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(32 Posts)
Lynker Thu 14-May-15 16:05:04

AIBU to ask my son and his wife if they plan to have children? They have been together 13 years (Married for 2). I am concerned that time is passing, but probably more concerned about 'putting my foot in it!'. I know it's not really any of my business, but I also know that my son has said in the past that he wants children and I fear that my DIL might be stalling. Any thoughts ladies?

tanith Thu 14-May-15 16:11:38

I'd be inclined to ask my son in private rather than asking them both and risk upsetting his wife if the answer isn't what you want to hear.. can you not just bring it up in conversation when you are on your own with him but put in such a way as to be just a query, "do you think you and * will have a family one day", hopefully he won't feel you are putting on the pressure...

PRINTMISS Thu 14-May-15 16:24:31

Personally, I would keep quiet about the whole thing. What will you do if he says 'no, we are not planning to have a family'? What if they are trying really hard and are desperately unhappy that things are not going right for them? Perhaps there are problems about which you know nothing, and they do not want you to either know, or worry about. If they are planning to have a family, and everything is working(?) then it will happen in their time, and when they are content with it. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but we had one or two remarks about the amount of time we took to start a family, and I had to hold my tongue on several occasions. My daughter and son-in-law were married for 15 years before their son arrived - it was their choice.

Grannyknot Thu 14-May-15 16:31:18

I asked my daughter (been together for 8 years, married for one) this very question and she told me to butt out and mind my own business. Then she banned me from ever raising it again unless she did (we get on well, enough to straight talk to each other). One of the things she said was "How do you know we haven't been trying for ages with no luck, so it's a very sensitive subject?" Another thing she said was "Do you think you're the only one asking me that very personal question?" which I hadn't thought about.

I'd keep quiet. flowers

Greenfinch Thu 14-May-15 17:08:11

I agree with PRINTMISS and Grannyknot. If they had wanted the subject discussed they would have brought it up themselves long since. They are the ones who must take the initiative .Wait patiently.

GrannyTwice Thu 14-May-15 17:08:11

YABVVVVU -and here we go again, suggesting it's the DIL. Goodness. Bad idea to ask son in private - he'll tell her and you'll come across as going behind her back. shock

Iam64 Thu 14-May-15 17:30:33

Don't ask, it isn't any of your business frankly. If they want to discuss it with you, they will, otherwise keep out of it.

Mishap Thu 14-May-15 18:08:21

Indeed - not a word! Just don't ask.

If they are trying without success, they don't need the question. Leave them be.

ginny Thu 14-May-15 18:45:56

I agree, don't ask.

rosequartz Thu 14-May-15 18:48:33

A close relative used to ask me if we had 'found the recipe yet'?
It was quite upsetting although I never said so.

AshTree Thu 14-May-15 19:01:03

No, please do not ask. It really isn't your business, sorry. What do you hope to gain by asking, anyway? You say you fear your DiL may be stalling. If you manage to establish this to be the case (though heaven knows how you'd couch your questions to confirm that suspicion!), what would your next step be? You can't seriously imagine you could have a cosy little chat with her to chivvy her along?
If they plan on having a family, you will find out in due course! If they have been trying without success, they would not welcome your questions, no matter how gently you ask.
Keep quiet, let them come to you if there's anything they want to tell you or talk about. I know it's hard, but it's time for you to stand back now - your son is making his life with his wife and it's not your place to involve yourself in such a personal and possibly sensitive area of their lives.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 14-May-15 19:23:59

Oh, I would ask! Just come out with something like, "So, we gonna get round to some grandkids soon? smile" That would be ok.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 14-May-15 19:25:16

Are families really this stand-off-ish to each other these days? confused

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 14-May-15 19:26:37

I wouldn't hold it against the d-i-l though, ifshe doesn't want a family. That's up to her - and him. #noblame

loopylou Thu 14-May-15 19:28:03

DS and DDIL together 14 years and now married for 7 - now have a 20 mth old DGS but I never, never, ever asked or even hinted!

None of my business!

aggie Thu 14-May-15 19:29:27

What do you mean ... stand-off-ish !! what's wrong with respect and consideration for their privacy and feelings

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 14-May-15 19:30:23

I suppose I mean, not talking freely with each other.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 14-May-15 19:31:26

I think my post of 19:26:37 covered the respect bit. If you bothered to read it.

KatyK Thu 14-May-15 20:21:20

Speaking personally jingl - I talk freely with my DH and my sisters
but for some reason I can't seem to do this with my daughter. It's not stand-offish exactly but I am very aware of not being seen as interfering so I don't say anything at all unless asked for my advice. When I have spoken up in the past when I have been unhappy about something, it hasn't gone down well so now I keep quiet and agree with more or less everything she says as I am afraid of a rift. Yes I know, it's pathetic but that's how it is.

Lynker Thu 14-May-15 23:12:00

Thank you ladies....I think that I knew what your advice would be, which is why I haven't said anything. I sometimes wonder if they are 'trying' but their lifestyle suggests otherwise. I just don't want them to 'miss the boat' if you see what I mean....but given that they are both educated people, I can only assume that they know the score and therefore I will continue to avoid the subject until they raise it......or not. Thank you for your the way, both my husband and daughter think I should ask them.

Anne58 Fri 15-May-15 00:23:01

To be blunt, what they do or do not do in any part of their relationship is none of your business.

Judthepud2 Fri 15-May-15 01:21:55

shock Oh no no no no! Don't ask! Too sensitive a subject. If they are having problems that could be very painful for them. And if they don't want any children at the moment, that is their business. If they wanted you to be involved, I'm sure they would raise it.

ginny Fri 15-May-15 08:54:21

Jings. I have a very good relationship with my 3 DDs and we talk freely. However I would not dream of being so blunt on this sort of topic.

Lynker I wonder why your DH and DD think you should ask . If they want to know it's up to them to ask . I expect they actually feel in would not be the right thing to do and would rather they did not get the 'flack' for being so nosy.

Lynker Fri 15-May-15 14:34:17 could be right. I think that Judthepud2 has summed it up...thanks Jud! I will bide my time and see what happens (if anything!!). ....I think that I already knew it was not the right thing to do, but it's reassuring to have it confirmed! Thanks again ladies for your expert advice.

Smileless2012 Fri 15-May-15 15:31:58

My thoughts exactly ginny. You've made the right decision Lynker and I hope that one day you'll get the announcement you're hoping for.