Ungrateful Son

Reading this post makes me so grateful for my DD, I lived too faraway when DGS1 was small so could offer little practical help apart from a week when he was born. Now I live closer when DGS2 was born I was around for initial transport needs (luckily no emergency c section this time) I have not been needed to help out but I am there if required.

DD has a good network of friends who love to help out with transport to/from school for DGS1 if necessary. DD is grateful for anything I do for them. DD has not worked since DGS1 was born as her OH is disabled & she is the registered carer however this means relying on benefits.

My DM had my DD when she was small occasionally otherwise it was a childminder. DM & Step-F had DD during school holidays when I returned to College (after her F walked out on us when she was 4 years old) & a neighbour took her to'from school with her own children.

When I met my late DH we moved 250 miles away, childminder during term time & some summer holiday & half term spent with my DM & Step-F. We always arranged to meet half way for exchange.

I'm sure a lot of DC don't see any further than their own needs & forget what other commitments you may have, you need to set firm boundaries on the level of childcare you can give, taking your DGC to allow your DiL a "duvet day" is not acceptable, she's obviously not ill if she's planning to watch tv all day

Don't be "blackmailed" just quietly point out to your S baby was their choice & you will do what you have said regarding childcare when DiL goes back to work

I agree that your son and DIL are being unreasonable. I have looked after my 2 GSs for a number of years - like you, dropping my working week to 3 days willingly. My lovely D has always 'worked round' what I was able to offer and organises her working week so that we share school pick-ups etc. During school holidays she makes sure that she and hubby spread out their holiday entitlements and shares care with friends and family and thus giving us a break. She always asks and never assumes that I will be available or change any plans I might have. Stick to your guns. Looking after children whilst parents catch up on sleep is one thing ... catching up with Soaps is quite another. All the best.

Yet again, a story that makes me feel better about not having kids.

Your DS and DIL are very lucky to have 1 day free childcare. You work 3 days per week and have arranged your work hours or days to help out with their childcare. I would be angry if my son suggested I had the baby so his wife could do house work and have a rest. That was not the arrangement.

sheian I'm totally in agreement with you on this one and find it impossible to understand those that disagree!

You're still working yet you've reorganised your life to spend a day a week looking after your GC. I think that's really lovely of you and I hope you enjoy it.

If my son was angry because I didn't want to commit to giving up another day so his partner could "do the housework, cook etc", he would be given a straightforward NO!
Has he even thought about when you get your own house sorted. I doubt it.

In fact your DIL fancied catching up on sleep and TV! Almost funny that she told you her plans when you turn up at 7am to collect GC. Yawn yawn I'm going back to bed.

My 4+ years childcare stint ends at the end of next week. I can't wait to get the carpets cleaned and the decorators in!!!

My DIL rang me yesterday to discuss my year old GDs tonsillitis blah blah! She then says why don't you come up at the weekend "for the day" to give my son a hand as she's having a spa day! I never go for the day, too much driving!
Bl**dy spa day ..... Yes I quite fancy one of those.

What's wrong with our incredibly selfish offspring!

You're right. Your son is wrong. Tell then to get a daily!

To "Paddyann", I think it is your comment that is really "Harsh", the person asking for advice must feel really great after reading it. No one minds helping out but being taking advantage of is another thing all together. If you did this for your family then you were definitely being took advantage of and being walked all over by them. All the other comments could see the inner picture of helping out and the picture of being took for granted. Your comment "quote": I'm generally pleased "unquote", means you are not generally pleased "all" the time to look after your grandchildren, so that is a bit of double-standards to me. Look after your grand children when you are available and to genuinely help your family out and if they take exception and blackmail you as to seeing your grandchildren then it proves beyond doubt they are just being very selfish and giving no thought as to their parents quality of life. Just because you brought your own children into the world and brought them up it does not mean you automatically qualify as baby-sitters for your grand children when they go to work. She even cut her own full time work down to 3 days just to accomodate them, so how on earth can you call her "Harsh". I looked after my three gandchildren from babies till they left school and started work them-selves while my daughter and son-in-law both worked because I worked evenings so I was able to do so.

I dont think you are being harsh at all, i have had to do this sometimes, but if they want children they should be prepared to look after them
Fair enough if its because dil had to work or in an emergency, but just to stay in bed all day no, not on a regular basis anyway
I have in the past given up my days to babysit, but then it gets to more and more times
Be strong, stick to your guns

I seem to be alone on this ,I dont think ONE day a week is a lot of help .I too didn't have help with mine

No you're not alone paddyann I agree with you.

I look after my grandchildren because I want to. Yes it's a great help to their parents (who both work) but it also brings me and DH a lot of joy too.

Grandparents used to be the frosting on the cake for the children...not the cake. When did our children decide that our retirements or semi retirements needed to be replaced with care taking? My grandparents were wonderful and watched us when my parents went out of town or when there was an emergency and mom was sick. Then they would take us when ThEY wanted and would ask us to stay over or go somewhere with them. There was no expectation of " I will have a baby and my mom will babysit."
Such entitlement.
You are right to do what your needs dictate as this is your time in life to do what you want when not working. If they want to be mad let them.

My children do not expect me to look after my grandchildren. I do it because I choose to and love to and because they spend so much time at mine, we are very close. I also do it because my own parents never, ever looked after my children and yet my grandparents looked after my sister and I frequently.

Were my parents selfish? Yes I think they were a bit.

Paddyann and gillybob - I think one day a week is not an unreasonable ask either ...

But there seem to be several points of discussion / debate:

Sheian - I don't think it unreasonable that you are making the most of time before starting up this commitment in August, when you know it will then be hard and fast and this is the last little bit of flexibility you may have.

Your Son does seem to have wanted to take your help for granted, but then we don't know all of his and DIL's circumstances.

My DD had a baby (now 18 months) who never slept well - woke 3 or 4 times everynight and only slept for about 20 minutes in the day - totally exhausting and I could see that she battled with mild depression. She wasn't being lazy, she needed support. Sometimes as the 'inlaw' daughter, it is really hard to be open about struggling to cope and maybe she is extremely worn, but has put on a bright face to you?

Maybe your DS has also been eager for you to get established in a routine that overlaps and transitions with your DIL's return to work, thinking it will benefit you too.

Whilst he has 'taken the news badly' - do you think you could seek to have better communication between you both? Maybe he has some anxieties he hasn't shared, maybe he needs a better understanding of your limits.

It is sad to read that you feel he is ungrateful and disrespectful - these are hard words - and he and his partner may be in great need of your assistance. A first baby is a crisis even when everything goes relatively smoothly, but young people today are often under so much more pressure than we were.

I hope you find positive solutions between you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel upset at this situation as it does sound like your son and dil are being a bit demanding when you are the one doing the favour. Have you considered though that they may not view it this way? They may have thought that you would like to have the extra time with your grandchild and be hurt that you appear to only want to look after them if no-one else is available or view it as a chore rather than a pleasure. With regards to how dil spends her free time, if this is the first day she has had to herself since having her child I can understand she may not have wanted to spend it cleaning - it doesn't mean that she planned to spend all those days relaxing and she and your son may well have felt a bit judged by your reaction. Having said that, it is of course your right to say no to caring for their child and they have to accept that. Hope you manage to find a solution that works for you all.

Forgive a second bite at this cherry. I saw red when I read that the OP's DiL wanted a day when she could do housework and cooking. What is wrong with your DS? If he were a 'new man' as are many of his contemporaries, he would play his part in these domestic activities.

Childcare for family has to be worked out on a proper basis and talked about. It sounds as if your ideas and your DS's ideas were very different and so you have come to argue about it. There seem to be some set opinions on both sides and flexibility and compromise are always needed. I don't think he has any right to demand when you provide childcare if it is not something you have already committed to. On the other hand I don't think you have any right to say what your DIL does while you are caring for their child. If she is just returning to work the child must be around 1 year and we all know how exhausting that time is. Perhaps what you all need to do is put this behind you accept that things haven't worked properly and concentrate on working out a child care arrangement that you will all be happy with. It would be a pity if you missed out on looking after your GC it is hard work but so enjoyable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My son and family live about 20 miles away from me. I don't drive and I have a medical condition which impacts on my ability to visit him. His partner's mother looks after my grandchild all the time and is doing the same with my new grandson. She is always round at their house, taking meals round etc, etc. Its a very co-dependent relationship which I don't think is very healthy.

My son told me last year that his family don't do enough to help out. I told him that even if I lived round the corner from him i wouldn't and couldn't do what his partner's mother does. I would love to be able to look after my grandchild now and again but I really think that a lot of sons and daughters expect too much of the grandparents.

I told my son that I have brought him and his sister up to be independent. that is not to say i wouldn't help them out in an emergency, I would do and have done.

When I had my two children I never expected anyone to step in to look after them. I had no family support (my mother died when I was very young) and I didn't expect my mother-in-law to step in as she had brought up six children. She had done her bit!! She did babysit now and again and I was grateful for that but no way would I have expected her to do it on a regular basis!
Having children means making sacrifices and it seems to me that the younger generation aren't prepared to do that.

You are entitled to a life. I also think that using denial of access to your grandchild if you don't acquiesce is very cruel.

When my daughter was young and single and talked of having children, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I had already brought up my own family and didn't expect to bring up another family. She married last year and has recently had her first baby. She knows I am more than happy to babysit and cover emergencies, but I do not wish to commit myself to a regular time of childcare. I am in my 70s and widowed, but still want to be free to live my life even if I choose to do nothing with it, it is my choice! However, I adore my GC and can already see that as time goes on I shall be more than happy to take on more responsibilities as my GC gives me so much joy.

We're all different. Some people love having the grandchildren. My grandsons other Nan used to get quite upset if she went a few days without seeing him. Me? Well, I just kept quiet to see if I could manage to get a few more!

"I cut my full time work to 3 days a week to accommodate helping out ... I work 29 hours over 3 days to enable me to have Thursday and Friday off ... I suspect he will not allow us access now."

Let's be blunt. Your son is a git.

It is one thing to make such big adjustments to your working life to meet their NEEDS, quite another to make such effort just because that's what they WANT.

Your son prioritises shopping and meeting friends over caring for his own daughter. And over your need to work, to care for your mother, to have a life you can call your own. And suspecting he won't allow access suggests to me he must have hinted about this already .

Call his bluff.

You've made quite enough accommodations, it's time to tell him to take it or leave it. You said ^"They can't afford extra childcare which is why we agreed to help^" - you need to really understand that. They need you, far more than you need this being pissed around. It's time for your son and his partner to grow the fuck up and act like parents, not children. Their child, their responsibility. You were willing to give the help that you could, but if they're going to be greedy selfish pigs, they can swivel.

Be plain. 'This is what I will so, take it or leave it.' Some people see other people's niceness as an invitation to be messed around; it would seem your son is one such person. Stop inviting him to give you a kicking. Push back, establish boundaries, and tell him where to get off. Don't fear a withdrawal of access, he really can't afford to actually do that.

This begs the question..'Why did they have a child'?

I cannot understand anyone who considers looking after their grandchildren to be a chore. I really can't. Okay fair enough it it were a full time thing or most of the week but a day or two a week is a pleasure. Well it is for me anyway. I want to give my children something that I never had and that is a little bit of free adult time. I never question what my DS or DDiL are doing if they have a day off? Good luck to them I hope they make the most of it safe in the knowledge that their 3 children are being safely looked after by grandparents who love them very much.

I find it a chore, to be honest. I've never been a fan of children, or anyone who needs lots of time and attention. Too selfish - me, that is. But I've always made it clear from before the grandsons were born. Lots of people thought I would do a U-turn once they arrived, but I haven't (as yet)

Exactly gillybob - but then my mother was the same and since I have become a nanny myself I have wanted to pay it forward. I had the benefit of parental support in the same town when my first two children were born, but lived a long way away when number three arrived. I think I learned to be a more confident and patient mum with support ...never mind ' I was on my own and I managed...' Yes, sometimes we have no choice, but if we do then I think the whole family - all generations - benefit from a helping hand.

I had my gd 3 days a week from 8 months old. Now 5, I do the school run with her and have my 11 month old gs 2 days a week. I couldn't bear strangers caring for them. I cut my hours and eventually retired to do this as d and sil both work long hours and can't afford child care. I love caring for them but do wonder if I'll still have the energy in 10 years time when I'm 70! (Daughter and sil very appreciative by the way)

It's not so much the helping that seems to be the problem here but the attitude of entitlement of this young couple towards their parent. Making a proper agreement is fine if both sides are happy, but to be angry to the point of the estrangement because you object to being treated like a servant balking at additional duties, is awful, quite horrid. Has your son no compassion for his elderly grandmother who clearly needs your care or are her requirements, like yours, of no importance to these young people? Perhaps helping out with g.granny now and again would be a kindness, and give YOU a break?!!! Perhaps taking YOU out with baby on a day off doing something together would make the situation seem more family orientated, and less like being used when they see fit? Making someone feel wanted and love is going to get you far further than being angry and aggressive if you can't get your own way!

Just you wait until Gc get to the toddler stage.
You will certainly be run ragged then.

My daughter comes to me at least once a week, sometimes more and goes back to bed while I look after two year old gas.
She is always tired as he is a poor sleeper. I also, am a poor sleeper and get very tired. I am over seventy years old now.
I don't mind occasionally but it's getting to be a habit now.

I looked after him one day a week when she went back to work, but he was small baby then and no trouble.

I think you have to be very clear and firm about your boundaries.
They probably need you more thank you think and will probably comply with your wishes, I am thinking.