Have I got a choice?

You have my sympathy Louisamay.

I was cast aside by my son and wife since I had spinal surgery last year. I moved here 6 yrs ago to help with childcare and had a wonderful happy relationship with my 8 yr old dgd!. Now I am not wanted in any family get togethers or allowed to see my dgd at all. The meeting in the park I had as well and it led to this. Hope you will fare better.

Being ill often appears a portent of dependency to come. I have needed a huge amount of help from all my DDs whilst recovering from several health problems recently and it felt to me as though I was getting a glimpse of what might be to come, in terms of being the "looked-after" rather than the "looker-after" and it felt quite strange.

I wonder if your illness has demonstrated to DIL how much your DS cares for you and she is thinking how much time and attention you might get, should you become unwell again (or just older - as you certainly will!). Maybe she is simply jealous, and is wielding power with the best weapon she has - her child.

Families are complex things and I doubt you will ever know what is behind this - it need not be anything you have done or have failed to do, but could be reflective of your DIL's own insecurities.

I really do not think you have any choice but to go with the flow and play by her rules, and hope that the dust will gradually settle.

I am beginning to feel glad that all my offspring are female!

I think Luckygirl has got it right.

I totally agree Stansgran!!

We have noticed that DIL's father, an educated man, will belittle and patronise his elderly mother in front of everyone at birthday/Christmas get togethers. DH and I find this embarrassing. She is an articulate and witty lady in her late 80's. DH and I tend to over compensate by engaging her a lot in conversation, much to the apparent disapproval of her son who would much rather we ignore her altogether.
Maybe DIL's behaviour was learned rather than acquired.

Louisamay, I'm sorry if my post didn't appear sympathetic because I meant it to be. I was trying to give suggestions of things you could do where perhaps you could rest as well as play. I hope you didn't take it the wrong way. If it came across wrong, I really apologise

Vampirequeen.
I had no problem with your post so don't be concerned. Posts that irritate are ones where the poster clearly hasn't properly read my original post but makes totally irrelevant negative comments.

Chrcol
I am so sorry for you predicament. People can be very cruel. When I hear of situations like this it makes me truly wish that Karma exists.

I haven't read the whole of this thread but my initial reaction is that the first page seems to be rather critical of louisemay who doesn't appear to have done anything to deserve the "cold shoulder". I can quite understand why she is upset.

It seems a bit of a mystery to me. Do you think something might have happened while you were in hospital louisemay that upset her? Have you racked your brains to consider whether there is possibly something you (or your partner, if you have a partner) have, perhaps inadvertently, done or said to upset her?

I agree with those that say for the time being it might be best, if at all possible, to go along with the arrangement she suggests. I would be very tempted to ask her at some point whether you have upset her in any way because you have noticed that she seems annoyed with you. This, of course, runs the risk of inflaming the situation more so it's something you would have to think about very carefully because you don't want to find yourself excluded from your grand child's life.

I think the DIL is upset that Louisamay's son was so concerned and caring about his mother's stay in hospital. I suspect that she felt that in all things she and her child should be the most important thing and was shocked that her husband put his parents' problems first. Sorry to think this but I've seen it happen.

Eleorhan
Thank you for your post. There has been a lot of brain racking going on in this household! We are always very circumspect in regard to what we say to our DIL. To be honest we have trod on eggshells for a long time in order to keep things on an evil key. My DS has said that she has a low self esteem and often misconstrues any disagreement as a personal attack. I can't really comment except to say she has launched a verbal attack on DH and myself in the past for a minor misunderstanding. Haven't a clue why she behaving like this now. I don't have to be her bosom pal but I would like to have a relationship where we can be at least pleasant to each other, it doesn't take much after all.

Do keep in touch with us louisamay and I do hope you can find a resolution. I agree that dil needs to open up about what is bugging her although if it is jealousy that will be difficult to admit to.

Ha ha Eleothan...I didn't mean 'evil key'. Must be a Freudian slip!!

even key ???

X post !

i think I meant the nautical expression 'even keel' but brain got wires crossed.

Your DS saying that his wife has low self esteem is a very good explanation of her apparent strangeness towards you. She will feel threatened by things that most people don't regard as threatening in the least. That is not her fault. If you sail on an even keel, give her plenty of leeway, that is, make allowances for her low self esteem and its horrible effect of making her feel threatened by minor things. Poor woman. I feel sorry for her. I hope she eventually gets help boosting her self esteem. Poor self esteem causes all manner of problems for a person

Do let us know what you decide to do on Monday.

I agree with luckygirl casting my mind back to being a young mum,my first daughter and my dad had died at the same time,my MIL was a widow and so now was mum.I could feel the need for support from both of them I had a younger brother and my then DH has two older brothers no other women in the family.I was then at 25 thrown into a situation of caring for both mum and MIL,I had already lived in a home where my dad had chronic health problems which fed into my anxieties.Two other difficult pregnancies followed and mum and MIL where both very needy I felt claustrophobic as I had my own problems with PND.I found it hard to bond with MIL as I a feeling of being the one who would have to care for both mums should ill health arise with both and it did I am not proud of how I panicked and tried to keep MIL at arms length I was absolutely terrified of ill health after witnessing my dads problems being already depressed heightened this feeling of being trapped....only now I realise if I could have rationalised my feelings I could have acted differently ...hindsight is a wonderful thing....louisamay I feel for you I look after a 2year old sons OH little girl for 12 hours it is exhausting....however I do take her to the library and we have built that into our routine...the sections in the library allow you to sit whilst you lovely husband can help him choose books for nanny to look at,he could have his own library card I have been teaching A take out and return her books as a little activity as she loves pressing the buttons and putting books in the box and getting ticket etc,an hour can go very quietly and pleasantly this way xxxxxxx

There is no possibility that DIL would ever have to care for me and I can't imagine the thought would have even entered her head. i have a fit and healthy husband, two retired sisters who live in the area and a widowed sister in law who are far more likely to help out should the need ever arise. In any case I am recovering. I suffered severe complications after 'flu which led to Sepsis, a life threatening condition but one from which people can and do recover. I have seen DIL briefly three times since March. She has always kept us pretty much at arms length in the past and really our visits to the house were only because we were useful, however we did chat briefly and I was fine with that. Back to the present situation - I responded to her email and suggested that to save her driving to and from the park we could collect DGS from the house in his buggy and walk to one of three green open spaces (two with swings etc) within walking distance. At least we would be able to whip him home quckly if he became irritable or the weather deteriorated instead of having to ring her to come and fetch him. She responded saying she will think about it.

Sound like she doesn't want you at the house for some reason. It looks like it might be the park or nothing unfortunately.

I get the impression she wants that time without either of you in the house. Maybe for now it's better to just go along with it especially as your husband will be with you. I initially thought you'd be stuck in a park for two hours on your own. Accept it graciously, don't rock the boat for now, and try to find out when you can what is going on in her mind. This solution is not one I'd welcome as I'd prefer to have the toddler at my house, but she clearly has issues, as yet not identified, so go with the offer. Having your OH with you makes all the difference. Have a lovely Monday morning. Is that particular day important to her? Does she have friends round? Could be why she doesn't want you there.

Hate to labour the point but we do find it strange (and hurtful) that before I became ill we were 'welcome' at the house. Although DIL would be busy and there wasn't much conversation, we seemed 'OK'. Sometimes when we were about to leave at the appointed time, she would suggest we stay on til DS came home from work so we could have a chat with him! EVERYTHING has now changed, she never initiates a text or email, ever! Not that I expect a lot of contact but it's so bl**dy odd. DS has absolutely no idea either and I fear he is going to raise it with her soon. I would rather he didn't but I think it's inevitable.

You responded to her email, you said, with a suggestion that was different from what she had already thought about. Some people find that sort of helpful suggestion unhelpful. They can't cope with it. I don't know why this is, I just know it IS. How about just accepting her as she is and doing what she asks instead of trying to do things your way, even if you are motivated by helpfulness, which I'm sure you are.

She replied politely and off-puttingly perhaps, with "I'll think about it". I interpret that as a polite way of saying "Please stop making other suggestions".

I'm getting the impression that you simply don't understand that your DiL has difficulties with people. So she's awkward. Some people are. Work round that and start by not making alternative suggestions but just accepting, putting up with, if you prefer.

i suppose I'm still saying, No, you haven't got a choice, and I don't think that's in the least unreasonable.