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To feel sad that my adult children don't really bother with each other much?

(98 Posts)
Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:51:35

As above, I wonder if any of you feel a little sad that their grown up children don't see much of each other? A close family has always been hugely important to me and my four were very close growing up but now everyone is so busy with their own lives.

I totally accept they grow up and live their own lives, as they should, but they just don't seem to bother much with each other and I think it's a real shame.

tanith Fri 03-Mar-17 13:00:44

My 2 girls are close and the cousins are in contact too, but my son lives abroad and keeps in touch rarely, doesn't do 'cards', although he always makes time for them if he is in the country or puts occasional updates on his little family on FB . He is in IT security and has no problem with using FB as long as the correct filters are in place.

mumofmadboys Fri 03-Mar-17 13:19:23

It is one of my sons birthday this weekend. I have E mailed my other sons to remind them! It will be a text , email or Facebook greeting.No cards/ presents I'm afraid. Girls I think are very different!

NfkDumpling Fri 03-Mar-17 13:37:55

My three got on very well as children but have developed very different lives, interests, jobs and thus wealth. They have little in common. They didn't keep in touch much apart from general stuff on Facebook. Now though I'm part of a WhatsApp group with them. Wonderful! Sometimes days can go by with no word but not weeks. It's used to swop photos, general chat and often more. At the moment we're all supporting DD1 whose very elderly cat is slowly dying. Technology has brought them a lot closer.

BlueBelle Fri 03-Mar-17 13:50:43

No Happygrsn and mumofmadboys I girls not are necessarily better at being together My three (2girls1boy) grew up great friends now it breaks my heart that they have little or no interest in each other My eldest daughter wants contact and says she may as well have been an only child there is no closeness and little contact We rarely have the chance to get together through geography .... my sons wife is good at birthdays/ Christmas etc but my youngest girl has completely pulled away although there's never been a falling out my eldest always sends out birthdays /Christmas presents to all her nieces and nephews but rarely even a card from the youngest to her nieces and nephews It hurts me more than anyone could know (being an only child myself) ?

rosesarered Fri 03-Mar-17 13:54:30

Sympathy Bluebelle as I have much the same scenario?

cornergran Fri 03-Mar-17 14:05:13

Our sons lead very different lives, differing work patterns, interests, career choices and have very different personalities. They do 'see' each other on Facebook, mostly about cars or children I suspect. There is a family WhatsApp group for us all, which helps us keep in touch as we don't use Facebook. I do notice our daughters in law are in touch with their sisters far more than our sons contact each other, they seem much more intuitive with each other, both are very good at remembering birthdays fortunately. We do have family time, usually for birthdays and Christmas, they try very hard to be there, currently trying to plan a weekend together, a logistical nightmare! I was an only child so didn't have a clue how siblings might get along. I have seen that if one of them was in trouble the other will do all they could to help. I've concluded that means a lot and their relationship works for them but, yes, sometimes I'm sad and wish it were different.

CassieJ Fri 03-Mar-17 14:08:07

I have 3 adult sons and a teenage one. The adult ones were all brought up together and all got along. As adults they have all gone different ways and rarely keep in touch with each other. There will be an odd comment on Facebook very occasionally, and that is it.
But when we all meet up and get together they all get along fine and chat away.

To me, they are adults and it is up to them what they do. I never remind each one of the other birthdays either as it isn't my place. I had a MIL who used to do this to my ex husband and I found it very annoying.

Lona Fri 03-Mar-17 14:33:18

I have a daughter and a son close in age, the three of us have been through years of upset due to their father, and daughter and son have had a period of estrangement in the past. I worked hard (and carefully) to bring them close again.
Now they are at loggerheads again and I've had a very upsetting week. I can't be piggy in the middle anymore, I just can't cope with any more upset.
I am resigned to let it go but we three are really the only close family we've got, and it breaks my heart that we can't all be together.

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 14:35:32

Sympathy Bluebelle, it really hurts doesn't it. At least we know we are not alone. flowers

Happygran1964 Fri 03-Mar-17 14:36:25

Sad to hear that Lona, I hope it all blows over. X flowers

Lona Fri 03-Mar-17 16:51:52

Happygran thanks xx.
Thank goodness for Gnet.

jogginggirl Fri 03-Mar-17 16:58:40

Lona I'm so sorry that you are broken hearted ? I do understand, my children are not at all close - although would walk through fire if the need ever arose! They are as different as chalk and cheese and I love them both dearly, but sometimes I feel as though I am treading on hot coals ?

Anya I love that your DGC are so close, especially for your oldest GS ❤️ even though my DS and DD are not I continue to encourage a good relationship between the cousins and mostly achieve it as they are both only children.....

kittylester Fri 03-Mar-17 17:39:23

Lona, I too hope they get over their problems with each other.

Our 3 daughters get on well and each has 2 children all close in age so they do lots of things together. The boys, however, have to be nudged - which the girls do. DS1 has no children and DS2 has 2 older boys - that is maybe the difference.

Social media is, I think, a big help in easy chatting without too much effort.

Anya Fri 03-Mar-17 18:05:01

Lona I hope things get better. You all need each other.

watermeadow Fri 03-Mar-17 18:28:08

My lot communicate often on Facebook but not often in person. Two are very close. As is common in larger families one of mine is an odd one out and not close to any of the others. She was bullied by one of her sisters and just withdrew from them all. I was unable to help (no Mumsnet then to ask how to handle it) and deeply regret it.

cornergran Fri 03-Mar-17 18:57:54

Oh lona, couldn't you just bang their heads together? Of course you can't, but the temptation must be real. Sadly probably best to leave them to it. They may gravitate back to each other in time, I so hope they do. take care.

Lona Fri 03-Mar-17 19:34:50

Thank you all ??

Jalima Fri 03-Mar-17 20:05:25

Two of mine are chalk and cheese and are just about to spend the weekend together grin (but not with me!)

MargaretX Fri 03-Mar-17 21:30:54

When I came to Germany it was hard to find friends especially on high days and holidays but I did make friends eventually and then in retirement all these friends have rediscovered their brothers and sisters and there is a lot of late bonding going on.

Perhpas it is the care of the parents or not having young childen az home which pulls them together again.

DH hardly ever saw his brother but the last visit which we made because we were in the area where he lived was such a good afternoon and all enjoyed themselves.
They are both over 70.
I'm sure your children will appreciate each other when their lives have slowed down a bit.

jogginggirl Fri 03-Mar-17 21:39:45

That is such a positive comment MargaretX - and I do hope that my children will 'appreciate each other more when their lives have slowed down a bit' ...
I look forward to that time ?

Deedaa Fri 03-Mar-17 22:34:29

Well DD and her husband live next door to DS and his girlfriend so I think you can take it that they are close. Admittedly DS wonders how she has stood 20 years of her husband and she wonders why he couldn't have found a less complicated girlfriend, but they don't say it to each other.

NfkDumpling Sat 04-Mar-17 06:48:13

Bluebell, I'm the same as you - an only child with two DDs and a DS. It's only recently, since DS produced a DS of his own that he's re-established a link with his DSs. Having children has given them all a common link although parenting methods are very different they offer advice and support between them.

WhatsApp has been a boon. I recommend it! Although it was just DiL who was on with us before DS joined the group. Now it's the five of us. SiLs have declined. Chat can get a bit feminine at times but having two DSs DS is used to that. They were friends on Facebook before - but that was along with hundreds of other frends. They're more open and frank on WhatsApp. The conversation bounced back and forth last night for hours on and off (the cat is now deceased - see above!) and it was soo good to see it.

With persistence I manage to get the lot together at Easter as a whole family (I gave up on Christmas years ago - too much competition from other commitments/family and the weather). It is chaos. Before DD2 moved closer it meant 8 adults, 4 DGC and 4 DGDogs in a 3 bed cottage. The DGC now insist as it means an Easter Egg hunt around our garden so I have backup. This year, for the first time ever, me having said the GC were too big and we didn't have room, DS, who has also just moved nearby, has offered to have all the GC for a sleep over!!

If your DC have merely drifted apart, hang in there. Things can change!

NfkDumpling Sat 04-Mar-17 06:53:28

Sorry, Lona just read back up thread. I do hope things sort themselves out. Perhaps when things calm down and they realise how upset you are and what it means to have you all together as a family. flowers

Norah Sat 04-Mar-17 07:02:03

Happygran1964, no, you're not unreasonable to feel sad. My AC are busy and they don't see as much of each other as I'd like. My brothers and I make more time for each other than our children make for each other. My middle brother is catalyst for family gatherings. He's pushy like that, maybe a male trait?

NfkDumpling Sat 04-Mar-17 07:17:45

Perhaps it's because nowadays our DC often live further away and both partners are more likely to be working full time and there's so much for children to do by way of out of school activities. I remember the fun juggling of getting our lot to various clubs and I only worked part time. I was very much in a support role and had both DPs living fairly close for emergencies. Something has to give and family is the obvious one. The feeling is that family is always there and can be picked up again while friendships have to be maintained or they dissolve.