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Invited a friend and she's invited a friend - and we share the cost???

(93 Posts)
Clematisa Sat 15-Apr-17 16:08:33

A friend took me to hospital just before Christmas, I missed a special dinner at a local restaurant and was reimbursed with a voucher and I already had another voucher for same restaurant, so I invited the lady who'd taken me to the hospital to have lunch as an "extra thank-you" as I'd already reimbursed her and given her a gift for all her trouble. She has just e-mailed me with this... I'll be coming over with a friend next week so we could all have lunch "and if you didn't mind I thought we could use your vouchers and then just divide the rest of the bill between the three of us"
What do you think? I was a bit taken aback, to say the least! I haven't responded so far as don't quite know what to say!!!

ginny Sat 15-Apr-17 16:13:42

Err, no.

ginny Sat 15-Apr-17 16:20:05

Pressed too soon.

So from having a free meal yourself and for your friend, you are now being asked to contribute to a meal for a friend of a friend.

Rather rude if you ask me.

Jayanna9040 Sat 15-Apr-17 16:23:10

Perhaps she's just not very good at maths. Think Id just reply Oh as you are busy with your friend let's make another date.

Ana Sat 15-Apr-17 16:23:52

Not sure. It sounds reasonable in one respect and not in another. How close a friend is she to you? Do you know the other person?

Coolgran65 Sat 15-Apr-17 16:33:37

I'm with Jayanna. Just you and you friend. Perhaps you're not available on her given date ?

harrigran Sat 15-Apr-17 16:43:04

I think I would be tempted to contact the 'friend' and say you had accidentally double booked the day and regret that you will have to reschedule and then conveniently forget, if she is a friend she will get the message.

rosesarered Sat 15-Apr-17 16:45:55

I think that you have already done enough ( in reimbursement) for the friend giving you a lift to the hospital, and I would say something along the lines of you are not feeling well enough at the moment.What should happen is that the friend who you are offering to treat, shares her voucher with her own friend, but clearly that isn't going to happen.Put her off for now, and go along with another friend at a later date.

Craicon Sat 15-Apr-17 17:00:15

Why can't you be fairly blunt and simply say 'that you were looking forward to lunch and catching up with your friend and really rather not extend the invitation to an unknown third party. And you know the old saying two's company and three's a crowd'...
Your friend was rather rude to just invite her friend to tag along at your expense so I think you should call her on it.

However, as she did you a favour giving you a lift, I'm wondering if she is normally a kindly sort and has a habit of picking up waifs and strays?

Grannyknot Sat 15-Apr-17 17:09:27

You're being asked (and she says "if you don't mind ...") to pay one-third of a meal for enjoying the company of your friend, and someone else. Unless it's a very expensive restaurant, that's not too bad. I'd maybe say "Sure, if you pay for the drinks". At least she asked in advance!

Reminds me of years ago when my son had a new girlfriend and her parents invited us to dinner at a restaurant with the two lovebirds. They ordered with aplomb and when it came to time to pay the bill, her dad said "Let's split it and your half is XX". My husband pulled out his wallet, put the cash down and then her dad pulled out vouchers to cover their half only! We thought that mean odd, seeing as they invited us. It's a funny old world.

janeainsworth Sat 15-Apr-17 17:33:51

Presumably the girlfriend didn't last, gk grin

clematisa It's only money, and a third of a lunch wouldn't come to very much. It sounds as though your friend has done a lot for you.
But I might feel awkward having lunch with someone I didn't know. It certainly wouldn't be the same as just being you and your friend.

Whatever you say to her, be honest. If it's the money, you will have to say so. If it's having lunch with a stranger, say you'd rather go another time when it's just you and her.

I do think she's put you in a difficult position. She should really have said she would go halves with her friend so that you could use one of the vouchers for yourself.

Rigby46 Sat 15-Apr-17 17:57:09

Flipping 'eck Nora - firstly if all the friend did was take you to hospital ( as kind as that was) , I think your original gift and reimbursement (what was that?) was quite sufficient. The lunch thing is beyond the pale on all counts. I'd just do what some others have suggested and say lets make it another time when you're not with a friend. GK shock. I have a 'Tastecard' which costs £40 a year. Whenever we use it with friends, we always say we'll split the bill ( although our 'proper share' would be quite a bit less than half) - I find meanness one of the most unattractive traits in a person

Rigby46 Sat 15-Apr-17 18:03:39

Humm - not sure my post reads very logically. I suppose I'm trying to say that there's a difference between not being mean and not wanting to be taken advantage of. For example, if I invite people out for a meal, then they can have whatever they want. But I know one person that if we go out in a group, she'll drink far more than anyone else ( that's another story) and always eat the most expensive things on the menu and is always the first to say, let's just split the bill shall we? I try and avoid eating out with her now.

TerriBull Sat 15-Apr-17 18:32:08

Like you Rigby46 I also have a Taste Card, over the course of a year they are good value. Occasionally we use it with friends, more often I take it if I am having lunch with a girlfriend, then we split the bill using it which reduces it for both of us.

I'm not mad about the presumption of bringing "another/others" when you have made arrangements to go out for a meal, it just changes the dynamic aside from the cost. We know at least 2 couples who do this saying something like "hope you don't mind we've asked so and so along", of late we've been blunt and said "yes we do" because based on past experience, their shared mutual history has excluded us from mundane conversation on niche interest/situation, for instance the school their children attended a while ago or work. I'd try and be diplomatic Clamatisa and respond politely with "I'm sorry but could we just make it the two of us, I wasn't expecting the lunch to include someone else"

Mauriherb Sat 15-Apr-17 19:38:43

If I have a voucher I deduct it from the total bill but one of my friends will use her voucher to reduce her bill only. Like many others I'm happy to share but I don't like to be taken advantage of. I feel for the OP as she is not going to be happy whatever she decides, her friend is out of order imo

Oldcroc17 Sat 15-Apr-17 19:53:35

I agree with most and think it's off for your friend to presume you would agree to the arrangement.I think you have two options which have already been banded!
a) make an excuse and cancel the lunch or b) go with it and split the bill. If it was me, provided she wasn't a really close friend, I would cancel.

Eloethan Sat 15-Apr-17 20:02:53

I was recently given two free tickets to an art exhibition. I invited two longstanding and very good friends and said we would split the cost of the one extra ticket between the three of us. My friends were adamant that they'd pay half each of the cost of the additional ticket. I don't know why - I thought I was lucky to have the two free tickets so I was quite happy to pay for only one third of a ticket.

That is different from your scenario because this lady is asking someone that you don't know. It wouldn't be the money that would bother me (though I can see that some people might think it a bit cheeky), but the fact that I didn't know the person and might not feel that comfortable. On that level, I think it is perhaps discourteous of your friend.

However, if it were me and the person concerned was a good friend of mine, I think I would go along with it as I wouldn't want something relatively minor like this to risk spoiling the friendship. If she did something similar again, I would be less accommodating.

If it really rankles with you, it is probably best to be honest and say, as you haven't had the opportunity to get to know the other person, you would prefer only the two of you to have lunch.

antheacarol Sat 15-Apr-17 20:09:49

I think that is wrong why would she think that you would want to spend time with her friend? Do you know her friend?
I would just tell her something's come up and you are sorry but you can't make it.
I would be angry because I don't like anyone spending my money for me.

M0nica Sat 15-Apr-17 20:53:30

The OP has two vouchers for a free meal. Rather than have two separate meals on her own she has invited a friend who has been helpful to join her. So far so good.

This friend then decides, unilaterally, to bring another friend, not known to the OP and then expects the OP to contribute to the cost of this friend's meal?! I call that being brass necked. If the third person comes they should pay for their own meal.

Personally, I would find some reason to cancel the lunch (you hadn't realised vouchers had expired?) and then invite a another friend with better manners to lunch.

Bobbysgirl19 Sat 15-Apr-17 21:41:03

A bit presumptuous of your friend to make suggestions of how you spend your vouchers I think, is she going to be doing the driving? If she is providing you with transport there and back, I might possibly go along with the suggestion (for a quiet life), and if it wasn't too expensive a place.

If on the other hand I thought I was getting taken advantage of, I would just say something had cropped up and so you would have to cancel!

f77ms Sat 15-Apr-17 22:23:57

What a cheek ! , I would do as Harrigran suggests . Unless she is very thick skinned she will `get it` that you are not impressed .

FarNorth Sat 15-Apr-17 22:55:14

Why are so many people suggesting the OP should make an excuse.

Why not be straightforward, as Jayanna suggested?

Just say you'll reschedule for a date she's not busy with another friend.

Christinefrance Sun 16-Apr-17 08:32:32

I agree with Jayanna and FarNorth, just reschedule. I find people are often quite mean when it comes to paying a shared bill and this really alters my opinion of them. The enjoyment of the meal is marred if there is a niggle over the bill.

IngeJones Sun 16-Apr-17 08:40:44

Just be "busy" that day. No need for any conflict with your friend. The whole thing will pass unremarked.

PamQS Sun 16-Apr-17 08:45:01

I have a friend who complicates arrangements like this, I think because she can't say no to people. Last time I arranged to see her, it ended up involving going to all sorts of other things to fit round her day, including going for a coffee on my own while she did something else! So in the end, I just said 'It sounds as if you're too busy to see me' and rearranged. I think it's weird of her to want to chip in for a shared meal with someone you don't know. You've invited her for a meal, not her friend!