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To feel sad that my adult children don't really bother with each other much?

(97 Posts)
Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:51:35

As above, I wonder if any of you feel a little sad that their grown up children don't see much of each other? A close family has always been hugely important to me and my four were very close growing up but now everyone is so busy with their own lives.

I totally accept they grow up and live their own lives, as they should, but they just don't seem to bother much with each other and I think it's a real shame.

rosesarered Fri 03-Mar-17 11:05:26

Yes, Happygran a bit sad perhaps, but we have to accept it.Our children may get on well together as children, but once they become adults it can change things ( for all sorts of reasons.)However, it does make full family gatherings either awkward or downright impossible. Accepting the fact , and seeing them all, is enough for us, very few families are like The Waltons.There is always the possibility that in the future they will come together more as they get older themselves.

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 11:13:37

Thank you Roses, I know you are right. I'm a sentimental, menopausal wreck at the moment. X

Lillie Fri 03-Mar-17 11:16:46

Interesting and quite the opposite! Our children did not get on particularly well as children, but are now there for each other and are very close.

It might be Happygran that you aren't witnessing your childrens' closeness through the modern way of Facebook and WhatsApp, whereas they are actually keeping up with each others' lives. It's the new way.

henetha Fri 03-Mar-17 11:18:08

Yes, me too, Happygran1964. My two sons get on o.k. when they meet, - which is rare. One son can't stand the wife of the other son, so they have drifted apart. I find this really distressing and have spent years trying to get them together. I have now given up and am just resigned to it.
But it's so sad, isn't it.

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 11:19:01

That's nice Lillie. They send the odd comment on Facebook but not much more. My eldest has alienated himself a little through his own behaviour sadly but I feel bad for him.

whitewave Fri 03-Mar-17 11:21:00

My two are chalk and cheese, but seem to accept that - as a result their lives are entirely different. However they always chat nineteen to the dozen at family get togethers, frequently ask how the other is, but never seem to have the need to contact each other although I think Facebook keeps them up to speed as far as I can make out.

The real test is if one or other is in trouble - thankfully extremely rarely. Then the other whizzes to help just as they both do if their parents are in deep doo doo.

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 11:23:38

Same here Henetha, my youngest can't stand my eldest's wife... I refuse to take sides as I love them all but eldest son's wife has managed to upset a few girlfriends over the years lol. It is a shame.

Lillie Fri 03-Mar-17 11:28:20

They will respect you for remaining neutral Happygran. I occasionally joke about one to the other, but am very careful not to criticise. You never know if the day will come when they will all be best of friends and your calm, non judgmental attitude will have been part of it.

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 11:37:26

Thank you Lillie. X

JackyB Fri 03-Mar-17 11:46:17

None of mine are on facebook, they are too computer savvy for that, but they do keep in touch as well as they can, being scattered all over the globe. It took a long time for them to team up as children, especially as there was a 5 year gap between the 2nd and 3rd one, but now they are great friends and play well with each others' children.

Luckygirl Fri 03-Mar-17 11:49:16

It must feel sad for you, but it sounds as though they are each leading their lives as they wish to, so that is good.

My 3 DDs get on very well together as adults and offer each other lots of support. I guess we are lucky in that, but it is nothing we have done; just as there is nothing you can do about your offspring seeing little of each other - but, as others have said, they may be chattering away 19 to the dozen on various bits of electronic kit. They have different personalities and now choose their own friends.

Please don't let it get you down - blooming menopause!

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 11:55:28

Thank you Lucky, much appreciated. I think girls tend to stick together more ( I might be completely wrong of course). We have three sons and one daughter so that could explain it lol. X

Ilovecheese Fri 03-Mar-17 12:03:06

I agree with what rosesared said about the possibility that they will become closer when they are older. I always envied my friend who has sisters, and couldn't understand why she didn't see more of them. She moved to the other end of the country from them. But now that she is in her sixties she has moved back to be closer to them, and sees a lot of them. So there is hope for the future, when lives are not so busy.

rosesarered Fri 03-Mar-17 12:10:05

Exactly Ilovecheese and the same has happened with me and my sister too, and now we are very

Ankers Fri 03-Mar-17 12:11:17

I had to nudge one of my sons at one point. He is happy in his own company at times. And then used to have the cheek to complain that we all didnt tell him things!
He has now learnt his lesson, and we all keep our eye on him that he doesnt drift too far. He wont do it again I dont think.

annsixty Fri 03-Mar-17 12:11:58

My 2 are 51 and 47,DandS. They don't say 4 words to each other in a year. No birthday cards or C.......s cards no phone calls. They have never fallen out,argued, just chalk and cheese and drifted apart.
I do not fret about it just accept.

Anya Fri 03-Mar-17 12:34:55

Makes me grateful that my son and daughter get on so well and encourage their children's relationship with their cousins to be close. Indeed my oldest GS (10) has ASD so his cousins are his best (and only) friends.

jusnoneed Fri 03-Mar-17 12:41:04

My eldest son has nothing to do with us so that means my two don't see each other now. Eldest did used to make excuse to go into place where younger son worked at one time, but now he's elsewhere there is no contact. There was a 12 year age gap which didn't help.
Youngest is much closer to his cousin, there is only 3 weeks difference in age between them and they have always done things together.
I only see my brother once in a blue moon, we have nothing in common and different sorts of lives. He moved house a couple years ago and while I know the name of the village I have no idea what his actual address is. Only hear about them via my dad or occasional contact with his daughter.

Sar53 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:51:40

My 2 DD'S live quite a distance from each other and live very different lives. They are not as close as I would like them to be but their DD'S get on very well when they spend time together. I think in an emergency they would rally around together.
I have 3 younger brothers and we are not close and don't see each other very often, but when mum and dad were alive and there were medical emergencies (and in later life there were many !!) We were all there when needed.

nanaK54 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:53:44

My sons run their own business together so therefore are 'always' together!
However, my (older) sister and (younger) brother have no time for each other at all - being the 'middle' one I do try hard to keep in touch with both of them but we are in no way 'close'. That said we all came together when our late mum was poorly and in need of help.

nanaK54 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:55:10

My sons run their own business together so therefore are 'always' together!
However, my (older) sister and (younger) brother have no time for each other at all - being the 'middle' one I do try hard to keep in touch with both of them but we are in no way 'close'. That said we all came together when our late mum was poorly and in need of help.

nanaK54 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:55:52

Sorry - no idea what I did there.....

TriciaF Fri 03-Mar-17 12:57:10

Our four do still keep in (distant) contact, eldest daughter tries to keep us all together, Bless her.
But I'm no role model in this, because I don't have much in common with my only sister.
Having said that, for the first time she did come to stay with us recently, we are in contact.
Another aspect, I've renewed contact recently with several of my cousins, who live in different parts of the world. I still feel the closeness we had in childhood.

polyester57 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:58:09

My brother and I are not particularly close. Both our parents were only children and I guess they just didn´t know how to encourage the bond between us. In addition my mother suffered from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and claimed to be unable to look after us both, so my brother was mainly brought up by relatives. Also, because of her NPD, mother liked to drive us apart, telling each of us in turn nasty things about the other. For many years my brother and I had minimal contact but in recent years (we are both in our 60s now), having learned and understood about my mother´s disorder, I resumed contact with him. It is still very one sided, but he does answer occasionally and we do feel some affection for each other. He is very close to his wife´s family, as I am to my husband´s siblings. I myself have two children and because of my own experience have encouraged them to look out for each other. They are now grown up and are very close, though my daughter is the one to initiate most of the contact, I think that´s just the way women are. They live in different countries and communicate mainly through the social media but we do all meet up for Christmas and for other family occasions. They don´t necessarily have to live in and out of each other´s pockets to feel close and I would hope that when they get older, as the pressures of work and family ease up, they will find more actual time for each other. After all, we all remember childhood very vividly throughout our lives, and your siblings are the only ones you can share those experiences with.