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To feel sad that my adult children don't really bother with each other much?

(98 Posts)
Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:51:35

As above, I wonder if any of you feel a little sad that their grown up children don't see much of each other? A close family has always been hugely important to me and my four were very close growing up but now everyone is so busy with their own lives.

I totally accept they grow up and live their own lives, as they should, but they just don't seem to bother much with each other and I think it's a real shame.

craftynan Sat 04-Mar-17 14:21:08

This has been such a useful discussion, showing me that my family is not unusual. DH and I are both "onlies" and my naive expectation was that our 2 DC would be best friends and we would have loads of family gatherings. It didn't turn out like that, even as children they were very different and have totally different lifestyles as adults. They are not particularly close and both seem to spend their time moaning about what the other is doing or hasn't done, or what their siblings DC are doing/not doing. I just leave them to it and make no comment - that in itself makes them think I am favouring the actions of the other, we just can't win!

Kim19 Sat 04-Mar-17 14:31:02

HappyGran1964.......I agree with you 100 per cent. Let's both keep smiling whilst licking our gentle wounds.

SandraK Sat 04-Mar-17 15:00:34

As an only child, with one DD, I don't have this problem. However, my partner is from a large family, as is my SIL. I see that the squabbles between them all are pretty common and, as other say, the just get on with their own lives these days. They seem to be there for one another in times of real trouble, and they keep in touch with parents. That is the real blessing! So, all the while you are the central point, let them get on with it, and enjoy them individually as much as you can. I have learned the hard way that they don't do things as we would want them to!

Meriel Sat 04-Mar-17 16:07:23

My brother and I were not particularly close as children, but now we are both grandparents. Although he lives in Cornwall and I live in Ireland we get along fine and see each other as much as possible. The same seems to be happening with my children.

Sheilasue Sat 04-Mar-17 16:16:06

I see my brother he doesn't live far from me. My sister lives in Berkshire and my h won't drive long distances now. So we don't see much of each other we phone or text though.
My daughter and my son were very close when they were young, only 22mnths between them but my son died so she misses him as we do.

Jacstir Sat 04-Mar-17 16:22:48

My children now live at opposite ends of Britain but we have a family WhatsApp group which is used just about every day so we can all keep in touch, send photos and join in discussions. It really helps!

Corncob Sat 04-Mar-17 16:36:02

My sons do not see much of each other. One is in the Navy and away a lot, neither of them lives close to each other. That does not mean that they do not love each other,and when the younger one gets to visit me we always all get together and the grandchildren can play together as well.My eldest son works shifts so I do not see much of him either even though he lives close to me. I just want my boys their wives and children to be happy even though my main companion is my dog.

Granmary18 Sat 04-Mar-17 17:06:54

My son and daughter were close as children but are very very different people with very different lives, attitudes and approaches to life. They will always help each other and us out but because of some fairly drastic religious and lifestyle differences, some tensions have appeared. I'm proud of them for keeping talking about the differences which are impacting on some important stuff in each others lives. We still meet up as a family with respective partners and things are ticking along okish!

GadaboutGran Sat 04-Mar-17 17:17:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheerfullizzy Sat 04-Mar-17 17:22:34

I really feel for all on here who feel their adult children don't stay close...thankfully my Son and Daughter are closer than ever after my daughter was away working in Scotland for three years and my son working in Richmond...but now my Daughter has moved back to London and bought her first house ten minutes away from my Son and his wife and baby Daughter...they all think the world of each other for which I'm so very grateful for, I'm truly blessed to have such caring children, and as an only child myself, I would have loved a brother to be close to...LIFE TAKES YOU MANY PLACES, BUT IT'S LOVE THAT BRINGS YOU HOME, don't you think?

pollyperkins Sat 04-Mar-17 17:24:15

I also recommend a family whatsapp group - I am in touch with all my grownup children and some of their other halves too. Hardly a day goes by without some sort of communication, photos etc. It's great! I think my sons get on better now they have wives who organise birthday cards & presents etc and keep the lines of communication open. The grandchildren all love seeing each other too - although they dont live close thy are invited to each other's birthday parties and we have big family get togethers from time to time (so many of us now it really means hiring a large 'cottage'.) So I think we are very lucky.

TwiceAsNice Sat 04-Mar-17 17:57:29

I wasn't close to my brother in childhood he is 7 years younger then me. I left home to marry when he was only 12. Later there were a lot of problems with my mother and husband not liking each other and I didn't see my mother for a long time and she poisoned my brother against me. He and I have had very sporadic contact between us as adults and now don't see each other at all. Most contact was initiated by me and I just gave up. I don't miss him as we never really ever had a relationship.

My daughters are extremely close they now live next door to each other, I think they became closer partly because their brother died in childhood and that affected us all. I now live really close and we all get on and see each other most days which is lovely.

Legs55 Sat 04-Mar-17 19:54:42

This thread has demonstrated how families can be. I'm an only, my DM is an only as is DD. My DD has DGS1 with DGS2 due in May so it will be interesting to see how close they become as there will be a 7 year age gap. I always wanted a large family, my DD DF had 4 DC, 1DS & 3DDs, we are really only in contact with 2 of them but they live far from us & are older than DD.

My DH had a DD & DS, we are still in contact with his DD & her family but have no contact with his DS since DH died, no loss as far as I'm concerned or DDgrin

DH had 1 B but they drifted apart but became closer before B died, mostly for DH's DM.

Families who'd have 'emgrin

EmilyHarburn Sun 05-Mar-17 10:56:57

It is hard to keep families together in this very busy world.

I think hosting family occasions is a very important part of keeping ones children in contact with each other. My sister in America is having a 50 wedding anniversary so I am taking my granddaughter and my other son is sending his daughter unaccompanied from Australia. Sadly cost means he cannot bring his whole family but that is life. Both our sons came to our 50th wedding anniversary 3 years ago when we paid for the Australian family to come over. and then last year for our son in england to attend the wedding of my Siter's son in USA.

We Skype from time to time but not on a regular basis however on Christmas day I had my portable with me whilst at son's house and son in Australia came on line so we had a really good chat.

I am attending family history classes run by Adult Learning and am hoping to write up a brief history of 5 generations for my grand children.

cassandra264 Wed 08-Mar-17 17:25:10

My brother and I no longer have anything to do with each other. There are all sorts of reasons for this - but I believe the heart of the problem is the fact that we grew up with very different values. Our parents crippled themselves to send him away to an expensive boarding school - which he hated and where he could not keep up with wealthier schoolmates - and he was very envious of my much happier situation at the school down the road. My husband had a similar experience in his family. We made sure our own children went to the same local school and got involved with local events. We think this helped - they are very different people but have a close, affectionate relationship which I am always thankful for.

cheerfullizzy Wed 15-Mar-17 17:58:48

Ladies..Can anyone tell me how to start a new thread please?...not great at tech...thanks!..x

Starlady Thu 16-Mar-17 07:33:46

Iv seen siblings who didn't get along become close as adults and siblings who were close as kids go their separate ways. Sometimes it was because of a falling out, but other times because one of them moved far away or they just grew into very different people. It hurts when people you love and are close to don't seem interested in each other. I feel for you Happygran and all the parents here in similar situations. But our grown "kids" are adults and have a right to do things their own way. As a pp said, we may not like it but we have to accept it.

They also have to work out their differences on their own, I think. Parents need to stay out of the middle. If they don't, they can actually make it worse. Iv seen it happen. They aren't little ones, it's not our job to mediate anymore and it doesn't usually help anyway. We can't make our wishes into their reality. We just can't.

Flossieturner Thu 16-Mar-17 08:11:30

cheerfullizzy click on Forums at the top left of the page. Scroll down to subject that best covers what you want to say. Click on that, then top left, click on Start a new thread on this topic.

Starlady Thu 16-Mar-17 13:05:17

Cheerfullizzy - To start a new thread, just click on a forum like this one (AIBU) and at the top, on the left, you'll see something that says, "Start a new discussion." Click on that and follow the instructions.

Starlady Thu 16-Mar-17 13:07:55

Sorry, Lizzy, I don't mean follow the instructions. You can sort of see what to do. Just type your words into the box, give it a title and press "Create a conversation" (or whatever it says).

cheerfullizzy Tue 28-Mar-17 16:44:10

Thanks ladies..xx

grannylyn65 Wed 26-Apr-17 18:05:50

All (3) different and not in contact unless in emergencies!