Rich In Laws

Thanks Angela1961, sorry Maxgran, Lupatria, maybe because I have done too much for them and honestly, without any sense that I looked pushy or wanted something back. I'm proud of them. All of them. I realise that there is such a massive veneer of obligation, duty and respect that is solid and dependable and really social achievement and it's daunting.

It's that they've decided what's going to happen a year in advance....eeek!

It's probably as confusing to you as it's to me. I'd like to change it and this is a way of getting a perspective on my own internal ramblings: it's always easy to imagine that there's something wrong with someone rather than actually thinking, really, this person isn't being listened to, this person is being badly treated even though this person is treating other people with respect.

Me. I've always treated them with respect: I realise that they are different. I will let you all go now and thanks for your comments.

If you genuinely seek an amicable solution to this dilemma, I wish you enlightenment.
If on the other hand , this is a run through for a potential "soap" plot, my strong advice would be, try something different.

Does GN turn us into cynics?. Discuss.

Bollywood would pay good money for this script

soapso you've described a couple of times when you felt overruled or ignored. If that is the usual way you are treated it's understandable if you are annoyed about it.
If your daughter wants to meet, ask her to come to you rather than meeting at her place or in town. She's not so likely to bring the other GPs along then.

It sounds to me as if things are getting on top of you, after a long time of putting up with it. It could be good to consult a counsellor to try to work things out. A rant on GN can only go so far.

Some of you have understood this saga a lot better than I have!

soapso, if your account of everything is true, then for goodness sake get the thread deleted.

Your family is easily identifiable, and if your daughter and SIL find out you have written it, things might get even worse.

The whole thing is so odd.

FarNorth so true.

Unless your DD has told you that she's unhappy I don't see what the problem is, unless the problem is only with you. I must risk sounding harsh but your long post reads as though you have quite a chip on your shoulder.
Your DD appears to have a good standard of living, her child is looked after and likely to go to a good school. Have you brought her up to be a shrinking violet unable to stand her ground if she isn't happy? Not once in your post do you say she has confided in you to this effect, or are you wishing she had? Your post reads as though you are being quite 'needy'.

I agree Sherish

It sounds like Soapso expects people to behave the way she thinks they should, i.e the way she does.
I can only think she needs to discuss her concerns with her daughter and maintain that relationship. There is no need to have any relationship with the in laws.
The daughter is an adult now so it is up to her how she allows the in laws to dominate her - or not.

Just goes to show that money can't buy everything, having lots of lovely things and holidays etc can alienate the people you love with whom you can't share it all. I am sure they don't wish for that, what choices are there.

My son has a wealthy girl friend, I know before they have children that I won't be able to compete with other granny in terms of treats or gifts, it is what it is, LIFE.

I look back on my own life now and see when I thought I was just passable, I was really rather attractive, when I thought I was inferior I was actually the same as everyone else, most of what we see and feel is about us ourselves.

We have to let the kids go, I am glad your daughter has found someone who can keep her in a secure manner, who values her education and who allows you to share things with them. I pity more the people whose daughters and sons emigrate, in the end they all make their own choices.

Some parents find their educated children have less in common with them, some families grow apart politically, in this instance it is just money, they aren't thinking about that but it affects you as you feel at a disadvantage.

Try to relax and not feel aggrieved or hurt, I am sure that is noot their intention.

We all bring different things to family life and you will probably never know the other conversations that happen and where the richness that is you and the life you gave your girl are spoken of with pride and love.

Good post radicalnan.

I think I understand this. I dont have experience of it though.
In essences, I agree with you that it your DD and sil are being controlled. Incredably controlled.

Is there a part of you that thinks that if it all blows up, they could both be left with nothing. Literally nothing?

I agree with radicalnan.
The original post is quite confusing.
soapsanelive is lucky enough to have a DD and SIL that includes her and a DGS she is able to see. Her DD is obviously very comfortable and has not indicated any problems. I do feel that the main problem is that the OP has trouble accepting that the In Laws are wealthy and that she can't 'compete' with them.

Count your blessings soapsanelive many on here would love to be in your position.

I don't think it's about competing but about values.

It is not about competing.
It does remind me a bit about the Royal Family, but in a lot of ways worse.
Gilded cage, but you dont own the cage or much of your life either.

They could come out of the cage, but with what and to what? And he is probably quite conditioned by now.

Alea, Aggie, Far North, elena, jinglbellsfrocks, sherish, Maxgran, RadicalNan, Tegan, Obieone, ginny, Tegan: of course I count my blessings, I think I know what love is and I am someone who really does bound out of bed with enthusiasm: I am grateful to be alive though I wonder how we all got here. It is about competing values, Tegan's right and because I was a single parent (worked up till the day my daughter was born and went back to work ten days later, both she and I have a strong awareness of really fighting to know what my values were and to live by them being resourceful and having a rich life. So I suppose I've been given a wake up call: my cosy little view of people and the world doesn't fit reality. I'll get over it and I will change: it's about entitlements I think: as a parent and grandparent you join a club but what I've noticed is that then there's also the millionaire's parent/grandparent club where there are different rules and where the people look like you and me and talk about society and social things but they don't really need to get involved and do their sorting out inside a completely different system? That's what I think and maybe over the eighteen years that I've been involved in this maybe really I have been stretched out on a learning curve that has meant I am the one who is changing because I need to change: probably to wise up: yet it does make me cross to be told how to live and how to behave (by them) when I've been doing it anyway. I think it's that they represent authority to me: so I feel kind of infantilised by them.

I see that ,soapso has taken her profile photographs down.
On reading her profile she is a highly Intelligent and complex person and one I would never relate to as I think she is out of my league.
I wish her all the very best on sorting out her family situation.

If you are really intelligent you can read situations and reign in your resentment , let your Daughter go , she is a separate person . If my Mum had started criticizing my In Laws as you do I would have given her short shift ! actually one of my Mums sayings was " intelligence is a funny thing " and " Common sense will get you places better than smartness " was another

Soaps reading through this thread I found myself being very sad for the situation but also with some 'wonders'. I wonder if you are someone who spends a lot of time thinking, sometimes when we do this things go round and round in our heads and become distorted while they also grow and become overwhelming. Forgive me if I am wrong, but if this is the case I would agree with previous posters who have suggested counselling. Having a neutral space to unpick your reactions with someone detached from the situation who won't give advice, as our well meaning friends do including those on GN, might really help. A good counsellor would support you to find your own solutions and move towards more peace of mind. It may also help re-build your sense of self which seems to have taken a bit of a knock.

I also wonder about your physical health and agree with others that a physical health checkup is very appropriate, there can be all sorts of things going on that we can't see that can impact on our ability to cope with the world. I can't imagine trying to be part of a family where there is so much financial and perhaps world view disparity. All families have their own systems and ways of approaching life and it does seem that your son in law's family system is very different to yours and of course the one your daughter grew up in. I often need to remind myself that different isn't necessarily good or bad, its just different.

it sounds as if you are overwhelmed at the moment and I do hope you can find a peaceful way through that wont damage you or important relationships.

Here's a little tip soap - you don't have to join any club. Get busy rounding off your shoulders and adjust your expectations.
Wishing you all the best.

I'm with Elegran on this one and with others who have pointed to the soap like description of life in this confusing family situation.

annsixty,aggie, cornergran, ffnnochio, Iam64, I think my physical health is good: I don't drink or smoke and get plenty of exercise, eat well etc. but it is/has been hard: I have worked long hours for a number of years and then on my day off travel a couple of hours to see my grandchild: I think that it's been an acclerated time: and I think I've taken everything literally: I AM a seeker and yes like most people, complicated.

I'm not out of anyone's league (annsixty) and I am interested in the things people think and say here. I think I am a nerd and a bit aspergic probably; a kind of artist type probably who really does have a lot of common sense as I have to do ordinary and common or garden jobs and live in the real world most of the time. I also, from time to time burst out of the ordinariness and try and do a campaign or a project just to change things a bit. Anyway thanks for the interest in this and good thoughts and kind hearts.

You certainly like talking about yourself, soapsoanelive...

Sorry, I tried to read your posts soapsoanelive but realised that I wasn't breathing, so had to stop.

Good luck with whatever it is

Have we all been "had"?