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Grandsons dad keeps all his clothes, and doesnt send them back

(60 Posts)
bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 15:27:55

both myself and DD have tried for years to somehow solve this problem but as yet have never been able too!
GS whos 8 goes to his dads on a Tuesday (straight from school so no prob as he is in his school uniform that is put back on when he takes him school Wednesday morn)
But every other weekend he goes to his dads again Friday around 5-30 until Sunday at 3) Over the yrs I have bought GS lovely clothes,playing out ones, smart ones, practical ones, but every time he goes to his dads in nice decent clothes he is returned in unsuitable too small naff fitting clothes!that have to be thrown away as their just too small and rubbish, GS has come home today in tight skinny fitting jeans that the poor lad could hardly sit down in (how he managed to get them on I do not know as we had to tug them off)they were pulling his tummy in so tight they left a mark! his dad has kept his new football trainers that I bought him for Christmas (which I couldn't really afford)
I stopped buying him clothes a long time ago as they just kept disappearing... he went to his dads in his playing out clothes on Friday, joggy bottoms, footy trainers etc..but has come back without them.
Its no use texting him or trying to reason with him as he is a cocky little *****!! has any gran/mum found a solution to this..other than sending him in his pyjamas (which he would no doubt keep as well) DD cannot afford to keep replacing clothes that he has kept. and GS won't dare say anything to his dad , wouldn't be so bad if he "paid ! a little towards with CSA but nope. he is very cunning his dad,,, we have just realised that we haven't been getting GS dinner money receipts, so we think GS dad has been keeping them and he is going to say that HE! has been paying his dinner money £11 a week to CSA! ,Im going to inform the school tomorrow about this, ok rant over ..thank you for listening.

Leticia Sun 18-Jan-15 15:34:34

Couldn't your DD pick him up on Sundays and stand on the doorstep saying she will take his luggage too?

Mishap Sun 18-Jan-15 15:40:31

Whatever is he doing with all his kit? - does it finish up on ebay or the nearest car boot?

Ana Sun 18-Jan-15 15:40:57

biker, I'm horrified!

Why do you think DD's ex does this? Is it just out of spite or does he sell the clothes on eBay?

The worst thing is that your poor GS must know it isn't right - you say he won't dare say anything to his dad so it sounds as though he's scared of him (or at least his anger).

Can't your DD ask her ex about the clothes and trainers? It sounds as though he's just enjoying getting away with it...sad

Anya Sun 18-Jan-15 15:44:10

bikergran I have an 8-year old GS, so I 'know' the age. Could you get your GS to simply wear the same clothes all weekend? Perhaps prime him to, when he gets undressed, to put the clothes he went in back into his overnight bag/case and fish them out to wear again on Saturday and Sunday?

That way they'll come back home and even if a bit grubby it will be better than the clothes yoh describe him coming back in. Perhaps a change of underwear though?

Having said that, when my 8-year old GS went to cub camp for 5 days his mother packed 5 pairs of underpants and when he returned he was wearing the same pair he went in and the clean ones hadn't been worn. Boys!

soontobe Sun 18-Jan-15 16:08:23

Do other belongings of your GS go missing too?

Kiora Sun 18-Jan-15 16:15:39

bikergran we had this problem with my daughters ex. It was really upsetting to both of us. He'd come back looking like a tramp and smelling worse because he'd wet the bed and been unable to wash. We soon learnt never to send him in his school uniform or good clothes. We scoured the charity shops and kept them for visits to his dad's He once forced the little lad stand on doorstep shivering on a cold icy winters day, because he wouldn't say to cafcass that he wanted to come and live with him. Why some parents use their children as ammunition to hurt their ex partners is beyond me. I hope things improve for you all.

whenim64 Sun 18-Jan-15 16:25:02

biker my DD's ex often does this - some sort of control game that only he plays. She asks for the clothes back and when she eventually gets them, they have not been laundered and have sometimes become too small to be worn again. The only thing that has worked so far is her requesting the items back when her new partner (of 14 months) is with her to pick up the children. She wouldn't do this at first, but their relationship is on a permanent footing now. Such a shame that a 6'3" bloke has to be present to prevent the ex playing these control games, though.

Katek Sun 18-Jan-15 17:18:03

My friend's SIL used to experience a clothes thing with his ex, the little chap would come for a weekend/week's holiday wearing too small, scruffy clothes. Dad would take him out and buy a new wardrobe including jackets/shoes but when he appeared the following fortnight he was wearing old scruffy clothes again. His dad was extremely conscientious and paid a substantial amount to the mother every month. What is it with the clothes thing? Are they purely taking advantage of the other parent or is it a control/power play?

glammanana Sun 18-Jan-15 17:58:40

biker He's doing it for a reaction and I would give him one too,arrive at the door as GS is due to come home and ask him for all the stuff he has got belonging to your little man,tell him you are running short of clothes and he wouldn't want his child to go around looking scruffy would he ? shame him into doing it then send little chap in clothes you can afford to miss for a few weeks,the charity shop idea is a good one try that,the mentality of some of these men amaze me your DD is well shut of him he sounds as though he is still trying to control things.

vampirequeen Sun 18-Jan-15 18:08:30

Are any agencies involved?

Your DD needs to send him a registered letter telling him in no uncertain terms that the child should return home in the clothes he arrives in.

FlicketyB Sun 18-Jan-15 19:00:12

Get a camera, one that puts a date and time on the photographs, photograph the child outside the house when he is dropped off and again when he is collected.

When you have enough photographs see a solicitor or send the evidence to cafcass if appropriate.

harrigran Sun 18-Jan-15 19:05:50

It isn't fair to make the child suffer, if he is taking clothes and not returning them I would have to question whether he is a fit parent. What next ? taking the food from his child's mouth.

Marelli Sun 18-Jan-15 19:22:36

The same thing happens when my great-grandson goes to his dad's every weekend, biker. It's not quite as bad now as it used to be, but I was finding that I was buying new jackets and wellingtons, etc almost every couple of weeks to help my grand-daughter out. The wee one would go to his dad's in his good clothes then come back in worn-out dirty things. When DGD phoned to ask where the clothes were, he said that they'd probably been left at his little cousin's house when he'd stayed the night there. The little cousin then ended up with the nice new clothes....angry. I told DGD if it kept happening, I would be going to her ex's house to get the clothes for myself. I haven't had to do that yet, but I would, if necessary. Maybe DD's mentioned that to him, I don't know!

janerowena Sun 18-Jan-15 19:33:59

I had the same problem with DD when she went back to her dad at weekends. I had to resort to sending her in second hand things, they were just about ok, and told her what I was doing so that she would tell him. I never did find out what was happening to her clothes. She said they were taken away to be washed.

The worst time was when I had just bought her a nice big long boucle-knit charcoal grey pullover, which was fashionable at the time. Ex's girlfriend stole it and wore it as a mini-jumper!

bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 21:27:00

oH heck! it seems this is a real problem for many..and yes he will be doing it out of spite,,he still has this hold over DD because of GS, we are just sick to death of loosing new /good clothes, GS dad has permanent partner but she can be a nasty *! as well when she gets on her high n mighty he doesn't sell the clothes he just keeps them so GS looks smart when he has him or if he takes him anywhere (very rare occasion) it seems by reading the post there isn't much of a solution, he even sent him back last year in some 5yrs old pyjama shorts!!! he does it to wind DD up he loves it! yes I think the charity shops may be the answer, thanks for all your advice and help, and if I do come up with a! solution I shall post...thanks all.

bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 21:32:09

when yes it is a control game your right.thats the whole thing "control " he loves!

bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 21:34:25

vamp no agencies involved.....

seasider Sun 18-Jan-15 21:56:33

The CSA will not take account of "dinner money" the ex pays unless it was in the period at the start of the claim before regular payments were established. I had same problem with ex but after a few years he gave up!

bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 22:10:33

aha didn't know that seaside but he will stoop low to make himself look good!

ginny Sun 18-Jan-15 22:35:33

Our DD doesn't have this problem in fact just the opposite. DGS goes and comes back in the same clothes because his Father only allows him to wear 'Labels'. He couldn't possibly take his son out in an Asda T-shirt or un named trainers !

ninathenana Mon 19-Jan-15 00:12:04

DD and I were only talking about this tonight. Fortunately her ex doesn't keep trainers and coats but he has got a hoodie that DGS got for Christmas and has never worn.
When she suggested he buy them a spare set of clothes his reply "I pay you to take care of my kids, why would I need to buy them clothes as well"
I just don't understand him.

vampirequeen Mon 19-Jan-15 06:41:27

How does the little boy go to his dad's? Does your DD drop him off? When our children go back to their mum's in 'our' clothes we insist they get changed straight away into mum's clothes because we found that if we left any we never saw them again.

kittylester Mon 19-Jan-15 06:45:16

Sorry to hear about this biker. What a twerp!

We don't have that problem but the Idiot refuses to buy bedding for the children's beds 'as they are not here for long enough!'. So, every time they stay with him they look as though they are homeless waifs and strays with all their belongings in big bags! angry

Anya Mon 19-Jan-15 09:40:52

Do keep 'before and after' photos biker - ie what he is sent in and what he returns in.