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AIBU to want to tell a mum to stop it!

(73 Posts)
NanaandGrampy Tue 04-Jul-17 13:41:26

I might need a slap for thinking this so thought I would ask your opinions.

My daughter is playground friends with another mum. She has 2 children , they are the ages of my 2 youngest grandsons. The mums chat while waiting for the children and often go to the park afterwards.

The problem has arisen on several occasions where this other mum either on purpose or accidently makes my 5 year old DGS cry.

These are 2 example :- He comes out with 10 stickers on his shirt, he got them for some good written work and learning some difficult words. Obviously , his mum praises him for a good job. The other Mum says' where did you get those? Did you steal them?'

'No' says my grandson ' I earned them for good work'.

The other Mum then goes on and on about it until he bursts into tears because he knows stealing is bad.

Secondly, our DGS is a bit of a car buff and has been since he could talk. He knows all the makes and models and can recognise them even from a side on view. He told the other little boy' I know everything about cars' and the Mum replied' No you don't. No-one knows everything.'

He says that he does and she then launched into a long speech about you don't, no one does, you cant say that etc etc.

He cries.

Now I know he doesn't know everything and I can see if your son came out with no stickers, seeing a chest full on another child might be mildly annoying if you were that way inclined but I am fed up with her behaviour.

My DGS is not perfect but he's a kind hearted , smart little chap who has a passion for cars.

Its almost as those this mum is in competition with him somehow.

When it happens next time in front of me would it be unreasonable for me to say something? Or am I just being a Nana who doesn't like to see her little chap upset?

mumofmadboys Tue 04-Jul-17 13:49:50

Is your daughter hurt by it? If she is, the friendship us likely to fade.

ninathenana Tue 04-Jul-17 13:52:29

I think it's your DD that needs to say something. This woman sounds like a mean piece of work. At the very least she has no idea how to relate to children. I feel sorry for hers.

Elegran Tue 04-Jul-17 13:54:23

It is the other mum who needs a slap, if she can't see a child doing well without knocking him back. No need to belittle him deliberately. His stickers and car knowledge don't lessen her own child's abilities by a whisker.

If she had done that in front of me, I'd have said something like "Oh, he does know a lot about cars, more than I do certainly! It is his favourite hobby. They all have one - what is your child interested in?" Then I'd have asked the other child about whatever THEIR thing was, showing the jealous mother how it should be done.

Maybe the other child also gets the "You are actually really dumb" treatment from her too.

Ana Tue 04-Jul-17 13:55:00

I can't believe your daughter just stood by and allowed her son to be treated like that! confused

Charleygirl Tue 04-Jul-17 13:55:03

N&G I would be praising Jackson for his good work and as for Cooper I would be asking him questions because I know zilch about cars. I would also be telling him how clever he is. I would say something- it is unfair to make these fellows cry. Have I got the correct children, I do get their names muddled.

NanaandGrampy Tue 04-Jul-17 14:37:38

Yes my daughter is hurt by it Nina but also bewildered. She praises the other woman's child if he has a sticker etc .

We just had a long chat about it, my daughter is generous and likes to give someone the benefit of the doubt ( me ....I'm more of a lioness where my grandchildren are concerned smile . So thus far she has let it ride , not correcting the other woman but instead telling her child that she is proud of him etc.

I think you're right Elegran , she does use negative words even to her own children. Whilst I'm not big on the ' you're the best in the world ' train of thought, I do think praise where praise is due especially to little ones.

I think the first time Ana my daughter brushed it off , but now this has happened on a few occasions she wants to nip it in the bud before she gives her both barrels ??

You have them correct Charley ?

Thank you all for your input - I like to check before I run someone over with my mobility scooter ??

sunseeker Tue 04-Jul-17 14:52:38

This woman sounds like a bully. Next time she does it (and she will do it again) just interrupt her and tell her how proud you are of the GC, if she persists then take her to one side and have a quiet word telling her it is unacceptable behaviour.(personally I think I would take her behind a tree and give her a slap wink)

Greenfinch Tue 04-Jul-17 14:55:39

I could not bring myself to be friendly with someone so lacking in social skills.Anyone who cannot treat children with respect does not deserve friendship especially when she sees him crying.Avoid her like the plague.

Ana Tue 04-Jul-17 14:56:01

Yes, a bit of heavy-handed teasing is one thing, but making a child cry - and not just once - is more like bullying! angry

MawBroon Tue 04-Jul-17 14:58:35

I too would be a lioness and I hope your DD has inherited the gene!
But spare a thought for the other child. If his mother is like that with your DGSs what must she be like with her own children? sad but angry

POGS Tue 04-Jul-17 15:27:15

I must admit I would ask her 'What does she get out of making children cry'.

It is a sad point to make but there are people who enjoy this behaviour and your daughter perhaps could ask herself if by being silent she is 'abetting' her behaviour.

I am sure your daughter is mindfull of the fact your grandson has to be integrated into the social scheme of things but there is no requirement to accept this behaviour at the expense of his happiness.

I am sure kids will be kids and left alone they will play nicely together so I think I would remove myself from the mothers company and watch how the two play together. Her kind of behaviour is likely to transfer onto her child and that is something to watch out for sadly.

Good luck. We are at times all capable of being over protective but she does sound like a childish woman or at least incapable of knowing how her behaviour comes across. Just a quick question do the other mothers keep a distance from her or do they engage with her on the same level as your daughter. If other mums keep a distance perhaps you are not alone in your concerns.

Smileless2012 Tue 04-Jul-17 15:28:44

I think it's time for your DD to use 'both barrels' NandG. TBH if I were your D I'd have nipped it in the bud the first time it happened.

TBH if something like that regarding my GC were to happen in front of me, I'd have loaded both barrels and fired the shot without even thinking about itblush. I agree with Ana; it's bullyingangry.

Eloethan Tue 04-Jul-17 15:29:48

When I was little, because my hair was fine and flyaway (and because she was a not very good frustrated hairdresser), sometimes my Mum used to cut it much too short.

The gentleman who lived next door to my grandparents was Chilean. His idea of being friendly and playful was to tease me about my hair and call me "little boy". I used to feel quite embarrassed and uncomfortable about this. As I grew older and got used to this man, I realised that he was nice and it was just friendly teasing. In retrospect I wonder if it was possibly a cultural thing - not necessarily cultural in the sense of nationality but in the way that different families interact differently.

Is this lady making these comments in a jokey way or in a serious, obviously vindictive way? In either case, I would be inclined to speak to her calmly on her own and tell her that her remarks may not be meant unkindly but they were causing distress to my son. If the behaviour continued, I think that would suggest nastiness. In any event, if the remarks continued to be made, I would definitely make a point of avoiding her.

whitewave Tue 04-Jul-17 15:31:59

If an adult is using their power to tease a child until they become tearful, they either need telling in so uncertain terms or avoided.

Jalima1108 Tue 04-Jul-17 16:08:27

I agree with what everyone else has said. It's cruel and it is bullying.

If you need a push in the right direction N&G to give you a bit more speed on your mobility scooter, I'm your woman!

f77ms Tue 04-Jul-17 16:18:05

I agree with all the above , she sounds mildly jealous to me and needs telling . I would be a Lioness too xx

trisher Tue 04-Jul-17 17:01:52

There's teasing, which is fine, just a mild ribbing about something doesn't do any harm and children quite often appreciate it and can see the funny side, and will even sometimes develop a nice line in come backs. Then there is bullying, which if a child is made to cry is exactly what this is. I would suggest your DD gives her a hard stare and asks "Does that make you feel big?" when this woman makes your GS cry, but I have an awful feeling she would come back with some nonsense about "toughening him up'.
I think your DD may need to decide if she really wants to be friends with this woman. If so she should quietly ask her before the children come out of school if she could be a little less abrasive and leave your GS alone. Then if the woman continues and she senses your GS is getting upset she should interrupt before he cries with something like "I think you should drop that now". If the woman doesn't respond or takes offence your DD needs to consider how important this friendship is to her.

WilmaKnickersfit Tue 04-Jul-17 17:56:38

Is the bullying mother popular with other mothers? This could also be a Queen Bee situation.

harrigran Tue 04-Jul-17 18:17:01

There is no law which says that your DD should stand beside or indeed talk to this woman, position herself away from her and she will probably get the message. Have others started avoiding her, she is a bully.

merlotgran Tue 04-Jul-17 18:22:09

Don't get mad, get even. Maybe your DD could give her the cold shoulder and let some of the other mums know why.

NanaandGrampy Tue 04-Jul-17 18:31:55

She is one of a group of 4 mums which my daughter talks to. The consensus is she is always keen to help but can be incredibly tactless and somewhat competitive . If you have a black cat , hers is blacker !

Her son and my grandson are in the same class and are friends but you are absolutely right in saying her behaviour is rubbing off on her children. The little boy respects no boundaries at all.

My daughter has decided , having given her the benefit of the doubt, the next time she starts she'll definitely nip it in the bud . I don't think the mum is necessarily being vindictive, and if she said something and let it go it wouldn't be such an issue but she is like a dog with a bone !!

I have the pleasure of her company at sports day next week, if you see someone with tyre tracks on her..... that's her !!

ElaineI Tue 04-Jul-17 18:42:14

I am appalled by this - what a horrible woman to make a little boy cry like that! I think after the second time it happened I would tell the woman that it is out of order to carry on like that and I would not be speaking to her again! It sounds like how abusive people take away the self esteem and confidence of their victims going on and on at them! Your poor little grandson is probably now worried coming up to his mummy if that woman is present!

Kittye Tue 04-Jul-17 18:58:01

All I can say is that she sounds a nasty piece of work. If I was your daughter I would avoid this bully ?

GillT57 Tue 04-Jul-17 19:10:53

What do these bloody women get out of this? My DD rushed up to her friend's mother to tell her that her brother had passed an important (to him) exam, the woman threw cold water on the news by pointing out that lots of people hadn't passed the exam and that she shouldn't boast. My daughter was 8, and thrilled by her brother's news. All these years later, she remembers that afternoon.