Constructive criticism?

And so say all of us. Mx

Well said rubylady, and you're so right, however I can't help smiling when I read a couple of posters having a go, not that I'm brave enough to join in, but I've got my list and 'what the heck' Gnnet makes me smile in the mornings.

rubylady I totally agree you.
We come on here as friends to find comfort and a positive advice in which gransnet do so well

Oops .......with you

To be honest, I think a minority of people visit forums at least partly because they enjoy having a safe, anonymous go at other people. I visit very few, but I see the same types on all of them.
I often think that in the real world they may very well be quiet types who would never dare say such things to anyone in person, but get a kick out of it when safely hidden behind their user name.
Could well be wrong, though!

Totally agree Ruby.

My problem is that if I get unfairly (IMO) criticised I find it difficult to walk away, as i know I should. As my teachers used to say, "must try harder"

I can't help feeling that you may have started a thread that will attract the very criticism that you hate dislike.

What prompted this ruby?

It's never going to happen. If people start contentious threads then they will get criticised by some posters and supported by others. It's the nature of forums, and it always has been.

You can't police a forum by telling everyone to be nice. It will only come back to bite you on the bum .

I'm 100% with you rubylady . I can't handle conflict at all and I just have to crawl away. Some people find ways to make nasty, personal comments over the most innocent posts, even questions about weeds in the garden!

Agree totally Ruby some posts are personal jibes at the poster not a comment on the post. One or two join together which reminds me of the playground cat calling. If somebody has upset you Ruby please treat them with contempt they deserve.

Yes I agree and I avoid a lot of the threads as you can almost 'see' an insult coming. Its not debate when its personal and destructive. I like to be helpful if I can, it doesn't mean I don't have strong views its just that I have learnt on here how wounding some remarks can be.

Oops! I try not to tear into anyone but I do get very indignant when a poster twists someone's words or deliberately misconstrues what another poster says to score a point and make the other person look as if they are unkind or callous.
(Political threads mainly.)

Must try to ignore it

But you soon get to know !!!

I agree there are some posters who are like terriers. Once they latch on they won't let go, even in the face of a reasonable contrary argument, or even, in my case recently, an admission that I could have phrased my post better. In such a case the only option is to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! retreat from the thread gracefully and leave them to it. Life is too short to chew over every letter and syllable of a potential response in case someone might just find a reason to tear the backside out of your trousers.

I don't think anyone objects to someone posting their opinion - it's when the comments become personal and unpleasant. There are some on here whose views I disagree with but they are, of course, entitled to those views, just as I am entitled to mine. I am all for civilised debate but when things turn nasty I just leave the thread because quite frankly I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

Pollen it is not just contentious threads, it happens when the OP asks for help in a totally non-contentious way too.

I don't think that, however well intentioned, you will persuade everyone to write kindly.

My particular issue is those who deliberately misquote another poster and don't apologise when it is pointed out. I know of one who simply disappears from a thread despite having been prolific once they are asked to apologise!

Ruby

Are you thinking of political posts only or GN in general?

If you are thinking of the politics forum then may I respectfully offer a 'constructive' opinion. Perhaps there are posters who have more interest in politics than others and take the subject as seriously as say somebody who takes gardening, culture seriously.

Debating Politics and Religion do tend to create a pressure cooker effect but if one has a belief or a strong view those two threads will by their nature be the threads likely to cause contention. In other words they are 'heavyweight' topics and probably not for the faint- hearted which is very regrettable as I would like to read posts other than 'the usual suspects' of which I am one. I feel like I should now enter the 'blush' smiley!

If it is GN in general then I do get surprised when some totally innocuous / obviously humorous post is at best twisted or at worst challenged for the hell of it.

I think for the most part posters Bark are Worse Than Their Bite, I hope so.

I always have doubts about apologies that are demanded rather than coming naturally when a mistake is realised. Do they count as real apologies?

I'm thinking of apologies one hears/reads about in the news. A relatively recent example was the apology demanded from Prof Tim Hunt when he jokingly and self-deprecatingly said something that some people, encouraged in their belief by lies from the woman who reported what he said, took offence at. He apologised for having caused offence. He might as well not have bothered because those who had it in for him demanded that he was sacked from his posts, which he was. The whole thing was outrageously unfair and unjust.

And the apology demanders weren't satisfied with his apology anyway. People who demand apologies rarely are satisfied when they get them.

You know the old adage: 'If you can't stand the heat...'. Five years on Gransnet have taught me not to get involved in heated discussions, no matter how much I may disagree with certain opinions. I know all too well that it's impossible to change people's prejudices by rational argument. So I don't bother. I just avoid political threads nowadays. If I know that I can give good advice based on my experience, I am glad to be able to do that.

You may be right Bags but I like to think that sometimes the person didn't intend to be offensive and when they realise they have been they take the opportunity gladly and apologise. Someone did this to me and I really appreciated it.

I get that, nonnie, but if the person didn't mean to be offensive why take offence?

I tend to think that if a person states in a way that is not rude that no offence was intended, then the person who has taken offence felt offended should take a step back and think about why they were offended. It could be that something that matters to them doesn't matter to the person who said or did what they objected to, IYSWIM.

As an example, someone I know is offended by other people's casual attitude towards marriage (living together as partners if not married, for instance). I see that as her problem rather than anyone else's. People who say they are offended by gay marriage ditto. Why does anyone else need to be told that they are offended?

I think offence is often (not always) a personal thing and nothing really to do with anyone else.

In the case that I referred to Bags it was the way it was written that was not intended. I think we may all be guilty of just writing something quickly without rereading and realising what it 'sounds' like.

Of course if the person did mean to offend then maybe it should be brought to their attention as sometimes happens and other show their support. That makes the offended feel better and, hopefully the offendee (if there is such a word) feel ashamed.

if a person states in a way that is not rude that no offence was intended I agree but then those are the people who would not offend. It is the ones who do it deliberately who do offend.

In your example I can see no reason why anyone should be offended. There are things which are acceptable to others which are not to me but that is a personal matter and I wouldn't dream of saying anything.

I think we may all be guilty of just writing something quickly without rereading and realising what it 'sounds' like.

I'm sure that's true, but when someone says they didn't mean it 'like that', that should be the end of the matter. It sometimes isn't because the offended person insists on being offended/outraged and taking stuff personally either on their own behalf or someone else's.

I know I'm guilty of losing my rag and being rude sometimes out of irritation. I don't think showing irritation once in a while is all that bad a fault. Plus GN does have a report facility so people can report stuff and get it deleted so people do have redress and the person whose post is deleted (I'm talking about me here! ? ) gets a ticking off from HQ and resolves to be more careful in future about sticking to the rules.

Sometimes someone has been really brave asking for help and it appears hurtful if someone else then minimises their problem. What is a problem to one person isn't a problem to another. But we should treat each other kindly at all times even if we hold different viewpoints surely. If we hurt someone's feelings we should apologise. ie behave as we do in RL.