Phone accident.

You are having to deal with this on your own, but is there not another family member who could have a word with your son and point out his selfishness? You are too close emotionally I fear to be calm and objective and he also has to see that it is not just your opinion that he is out of line, but generally unacceptable.

KatyK. Except for the baby, that was me. Sorry to say but I've no sympathy.
At least he has had one loving parent all his life.

A phrase that springs to mind which I used eventually on DD (who used to ask but in the sweetest possible way if I could bale her out on many occasions) was 'Just What Part of NO Don't You Understand?'.
There does come a point where you think 'enough is enough', I am not sure that at 18 I thought that. However, if any of them had behaved in the atrocious way your DS has behaved then I wouldn't be inclined to give in.
He needs to apologise properly, understand that his behaviour is not acceptable in any way and start behaving with more respect towards you.

You sound as if you have had an extremely close relationship, more so than many mothers and sons with no father figure to show him the way to behave towards his mother; perhaps he is fighting that relationship now, fighting for his independence, but is unable to loosen the apron strings in a reasoned, grownup manner.

And another poster has a point - is a mobile phone covered by household insurance?

Re how the phone was broken, given his past history are you not worried that the bullying is still going on and that his phone was taken from him and deliberately smashed? Maybe he is a frightened young man as well?

I think posters should know that ruby started another thread as things have moved on

Changing locks

Yes indeed petra

The Changing Locks thread was started 10 minutes after this one, so all part of the same problem.

That's a thought, trisher

I agree Ana, but I got the impression that some posters were not aware of the other thread. Ruby's later posts on there give background information that might make a difference to replies on this thread.

Oh yes, I see what you mean

I have read both threads rubylady which sound equally desperate and I am starting with the recent damaged phone incident and your son's extreme reaction to your reluctance to claim against household insurance.

Having seen the casual way my teenage grandchildren use their phones, including dropping them, they seem to withstand some pretty rough treatment. If your son is telling the truth and it was his own fault, he was probably angry with himself mostly but took his frustration out on you.

If it was a deliberate act (upgrade?), then he is angry that his plan to manipulate failed and with you for not complying with his expectations.

If it was damaged by a third party, subjected to bullying or other threat of violence, that could also account for an extreme reaction based on fear. Fear is often not far beneath the surface of anger.

On a practical level, I wondered if you had checked the insurance as to whether the phone is covered by the policy. If it is not covered, then it is ruled out as a bone of contention anyway.

If it is covered, claiming against the insurance could be a small price to pay towards not only restoring some equilibrium but an opportunity to change the basis of your relationship. The proviso is that he must fund the insurance premiums for a replacement phone.

Hear me out on the next bit which relates to the other post.

If your son is planning to go to University, would he not be leaving your home anyway? It is a huge step, even for confident young people. It would not be surprising to find that underneath all the bravado and anger he is fearful about his future and how he will cope.

Would that give you an opening to talk about the here and now and what you can do together in the coming months to prepare him for living independently? For example, budgeting on a student income, cooking, shopping etc.

Hopefully, he will view your interest as a positive one and for his benefit. Of course the opposite might be true i.e. that he can't wait to live independently. Whichever it is, he will still need your ongoing support and encouragement.

Whilst I would like to end on a positive note, if you do have reason to fear for your safety, there are few alternatives but to contact the emergency services. In my experience it is the last resort for most parents.

I really hope that all goes well for you and apologies if I have misunderstood your situation.

Hi, thank you all so much for your welcome advice, it really does mean a lot as you all are the only people I can turn to.

No, there is no family to help. I asked them for years to help me and got nowhere so hence cutting them out of my life. It has been extremely hard and my siblings and daughter all work with the youth of today and yet not so much as a phone call to help so no, I paddle my canoe alone.

His father was a complete waste of space as far as parenting was concerned. If he was a good father, then he wouldn't have hit the mother of his children, he would have put time in and worked hard at our marriage and spending time with his children. Instead he prefered to do anything but spend time with them. Hence the divorce.

The door didn't get broke, he kept slamming it and the handle is a little dicky now but no wood or frame broke.

The situation has calmed down a bit now, thank goodness. I know these years are tough, for both teens and parents (I have done it once and that was hard too but I had a partner then to help me through), I just feel that I want a quiet life and so these last few months of him being at home are going to be a struggle emotion wise. We are both at different times, he is hormonal due to not releasing his testosterone (he started at the gym but then give up, he's a geek, not a sports person) and I am hormonal due the menopause being round the corner. Not an easy combination.

Anyway, talking of which, I got results back from my colposcopy, they found pre cancerous cells, so, even though it can be sorted, I still feel like I could really do without it. I must have done something bad in a former life for me to keep being tested in these ways.

Quote from Mother Teresa "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle - I just wish he didn't trust me so much!"

Oh ruby I do feel for you and I'm sorry that your results are yet another blow for you. Keep your chin up love, it won't last forever.

All virtual hugs very welcome, I've sat here on my own all day watching tele, trying to take my mind off it but needing a hug. X

Sorry, thank you Lona.

Here you go ruby, gentle {{{HUG}}}

[fdt]

I wonder if his phone might be covered by another source; my bank account has a few extra bits, which I ppay for and mobile phone insurance is one of those things. Otherwise, I would not replace the phone. Not with insurance, not with money. There is nothing to stop him getting a job and paying for one himself, godnoes they are cheap enough in Tesco.

When my children were growing up I made one thing abundantly clear: I will support you as best I can through all education. I will not support you you stay at home and do nothing. No work = no food and no roof over your head.

They understood. One left home at 16. The other two now live with their father who allows them to sit about and do *ugger all. I think he is insane, but then this is the same man who abandoned all 4 of us in the middle of nowhere in France with no warning and then went on the missing list for 14 years, paying nothing towards his children.

jings I don't know what your last post means (tried Googling)

Me neither.........my mind,s boggling!!!!

"bashed in the living room door" "wished I wa dead" says it all. You did more than enough letting him use your ohone to contact the company after that kind of behaviour!

Thank you Wilma X

Jinglebells Yes, what does that mean???

Don't worry about the colposcopy. I had dodgy cell treated 30 years ago and no trouble since.

I have been reminded of a TV show some years ago about violent children. There was one boy who was treating his mother very badly. His problem was that he knew he shouldn't be doing it but at the same time felt that she shouldn't be letting him do it. He knew his father had treated her badly and that he should be the man of the house now and look after her but that just made him feel more guilty and behave worse. It took professional help to sort him out and I'm not sure where you could begin on your own. Perhaps University will be the answer.

Deeda now you've mentioned it, I think I saw that series. If it's the one I'm thinking about, the professional was a male psychiatrist or psychologist. The series followed 3 teenagers who were about to go excluded from school because of their behaviour. He tackled the problem from 3 angles - diet was one and the boy had to follow quite a strick diet that was based around 3 meals a day that would keep his blood sugar levels steady, reducing mood swings. I think education was another and he had to do his homework with support. I can't remember what the 3rd thing was, exercise maybe because I think the boy joined in with some lads playing football in the park. At the end of the 'treatment' time the boy's behaviour was much better and the relationship between the boy and his mother was settling down. Does this ring a bell?