Rich In Laws

Flippin' site keeps going down!

inglbellsfrocks, elegran, Alea, Synonymous, Jalima NanaandGrampy, obieone

Apologies for dragging you all into posting on this, thanks for all the good points and the bad ones. I don't think all my posts have been published. I've published several trying to mitigate some of the responses you've all made but the posts haven't appeared.

My publish dialogue went: 'you don't own the user name soapsoanelive' and then it seemed to publish but didn't. (The name Soapsoane came from the time I was studying architecture: John Soane was an amazing 18th century architect: I used to comment on a blog set up by Criminologists called Bent Society and thought that commenting on a blog was like a Soap zone so I amalgamated Soap and Soane).

Here, on gransnet, as a gran I posted a long winded account of all the positive and negative aspects of how I felt about my relationship with my in laws because I felt they have prevented me having the kind of relationship I can feel comfortable with and contribute to with my daughter, her husband and my grandchild. I said that they've been together for eighteen years and that when they got married the in-laws said they wanted to give them a house.

Now I don't know about you but when I give something I give it and expect nothing in return. That's the point of giving you give to people you love because you love them and want to enhance their life in some way.

Yet a few years on this house still belongs to the company. My daughter and her son have now done really well in their own rights and if they were any other couple would have by now made their own decisions about where and how they want to live.

Having this gift is as much of a pressure as having nothing: the two of them, like most young people of their age, need some kind of certainties in their life that they have control over. Yes they have a kind of security but it's not on their terms. I think that his parents are actually treating them like children: we'll pay for this, we'll send someone from the company in to decorate, do this repair, you're too busy.

I am in awe of my in-laws: they are formidable: I also admire them for what they've achieved by their own efforts from scratch. I also don't understand though why they think that they should control their children's lives.

This is at the root, the nub of the difference, the dissonance that's created the by now real rift between us. You see I brought up my daughter to be independent of me: I wanted her to be independent of me because I loved her I knew she needed to be independent, the irony is that both of them are really good people who work in health and community projects and I think that they're being socialised by this financial control into thinking that what they do and can do is irrelevant to the really important work that's done by his parents company.

I'm not needy. I'm drawing your attention to the fact that I'm a self starter, have achieved a lot in my own right. Yet this situation has even got to me, finally. Everyone else in our family has given up. I have compromised, have acquiesced, have fitted in but I've felt increasingly uncomfortable and disturbed by the greediness, duplication and lack of insight and concern for anyone else's needs but their own. My daughter loves her husband and child and so of course, prioritises them: of course and she agrees that her husband finds it very hard to express his own needs to his parents. He does love her, I know how much they love each other and they love their child. I would love these in-laws to realise how much these two people can do for themselves and how important it is for all of us to let these two people make their own home on their own terms and then bring in the extended family in a measured and more genuine way.

The house is probably a tax break, nothing to do with being a gift or control over them.

the two of them, like most young people of their age, need some kind of certainties in their life that they have control over. Yes they have a kind of security but it's not on their terms
If they haven't both expressed those concerns to you then I don't think you should worry about it.
Quite honestly, they are not children, they are educated adults and surely can think and decide for themselves.
If they are not paying rent to the in-laws and both have good jobs surely to goodness they have a better opportunity than most youngish couples to save up for a deposit for their own home. Or perhaps they don't mind living in a rent-free home and are happy with the status quo.
If you talk about this to other members of your family and then express these doubts to your daughter you are going to lose her altogether, unless she comes to you because she is not happy.

There are people out there who have much worse in-laws (one very close to me, I can tell you, but we DO NOT INTERFERE) and would only ever do so if asked to if the situation became intolerable.

Step back and let them live their own lives, they don't sound like shrinking violets so if they are not complaining, maybe they have nothing to complain about. It is their business, not yours. If you are/become/seem an interfering mother-in-law yourself then you will certainly lose touch eventually.

You ask "Am I being unreasonable . . . .?" You have had many replies, but I don't know how much of the sensible advice you have taken in and will act on, so I won't give you any more. You are articulately introspective enough and creative enough to work out for yourself when you are being reasonable and when not, and to act accordingly.

Yes, thanks Jalima: they do (kind of) express it to me: they feel comfortable with me and I do feel that they love me, care about me and trust me but it's like there's this 'great big force of nature, whirlwind' 'brighter than the brightest sun' that 'disappears' everything that came before or after it. And that's his mum and dad....

and I realise how forced and how phoney I must have sounded in my other posts and it's not me but they do intimidate everyone.

Now I realise that although I've held back from thinking about whether I actually like or dislike them I realise that I don't like them and that's ok.

I realise that I don't have to like them for my daughter's sake: I need to be decent and honest and only a part of their lives. I do need to help my grandchild have a balanced view of people, emotions and the world: I realise that this is something I must just do and be consistent and loving and honest. Call the thing the thing it is and have fun on the way.

It's best to be fairly friendly and civil with them, though, for your DD's sake.

Just by being there for your DGS, loving and caring, giving him fun times, he will be able to see that there is more to life than the acquisition of wealth.

Yes I do think about how hard I tried to give my daughter the confidence to have a voice: I want my grandchild to feel respected enough to be able to respect but yet know the right boundaries.

It's a cost of everything value of nothing dilemma when it's a battle purely about extrinsic worth that never becomes more human or about intrinsic worth.

It may be that this will happen!

Yes maybe it will. Now leave it and find something else to ruminate on.

I think there have been some very unpleasant comments on this thread......

You refer to your DD's in-laws as " my in-laws", they are NOT your in-laws and I think this may be a Freudian slip. You are not part of this family, your daughter is. This seems to be at the bottom of much of your problem, a lack of distance. Your daughter is part of their family, you are not.
Most of us are saying similar things, "step back, let your DD and SIL live their own lives." If they are happy to live in a house the parents have paid for, so what? Kate and Wills are happy to live in a house provided by HM, does Carole Middleton make a fuss? I bet she doesn!t .
You say you brought up your DD as a single Mum and so your relationship will have been close. This makes it harder to let go. Your problem is nothing like as convoluted as you seem to make out. Read your replies and think hard about how you take it from here.

I don't think any have been unpleasant, Tegan, just answering the question honestly - presumably the OP wanted to know what others thought, and now she knows that most people think she should let her daughter run her own life. The OP can keep in contact with them and demonstrate that she has different priorities without overtly criticising the other parents.

Pulling her daughter in half is not the way to go, and worrying will achieve nothing for anyone. If she didn't want to hear opinions, she shouldn't have asked "Am I being unreasonable . . .?"

Tegan I agree with you.

Soapsoanelive,although I've been confused by your posts I believe you to be a caring gran who just maybe is having a difficult time at the moment. Think about yourself,do things you enjoy and take care.

Soapsoanelive ,
I hope you have not been put off from posting on this forum by some of the comments you have received in reply. I do feel for you and can understand why you feel pushed out but it is up to your daughter to stand up to the inlaws who sound pushy and controlling to me .

As you say they are self made millionaires then I would imagine they are used to being in control and have stepped on a few people on the way up . I hope things improve for you, in the meantime try not to dwell xx

Very sound advice Alea

I think of myself as an educated and relatively well-educated person.
But what this means......

It's a cost of everything value of nothing dilemma when it's a battle purely about extrinsic worth that never becomes more human or about intrinsic worth

I haven't a clue!!!

Overthinking it???