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Grandsons dad keeps all his clothes, and doesnt send them back

(61 Posts)
bikergran Sun 18-Jan-15 15:27:55

both myself and DD have tried for years to somehow solve this problem but as yet have never been able too!
GS whos 8 goes to his dads on a Tuesday (straight from school so no prob as he is in his school uniform that is put back on when he takes him school Wednesday morn)
But every other weekend he goes to his dads again Friday around 5-30 until Sunday at 3) Over the yrs I have bought GS lovely clothes,playing out ones, smart ones, practical ones, but every time he goes to his dads in nice decent clothes he is returned in unsuitable too small naff fitting clothes!that have to be thrown away as their just too small and rubbish, GS has come home today in tight skinny fitting jeans that the poor lad could hardly sit down in (how he managed to get them on I do not know as we had to tug them off)they were pulling his tummy in so tight they left a mark! his dad has kept his new football trainers that I bought him for Christmas (which I couldn't really afford)
I stopped buying him clothes a long time ago as they just kept disappearing... he went to his dads in his playing out clothes on Friday, joggy bottoms, footy trainers etc..but has come back without them.
Its no use texting him or trying to reason with him as he is a cocky little *****!! has any gran/mum found a solution to this..other than sending him in his pyjamas (which he would no doubt keep as well) DD cannot afford to keep replacing clothes that he has kept. and GS won't dare say anything to his dad , wouldn't be so bad if he "paid ! a little towards with CSA but nope. he is very cunning his dad,,, we have just realised that we haven't been getting GS dinner money receipts, so we think GS dad has been keeping them and he is going to say that HE! has been paying his dinner money £11 a week to CSA! ,Im going to inform the school tomorrow about this, ok rant over ..thank you for listening.

annodomini Wed 21-Jan-15 20:12:39

I would suggest that your daughter should see an adviser at CAB and possibly get a free interview with a family law solicitor if she can find one that offers this facility. You and she are being put to unnecessary expense by having to constantly replace items of clothing. Where is the father getting hold of all these unsuitable garments? An agreement for contact and maintenance, rubber-stamped by the court might make him think twice.

Iam64 Wed 21-Jan-15 20:25:29

Bikergran's post today at 16.32 sounds like the plan is to follow the sensible suggestions here and make sure the little boy goes to his dad's in 'playing out' clothes. It's a sad fact that some parent's use their children in order to upset their former partner. I think Bikergran is right when she says social workers probably have children in greater need than she feels her grandson is at present.
I agree a list of clothes should be kept but unless photographs can be taken in a fun way, that don't leave the little boy feeling caught between something over which he has no control, I'd try and avoid building 'evidence' unless it's a case of neglect. I do feel the way the dad is behaving is neglectful of the little boy's physical and emotional needs, he's playing games and ought to be ashamed of himself. From biker's posts, it doesn't sound as though reasoning with him would help though it may be worth mentioning the little boy won't be bringing new/expensive clothes or shoes because the cost of replacing them is too much.
Good luck bikergran, it's a rotten situation for you and your loved ones

Faye Wed 21-Jan-15 21:06:30

bikergran is it possible for your GS to only visit his father during the day but not stay overnight. I would say keeping his good clothes and sending him back in ill fitting clothes was enough for me to put a stop these games. If your daughter is working and for the times she needs the boy to be looked after by her ex, couldn't she just pick him up at the end of each day and drop him off the next day if need be?

It sounds like your GS doesn't really want to stay at his father's house most of the time, so not having to stay overnight might be a better alternative.

bikergran Wed 21-Jan-15 22:01:46

Iam64 you more or less have it in a nutshell, and your right the dad does play games as he always has done, its either that or he is just thick !to think anything of it, its a very delicate line we have to take when partners split up, I myself try to keep GS out of earshot and I don't want him to feel it is "his fault" which sometimes children do, it just gets frustrating at times, but we are learning to live with it and will be more "on the ball so to speak"

Faye it would make a lot more work for DD back and forth especially at holidays, as she would have to do every journey. GS doesn't always say he doesn't want o go, but now he is going on for 9 this year he loves to play out as DD with his mates, his dad is forever moving house so never makes friends, im sure that pretty soon he will eventually stop going.

anno DD doesn't' have the money for courts etc we have been down the CAB route for other things years ago, the courts can be long drawn out affairs, and goodness knows how much as DD is working, although on maternity at the mo. GS dad is very knifing, butter wouldn't melt in the mouth person, you know the sort! the ones that always!! comes up smelling of roses! doesn't matter what he does he comes out grinning.

I have acquired a bag of clothes that should suit, for "dads weekends" smile
thanks for all ideas everyone, hope it may have helped others.

FarNorth Thu 22-Jan-15 01:02:19

Kiora said this about her DGS :

My daughter used to ask him if he wanted to go to his dad's and he'd say yes. I eventually convinced her to tell our boy that he couldn't go anymore because he wasn't being looked after properly. The look of relief on his face was wonderful ................What he needed was for an adult to shoulder the blame and make the decision on his behalf.

It's worth thinking bikergran how your DGS is being affected by having these visits to his father who "tells lies" and takes his clothes away. It may not be worth making him endure them, for the sake of getting a bit of child-minding.

absent Thu 22-Jan-15 05:36:59

I am utterly astonished by the pettiness of this – not you bikergran but this ridiculous man. Of course it is hugely difficult with your grandson locked in the middle of this completely absurd behaviour, but it truly has to stop. I think he is using the silly, tiresome (and expensive) business as a power play. The time has come for someone to stand up to this bully. If you feel unable to do this yourself – and I appreciate why not – then perhaps there is someone else in the family or among close friends who might be willing to take on the task. Someone needs to make this man back down from his controlling behaviour.

bikergran Thu 22-Jan-15 08:23:16

oh there is many a person willing to !take this person on" but! as I say he has his back covered form all angles, GS does not say everytime that he doesn't want to go, example if there is family party going on he is there with bells on and also when he goes his dads he seese all his cousins as a lot of the time I think he ends up at the other Nanas, he also has a step sister whos 5 so there is a family environment for him, its just this clothes business which is something we have now put into place, there is no "getting one over on this person" believe me if there was we would have sorted it a long time ago. GS is now realisinmh his empty promises as he gets older, but yet he wont bad mouth his dad, Gs doesn't have any malice in him and I wouldn't want to force that upon him even though we all feel angry.We will see how plan B goes with the clothes and hopefully we wont be missing many more clothes. thanks again to all.

Nelliemoser Thu 22-Jan-15 08:54:29

Unfortunately I am not at all surprised by any of these stories. I have heard such tales many times.
Childrens sevices have no resources and would not address these issues unless actual abuse has occured at time, send the children in decent and inexpensive charity shop stuff. Not too many spares.

Once at work I had a call from a whinging ex father to suggest that his mum was not looking after the child properly because she sent the child with unironed clothes.

I feel sometimes think some ex partners would be happier if one palmed them off with the wide screen television and other such luxury goods rather than their child. All this spitefullness is very sad.

FlicketyB Thu 22-Jan-15 10:04:02

Could he be reported to the police, or could it be threatened, for theft?

Iam64 Thu 22-Jan-15 10:05:02

That's spot on Nelliemoser, like you, I've heard this kind of things many times. Children's services have been cut to the bone and I read this week that many of the contact centres, set up by charities, are having to close because of the impact of cuts by central government.

Some parents or grandparents will attempt to draw children's services into what are in the end, no more than spiteful unresolved arguments between separated parents. Of course, those parents are in the minority and don't include bikergran or her daughter, who are focussed on trying to do the best for their little boy. I know how difficult it is to protect children from the acrimony that often lingers after separation - I was a divorcee with a small child once myself. It isn't always easy to avoid conflict when a parent is behaving as badly as this father is but it's usually worth it for the sake of the child.