Ungrateful Son

Bottom line, though why did they have a baby? I wouldn't have wanted my much loved parents looking after and virtually bringing up my two children, and I know DD felt the same. Now and again is one thing, but five days a week? I don't think so!

I hope I speak for all posters on here when I say we all adore our GC and love spending time with them. But that's not the issue.

There's not a prize for the GP who does the most childcare and for the longest time.

The prize goes to our own children who should have learnt that their own parents shouldn't be bullied into doing more than they want or can cope with.

The OP sounds to me like a perfectly reasonable lady who has reorganised her own life to help out with her new GC. I think her son should be ashamed at saying he likes to spend weekends shopping or out with his pals. A bit late now to realise children take up ones free time.

We all do a fair amount of childcare. I'm waiting for once, just once, my own children to ask if I need any help. Doesn't even cross their minds!

After 2 days childcare so far this week I'm now laying on my bed watching Wimbledon! I can because I'm retired. And I need a lazy day to recover from childcare!

Why don't they take baby with them at weekends when they visit friends or go shopping? - we always did, and so did DD. Surely that's what being a parent is?

If you were in my position where I have raised my gd since she was 6 along with my husband (both retired then) would you be complaining, I wish my son was alive so he could be with his daughter but he can't, his partner is in prison for murdering him. I have an amazing daughter who has no children, and has always taken our gd every other weekend and on holidays, so what I am trying to same is we are a team that bring my gd up. Maybe you should find away of sorting out the caring situation ok she is having some chill out time but look at from the point of view that you get to spend time with your gc

I think they are being totally selfish and should grow up. They had the child so they must behave as responsible parents, it is as simply as that. If they could not afford the childcare then don't have a baby or go to work. They could do what many of us had to do stay at home and look after the children. I had no help as my parents were dead and In laws left me to it and we certainly could not afford childcare. I survived and my children are now great adults.

If you do too much for them they will remain children not parents. Emotional blackmail seems to becoming the norm and has to be stamped out. Tell them that yes you are the baby's grandmother but not his/her mother and so will enjoy taking baby out and spending time together when it is convenient but not as a free childminder. I now have 2 lovely grand children and love every minute I spend with them because it is fun time not a chore or duty. I always make sure I am free during school holidays just in case I am needed so when asked I can happily say yes but basically that is it. Noone is hard done by, if not needed I just carry on doing my own thing. My dd has also benefited as she has learnt how to be a super mum and hubby has learnt to be a super dad too.

I've seen such a lot of GP shaming if they don't offer free child-care that when my daughter told me they were planning to get married (and I guessed a baby was the next item in the plan!) I told her that I would never be able to provide daily childcare! Babysitting when I was free, yes, but regular childminding, no!
Sounds a bit premature but I wanted them to be under no misapprehensions when they were making their plans.

PS I often babysat or covered in an emergency, but they never expected more and always said "Thank you!"

I think we each must consider what is acceptable in our own situation. I like to have my GC and GGC in my home and looking after them is my pleasure. If I did not feel that I wanted to childmind, I do not think I should be pushed into childminding either. OP, do what makes you happy.

Has your son always had a tendency to throw his toys out of his pram when he doesn't get his own way*Sheian57*? From what I read you are holding all the cards - as others have said childcare is expensive and I cannot believe that you 'will not be allowed access', it's just not in the parents' own interest. You will have years of being taken advantage of if you give in now. Having said that we have always been fortunate and able to work with our daughters with just a bit of give and take on all sides. Good luck.

Just how many of the posters who are saying the OP IS being unreasonable are still working at least 29 hours a week over 3 days just so they could look after the GC?

The ball is in the DS's court now and I would let him make the next move.

Grown up children can be very selfish.
Personally I don't think they grow up until they are about 40 now, well mine didn't!.
Initially I agreed to their demands but don't now. I do it if it suits me but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty, but I'd rather feel guilty than resentful.Its which of the feeling you can live with the easiest.

i had to check that i had not posted this as it sound exactly like me at the moment, the more we do the more they want us to do, so the weekends can be family time. And if we have plans of our own we are met with thunder! I have not got the answers to this.

The key here is NOT how different grandparents feel about looking after their grandchildren ....so why others insist on going on about how they love doing it, and love to be asked etc is beyond me! Their feelings really are irrelevant.
The point is that the OP doesn't want to do what is being asked, has bent over backwards to organise her time to do what she IS willing to do ...and now finds that according to her son/DIL that this not enough. If they need more than she feels able to do or is happy to offer then that is THEIR problem, not hers!!
State what you can do, stick to it and let them sort it out. If they realise the FREE childcare might disappear they will have a shock! But stick to your guns. It is YOUR life!

marmar01 "met with thunder"!!!! Ignore the thunder. State that you have plans, so cant help on this occasion. Let the thunder roar and ignore it. Tell them you are happy to help when you dont have plans! Why is this so difficult to do?

I should say probably that I am coming at this from a position of looking after my grandchildren one day a week(suits me and happy to do), some other babysitting including sleepovers when mutually agreed and when convenient to us!

I am not saying that the OP is being unreasonable at all Wilma but I too condense my hours to 30 over 3-4 days so I can have my DGC . My choice and I'm very happy with it . If the OP ( or anyone else) don't want to do it they shouldn't . I'm sure my little ones would soon pick up on it, if I was looking after them reluctantly .

I think they are behaving like spoils brats. They made the lifestyle choice to have a child. and now need to take responsibility for looking after it and altering their lifestyle to accommodate these responsibilities. You are also working long hours so why should your free time be tied up looking after gc so they can do what you can't? Help them now and again but leave them to sort out their own routine. Be strong otherwise you will just become a doormat.

SheilaSue, I am so sorry for your family situation. You must have done an amazing job for your GC, being there for them all the time. BUT a lot of us GP are retired/semi retired, and are weary of work and childcare. We do our bit, if and when we can, but nobody wants to feel that they are just there to be a patch over the cracks when our children cannot cope with their own offspring. As many have said, it was their choice to have a family and so should look ahead for the pitfalls. I know this is not always possible, things go awry in the best laid planned lives, and then we step in, temporarily, until, hopefully, life gets back on an even keel. To almost hold the GP to ransom about seeing their GC is appalling, but does happen. I was a long way from my parents when we had our family, so you just get on and find a way to cope , but we never felt hard done by. It never occurred to us. It's a long time ago now, and we are into the great grandparent stage, and I know things have changed a lot how child rearing is managed, but how will young parents learn to raise a family, if they don't stand on their own two feet? Expectations are different, but values are the same, I would have thought. Sorry about the probably contentious post, but I have been getting hotter under the collar as this goes on. I'll go away now, and hope an amicable solution can be found.

Just occurred to me where is the DIL's mother, is she being put upon too or is this just a way of making MIL feel guilty? It seems very one sided to me. The old adage 'you can't please everyone all of the time so just please yourself comes to mind'. You are old enough now to say 'NO' to mean 'NO' you have done your time as a mother now it is DIL's turn, that's how it works. They can bully, scream, threaten or throw the toys out of the pram but at the end of the day they are the parents not the children. What sort of example will they be to their children, if this is how they behave if they don't get their own way. They have a lot to learn!

gillybob tbh I don't think the OP sounded resentful at reorganising her working week. But she does sound resentful about the son changing the goal posts and then getting stroppy and that seems entirely reasonable to me. I think Caroline123 is spot on when she says it's a lot easier to live with guilt than resentment.

I could hardly bear to read your sorry story. What an ungrateful son. Stay firm and do only what you WANT to do. It may take time, but he will eventually get the message.

Good for all the Grandparents who like giving free childcare. However the OPs son sound very entitled and that is what is causing the problem.

I work full time and long hours so do not look after my Grandson, it is not expected and if I babysit, it is always arranged and I always get a thank You. I too have made it clear I will not do childcare whilst Mother is at work. Apart from that I cannot afford to do it.

As for the son who told his Mother she should help out more, well he is one selfish git, who does he think he is? Do not give in on this, it is your desition and only you can make it.

This makes me really angry, when I had my children, I would never have imposed on my parents, as adult children do today, that's not to say their grandparents were not involved, they stayed with them most Friday or Saturday nights, but not at my request. They loved having them. When my daughter told me she was pregnant, I was over the moon, but during her pregnancy I explained that I would not commit to caring for the little ones while she went out to work or socialise , I've done my parenting, I just want to be Grandma , who has all the fun, without the need to be a second parent, and all the boring stuff that entails. I have 3 grown up children and would not do for one , that I wouldn't do for all, and I certainly couldn't manage 6 grandchildren. My daughter is of the same opinion as me, and has chosen to stay at home to raise her own, money is tight for them, but she says she only has just a few precious years with them, so she intends to make the most of the time she has. Lucky me to have such a wonderful daughter, not to say I don't have them if she asks me occasionally for a couple of hours or so,. I love it , I can give them my 100% attention, and we just enjoy each others company,my eldest gs is 4 now and has asked for sleepovers at Grandma's !! It's great , it's on his terms, not when suits parents,and my husband and I are more than happy to have him , he is not spoiled, but he gets our undivided attention. I'm not sure who enjoys it more ,us or him. It's exactly as I wanted it to be GRANDMAS are for fun and fuss and love and cuddles, !!!!!!

I don't think you are being in the least bit unreasonable Sheian. You've been asked to support your son and d.i.l. with childcare and IMO 'support' is the operative word here.

You said in your post that you suspect that now your son will deny you access. As a GM who hasn't seen her eldest since he was 8 months old (now 5.5 years) and never seen the youngest (now 21 months) I hope and pray that this is never the case and it worries me that you feel it might be.

It is your son who is being unreasonable and I admire you for sticking to your guns. Good luck.

My DD is a single mum. She works (2 jobs, till recently 3) and studies, does all the shopping, cleaning etc that we all have to do. She has her DD five days a week (her ex has her two) and fits everything she can into those days so that she is free to spend all the time she can with DGD on the five. She asks for help only when she absolutely can't manage herself. Yes, she gets tired, fed-up and lonely but she chose to have a child (but didn't know her husband was going to throw them out) and she sees that as her main priority. So no, all grown up children are not selfish, nor do they expect everything on a plate. DS lives too far away to ask for a lot of help, and when he does it's always as long as we "don't mind". I don't think I'm any better a parent than any of those having unreasonable demands made of them but I'm just grateful that I don't face these difficulties. Like others I don't think I would feel very happy with the attitude of the OPs DS. I think she should tell him what she is able to offer in the way of help and stick to it - in a calm and reasonable way - and then let them think about it.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that there is a sense of 'reaping the whirlwind' here today? I wonder if it has been difficult for the OP to read so many negative comments about her son? It is one thing to be critical of our own children, but often we are not ready to hear them criticised by others. Maybe it is because I have read the same sort of comments and criticisms over and over, but it does seem he has been somewhat vilified.

I also think, given that as he and his wife cannot afford childcare, that the jump to 'being denied access' may be rather alarmist - I hope so. And I return to the hope that there will be better understanding and better communication.

OP has an awful lot on her plate with work, other older children at home, an elderly mother to watch over and now the added commitment to looking after GC ... maybe DS is indeed guilty of not seeing / realising all that she has to juggle - and I am not suggesting she should feel bad about sticking to her guns over not starting until August - but maybe she agreed to take things on initially, but then backtracked because she is realising that she has overstretched herself.

Just saying.