Gransnet forums


I couldn't believe my ears .....

(83 Posts)
loopylou Tue 19-Apr-16 13:35:04

I was visiting my elderly parents this morning when my sister walked in and proceeded to start talking about other cultures in the most awful, bigoted racist manner I've ever heard. I asked her not to talk like that, it was racist and completely out of order and I tried to change the subject. She then started insulting me, calling me stupid and ignorant. Nothing seemed to have triggered this.
I'm afraid I stood up and walked out - I will apologise to my parents but I couldn't sit there any longer.
I'm still shaking, I was so upset; all I could think was thank goodness neither of my children were there - they'd have really torn her off a strip.
I have every intention of avoiding her as much as I can, I can't believe that she behaves like this.

Sorry, rant over ...........

Cherrytree59 Tue 19-Apr-16 14:04:30

Was it out of character for your sister to talk in this manner ?
If so then I think something must have triggered the out burst.
My MIl has for the last two years being saying very much out of character things which I'm afraid can be of a racist or even sexual nature.
I'm afraid it is down to suffering from dementia.
It started slowly with an out burst occasionally and now much more frequently.
However with your sister it may be due to something that occurred prior her visit.
flowers sorry your visit to your parents turned out to be so unpleasant.

Luckygirl Tue 19-Apr-16 15:25:42

I have a close relative who sounds like an audio version of the DM at its worst. I have an on/off button when it comes to my hearing - no point in challenging this individual who is otherwise a kind person - I know it would just cause a family rift that would help no-one.

loopylou Tue 19-Apr-16 15:57:21

I've never heard my sister talk like this although my parents (and particularly my mum) are very kind-hearted but would be regarded as out of order at times.

My sister's language doesn't seem to be triggered by anything- we were chatting, the subject of how to vote for Brexit or not and she went into a tirade about refugees, immigrants, a quarter of all streets in London have to be closed to everyone everyday so Muslims can pray'....I've never heard anything like it. Then the personal insults started at which point I left.

all very sad.

obieone Tue 19-Apr-16 16:03:04

It sounds to me like talk of Brexit triggered it. But I agree with Cherrytree59 that something else may be causing it if it is out of character.

Also sounds like she may have changed her reading patterns?

alchemilla Sat 28-May-16 19:20:21

Have you phoned your sister to ask why the outburst?

Stopped going to a friend's house when her private school children started mentioning Pakis. Should have told her. Daily Mail her preferred reading. She also riffed on the number of single mums going for flats and benefits until I pointed her to the Gingerbread site.

Eloethan Sun 29-May-16 00:11:37

loopylou It's difficult when a close friend or relative or a work colleague speaks in such a way, but well done to you (and alchemilla) for challenging this nastiness. I always regret an occasion at work when someone said something blatantly racist but I said nothing. Since that time, I do speak up when people make those sorts of comments but I'm rather ashamed that I didn't then.

The referendum campaign on both sides has been awful and I think it has been very damaging.

sunseeker Sun 29-May-16 11:36:30

I am a DM reader and I am not racist! I have in the past challenged an employer for making racist remarks which made him moderate his language (at least in front of me). I have also defended a young girl wearing Muslim dress who was being berated by someone in the street. I was married to a non-British person and have personally experienced racist remarks. I get angry when someone assumes that because someone reads a particular paper they are racist. All newspapers have agendas they promote. I read various newspapers and watch and listen to news on various stations and try to pick out the truth.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 11:42:08

Glad to hear that sunseeker- but I have to say I just don't get this. Why would someone wish to read a paper, day in, day out- which do not reflect their views- racists or non-racist or otherwise.

When I am in a coffe shop I always pick up the DM to see if my views about the paper are somehow distorted or erroneous - in vain. How do you feel about The Sun - who buys it?

sunseeker Sun 29-May-16 12:50:21

I choose to read newspapers which don't reflect my views because I like to see all sides of an argument.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 29-May-16 13:04:58

People do get very worked up about the immigration side of the referendum. Some people feel frightened and overwhelmed by the number of immigrants and other cultures they see in some parts of the country. I think all you can do is try to put your views as carefully, but firmly, as you can. Try not to fall out with her over it. It's not worth a family split.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 13:23:39

Great sunseeker, if you read other and very different papers too- do you?

jingl, I agree- but its hard. So many of our family and neihgbours hold very different views, and from very different angles (from Tory with a massive C, to the Swiss SVP/UDC adn the French FN, to the Tea Party in the USA. With the latter, despite them being so kind to us and lovely people otherwise- they so over stepped the mark with sheer and extreme racism shown to the Obamas, and their support of Donald Trump - we haven't fallen out- but they won't be invited again, and we won't visit either. Spending many days with them spouting that stuff is just unbearable. Now they only watch FoxNews - I wonder if that reflects their views??? just as some papers do.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 13:48:44

(they are cousins- 2nd generation Swiss and 3rd generation Italian- in their 80s - she insisted on moving from their wonderful house in California when 'I just didn't even know what the vegetables at the supermarket were'. Personally I loved the new produce at Leicester market...

ElaineI Sun 29-May-16 13:49:21

Some people on this thread are expressing very bigoted and judgemental views towards other people. Fortunately in the UK we are allowed our own opinions and allowed freedom of expression. Just because people have different views and opinions to us or read and watch different programmes does not mean they are wrong and you are right. There will be a bit of both!

rosesarered Sun 29-May-16 13:58:53

Good post Elainel
Here we go again with smug remarks about DM readers.We have been down this road before many times.
To the OP, I would not fall out with your sister over her views, it's really not worth it.Families have to be together on so many occasions.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 14:07:14

Well, what do you say about FoxNews? And do the people who watch FoxNews, exclusively, do so because it represents their views? If the views are racist - then what does it make them?

Bigoted indeed.


'never thought I'd have to live under a Moslem President with false ID- and anyhow he is an Al-Quaida plant, didn't you know' - we tried to laugh it off, but he would have none of it. 'You bet I believe it- and you need to watch FoxNews- the only ones to tell the truth- your BBC is soooo biased'.

rosesarered Sun 29-May-16 14:14:25

granjura if that was a relative of yours ( who said that rubbish) then you either have to be diplomatic ( if you have to see them again) or if you don't care, then say what you think back to them.Have never seen Fox news so can't comment on it.Although it may be annoying, irritating, galling even, to listen to bigoted comments ( and just plain idiotic ones) we all have to be careful with relatives and friends.Nothing to stop you saying that you can't agree with it, but not worth a ding-dong.

alchemilla Sun 29-May-16 15:25:05

granjura rosesarered

I don't know how far you push it with relatives or even strangers about challenging them. I've met many of both who are good-natured but clearly have racist (or other) views diametrically opposed to mine. I usually try to engage and find out why they're thinking what they're thinking and argue back but not ad hominem. I have surrendered contacts when it's clearly not good. I also read the Times (online) DM (ditto) but also try to catch up with Grauniad. It's always an eyeopener comparing the values - and the comments online.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 17:06:15

roses- we have learnt to tread carefully and not challenge or argue with those relatives and neighbours- we avoid discussing politics with them- but at times they just go on and insist on discussing - and we quietly say we disagree and why, and leave it. As you say, not worth it to upset the family, especially as we know it won't change their minds, at all.

With those Tea Party relatives from the USA (they have moved to an all white gated community...) - we used to get on so well, and they are lovely people... to us and their kin- but those comments above were just too much to bear- both on their last visit to the UK with us and last year here. No ding dong either- what is the point- we firmly said we thought it was wrong and bizarre to say those things- and will not fall out- but will not ever have them as guests or go over as guests. Our family in the USA has been truly divided by their racist and extreme comments- sad.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 17:09:04

My neighbour is the kindest of people (French) and so is her husband (Swiss) but the vitriol that comes out of their mouth re immigrants is mind-blowing. We never challenge, and quietly try to say things that may make them re-think - but we will never change their mind- so we just have to accept this- and their friendship- as it is.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 29-May-16 18:17:33

Elainel does your post mean you think we should go along with racist opinions when they are put to us? Where are these "judgemental and bigoted" views you have read on this thread? confused

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 29-May-16 18:18:45

Or do you just mean the minor point about which newspaper people read?

rosesarered Sun 29-May-16 20:18:48

granjura I think you're doing the right thing! those relatives from the US , perhaps pay a quick visit if you are there, but not stay with them.

granjura Sun 29-May-16 20:46:41

Definitely- they did invite themselves last year and the year before - and hopefully they won't again as he is 90 now- but it would be more difficult to say 'no'. Fingers crossed.

Nelliemoser Mon 30-May-16 09:22:24

A few years ago now I was on a bus in M town in Cheshire when going to pick my car up from a service.
We passed a building site. Someone said "Oh I wonder what that will be" and some obnoxious red necked guy said, "I know it's going to be a Mosque, I have seen the plans."

This git was purely stirring up racism. The town is very white and the few Asians seen were workers at a big pharmaceutical company or the local hospital doctors.

Some people enjoy spreading such malicious rumours. The site finished up being a care home. Some saddoes enjoy stirring up controversy. You could have been in serious trouble for doing that in the war
The moral is do not believe any rumours without checking the facts.