Have I got a choice?

OMG Janerowena - do people REALLy comment about grease on their DIL's cooker (or similar?) Jeepers, this woman has known me for five years and I have never made comments - just not me and so far off track. This has all come about since my spell in hospital and hand on heart neither I, nor DH or son have a clue where it's come from. All I can say is that she had a screaming fit at us one day last year when we rang the doorbell instead of knocking! Hard to believe but it seemed to be a major issue, almost like she wanted an excuse to have a go. If it wasn't for us overlooking her rudeness and shouting, I think our relationship with her would have died a long time ago. Is it wrong to want a reasonable uncomplicated relationship within a small family, as we are??

Harrigran - no chance I would turn up at the house and expect to stay!!! That would be weird as we have our own house in the same town and I have a lovely DH of 40 years who has looked after me wonderfully since I came out of hospital. I made DH laugh when I read out your post...

Do you see it as 'his' house and not 'thiers?' He has lived there for 10 years and she moved in 3 years ago. None of that needed mentioning. If you've said anything along those lines she might of took offence?
something has obviously happened for her not to want to spend time with you one on one.

If her DS is clingy and she's trying to get on with work there is no way she will get anything done if he knows she's there.

You wanted to see him to help out, she's offered it and it's not what you wanted.

I think it's sad she hasn't told her husband what's happened to change her behaviour. It might be the house is a mess. It might be she will get no work done.

If your DGS is 18 months now and you have been ill say 6 months, he was only 12 months when you would visit. That is a big gap. They are 2 different ages. He is a toddler now and not a baby. He will of changed a lot!

You're seeing your son and your DGS, just go with it for now.

*their's. Sorry this stupid phone

Thanks again for all your comments. Do you know I am almost 'scared' not to agree to DIL's terms unless she kicks off as she has done before (see above) I am no shrinking violet but I have always trod carefully since DGS was born as I was aware it could be a minefield.

Merlotgran - thank you! I was beginning to feel like I was an ogre of a mother in law who's DIL had sidelined her due to her nasty behaviour.
You have no idea how many hoops we have jumped through and how much rudeness DH and I have endured for the sake of maintaining the status quo. When I was in intensive care DS invited DH round for a takeaway meal after he returned from the hospital and DIL virtually ignored him. Who behaves like that?! DH said he couldn't wait to eat his meal and leave. Apparently DS was very embarassed and spoke to her later but she said he was being over sensitive about his dad. That's what we are dealing with. And yet I live in hope of getting back on track. What kind of fool am I??

Far North. I often compliment DIL on what a lovely son they have and what a credit he is to her. I am just so tired of all this. I have thought of suggesting that we collect DGS from the house and take him in buggy to a swing park very near where they live. It is actually more pleasant than the town park where some dubious characters hang around. In fact there are many open green spaces within a short walk from their house. At least if it rained or he got irritable we could get him home relatively quickly instead of ringing her to pick him up. We don't have a car seat so we couldn't drive him home. We once broached the subject as we thought it would be nice to take him out occasionally, but the idea was rejected out of hand. We both have clean licences and drive responsibly . We never pursued that one.

Red headed Mommy. I got ill at the end of March. Been home since mid May. I didn't see DGS for six weeks and he had changed of course , but he remembered me. DS is brilliant bringing him round and he makes a special effort to do so. I count myself lucky to have such a thoughtful son.

Then there you go
Aslong as you are seeing them both there is no need to worry about the relationship with your DIL.

I should have put all my thoughts in one post but I have been out for a meal with friends and did so much talking that I am completely kn***ered and am now in bed but I wanted to respond.
One comment suggested agreeing to DIL's suggestion so that we could reach a 'truce'. Good grief what have I done??? I became ill.

Redheaded Mommy. We all need to concern ourselves with family relationships and try to maintain amicable rekationships. In particular, small families need to get on. We never know when we will need each other - and I should add that DIL has called on us several times when she's needed someone to watch DGS when she had to go out. By sidelining us she can make life difficult for everyone involved but she doesn't seem to care , at the moment,,,,

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but it's coming over strongly that you don't like your DiL. If she has been treating you like this then I can understand your dislike, after all if you keep trying and get nothing back and feel she is cutting you both out, I'd probably be the same.

But, you still are lucky enough to have a good relationship with your son. And you can still see your little GS. So take what's on offer for the moment.

There are grandparents on this forum who have been completely cut out of their children's and grandchildren's lives but happily you are not in that position.

You say that you were very ill and could have died. I'm wondering how it affected your son. My husband never seemed overly fond of his mum but, when she died suddenly he was distraught and became very angry; seemed to blame me in some way. Perhaps your DIL saw a different side to him, or maybe feels jealous in some way of how much you mean to him. We sometimes forget that our sons and daughters are [even though they're now adults and parents] are still learning about life and relationships. Also, you say she sees her mother a lot; maybe her mum takes up more time than she wants and she's then playing catchup with her housework and it's easier to not see you than her mother. Things aren't always that rosy between mums and daughters.

As your DS doesn't quite understand why she is behaving like this is it possible that she is depressed and this is making her act irrationally? It sounds as if something isn't quite right. Sadly I have no suggestions about what you can do about it.

I agree that OP has little choice but to meet DIL at the park and I would do this if it's what it takes to be able to spend time with dgs. But would be concerned about cold and wet winter time in the park. Hopefully matters may improve before then.

However, I would be boiling mad inside at DIL. Such a pity that DIL cannot talk about whatever it is that is that is making a problem. Sounds to me like DIL is of a difficult nature and DS probably has his hands full.

I agree with Deedaa that DILs emotional health sounds unsteady.

But you're pushing for a relationship that isn't there. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Neither of you seem to do anything right to each other.

By all means be there for your GS and your son, be there if they need you and continue being a good nan.

Keep contact minimal towards your DIL. Be civil and keep conversations short. Just because she's your DIL doesn't mean you have to like each other.

Red headed Mommy. Don't mean to be rude but do you have grandchildren? Or a DIL?

I'm neither, why?

You're seeing your GS weekly and you have a fantastic relationship with your son. You're pushing for a relationship when there is no need to. It's making you upset so leave it alone.

Louisamay, I wish you a speedy return to full recovery. Illness is very debilitating. The toddler will need lifting on and off swings and helped up slides, with a lot of chasing after in between. I think nearly two hours of that is far too long. Yes, you could feed the ducks if there is a lake, or amble along with the buggy, but would you not feel happier to have him in your own home ? That could include a stroll in your area, and lots of time for mutual bonding, looking at picture books, and just relaxing together, I don't know whether a trip to you would be further than to the park, but with unpredictable weather I think I'd rather spend the time at home, with the option of the garden and a walk that you would feel able to do. If this really is not possible, then park it is, but not for all of the allotted time. Some walking around pointing things out would be interesting for him and therapeutic for you. Best of luck and continued improvement in health.

Thoughtful post Tegan! DH tells me DS was very upset when he saw me in the ICU as it was all so sudden. And yes , DIL could well have been jealous. My DH loves his old mum to bits and I'm all for it. Shows he is a kind and caring man. DIL sees a lot of her Mum and has often said she wished she lived nearer, so I don't think she doesn't want to spend time with her. Quite the contrary.

The catalyst for this change seems to have been your illness. Has it perhaps triggered fears of dil's own mortality? Does she have any issues around illness? Fear of what the future might have held for her if you hadn't recovered...ie supporting your dh? Perhaps shooting the trigger(you) for these feelings is easier than dealing with them? Just casting around for more possible explanations, sorry I'm not being more helpful. I'd take what's on offer at the moment though until you feel stronger, but perhaps with a change of venue if possible. The dreaded soft play ( the noise!!!) might be a good alternative, lots to play with, not much running about and usually a cuppa and choccie bic to be had! Surely your dil can accept an alternative venue? Blame the weather, say it will be drier/warmer/cooler/more comfortable for dgs.

Hope you continue to make good progress with your health.

Reading between the lines I can see what the problem is.

Just caught up. I thinkTegan has a good point. Your DS must have been worried sick when you were so very ill, and, with a boisterous, tiring toddler and possibly lack of sleep, your DiL may be surcoming to feelings she herself may not be happy with or understand and may be wishing to push them under the carpet by distancing herself. I think there may be undercurrents here that you, and possibly your DS, know nothing of - or it could simply be that she wants you to run him in the park and tire him out and that's his favourite park!

Whatever! (as they now say!) You have to work with what you have. You are obviously not happy with the meeting at that park arrangement and I agree. You are convalescing. You can't be stranded with a toddler in a park 15 minutes drive away from his home and mum when you can't drive him. You say it's not the best of parks anyway, so there's your excuse to go back and say something along the lines of yes, excellent idea ... But - you're not comfortable with that park can it be one closer to his home 'just in case' (rain etc) or better still can she drop him off at your house ('no need to come in I know you're busy - and if you give me a ring as you leave I'll have him ready for when you get here'). When can he come? And suggest a date. Be positive, stick to the times she suggested and don't give her wriggle room. If she says she can't do the date you suggest have other dates ready.

She's probably right in suggesting a short time with your DGS, you will get very tired. So suggesting a nearer park to her or your house would be much more practical. Hopefully, after a few meetings she'll stay and chat for a bit, then maybe coffee!

You have my sympathy Louisamay.

I have been cast aside by my son and wife since I became ill and had spinal surgery. The hurt is so great, I moved here 6 years ago to help them with childcare and have been close to my DGD who is 8 now since she was a few months old, but now I am no longer needed.

The maternal gm is in the picture at all times and I am not include6d in any family get togethers. I started off with a meeting at the park but now I never see her. So I can understand how you feel.

That is such a shame, chrcol. .