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AIBU never to forgive

(45 Posts)
vampirequeen Fri 06-Mar-15 15:29:14

Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been very ill.

This is a cross between a whinge and a needing advice post.

A while ago on another thread I said that I didn't have friends in the real world and recent events have reminded me why.

I allowed someone into my life. She seemed so nice and trustworthy. Although I kept my guard up eventually I let her into my world. She knew about my mental health problems, some of my past life and how fragile I can be. She worked her way into my life to the extent that I even trusted her enough to be a safe person I could leave the house with. I lent her money when she had to move which she has continued to pay back by posting in an envelope through the letter box. We helped her move and DH did a lot of little jobs around her house. She came here a lot. I fed her if it was across meal times and took care of her when she was ill. All the sorts of things you do with/for friends.

A month ago she betrayed me. I can't go into detail because I have still deal with it. Suffice to say it's unforgivable. I trusted her and she used everything she knew against me. It nearly destroyed me. If it hadn't been for DH I would have killed myself....I'm not being over dramatic just stating fact.

A couple of day ago she sent me a message out of the blue asking for DH to advise her about her car. He told me to send a message back saying her car had nothing to do with us. Last night another message arrived asking how I was. I replied that she wouldn't be surprised to know I was very ill. Her next message said that she wasn't well either. I didn't bother to reply. DH says I shouldn't reply to anything she sends.

Why would this woman who nearly killed me expect me to care how she is or feel the need to keep in contact with her?

I'm sorry to whinge but I'm confused and angry.

Anne58 Fri 06-Mar-15 15:32:10

Don't know what happened, but sorry to hear you so upset, and sorry that you've been unwell too. Rant & whinge all you like! flowers

Anya Fri 06-Mar-15 15:38:21

Sorry to hear your been unwell. Beware of the pain festering and making you worse.

If it was me I'd have it out with her, but then I understand you may not be able to do that. In that case your DH us right, simply cut her out of your life.

Write her name on a piece of paper and set it on fire. Flush the ashes down the loo and move on. She's not worth it.

soontobe Fri 06-Mar-15 15:38:25

Oh vampirequeen sad <hugs>

You are not whinging.

Can I ask how well you knew this woman before you let her into your life?

loopylou Fri 06-Mar-15 15:38:26

Oh vampirequeen how awful for your kindness to have been so abused. I'm so sorry to hear you're poorly and hope you'll feel better soon.
Rant away (((hugs))) and love x

janerowena Fri 06-Mar-15 15:40:21

All I can say is, what one person thinks of as unforgivable, can be considered as a small misdemeanour by another. One of my sisters upset another deeply. When I found out what the problem was I was astonished that such an unimportant thing (to me and the other sister) could have upset her so much. But the fact is - it did. It caused her to move away, and was the cause of all sorts of repercussions. If it had been me on the receiving end I would have gone round and yelled a bit, maybe been in a strop for a month and then thought, sod it, she's my sister. But two years on she's still not talking to my sister and has blocked her emails and calls.

I don't know what she's done to you, but have you asked her why? At the very least, you will get it off your chest, and she will realise there are boundaries she cannot cross.

Mishap Fri 06-Mar-15 15:44:22

When you are dealing with a mental health problem it is very difficult to know who to trust with information. You made a mistake with this lady, but do not beat yourself up about it. Be thankful that you have the support of your DH; and that you have come through.

The way forward for you is to put it behind you - if you dwell on it, it will eat away at you and compound your problems - no-one wants that.

There are and will be trustworthy people out there whom you can befriend - do not let one lot of burnt fingers put you off.

We have all been let down by people. You are not alone in this. Often it turns out that those people have problems of their own.

Take courage and move on as best you may. flowers

annsixty Fri 06-Mar-15 15:49:28

So sorry vq you must be feeling utterley bewilded. You should take your DH's advice and ignore her. She must have a split personality just to get in touch as though nothing has happened.Just cut her out of your life. The sad thing is it will make you wary of everyone and you may miss out on good people who could help you and be a friend.

Eloethan Fri 06-Mar-15 16:10:09

I'm sorry you are feeling so distressed at the moment vampirequeen.

It is probably not a good idea to become too trusting of someone you have known for only a short time. I expect most of us have had the experience of thinking someone is really nice and then finding out they are not. I have found that people who initially seem especially confident, sociable and popular can sometimes also be very insensitive to other people's feelings.

I hope you can put this horrible experience behind you.

FlicketyB Fri 06-Mar-15 16:12:34

Vampirequeen , It must be dreadful, when someone you know and trusted - and who knew your fragility - lets you down like this.

You do not give details, which is understandable, but whatever she did do you think it is because she is one of those insensitive people, who is completely unaware that betraying confidences or whatever, deeply distresses people? Or did she do it with malice aforethought. If the first, it would explain her subsequent behaviour. If the second her further behaviour is doubly offensive.

I share janerowena's experience. My relationship with my youngest sister was fraught with problems for over 40 years. With the deaths of both parents and younger sister, we have talked more and I discovered the cause of the problems was nothing to do with me. I was being punished because, as a child, she had misinterpreted our parents behaviour to her older sisters compared with her (she is quite a bit younger). I hasten to add we had loving parents who treated us all equally. Our relationship is now much more relaxed, but I am sad that there were such problems in our relationship for so long for reasons that could have been discussed and sorted so long ago.

aggie Fri 06-Mar-15 16:14:16

Keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

aggie Fri 06-Mar-15 16:15:53

Have you a Blocking thingy on your phone ?

Lona Fri 06-Mar-15 16:39:22

vampire I am sorry that you've been so ill and I do hope that you're feeling a bit stronger now flowers
I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone that you trust, and I would be inclined to ignore her until you are feeling better and more able to cope with your feelings of anger and hurt.
It could easily set you back and she really isn't worth that.

Mishap Fri 06-Mar-15 16:49:46

You ask about never forgiving. It may be hard to forgive (but sometimes it can be therapeutic) but your aim should be to forget - to put it behind you as one of life's less pleasant experiences. There are good'uns out there, truly. It's that old saying about kissing a few frogs!

rosequartz Fri 06-Mar-15 16:51:28

vq flowers

I hope your terrible experience with this person does not destroy your trust in people altogether.

If you feel unable to forgive her it would be better to try to move on and have no more to do with her at all.

harrigran Fri 06-Mar-15 16:57:40

Sorry you have been unwell vampire. It is a sad fact that there are some people who will use others for their own ends. I think it would be unwise to enter into any conversation with this person, sever contact and move on flowers

Nonnie Fri 06-Mar-15 16:59:42

VQ I am sorry this has happened to you but you must accept that you did the right thing in helping her and that the problem is hers not yours. I have been hurt in small and, in one case, a big way but I do not want to turn into one of those suspicious people who never trusts anyone. I will continue to put myself out there and if I get hurt again so be it. I will not change my personality as a result of another nasty person.

I know people who are complete takers and this person sounds just like one. Some of them I like in spite of it and some I just avoid. You can do the same if you get yourself into the right mindset. I know how hard it is but give it time and you will get there.

IMO you have two choices, depending on your personality; you can storm in and have it out with her or you can completely cut her out of your life. Whichever suits you best.

I like Anya's suggestion about burning the paper.

Good luck whatever you decide. flowers

grannyactivist Fri 06-Mar-15 17:07:16

Forgiveness often helps the person who has been hurt, but that doesn't mean that the person who has done the hurting shouldn't bear the consequences. In your case Vampire I would chalk it up to experience and then try to move on. I would text (or ask your husband to text) and say that in light of past events you don't want to continue with the relationship and ask her not to make contact again. Ignore any further contacts.
On a happier note, it was a really horrid situation and you got through it; maybe by the skin of your teeth, but here you are and getting stronger. Well done! smile flowers
(Whinge away - we're listening.)

kittylester Fri 06-Mar-15 17:14:36

Lots of good advice on here vampirequeen so all I would say is rant away on here and have another huge (((hug))).

absent Fri 06-Mar-15 21:34:40

Good to have you back VPQ and I hope you are feeling better and stronger every day. You may or may not feel like forgiving this false friend as time goes on and only you will know when, if ever. Dwelling on her betrayal, however, is horribly inward turning and damaging, so better, if possible, to dwell on the good things in your life. From reading some of your posts in the past, it is clear that you do have the strength to overcome setbacks but, like most of us, you need some recovery time.

rubylady Fri 06-Mar-15 22:35:59

Dear vampirequeen I know the mindset when you talk about suicide but on clearer thinking, no-one is worth it, no-one. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What is our saying on GN? This too will pass.

I feel for you and understand entirely when you are talking about someone betraying your trust in this way. You have let her in and told her about personal stuff only for her to throw it back in your face which is abysmal behaviour. You probably have questioned your own judgement on trusting this woman and thought that you had it right when you were providing meals for her and your OH doing jobs for her. You thought that she was a trustworthy person. But you were proved wrong.

I know how you feel because I moved house last October. I had lived in the last area for 35 years and had some friends/acquaintances come and go in that time, some still around as I left. But I left without saying anything to anyone. One "friend" who had been a friend for over 20 years used to hide in the kitchen with her children occasionally when I called. Not all the time, other times she would invite me in, have coffee, share experiences, problems and confidences but to be ignored when you know she is in is awful and not just the once neither. So I didn't tell her I was going. My next door neighbour, after knowing me for 13 years, got me wine and nutty chocolates for my last (50th) birthday, I don't drink and I'm allergic to nuts. Not just that but she was having an affair with a married man, had been for over 20 years. She did not care one bit for the wife, wanted him to leave her. It showed me a different side to her I didn't like. I didn't tell her I was leaving.

I didn't tell anyone, we just left. I have since been in my new house, feeling like I have been recovering from having these people in my life.(And some more personal stuff too.) I'm not concerned about them, just their behaviour has left me a bit raw and I am taking time out to get better from it before I go out and find new friends in this area. I will try to be a little bit wary though but like Nonnie said, I will not change myself just because others act strange at times. I have had some great friends in my life, they have come and gone just like I have in theirs but there will be others, ones I can trust and get along with and others who will be two faced and need to be dumped.

You take some time out to get over this, look after yourself but please do not ever think of ending it all for anyone. Life is precious. Get plenty of hugs off your OH and pamper yourself a bit and come on here and then we know that you are ok. You will get over this, it just takes time. I would either change my phone or number, just ignore her. She isn't worth giving an explanation to. Concentrate on you. Be strong, you are a valuable person and much loved by the ones around you. X

newist Fri 06-Mar-15 23:04:51

I so miss your 4 line poems, How about doing one X

annodomini Fri 06-Mar-15 23:11:05

Dear vq. I realise how fragile you are and have been. You would do yourself no good at all by going anywhere near or having anything to do with this person. Your husband is right and he must know you better than any of us do. Please block her phone calls if you have that facility, ignore any communications from her and, if necessary, let your husband deal with her. Do come and vent to us if you feel the need. Anonymity is an advantage among us. flowers

Tegan Fri 06-Mar-15 23:36:49

You're hurting because you're the sort of person who wouldn't inflict that sort of pain on someone else and can't understand how they can do such awful things. Which means that you are above such behaviour and therefore you must try not to let that behaviour hurt you because you DON'T deserve it. Hug and flowers.

gillybob Sat 07-Mar-15 08:14:16

So sorry to hear you have been so poorly vampirequeen. You have obviously been betrayed very badly by someone who you trusted and from what I can gather from you post "she" seems oblivious to the hurt and upset she has caused you. Why else would she send the message asking advice about the car and asking how you are etc. is it possible that she really doesn't know/understand that whatever she has done has effected you so badly? Is it too late to talk it through?

I do hope you are feeling stronger and send you very best wishes. flowers