Rich In Laws

waited outside the shop for ten minutes when my daughter, son in law and my grandson ran out of the shop and said, we need to hurry, 'mum and dad' are on their way. So we all run down to meet super nan(?) and grandad. As soon as we met, the nan, my sister in law (?) ran off to go to the loo: I wonder now if she really knows how much distress she causes. (how?) I can't tell you how I felt it was like an out of body experience but I was felt very righteously wrong footed! It was as if there was a 'family' conversation going on that I was suddenly privy to yet excluded from. I was asked if I wanted a coffee and said no thanks (I'd had one on the train) but I was bought a coffee. I thought this is really weird. My grandson needed the loo and my daughter took him. I felt threatened and that I needed to say/do something. So I said: Right then, I'm going

Right, I am still surprised you refer to your DD's MIL as sister in law, I wonder if you are unconsciously trying to be part of that family because you feel they have "swallowed up" your daughter? However, while I Agree she sounds somewhat inconsiderate, putting her MIL before you, how it impacts you is really within your control.
What was the problem about the MIL going off to the loo? And as for feeling "threatened" because your grandson wanted to go to the loo and his mummy took him, where are you coming from on this?
Sorry to sound brutal, but your take on the relationship sounds very distorted. You seem to have multiple issues and are blaming your DD's parents for all of them. I think there is a combination of insecurity ("losing " your DD, social insecurity, they are rich , doubts about self-worth as you have recently gone through the trauma of redundancy, and an inability to have a life of your own independent of your DD and DGS
No, in answer to your OP this has nothing to do with class or how "rich people" behave, but you do seem to have a bee in your bonnet about it.
If you cannot see your way through this morass, I would suggest some sort of counselling to address all the issues you describe.
Good luck with that, and please bear in mind this is an ope, public site, unless you subconsciously want your DD and her DH and his family to find out how you feel.

Strange to read this today as I was doing some daydreaming in the car on the way home yesterday [I wasn't driving, by the way]. Having bought a lottery ticket I was doing the usual 'what will I do with the millions I've won to help my children, but in a way that won't have an adverse affect on their lives' [given that a lot of relationships are great when there's a future goal but when people get to where they want to be the relationship often falls apart...at least that's what my doctor told me when my marriage ended...but I digress...]. It seems to me that it's just a version of the usual problem of one family having priority over another [beentheregothetshirt]. But also a young couple with no common goals to bind them together, although they probably don't realise this at the moment. And also reminds me of the bit in Watership Down where the rabbits find a wonderful home where everything is perfect but there is a huge price to pay for that perfection. I've also realised over the past couple of weeks that, getting up early each day, working incredibly hard and falling into bed shattered each night has meant that the multitude of things that I worry about seem to have evaporated. By the way, I didn't get a single lottery number this time.......

I think a visit to the doctor for a blood test. You sound exactly like a friend who had an over active thyroid . I have a similar family situation but my SonIL when we were doing a lot to help out with the grandchildren shared Google calendars so I would put up holidays and dates I could or couldn't help and they or rather he put in dates his parents were visiting and or helping out. My daughter is like yours in that she often was surprised when she found out about some arrangement. She is a very busy woman and has a full diary anyway.
I also think you should take down your photo or delete too much information.

This has got to be one of the most confusing thread I've read on GN. I agree with jings, this is a bucket job. Stop putting yourself in a situation that causes so much distress.

thread = threads

Thanks KatyK and Synonymous: it's probably confusing because (ahem), as a woman I'm fighting only against myself? So I desire to nurture, support, build (and teach by example) yet I also realise that the world my daughter's in is quite 'male' supporting men and all their works and that noone questions that. Traditional. EEK.

And I'm trying to quietly assert myself and (my) value and worth as a mature woman. Like my daughter and like everyone else I've moved on: yet noone acknowledges that: I think it's because we're still fighting old prejudices about what women can do, I think it's because probably I have a lot more than I realise and have achieved far more than I realise. Because these parent child relationships make our children cringe and make us cringe and childlike too!

It's alright saying I'm a tolerant person: we all are until we realise that OUR boundaries are crossed, we aren't listened to and there's no chance it's going to change! My son in law's gran gets fed up with being taken round all the properties etc that they acquire and his mum can't understand why.....
I've sat with her and tried to get her to just care, I've tried to get her to understand that wow their achievements are stunning but 'value' and valuing what other people think is important is just as important. It becomes though like a competition: it's like, in a microcosm an explanation of all the Capulets and wars and problems of the world. I think lived experience should be valued and respected and I think what we all note about the world is how willing parents are to buy their children a stake in the future rather than standing back and letting them find their own way?

We all go on about poor kids having so many issues to deal with, access to education, work, housing but it's a continuum: rich and poor live in an increasingly 'commodified world' where appearance of things being ok stands in for the truth of whether they really are. Rich kids have similar pressures to poorer kids, except you won't see them: they have to keep up the pretence that everything is fluid and easy (their peers are usually from the same backgrounds and it's a no no to 'overshare'), Yet often, professions, dominated by these kinds of people are in a direct relation with people who are from very different parts of society and they're supposed to help, heal, teach them when they're so buttoned up themselves against anything going 'wrong'?

So maybe what I'm railing against is that we need a way of helping people throughout society to be more altruistic, less market orientated, bring back the idea of the value of every individual. I just find competitive rich kids very empty, false and depressing.

Your complaints against your DD's MIL seem pretty fundamental, so I don't really see where this latest argument about "prejudices about what women can do" is going.You have had some excellent advice but choose to go off on this anti-male tangent.
I am sorry, but I don't think you are behaving like a "mature woman" but one in a time warp who wants to be pivotal in your DD's life and cannot bear playing second fiddle to her husband or MIL whom you snidely refer to as "super nan".
Your "out of body" experience could indicate a medical problem, it could be menopausal or could be an indication that you need to get a better grip on reality.
Envy of the other GPs' financial situation? Resentment of no longer feeling central to your daughter's life? You are going just the right way to alienate all of them and "quietly asserting yourself" is not what is coming across in your frankly very needy posts.

Alea what a good critic you are. Yet I wonder.

I am honest about what I think, feel and see and I think whether I'm needy or not is irrelevant: I did feel 'weird' that day because I had no control over what was happening. It was an analogy, it didn't really happen. This isn't true of my life generally but I'm open enough to wait and see before I make my judgements or decisions about people.

I usually give them the benefit of the doubt: except in this case (we're talking about eighteen years now so I know what the emotional landscape is like), where not only do they seem to want their own way, they just don't think they need to communicate with anyone who doesn't follow their line.

Actually, that's the truth: when I said super gran I meant really in the context of that day (which was really supposed to be a happy, jolly celebration about my daughter's achievement remember), and how their entrance was so much more important for my daughter and her husband than mine. Fact. Trying to make a joke really.

I am a feminist, I do campaign and believe in social change and politics is quite important to me but in perspective. Don't write like a bossy school teacher: you sound quite aggressive and very keen on quoting and put downs.

You say you "find rich kids very empty, false and depressing". I think you should go on some of the Politics threads on here. You might find find yourself to be very happy with some other posters on there.

There's the Boris Johnson one you could try. And the one about David Cameron.

It would take your mind off of your family too.

Is this about competition soap .

You say about how your in laws arrival was' so much more important for your daughter and her husband than yours'. Are you looking to be the most important person in their lives because if so I have a bit of a newsflash for you... that time is over. The celebration may have been about your daughters achievements but she plainly wasn't unhappy to share her day - so why would you be?

Your daughter now has her own family and extended family and you can no longer be the centre of her universe, whether that's because you're not told about impending holidays or your daughter and yourself no longer communicate in the old way.

Im struggling a lot with your post to be honest - the underlying message that I'm reading is me me me . Im so sorry to be so blunt, and I dont intend to offend ( but probably will) ...

Why shouldn't they have their own way? You say its been 18 years - well they aren't babies then are they? This is the way of the world !

I have to agree with Alea !!

soaps the reason I said I was confused is because at times I can't work out which relatives you are talking about, especially when you were describing the meet up in the city. I understand what you mean about your daughter and the other grandparents, but I'm not following you when you write about the mother-in-law, sister-in-law and sister.

I think what you are trying to say is your daughter is disappointing you because of the role you have been given in her life and that role is not the one you want. You have a good relationship with your grandson and may have to settle for that just now, even if you might feel like it's a bit like a child minder than a grandmother.

In fact, maybe you should concentrate on strengthening your relationship with your grandson, so that when he's old enough to appreciate the standard of living his parents and his father's family. At some point he will become acquisitive as all children do and when that happens, you need to hope your relationship is strong enough for him to want to continue being part of your life. I'd focus on that for now.

I have read all of this thread and to be honest I feel as if my brain is in a kitchen blender
If you don't like what you see soaps don't visit, Your DD's lifestyle is clearly an issue with you.

well said wilma - great advice

so that in preparation for

Your last 2 sentences are very wise Wilma she should build for the future with her GC.

I have tried to engage with this thread but I can't help thinking if the be all end all of the reason to post was the relationship between mother and daughter I could feel empathetic. However I am feeling uneasy and I don't know why?

I find the rhetoric of the family set up merges with class , wealth issues etc. in a rather odd way. Odd in the sense that points are being mentioned in a fashion that leads me to query if there is more than one issue hoping to be discussed than the mother daughter relationship and request for advice.

Am I detecting a strong feninism characteristic in your persona soapsoanelive? Forgive me if I am misconstruing your posts but I am just being honest .

If I am wrong all I will say is I hope you and your daughter continue to share a good mother daughter relationship irrespective of any outside influence.

I have felt uneasy from the start of this thread POGS.

I think I pretty much get where soaps is coming from and agree with what Wilma has said. I don't think she has a problem with her DD's lifestyle other that when too much is handed to someone on a plate it can stop them developing as a person. And she's been in the relationship for so long she can't see how controlled she is by her in laws.

Bugger you already answered my question.

You are a feminist. I am thinking that maybe you are a very strong person soapso and I am sure you are capable of handling the In Laws. Perhaps you scare them to death!

I did feel 'weird' that day because I had no control over what was happening. It was an analogy, it didn't really happen

Now I am confused, what didn't happen? How was it an analogy?
I am not a bossy school teacher, nor aggressive, but a realist and if you don't like how I read your situation, that is fine by me.
But when a person asks "*Am I Being Unreasonable*? don't be outraged surprised if the answer is "Yes".

I, too, have read through this thread right to the end in the hopes that something would explain it!
i'm totally confused by the whole thing and am not sure what the purpose was in starting it.
sorry, it's just my opinion, but perhaps it would have been better not to have started it at all.

It is confusing.
Sounds to me like you are over monitoring your daughter's life?
If she is happy with the relationship with her in laws then I cannot see the problem
It also sounds a bit like paranoia that they are somehow alienating you and what they do is with you in their thoughts?

Why would you think the Hamper was to buy you off? Is it not just a nice gift from your daughter?
Do they HAVE to tell you they are going skiing? Is it your business?

The In Laws have a relationship with your daughter, not with you.
Please try to stop investing so much time into wondering what they are doing.
Your daughter is an adult, has chosen a partner and seems ok with everything, therefore your concerns are unfounded.

Your daughter is obviously an intelligent adult. And that's where perhaps, the problem lies. She has made her life,decided what she is happy with and she is living it. It might not include you to the depth of your expectation and sadly you have to live with that also. I have two daughters 34 & 30 both married with children. I am divorced from their father and it wasn't an amicable split. My younger daughter wants nothing to do with me. Over the past ten years I have tried and tried to reconcile with her but sadly it's not to be. I wasn't invited to her wedding and haven't met my grandchildren. It nearly broke me but I've now accepted she makes the decisions on how to live her life.

I agree with jinglbellsfrocks soap xx
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