TO THINK THAT THIS IS UNACCEPTABLY GREEDY

Not only would I not give a donation. Not only would I not go to the party. I would not want anything to do with that person at all!!

If I did go I would put a note in the collection saying I have given a donation on her behalf to a local charity which supports people who actually need help. . Perhaps with a leaflet explaining the charity so that she knows what needy actually means.

I am wondering if the friend even knows that her son has sent out this email. If it were me, and my family member emailed people asking for money, I would be utterly mortified - and livid.

I don't mind contributing cash for an event rather than buying a gift. I know that a lot of the times, unless you know the person really well, you can end up buying something that sits in a cupboard or goes into the next tombola that asks for contributions. I'd rather offer a small cash donation towards something that the person/people would really enjoy, rather than do the equivalent of flushing the cash down the toilet on something they don't need or want.

I agree with BlueBelle, I'm not sure I'd accept in any case if she was not a good friend - feel less and less inclined to accept every invitation now, unless it is a gathering of closer friends.

Indiana has the right idea, serve The Birthday Girl right if everybody turns up with "re-gifted" presents such as out of date Milk Tray, all beautifully wrapped with no cards. It does sound like bl**dy cheek though!

We said "no presents please" for our 40th anniversary and a few people still brought flowers or bubbles, very kind of them we thought....

It is possible that the birthday girl knows nothing about this and would be mortified. I would email her directly, including the email from the son, asking what kind of contribution she would consider appropriate...

I'm getting heartily sick of being asked to donate to other people's 'trip of a life-time'. I'm saving up for my own and there is no way I would ask, or expect anybody else to contribute.

No doubt when your 'friend' returns from her trip she will bore you rigid with her photos. Oh, I'm getting really grumpy now!

You are not being unreasonable. She is the one who is being unreasonable and downright greedy. Darned cheek in my opinion. I could not possibly go to that party.

We were invited to our next door neighbour's \Secret' party to celebrate their wedding anniversary and his 60th .......I was surprised to receive an invite from their friend who was organising the party ...along with a request to place money in an envelope which would be deposited in a box in the hall on the day ! We are pensioners ourselves (UK pension, worst in Europe) but a donation of at least 40 euros was the acceptable minimum .....quandary ....we like our neighbours, they are very helpful and friendly, what to do ? In the end we did put 40 euros into the envelope ......we were told apparently this is normal in France ! (ok ....so I am waiting for my birthday .....ha ha !)

Never heard of it before in the UK though ...except for maybe a 21st or a wedding, which is acceptable ...when I married the first time I got 6 identical sets of ceramic soup bowls in an awful colour and very little off the 'wedding list' ...certainly no money, washing machines, fridge freezers, that seem to be on lists nowadays ....I know money is tight, but our first fridge was 50p from the Scout jumble sale ......

I'm with Tiggypyro ?

It's a bit cheeky but, if you think about it, better than being given 50 scented candles which would just go in the bin or be re-gifted. Put a tenner (or what you would have spent) in an envelope and think no ore about it.

I have been invited to a friends 50th wedding anniversary lunch.

On the invitation is says "no presents, but there will be a collection box for Guide dogs for the Blind".

That to me seems very kind and thoughtful towards guests.

Such a nice idea, and as friend explained, they have everything they need.

Violette, I have just read your post and it reminded me of my own wedding where my new in-laws (to my embarrassment) went round the family asking for wedding presents for us such as new freezers and washing machines. When it came to it we were given the usuals: a set of coffee cups, a set of steak knives and - from my own mother - nothing (as it had been my birthday the week before and she thought she had given enough! Hilarious.

Id rather have the scented candles! For my 70th i said no presents but lots of people brought flowers or small inexpensive gifts which was quite touching. Id be embarrassed to get money.

She should say she has a stomach bug or some such illness. I certainly wouldn't go.

Absolute cheek and the request should be ignored or overridden. But, old as I am, I LOVE presents, giving and receiving and would hate a birthday without them. Large or tiny, all gratefully received.

What a cheek! I would not attend this party and I'd let her know why. Well maybe not, I'm a coward!

Seeing as the son has given out his mothers bank details to all and sundry perhaps you can use said details to send a cheque off to a charity LOL

It can be expensive accepting invitations to functions, first there's the gift then there's the outfit then shoes to go with said outfit and then hairdo, cutting, coloring, perming, styling? whichever you need? DH and I recently attended a wedding and we decided it's the last function we will go to so were just going to make excuses whatever the case may be, it's just not worth all the stress.

We have just had our golden wedding party and sent invitations to 90 people. We stated on the invitation 'no presents'. It is difficult to think of presents for people of our age who have most of what they need. We felt people might not come if they had to dream up some present to give us. We just wanted people to come and have a good time. They all came, we had music and dancing, everyone joined in, it was wonderful.

I don't agree with asking for donations to charity either, why should anyone be asked to give money when invited to a party. Ridiculous.

Definitely not being unreasonable,
I have also turned down expensive wedding lists and invitations that state "no children" I like the idea of saying that you are saving for your own trip of a lifetime!

I had a party many years ago when I said no presents but witty and amusing cards please, however, my girlfriends decided differently, they all had the same thought and bought me a necklace I put the names of who had bought what in the little boxes and now get very nostalgic when I wear them.

In some cultures at weddings it is the usual thing to ask for money at the celebration meal, and you take it ready in a red envelope and a person comes round and collects the envelopes.

I think your friend should just leave a £5 in an envelope as in our culture it is the done thing to take flowers and this would be instead of taking them.

At the party your friend can decide if this is the end of the 'friendship' and say thank your an goodbye, and may be with a final sentence - it was nice to know you, so glad you had a good birthday, however I think time has run its course for our friendship this was a nice final get together! Thank you

My 70th said no gifts please
Many had to travel, including flights, so for me, their company was more than enough
However, generosity was extraordinary, regardless of my request on the handwritten invitations
But maybe they were 'real' friends

Unbelievably poor taste and greedy
I would suddenly develop a severe gastric bug!

I'm not sure... As HurdyGurdy suggests, does the birthday girl even know this email has been sent out? Younger people (like her son) often do ask for cash instead of gifts these days. It's probably come about with so many of them marrying well after having already made their home together. Whatever we think of that, it seems to be the norm for many. We were mainly brought up to think of requests for money as grasping and rude, but times change.

I never turn up at a party empty-handed, unless a charitable donation has been requested in lieu. I'd always take a bottle or a plant, even if "no presents" was stipulated. In this case I'd just throw the equivalent cost of that into the pot and think no more about it.

Birthday girl sounds appalling though. I wouldn't have been accepting that invitation in the first place, and I'm not sure why your friend has!

I think pleading an imaginary illness is a bit of a minefield. They sound like the sort of people who would ring after to enquire about your health and the cheque!

Egads... when my husband turned 65, I organised a surprise party for him with just his family (he has 4 bros + sis's + nieces/nephews, some we don't see often). It was after we'd been to Spain for almost 3 weeks, so he was definitely not expecting anything.

I emailed the families and gave them the pre order menu for the pub-private room meals to choose from with a note in huge capital letters that I was paying for all meals! If I gave a dinner party at home for people, I certainly don't ask them to contribute to my grocery bill. They'd bring wine or bubbly but not cash for food.

It was up to the family to decide what gifts to give, and they were very generous. Mostly tools... he's big on DIY and it was great.

He was so surprised and we all had a wonderful time. I didn't do a 70th one, but may do something next year for his 75th as it will be our 25th wedding anniv at the same time. Hopefully a big holiday away, but certainly won't be asking the family to contribute to that!