Sharing Christmas

Grandchildren don't "belong" to you. Why make life difficult for their parents

i have spent christmas on my own for years however my daughter and grandaughters moved in to live with me about eighteen months ago so i have proper christmasses again.
before they moved in i was on my own as they spent christmas day in their own home.
my son lives 100 miles away and his daughters were rather too small to be carted all the way to mine just for the one day - and i didn't have enough money to pay for petrol to go to see them.
so now i have a proper christmas in my own home on christmas day, the grandaughters go and spend boxing day with their dad and his family and then daughter, grandaughters and i go to see my son and his family - except this year as i'm not able to do a great deal, they're coming to us but not on christmas day.
lovely to have an extended christmas celebration.
so sorry that people have their christmasses "mucked about with" through no fault of theirs and i know a baby's first christmas is important but i got to like christmas day on my own ........... i could get up when i liked and do what i liked when i wanted. and i'm sorry that daughters in law seem to rule the roost and gransnetters are disappointed.

Sorry you are upset about the arrangements but Christmas is only another day ....you have 364 other days to enjoy with your family and a weekend in Spring where you could enjoy time out with your GC would be wonderful ! Personally I prefer Christmas alone ...each to his own ! My ex H's family were east enders and talk about OTT ! My present husband hates Christmas so he will be in one room and me in another ! Here in France Christmas day is just like any other. Families get together maybe on Christmas eve ,,,,we even had a workman turn up on Christmas day once to start concreting the paths !

You could buy a fold up Z bed (ebay) or a blow up mattress ...so if they say they have no room...hey ho ! sorted ! or you could try Airbnb near the flat ,,you might find someone else on their own who would love to have company....or ask your Salvation Army or Church if they know of any lonely old folk you could visit or somewhere you could help out !

The Christmasses I spent on my own did not bother me at all ,,,but as someone said, everyone is different ! for instance my brother who has always been single used to love his Christmas day off so he would chose to stay in bed until late then get up and watch tv ,,,,,this is what he looked forward to all year ! Normally he was up at 5.30 and off to work !

I would be careful what you say ,,,you might alienate them altogether whereas this way you will get to see your GC sometime ,,,,and think they may one day emigrate to Australia !

I got fed up with this scenario when I was the DIL with three children so after thirty years never again. I didn't want my children to go through this every year trying to please everyone and not being succeeding. So when the children got married I decided we should take it in turns who should go to whose parents; its us one year and the in laws the next. This has worked well for 10 years but as time has gone by and more children on the scene ideas are changing and we may have to readjust once again, maybe just meet up as a family get together sometime over the Christmas/ New year period.

Personally I like having everyone after Christmas as they are more relaxed and not so worn out. Always a nice day to look forward to and the presents are cheaper after Christmas too!

Does the DiL even know about MarySunshine's cancelled invite?
I get the impression it's only been talked about by Mary and her son.

I can relate to this, having sons, and no daughters. I think the wife's family does take precedence with things, rightly or wrongly. I'm quite resigned to it now...and sometimes, it's worked in my favour, being able to dip out of some stuff! If it was me, I'd think of my Christmas Day as Christmas Eve and make the most of that day with them and try to put my grievances aside. I'd do a nice meal or some food and be set on enjoying the baby and possibly even opening your present at that time, although when they're that young, every day is the same for them. Next year will be much more rewarding and maybe as you're dipping out a bit this year, you can point that out next year. I don't expect for a minute, that they're really registering how left out you feel. Christmas Day morning I'd see as a grown up and special time to have with my son. (I'd love to have that one to one time so I think you're lucky there). I don't think it's all bad-and your son is probably trying his best to keep everybody happy! After it all, I'd concentrate on other things and not let it fester...it'll only drive them away if you harbour grudges...and when you think of all the people with nobody at all to see over the holiday time...

Mary is getting flak from some for being upset that her inlaws are given centre stage at Christmas, while she gets very little consideration, if any. Of course she is best advised to say nowt, as family relationships can be fragile, but I completely understand why she's hurt that her invitation's been withdrawn.

Insinuating that Mary's being selfish, because other people are worse off, have no relatives at all, etc, well, life doesn't work that way does it? If you're treated badly, it hurts.

If I were this DIL's mum, I'd be appalled at the thought of "the other grandma" being left on her own while I moved in for four full days with all my family in tow. Especially if I was the grandma who lived nearby and saw my daughter and grandchild three days a week!

Marysunshine,do you really want to spend Christmas with those in-laws? Stay at home, invite one or two friends/neighbours round,perhaps just for a drink.You will have the best time ever.

Please don't assume that a daughter's family always take precedence. We have a daughter, and we certainly do not take precedence in anything.

I think the crux of it is, daughters always seem to favour being with their own parents while sons go along with their wife/partners wishes for a quiet life. There's no point being resentful otherwise you will alienate your DIL. I don't know what the answer is here but l really hope you come to some agreement with your family. And if you can't see them at Christmas, invite them to yours for a special day together on another day.

Very succinctly put, totally agree.

Agree totaly with Maggiemaybe.....
Christmas is meant to bring people together..Why oh why does it sometimes do the opposite..& cause so much Agony...If only we could all be granted three wishes....one of mine is peace 7 happiness to alll here on gransnet

peace and happiness....not 7!!!!

Firstly I would like to thank you all for your imput here on this situation that I find myself in. It seems some of you agree some do not and some have even more difficult situations to contend with. Ive taken all your different views on board and today I have also spoken with someone who knows both our families and the whole situation.

I have decided I am going to talk to my son tomorrow. I will do this very carefully and tactfully, all written down and thought out, as the last thing I wish for is a family fallout. I will not try to change the plans but I am going to ask if him & his partner actually discussed Christmas between them. That is important to me.
I am going to have this talk because it is not the first time this has happened since baby came along. I do not want it to become a problem for future birthdays and Christmas's and any other times there could be clashes. I also do not want to harbour any resentments, which I am aware could easily happen.

Ive done a lot to help and support my son and DIL in the past, including selling my home and down-sizing to give them the deposit on their own flat. When DIL's mother had nowhere to live last year I welcomed her into my home while she looked for somewhere else to live. I lent her money for a deposit when she found somewhere. Ive even taken her and her younger daughter on holiday, twice, yet when they arranged a family holiday with my son DIL and baby I was left home alone.
So, although this is just one day, and I'm really not bothered too much about the Christmas itself, I am not prepared to let it pass this time. One reply on here said they had left it and it got left eleven years .. and that is exactly why I have chosen to say something ..

Daughters may often favour being with their own parents, but that doesn't mean they have to act on it! Surely most of them have enough fairness and consideration in them not to exclude their partner's family? My daughter wouldn't dream of treating her parents-in-law this way, and I always made sure that my husband's parents didn't have cause to feel second best. I wouldn't agree that most sons are such wets, either - doing what your partner says for the sake of an easy life doesn't sound like the recipe for a healthy relationship.

Roger71 so sorry you find yourself alone, not just at Christmas, but every day.

MarySunshine I agree that you are entitled to feel hurt about having your invitation cancelled. I feel for you as I think I would feel the same way. But the posters who have warned you about creating a rift with your son and family are right. There are so many sad stories on here of those estranged from their children and grandchildren. A lifetime of being ignored would be so much worse than 1 day.

Hopefully your son will be sensitive to the fact that you will be alone and call in on Christmas morning. I do hope so.

Thankyou Judthepud .. I have no intention of creating a rift with my son . The advise on here has been a bit of an 'eye opener' for me a novice Nan and I will be very careful about how I deal with this when I talk to him, but I do believe something need to be said and not left. Right now they have made me feel very unhappy and saddened and I have really done nothing to deserve this

I quite understand Mary bring upset, she is being left out. If I was the other grandma I would make sure she got an invite. I think they are all bring extremely thoughtless. Christmas should bring families together. Having said that I know that this is the ideal and not what happens to loads of people. Mary has no intention of spoiling it for everyone but you can't blame her for being hurt. However, I do hope she puts it on the back burner and enjoys the day on her own, because as I know from experience there is nothing to be gained by saying anything. Sending you?? because I know how you feel, but it will get easier.

MarySunshine, I feel for you.
However, it is really important that when you speak to your son again, you do not make any claims,just tell him that you have taken the days off as Christmas Eve was when you had been told you could spend time with them. Do let him know that you were so looking forward to this. Surely the other family will understand, as should your DiL. If this does not work, then you will have to sadly accept it and make other plans.

Let us know what the result of your meeting is.

Like many others, we do alternate Christmases. This year, it is our turn.

Oh, these Christmas get-togethers! A large part of the problem is that generally speaking, normal British 3 bed properties just don't have the capacity for multi- generational gatherings. Here in France, at least for the people I know, large family get-togethers are the norm at Christmas. If there is not enough room then it is customary to hire a large gite so that everyone can be accommodated. I believe it is not uncommon to have 30 or more relations for the Christmas meal.
I do feel for Mary, it must be hurtful to feel left out, especially not to see the baby on Christmas Day. I think you should accept your son's offer to come round on Christmas morning, and it is also wise to try, very tactfully, to let him know your feelings. I think he is doing his best to cope with a difficult situation. As this is baby's first Christmas, he won't be opening his presents. It is as baby gets older that you will want to see the actual present opening. My DD makes sure that we Skpye on Christmas Day and she saves the presents that we have bought for them, so we do get to watch them opening their gifts. I hope something gets worked out to everyone's satisfaction and that your Christmas Day is enjoyable, however you spend it.

Sorry Mary Sunshine to hear your story.....due to their travels this is the first time in 7 years we will all be together..although not discussed yet I have no doubt my son dil and dgd will be spending the day with her dad...they are separated and I know other granny will be hurt....they are here for a month and we will see them other days..am sure we will see her for a short time on the day.....in 2010 due to bad weather we spent the day alone...it was not our worst one ever...didls make decisions..it's not worth a row...I have learned to be patient wait my turn,it does come around in the end

I do think it's far worse for a grandparent living on their own, though. At least a couple have each other.

Rinouchka Yes that is what I am going to say to him. Ive thought about this long and hard today and taken in some great advise from the posters on here.
Ive almost resigned myself to making other plans for Xmas, and Im sure once Ive done that my son would be upset because for the past 27 years its been just him and me on Christmas morning. Sadly he once had a brother who we lost, who passed away just before Christmas and for that reason we have always just spent a quiet time together. I am sure he would want to spend some time with me as well as with his other family..
Im talking with him tomorrow as he is over I will let you know how it all pans out ..

Thankyou to everyone

All the best to you, Mary, I hope it goes well.

Thankyou Maggiemaybe for your support and kind works ..
I hope it does too