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AIBU never to forgive

(46 Posts)
vampirequeen Fri 06-Mar-15 15:29:14

Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been very ill.

This is a cross between a whinge and a needing advice post.

A while ago on another thread I said that I didn't have friends in the real world and recent events have reminded me why.

I allowed someone into my life. She seemed so nice and trustworthy. Although I kept my guard up eventually I let her into my world. She knew about my mental health problems, some of my past life and how fragile I can be. She worked her way into my life to the extent that I even trusted her enough to be a safe person I could leave the house with. I lent her money when she had to move which she has continued to pay back by posting in an envelope through the letter box. We helped her move and DH did a lot of little jobs around her house. She came here a lot. I fed her if it was across meal times and took care of her when she was ill. All the sorts of things you do with/for friends.

A month ago she betrayed me. I can't go into detail because I have still deal with it. Suffice to say it's unforgivable. I trusted her and she used everything she knew against me. It nearly destroyed me. If it hadn't been for DH I would have killed myself....I'm not being over dramatic just stating fact.

A couple of day ago she sent me a message out of the blue asking for DH to advise her about her car. He told me to send a message back saying her car had nothing to do with us. Last night another message arrived asking how I was. I replied that she wouldn't be surprised to know I was very ill. Her next message said that she wasn't well either. I didn't bother to reply. DH says I shouldn't reply to anything she sends.

Why would this woman who nearly killed me expect me to care how she is or feel the need to keep in contact with her?

I'm sorry to whinge but I'm confused and angry.

vampirequeen Sat 07-Mar-15 20:00:58

How can you pretend to be someone's friend, betray them in the most horrendous fashion and then expect everything to be hunky dory after a couple of weeks? She knows what she did and how it affected me but she doesn't seem to understand that I have no wish to ever see or be contacted by her again.

rosequartz Sat 07-Mar-15 20:12:05

She either has a personality disorder or she is very very manipulative, vq

Deep breaths, calm, yoga and tell yourself it is her that has a problem, not you, you are kind and lovely.


loopylou Sat 07-Mar-15 20:39:07

vamp you are kind, thoughtful and generous.
This 'friend' has not only taken advantage of you, but done that at a time when life was not easy, and has abused your generosity; sadly there are people for whom that behaviour is normal and they are toxic but luckily few.
You are not at fault and you feel very bruised and battered -it will pass but takes time.
Be kind to yourself, and I hope you start feeling better soon (((hugs))) and flowers x

Mishap Sat 07-Mar-15 21:03:40

Just keep your distance vq - you do not need this person in your life and are better of without her. Just now you need to stick with the people who are genuine - your family. And your friends here on Gransnet. Just ignore her messages and opt for a peaceful life.

Deedaa Sat 07-Mar-15 21:20:51

I am so sorry that you have been so ill vampire What a horrible experience and what a vile woman. Refuse anymore contact with her and cut her right out of your life. You are worth so much more. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that you are one of my favourite people on Gransnet and I worry about you if we don't hear from you for a while. There are nice people around still, but sadly this lady wasn't one of them. flowers

soontobe Sat 07-Mar-15 21:21:35

Would she be hurt if you had done it to her do you think?

Ana Sat 07-Mar-15 21:24:44

Perhaps write to her and set out your reasons for wanting to break contact with her?

If she doesn't realise how badly her actions have hurt you it would at least set her straight and may make her think about her behaviour.

Or just write the letter and rip it up! I know how these things can rankle, but your health has to come first.

Deedaa Sun 08-Mar-15 21:14:01

Writing a letter to her setting out exactly how you feel and then burning it is supposed to be a good way of moving on.

Mishap Sun 08-Mar-15 21:15:38

How are you doing vq? - it would be good to hear from you.

Ariadne Sun 08-Mar-15 21:54:02

VQ I am so sorry that you have been ill and been so hurt. I can only echo what everyone else has said, and I hope you find some comfort in that. It is, by the way, good to see you back. Sending a little sunshine

vampirequeen Fri 13-Mar-15 08:33:28

Thank you everyone. I'm trying to drag out of it. Unfortunately it has reinforced in me why I avoid the real world. Hey ho. I'm happy with my virtual friends smile

Anya Fri 13-Mar-15 08:50:12

Have you read the thread / blog on toxic friends?

Mishap Fri 13-Mar-15 10:00:24

I do hope vq that you will surface from this setback and find a way to be out in the world again. Don't let one strange person stop you - it is her problem and not yours. Look after yourself. flowers

Anya Fri 13-Mar-15 10:32:12

This isn't meant unkindly VP so please don't take it as such.

If you are housebound, as I know you are unless taken out, then hurtful things can fester so much more. You have more time to think about them and worry away at the hurt and pain.

The 'real world' is not a bad place. Even if you don't feel able to interact with other people easily outside your own home, there are other things that might give you pleasure and take your mind off this present hurt.

Perhaps your DH could take you somewhere that would lift your mood? It may sound trite to suggest you 'get out more' and I understand you won't go by yourself, but the basic concept about broadening your horizons is a good one sunshine

Nelliemoser Fri 13-Mar-15 11:56:45

VQ I agree with all the advice below so just sending a big (((hug))). You have not been your usual funny self for a while. Take care flowers sunshine

Mishap Fri 13-Mar-15 13:37:50

This experience has just reinforced your perception that the real world is a scary place; and it would be huge shame if this curtailed your life even more.

Have you tried CBT vq? - it might really help you - it is designed for just these sort of situations. It may be that this very negative experience could be the impetus for positive change; a catalyst that can encourage you to try a new treatment. It would be one in the eye for this lady who has hurt you so.

CBT can help to stop you brooding on it, which is inevitable if you are are home all the time as Anya says.

We are all rooting for you.

TriciaF Fri 13-Mar-15 14:18:46

Hope you're getting over the hurt feelings slowly, VQ.
I don't know what your mental health problems are, but try to take positive action - as Mishap suggests, CBT, or some kind of group therapy. You need to learn to trust some people in the real world.
I had mental health problems at one time, due to overwork, family problems etc, and group therapy was my lifeline. I found out how others were suffering too, and got a lot of support.
Time is a great healer.

vampirequeen Fri 13-Mar-15 17:00:37

My mental health team only offer DBT and I failed to get through the assessment for that.

We're going away in the caravan at Easter. For some reason my anxiety levels drop when we're on a very small campsite in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should become a hermit (well as long as I can have internet access lol).

Mishap Fri 13-Mar-15 17:24:57

Mine only offer CBT! - it is dreadful that each authority picks a therapy (probably the one that seems most cost-effective) and confines themselves to this one-size-fits-all approach. So many people slip through the net. It really is not good enough that you are so unwell but there is nothing on offer for you. You do need to go back and squeak at them a bit - and I know you should not be in this position and do not really feel well enough to do that, but it may be the only way forward.

I am delighted that you are able to enjoy caravanning on a small site and hope that Easter will bring the sort of weather that means you can sit outside with a cup of tea and enjoy the outdoors.

TriciaF Fri 13-Mar-15 17:25:23

I know what you mean, "in the middle of nowhere" - that's where we are.
Sounds as if you have a wonderful husband!