 3) Over the yrs I have bought GS lovely clothes,playing out ones, smart ones, practical ones, but every time he goes to his dads in nice decent clothes he is returned in unsuitable too small naff fitting clothes!that have to be thrown away as their just too small and rubbish, GS has come home today in tight skinny fitting jeans that the poor lad could hardly sit down in (how he managed to get them on I do not know as we had to tug them off)they were pulling his tummy in so tight they left a mark! his dad has kept his new football trainers that I bought him for Christmas (which I couldn't really afford)
I stopped buying him clothes a long time ago as they just kept disappearing... he went to his dads in his playing out clothes on Friday, joggy bottoms, footy trainers etc..but has come back without them.
Its no use texting him or trying to reason with him as he is a cocky little *****!! has any gran/mum found a solution to this..other than sending him in his pyjamas (which he would no doubt keep as well) DD cannot afford to keep replacing clothes that he has kept. and GS won't dare say anything to his dad , wouldn't be so bad if he "paid ! a little towards with CSA but nope. he is very cunning his dad,,, we have just realised that we haven't been getting GS dinner money receipts, so we think GS dad has been keeping them and he is going to say that HE! has been paying his dinner money £11 a week to CSA! ,Im going to inform the school tomorrow about this, ok rant over ..thank you for listening.

bikergran Mon 19-Jan-15 10:32:42

GS is picked up at GS house and dropped off back the past I have got him changed from "nice clothes" in to "playing out clothes" but I have still made sure he looks presentable , I cant send the lad whos now 8 in just anything as he would be embarrassed. I suggested that on Friday when GS dad comes to pick him up that he keeps his school uniform on so that he would HAVE! to send him back in that...but! DD said he wouldn't t do! he would deliberately send him back in other clothes so that DD would have to chase around to buy new school uniform! that's the kind of games he plays, I am going to look in the charity shops and maybe pick up some clothes and put them in a bag to keep labelled " clothes for dads" !!angry suppose its just one of those things we have to accept..hes done it for yrs so he's not going to change now is he...he once got all and I mean all!! DD clothes apart from the ones she stood up in, !! and disposed of them (we never found out where or how) not even the police could get it out of him) and what he didn't dispose of he cut up into shreds!! in a pile! he is a sick person! thanks again all for advice .

Elegran Mon 19-Jan-15 11:35:43

Essentially, he is a thief if he keeps the clothes and does not return them. That is breaking the law.

I agree that you should photograph the boy as goes into his father's care and again when he returns to you. That is evidence.

Tell him that you can't afford new clothes every time he sees the boy , whatever vast (!!) sum he thinks he is paying to support him, and that it will be a police matter if he does not return what he was wearing when he arrives.

Elegran Mon 19-Jan-15 11:36:37

Kepp a written record of clothes bought and clothes vanished, too and the cost of replacement.

Ana Mon 19-Jan-15 11:52:28

He may be technically a thief, but he's the boy's dad and threatening to report him to the police might not be a good idea, especially if he's got a volatile temper!

It does seem to be that in situations like this the only realistic 'solution' is what others have suggested and what biker and her DD intend to do from now on - just don't send GS to his dad's in anything other than charity shop bargains.

Good luck - and I hope you get the dinner money situation sorted out, too!

ninathenana Mon 19-Jan-15 12:04:16

I forgot to say in last nights post (it was late) apart from missing clothes the youngest always comes back to DD with soaking wet nappy and a rash. DD gets it clear during the week and then when he's been to dad's it's back !

vampirequeen Mon 19-Jan-15 17:10:03

Not caring for a child in nappies is neglect. Your DD needs to take advice. Keeping clothes is one thing. Neglecting a little one is something else completely.

soontobe Mon 19-Jan-15 17:28:25

Out of interest really, what are the state of the dads own clothes?
Scruffy or smart?

soontobe Mon 19-Jan-15 17:32:51

If they are smart, you may be able to shame him into what clothes he puts his son in.
If his own clothes are scruffy you will have a harder job. Perhaps you could ask him if he would like you to keep a look out for some clothes for him? And see what his reaction to that is?
And what are his wider family dressed like?

ninathenana Mon 19-Jan-15 18:27:02

soontobe in our case the father is a complete scruff, lives in jeans n T-shirts which are often engine grease stained. His personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired too.

ninathenana Mon 19-Jan-15 18:28:22

VQ DD is after supervised access only.

Elegran Mon 19-Jan-15 19:25:08

His low personal standards shouldn't stop him sending back the clothes the boy arrived in - washed would be better than not, but just keeping them and never producing them again is sheer vindictiveness. And if he threw them iunto the washing machine, the boy could wear them home clean the next time he visited. He is a black hole for clothes.

Faye Mon 19-Jan-15 22:26:11

nina if a child is coming home with sopping wet nappies how neglected are they ie are they fed properly, sleeping in a warm bed etc? Is their nappy regularly changed during their stay or are they expected to stay wet? I would be loathe to send the child at all to spend time with a man like that. I understand him, he is an arrogant pig. angry

A friend's son died and the few times she was allowed to have her GC the child would only have her pajamas on. Friend had to go and buy clothes each visit. The situation eventually changed and GP and GC are able to spend more time together now.

vampirequeen Mon 19-Jan-15 22:34:55

Has your DD sought advice?

ninathenana Tue 20-Jan-15 00:26:48

Faye they are probably fed junk food. Two boys and father sleep in one double bed shock

shabby Tue 20-Jan-15 13:28:37

Sorry gransnetters you probably won't like my response but I wouldn't let them go to stay with their father. Keep evidence, stop the visits and let the courts/social workers or whichever agency might be involved sort it out. I was on the receiving end of this kind of treatment when my parents split up 55 years ago. My father shredded every bit of clothing that we had, chopped up every stick of furniture and gave away all of our toys to other kids in the flats we lived in. He had access to us every weekend and can you imagine what it felt like to see other children playing with your toys. We slept on a mattress on the floor during visits and whilst he would never have physically hurt us me and my siblings were the subjected to mind games that I still can't go into. The trauma that my father put us as a family through over the years has never really gone away. Eventually the visits were stopped as we refused to go and stay with him. Thankfully we had a haven with my maternal grandparents who we ended up living with. I speak from the heart here please do everything you can to stop this.

vampirequeen Tue 20-Jan-15 15:01:46

I think your DD definitely needs to seek advice.

kittylester Tue 20-Jan-15 15:28:23

nina, what an idiot. I'd be inclined to stop the visits too, although the idiot would see that as a reason to stop any money that was forthcoming!

shabby, I'm so sorry you had to suffer that kind of childhood. flowers

bikergran Tue 20-Jan-15 16:32:02

vamp I have always maintained to DD that GS dad should still be part of his life, GS has started now that he has got older says he doesn't want to go to his dads, but then some weekend hes quite happy to go, also if visits were stopped then holidays etc would become a nightmare, as I cannot look after him, DD cannot afford all these clubs etc.
We have both sought advice from various sources,, to be honest, and SS have more "urgent" cases to deal with.its just so frustrating, but I suppose the only way is just to make sure he goes in clothes that we are not bothered about getting back, but like I say its not fair on an 8 yr old to shove him in anything, it doesn't do his confidence any good, I am going to scour the charity shops for cheap cheap clothes.he once sent him back in a pair of 5yrs olds pyjama shorts ,GS seems oblivious at times, but he doesn't argue with his dad as he says his dads shouts at him if he does. As he is growing up he is starting to realise how his dad works! like the promise of going to Greece last year, then it was oh were not going Greece now, we will go somewhere in England, then that too diminished..until in the end they ended buying a dog! a boxer dog at over £500!! of course the novelty of that soon wore off. He tells us now that his dads tells lies and doesn't keep his promises etc etc he is beginning to wise up now! and in time will relise just who nuetured him smile

soontube oh he turns up in smart clothes most of the time, he doesn't go without! and next week GS will be going back in the clothes he came home in.

bikergran Tue 20-Jan-15 16:35:24

lol oh heck not neutered lol nurtured (is that how you spell nurtured) well you know what I mean!!

annsixty Tue 20-Jan-15 17:06:53

Neutering wouldn't be a bad idea for some of the idiots on here.Sadly it is too late for some.

Kiora Tue 20-Jan-15 18:19:01

shabby I think you have a valid point. We put up with clothes situation for some time. But our little lad started to get bladder infections because he was kept in his soiled urine clothes over two or three days when staying with his dad. He never wet himself with us. My daughter used to ask him if he wanted to go to his dad's and he'd say yes. I eventually convinced her to tell our boy that he couldn't go anymore because he wasn't being looked after properly. The look of relief on his face was wonderful and he has never wet the bed since. Just as I had thought, he told us later that he was frightened that his dad would find out he'd said he didn't want to go. What he needed was for an adult to shoulder the blame and make the decision on his behalf. My daughter still feels that the legal system made matters worse and prolonged his suffering. She wishes that she just not sent him. He never bothered taking her back to court. I'm sure lots of children are suffering in the same way as you and our little lad. Thanks for speaking outflowers

bikergran Wed 21-Jan-15 16:30:06

Kiora yes I know what you when GS said he didn't want to go to his dad the other week....DD said ok well ill give you phone and you can ring him and tell him, but GS said no "you do it" I don't want to, I think on one hand GS doesn't want asking "why did you not want to come last week" from his dad...and also in a silly sort of way GS doesn't want to hurt his dads feelings!

soontobe Wed 21-Jan-15 16:40:13

shabby. ooh I hope your name is not how you think of yourself.
I think it is a balancing act of how much and how often is best for children to see dads who behave as the dads on here.
I used to do volunteer work for several years with children who were fostered. Some of them were quite desperate to see more of their dads. While others were glad that they no longer had to.

bikergran. Is there any mileage for your daughter in saying to her ex, look,your son is sort of representing you, and see how you let him be dressed?

bikergran Wed 21-Jan-15 17:04:27

soontube no, no mileage whatsoever he wouldn't give a **. there is no reasoning with him when he is in one of his "moods".

ninathenana Wed 21-Jan-15 19:18:15

kitty yes spermie would use it as an excuse not to pay up too.