TO THINK THAT THIS IS UNACCEPTABLY GREEDY

Some charities eg Christian Aid send a 'certificate' to the person whose birthday it is, which, of course, illustrates the gift, thereby you don't even have to explain that you made a donation to charity.

Agree with kitty an imaginery illness is a minefield. I think we forget we don't actually need to explain when we say 'no', a regretful sounding note with no explanation is sufficient and avoids questions that would come via a conversation.

Weren't our generation brought up to understand that it is rude to ask for money? I hate the way such insidious new ideas so often become established as the norm.

Now you know why she has few friends!

It sounds like begging to me. And no-one wants to be a beggar unless they have to.
What about writing to say you didn't realise she was so hard up to be reduced to begging. Does she need a loan?
Hopefully they won't take you up on the offer.

About 20 years ago we went to a young friends wedding, they had been living together so they requested vouchers for a well known store as there was dining room furniture they really liked but could not afford whole cost - we were happy to give a voucher better than something they didn't want/need.

When my late DH & I married we had everything but wanted to buy some items from M & S which we chose together, also requested gifts from the same ranges (bedding & crockery), it gave us great pleasure to receive both gifts & vouchers which was a real pleasure to be able to pick what we wanted & not have to put a penny towards purchase.

I do take exception where money is requested for "wedding contributions" "holiday of a lifetime" honeymoon etc. I would not contribute to such "greed"

My neighbours DD is getting married to her long time partner (they have 2 teenage children) & has already requested donations for the "wedding fund" - what a cheek

Very grasping. I wouldn't go. When my husband and I married in the mid 70's we had lived together for a while and didn't need "stuff" so we asked everyone to bring a bottle of fizz for the reception/party we had after. Made us smile the sound of clinking bottles coming into the church and everyone had enough to drink afterwards.

Why not just buy a lottery ticket or scratch card, pop it in the basket with a good luck note? She will then only have spent £1 plus the envelope and who knows birthday girl may win and pay for her own holiday

As one of the senior staff in the Royal Household said about Sarah Ferguson "vulgar, vulgar, vulgar!"

marionk No! Just think how she'd feel if the birthday girl actually won the jackpot (with friend's ticket) and was in the local paper bragging about it!

Here is the US Bridal Registries have been around for decades but I always felt it's an imposition on an esteemed guest to tell them where and what gifts to buy. A growing absence of sensibility has overridden good manners over time, to the extent that people now ask for donations with a straight face. We received such a request the other day with a wedding invitation! It is someone we haven't seen in years! Thankfully the wedding is in another part of the country and we declined graciously. I couldn't help thinking... why not do away with the invitations altogether? Why not come straight out, pick the amount and charge for admission instead?

Am I alone hoping that I never receive another wedding invitation? The entire cost is too much- new outfit, hair do, travel to venue and if unlucky a night in a hotel never mind a gift!

I have a BIG birthday approaching which is being marked by a rather splendid lunch for close friends and family. My DP, who is organising the whole thing knew (rightly) that our guests would want to mark the occasion with a gift - because, as a group, we always tend to do so, but he also knew that I have enough of the sort of things which are normally gifted on these occasions: books, perfume, scarves, candles etc.
So he wrote to each quest inviting them to contribute to one 'big' present - something he knew that I wanted but which was not feasible for any individual to buy. He was prepared to top up the amount received to the level required. He stressed there was absolutely no obligation on anyone to be part of the scheme, but (apparently) without exception each guest said they were delighted to contribute. All of them were really happy to be relieved of the burden of choice and to be a part of getting me something which I would love. My DP's gesture in doing this was not a cynical exploitation of the generosity of our friends; it was a reasoned, sensible response to a mini problem which I think has been a success all round.

As the request has come from birthday girls son am I alone in thinking she may have asked him to pay for the holiday as a birthday gift? (I am truly turning into an old cynic!!!)

I do think it is a step too far - don't like the wedding ones that ask for contributions to honeymoons etc either. Again I have been to birthday parties where "no presents please" was stipulated. How about buying something on her behalf for a family in the 3rd world - like a goat or chickens etc. A GP at my Practice did that and I thought it was a good idea.

Oh dear, how awful. I don't like cash requests, although I can appreciate they're a good idea for weddings. If it were me, I just wouldn't turn up...how rude of me! One friend of ours had a huge 60th & used it as a fund raiser for a local charity & raised several thousand pounds - now that is acceptable & very laudable! We all had a fantastic party & the charity did well.

It's unacceptable IMO for long grown up adults to ask for money. Esp. if they're comfortably off.

We had a friend (not remotely hard up) whose wife asked for donations for his 60th, for an expensive item he wanted for the garden. 'Since you will probably want to buy him a present anyway...'

We thought it a cheek, ignored it, and took what we would have taken anyway, a bottle of fizz.

I would only think it acceptable if (say) the person really was hard up, wanted e.g. to visit family in Australia, and couldn't otherwise afford the air fare.

I really do not like these sorts of "invites" I feel that they do not really want you there only your money.I would turn down the invitation and spend the time with people that care about you .

Our friends had a similar basket for donations at their golden wedding anniversary bash. But the basket was for cash only - annonimously - and in aid of the local children's hospice.

If she's really that well off, I'd just go to the party and enjoy it, and not 'donate' anything. So many people will be there anyway, it'll not be noticed.

Many people give hideous presents however well intentioned, so this may be what the son was trying to prevent. Go to the soirée, give what you think is appropriate for the fare, have we not all been to parsimonious occasions? Some of us pride ourselves on the effort and richness of our table, others try to get away with poor fare. It brings to mind Jeffrey Archers soirées of shepherds pie, I would consider this an affront. So give the widow's mite if that is all you can afford, but do not cry off ill, that is deceit.

I'd send the son an e-mail saying "I would be delighted to attend my friend's party and was really looking forward to it, however I am someone with a limited income and as I am unable to afford any holidays myself cannot contribute towards your mother's. I wish her every happiness."
That should make him feel guilty!

I would do as others suggested and recommend your friend throw £5 into an envelope and leave it in the basket, thats, if she decided to go. My husband is approaching 70 next month and we are just having a small family dinner, and then going to a favourite hotel for a couple of days. He insists on no party or gifts from anyone . We are very fortunate to have all we need, perhaps not all we would want, but that's a different story !!! My friend is also celebrating a milestone birthday next month, and instead of a party is hosting a Macmillan coffee morning , with donations in lieu of gifts. Ive already bought a small gift anyway, but will be happy to make a donation.

Regarding attending events, a friend pointed out to me one time, when I was fretting about whether or not I was obliged to attend a party " Its an invitation, not an obligation " Wise words.

She could either say she has changed her mind or put a £1 in a sealed envelope with a note saying from a hard up friend.

Just thought she could go to the party and just put a note in an envelope saying "Was going to give you £50 towards your trip, then I realised you would want to support mine as well, so this is a thank you for your kind contribution towards my holiday. Love XX" Leave in contributions basket

Was invited a few years ago to friends' ruby wedding party a long distance away which involved me paying costly travel/accommodation costs. my Their adult children who were arranging it asked for donations to their 'trip of a lifetime' which I gave. Wouldn't do it again. Since then, I have discovered the people concerned are far better off than I believed, and enjoy expensive long haul trips abroad several times a year. This sort of behaviour is greedy/taking advantage. I do not feel the same about the relationship.

Thought - My partner has a significant birthday coming up, and I want to arrange a lunch party locally. Clearly, I am stupid - it has just never occurred to me that anyone coming who was not immediate family would think they should buy a present! Obviously I need to make this clear - and I think absent's idea of a basket for charity donations is a good one.