Sharing Christmas

Wow Mary you have done a lot for your family and DILs family! They should be eternally grateful!

I do hope the talk with your son goes well. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas wherever you are.

Oh dear Mary I fear you will make things a whole lot more difficult. One of your posts sounded a tiny bit like emotional blackmail.

You do not have to be alone for Christmas! Join the WI or something. Volunteer, as I did, to help out at the local hospital.

Hi Mary, so sorry you are upset, and I can see why - you were offered something lovely, that you valued, and it was taken away, without much apparent thought for your feelings. I hope you feel better soon - and like other people, I do suggest treading very carefully.

Could you go and volunteer at a Church Christmas lunch, you'll help other people, get loads of company, and you will enjoy it. And you may get some kudos with the DiL and the in laws for being kind!

Just to say, my husband was a widower when I met him over 20 years ago, and his sons and daughter have welcomed me, BUT the person who seems very thoughtless (insisting on Xmas being spent with her, etc) is DSD's ma-in-law. She has three daughters of her own, but always wants to be the super 'mummy' to my DSD and 'bestest' granny in the world to the three munchkins. I realised after a few years, and after reading many similar posts on Gransnet, that I don't need to respond negatively or to be a martyr! Difficult not to let the green eyed jealousy monster rear its head at times, but I now just count to 10 or MUCH more, try to ignore her and plan a lovely day with DSD and her family when ma-in-law is busy elsewhere.

Please do enjoy Christmas Day and all the other days and please, please don't let others upset you ?

Flower what is DSD ? I do get confused about all these blasted initials . To answer the OP , I for one, think it is rotten what has happened and would personally be upset . It is so thoughtless of the Daughter in law whether your Son forgot to mention it or not . Who would leave their Mum/MIL on her own on Christmas day ? Do you have any friends that you could go to ? Sending you a hug

Had all of this with DILs and their families etc . Just tell all my son's and families I am going to a friends house they seem happy. I am not though, go to church in the morning . Then cook myself a lovely lunch, Have a walk around local park. Put my feet up listen to radio read or watch what I want on tv. Bliss no stress.

f77ms DSD = dear step daughter, I think. ☺

Thanks farnorth

I always had both sets of parents and my other halfs granny ,sister, her husband and assorted other relatives EVERY year for Christmas day,saved anyone feeling second best.My daughter took over a few years ago and now its open house at hers and the same applies,anyone who doesn't have somewhere to sppend Christmas is welcome,last year there were 18 ,I think there are a few more this year.She wont hear of anyone mucking in( her mothers child) so I make the chhristmas cake ,a huge trife and take copious amounts of wine

Have you read

read

Have you read your messages ? "The baby belongs to this one or that"you are talking about a baby,not a thing to be owned by one or the other. Baby is quite new and you are fighting about it already.poor little thing


th

I can't imagine ever allowing my mum to spend christmas day on her own. I think your son and dil are being quite selfish and thoughtless. I would be telling them that to in no uncertain terms. But then we are all different

I can't quite believe they are willing to let you have xmas day all alone ....but at the same time the baby is not "owned" least of all by any of the grandparents. Could you stay somewhere near by as an alternative?

I am sorry you have found yourself in this position, if your son is popping in on his own you may be able to risk saying something but be prepared for him telling his wife what you have said, I wonder if there has been any pressure from the other in laws. The babe is very small so enjoy Christmas Eve and a good cuddle and get in on next years arrangements early as possible.

I'm the opposite, my DD has her in laws in the same street, she has been asked to go to their house for Xmas lunch but knows she would rather come home to me so she says she's staying in her own house and they are doing their own thing, however like last year the in laws dropped in and insisted they all congregated at their house so dragging DD out. They never take no for an answer. As her partner hates visiting anyone she will come to me with did boxing day but for a couple of hours as she hates leaving him. I really dislike Christmas. The best part for me is to go to bed on Christmas day with a good book when its over

We see more of our C andGC all year than the other GPs do as we live nearer. I don't worry about Christmas, though I enjoy it. We aren't religious. We spend some time with each or both at some time over a now protracted holiday period. We are fond of both DDs' in laws and have shared holidays and Christmases with them. I am so sorry for all those for whom this is a time of sadness and loneliness, in stark contrast to the "perfect" Christmas we are all supposed to have.

While it may hurt to be pushed aside like that, I would take it on the chin and suggest doing an alternative Christmas with them another day when you are all not working. The 25th is a day but there are 364 others to share fun and gifts with your family,
I hate the pressure everyone feels to be having the perfect family Christmas. For too many, it will be the opposite.
I would be happy to spend the day on my own in my jammys, watching rubbish on telly. As long as I know, as some point, someone will remember where I live! In fact, past few years, have been on my own til about 3pm, waiting for hungover youths to wake up.

good luck for your talk Mary. I believe you are right to bring this up. Why should you have to suck everything up for fear of upsetting people. Do your feelings not count? Of course you don't have rights or claims on any other human being but that doesn't mean to say it's ok to push other people aside. You have done a lot for your son and his family and while I'm sure you didn't do it in expectation of eternal gratitude, it is nice and reasonable to hope to be treated nicely and fairly.

DD & DSIL do not celebrate Christmas, are totally atheist and have said they wish to hibernate on their own over the holidays. While DGD is too young to know about this time of year they aren't bothering with anything but when she is old enough to feel left out when her friends are getting excited about Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza or whatever they may celebrate, they will have low key Hannukah celebrations. Personally (as an atheist from a Jewish family) I see this time of year as an opportunity to get together with family and celebrate togetherness. If DD&DSIL don't feel this way then there's nothing I can do about it. I'm off to my brother's and his partner where we can have a nice Christmas dinner, a few presents and watch a pile of shit on TV while we catch up with each other's news. I would like to see DD and family but at least I'm not being favoured over DSIL's side of the family. We are both equally not involved

This time of year is a bloody nightmare for so many people but I totally agree that if you are hurt and upset you have every right to express that.

Don't understand anyone who could leave their mum alone on Christmas day. The only thing I can think is to get in now and ask if you can reqest Christmas Eve and Day with your DGS next year as you're giving in gracefully this year even though you're bitterly disappointed. This may be his first Christmas but next Christmas will be the first one he's aware of. I feel your pain and hope that you get through it all ok.

Wishing you well MarySunshine. Lives sre always complicated.

Mary it must be a very difficult time of year for you having lost a son so near to Christmas - I can understand why you're a bit bah humbug about it all and possibly why your son has suggested he comes over to you on Christmas morning. A 25 mile drive each way will get him out of the house for a while and a chance to escape the madness of his in-laws and the dinner preparations. Could you ask him to bring the baby so you can see him? I realise you want to see him first thing but he won't understand it all yet and hopefully in years to come you'll get to spend the morning with him.

I feel so sad for people who have no family or who have to spend the day alone regardless of the circumstances. In years gone by we've had so many different scenarios on the day. My parents had a hotel and guests for the festive period the first couple of years we were married so we were all working. Once that stopped we always spent the day with them as I was an only child and my SIL and family would spend the day with her parents so it worked out ok but then we've all moved on and parents have passed away. We've had good years and bad years - the worst when my parents both had dementia and didn't know if they were on this earth or fullers - one son lived in London the other moved to Bedford with our granddaughters so we didn't see either. We've had the odd year on our own and done our own thing which was actually really nice. Now one son lives in NZ and spends the time with his in-laws - he hates Christmas over there anyway and misses his family so we feel for him and will try to FaceTime but the time difference makes it awkward. My other son has no in-laws - my DIL is estranged from her mother so they've never had the problem of splitting their time but now their own daughter is living with her boyfriend so they have the problem themselves. They've solved it by deciding they'll all do the 2 hour drive up here complete with the dog for the day. It will be lovely to see them (despite the stress of coping with the dog with 2 cats!) but if they'd preferred to stay home we would have accepted that too.

There is no answer to the dilemma - the main thing is please don't fall out with your son over it when you talk to him today. He is in a difficult situation himself with a new baby, a flat full of people and knowing his mum is on her own. Accept his offer to come to you and then enjoy the rest of your day doing whatever you feel like to make it your own. Having to work on Boxing Day sucks - I've done it once and hated it. We both work full time and are just looking forward to a few days of doing nothing after Christmas day is over!

Take care

Thankyou all so much for your thoughts on this. Too many replies to answer to each but every post taken on board and appreciated. Lots of different views too, but I guess the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same!
I just need to say that I offered to step back on Christmas Day, because her family always have a 'big' & OTT Christmas and I do not. I was happy with the original plan to spend Christmas Eve at theirs, stay overnight, spend a little time with baby in the morning then come home after breakie and let them have their Christmas.
This isnt about me being alone on Xmas Day. Its about me wanting to spend some time with my family on babys first Christmas. Most of all its about the arrangement for Xmas Eve being changed to accommodate DILs family and extended family.
There are some lovely suggestions of alternate ways to spend Christmas day itself. I will be going for a long walk in the forest, eating junk food for my dinner, while watching my fav film of Little Women then taking a Christmas tea too two elderly neighbours and spending the evening with them playing cards.

My son is over later today as I am baby sitting this evening. If DIL is with him then I shall speak to them both. In a way I hope that she is so she can maybe realise that I am part of their family too and this has really upset me .

Could it be your Bah humbug approach to festivities that is the problem here? Maybe DIL wants to be surrounded by people who share her love of all things Christmas/birthday/excuse for a family get together, especially as she and your DS now have their own little family. Maybe your more low key approach makes her feel it is not important to you whereas it is important to her family

This is their babys 1st Christmas, no one has done this before so it will take time to jiggle plans. They have to accommodate 2 lots of grandparents, family, in a small flat aswell as enjoy Christmas themselves for the 1st time.

Its going to take time to find the right balance. If you've given the impression you don't like Christmas maybe thats why? Or they are taking it in turns? Its her familys turn this year and next year its your turn?

Good luck with the talk mary . I think you are doing the right thing . Why bottle this up and stew , it is better to get things out in the open. It sounds as if you DS and DIL have very thick skins that they could cancel the arrangements -whether DIL knew about them or not - without a thought about your feelings . It sounds as if you have been a very supportive MIL , maybe being a bit too much so. Please let us know how it goes xx

I can see what has happened is hurtful.

I would suggest to agreeing to having your son visit - as someone has already said he may be looking to escape his in laws for a while. Would it be possible for him to bring the baby with him to see you?

I always remind myself that Christmas is only 2 days out of the year as that puts a lot of the fuss in perspective. And as you are working Boxing Day I would suggest you put your feet up and relax. Buy yourself a nice present, not only do you deserve it, its important to be good to yourself when the world conspires to give you a hard time.

You have the rest of your life to get to know this new person in your life. And plans to make for the rest of the year and next Christmas.

Offer to babysit at some point DIL will realise how useful this is to her. The OTT family will want an OTT night out and who will have the baby? I know what I would rather be doing.

Take care and look after yourself xx