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Flown In From Overseas - now DD says I have to stay in an Hotel!

(99 Posts)
Fishandchips Fri 14-Jul-17 11:53:26

I'm really upset and would value any comments or suggestions.

Last weekend I flew to the UK from the States with a girlfriend and we had a few days looking at castles and stately homes. She has had to return to work in the US and I am staying on to visit my family members.

I've rented a car and after dropping off my friend at the airport have gone to stay with my mother. She doesn't have a computer or wifi and I'm in the public library right now. The plan has always been for me to get over the jet lag, see my mum and then continue to see my daughter and granddaughter a few hours drive away in a coastal town. My daughter has known for weeks that I was coming and even this week texted me to ask what day/time I was arriving.

The background is that my daughter fled from an abusive relationship and had to give up her job as she moved to another part of the country, Her dad and I paid the deposit and first month's rent on her flat. We also arranged for a relative to be the guarantor as she claims housing benefits and few landlords would take her on. (Slum LL in may opinion....the place is dreadfully riddled with damp and terribly cold but she likes the location of the flat). I have also fully furnished it, from all white goods to cutlery, towels, crockery, pots and pans, kettle/toaster, beds, chest of drawers, curtains etc. as the place was just an empty shell. We've bailed her out a few times to help pay her rent when she was short of money.

We also bought her a car and pay for all the tax, insurance, breakdown cover and any repairs/spare parts as needed. We also paid a fortune for a barrister for DD when her ex who has relocated to the town she fled to (whom has never paid a penny in child support represented himself in Court for more access. He was awarded more access but not for overnights as he has no fixed address).

Last Summer we relocated with spouse's job from mainland Europe to the US. I was in transit via England and at her request, stayed with my daughter and GD for 6 weeks and cared for GD when DD went to an early morning cleaning job. My DD never put her hand in her pocket as I was happy to buy food, pay for outings etc. We all got on really well and my daughter kept saying so.

I was hoping originally to come over and visit last Spring, but my DD said to me "you can come, but you can't stay here as I have visitors". I said I could come before they arrived or after they've left - but she said they would be there for some time. (My GD piped up "Nanny if you stay in an hotel, can I come and stay with you"?).

Well, I wasn't happy about that and decided to come over this Summer instead. Now my DD knew I was coming and asked for dates etc. This weekend she is camping at a festival and not going home again until next Monday. I called her a couple of days ago and she said that she has 'visitors'. I said, ok, let me collect the little one and I will drive her up to where my mum and siblings with as they would all love to see her. DD said 'no' as she has Summer activities planned. (She also has to see her father every Friday or Saturday as the Court I can't have her visit me in the USA sad )

The penny has dropped. I am certain that she's moved her boyfriend in. He is supposedly renting a room in a lodging house a few streets away, but he became a father at the age of 17 and his daughter who is now 16 has moved from another part of the UK to live with him....who wouldn't want to move from a grim industrial city to a seaside town? My mum says that his daughter is attending a local 6th form college. It has dawned on me that he can't have her living with him in his room and they've moved in with my DD. Not officially though....the Landlord won't let another person move in without a guarantor (which he can't provide) and my daughter claims housing benefits....I have no idea if she is still claiming as a single parent. The boyfriend dropped out of school at 14 and is barely literate...he just does casual jobs and has a Summer job for a few weeks, but the town shuts down when the season ends.

This morning I got a text from my DD, as I'd sent her a message saying that I'm coming over next Tuesday. Her reply is that "Okay but you will have to book somewhere to stay". I am livid. It is peak Summer season and hotels/B&Bs/motels all cost a fortune! It has cost a lot of money for a transatlantic flight and car rental.

Guess what? Her car tax (over 300 pounds, diesel car) and car insurance are due at the end of July. Her car insurance will be high as she's had a claim earlier this year for causing a minor accident and also speeding fines. I am so exasperated....we got her the car so she could return to work as public transport is expensive and very limited where she lives.

Another thing....she is a bohemian hippy type who is 'unschooling'. Sadly she has turned out to be very selfish and entitled. My spouse sent her a note many weeks ago and said that we strongly felt that she should put GD in school if she wanted us to continue to pay for her car. She went berserk, accusing us of blackmail. She will only work 16 hours a week so she can get the max Housing Benefit but pays for a child minder out of her low wages.

Gransnetters.....what should I do? What would you do? It's going to cost a fortune to pay for hotels....I can't believe that I can't even stay on the sofa bed I bought brand new for her last Summer!

Luckylegs9 Wed 26-Jul-17 14:37:33

What happens to these indulged old children when you're not alive. Sure you have fund their education, but they have yo work as well, they have to learn to capable, to earn their isn't living.we helped ours with home deposits etc.but they had saved a to, even though it was not easy.. It is a parents duty to encourage them to plough their own furrow rather than scrounge to fund a life style of their choosing.If they hit hard times, of course we help them. I would take the granddaughter away, give her the best time ever, see how you think home schooling is going, if she us happy etc. I would keep contact by any means possible with her, Skype and texts are easy now.we opened accounts for all our gc for when they came of age. I am sorry for you feeling so unwanted by a d that you have given everything to, she needs a wake up call, maybe saying the cash has run out and so sorry but you can't be generous any more, except on birthdays and special occasions.

alchemilla Tue 25-Jul-17 13:48:27

PaddyAnn - you're right, DC and GDC don't ask to be born. But there's such a thing as standing on your own two feet when you are well into being an adult and have a DC. As I understand it the OP's DD has a car funded by OP to get to a 16 hour per week job, is on benefits but still manages to get to a festival and isn't careful enough to avoid speeding fines. Her whole flat has been furnished by OP who has also paid for rental when DD has been short. I agree that you don't give money with strings attached. I suspect this is Brighton where unschooling and home schooling is popular and some children thrive on it. I think all OP wants to do is touch base with her DD and keep up bonds with her GD.

paddyann Tue 25-Jul-17 12:20:38

so who would have "funded their university education "if you didn't? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Its our job to bring them up to the best of our ability and as they didn't ask to be born that makes us resonsible for them until they are adults ...and even beyond if /when they need help.My mother used to say her role in our lives was to "guard and guide and toss some cash over when needed" she never interfered with our lives though not even giving advice unless askked and then would give alternatives rather than lay down a law.I'll continue to look out for my kids and their kids as long as I'm alive ..and that "holiday" might be what gives them the strength to carry on when they have problems.Sometimes its easier to see the problem from YOUR side ,try looking from theirs

janeayressister Tue 25-Jul-17 09:59:00

Children never view our money like their own. All my children have had shades of the behaviour you describe and looking back I think we were too nice. Despite funding their University Education and buying houses for them when they were students, I wasn't always welcomed with open arms when I wanted to visit . I would arrive and they would promptly go out or be a bit dismissive of me.

Now they are adults I have tried to cut my spending on them to the bare minimum. They will say' we have not much money' and I consider giving them some, then I find out that they have booked a exotic holiday. My heart then hardens.

However, you are in the UK now and you want to see your GC, so just bite the bullit this time, and book yourself into a hotel and then stop payments and become much harder.
Children just don't love us like we love them....that's the way of the world. They are not responsible for us ...but we will always feel responsible for they have us over a barrel. Unfortunately!!!

FarNorth Wed 19-Jul-17 19:20:15

It's very difficult when you are afraid that contact with your DGD could be cut off.

glammygranny Wed 19-Jul-17 13:33:48

I had exactly the same scenario with my own daughter. She's happy to take my money and actively asks for contributions for things but it would be easier to get permission to stay at the palace.
In your case perhaps it time to stop funding your daughter for no other reason than she's an adult and needs to be responsible for her own actions and resulting consequences. If her boyfriend is living with her it's not really your concern. If your daughter is committing benefit fraud it won't affect you. The person who really needs to worry is the poor guarantor as they could potentially be liable for thousands.

Jalima1108 Wed 19-Jul-17 12:48:19

You mention your DD's father - is he in the States or this country? Is there any chance he could have some input and help in this situation.

It really doesn't sound a very satisfactory life-style for a little girl. I know of someone who went to live an 'alternative lifestyle' which sounded idyllic but she then had a child which became quite sick and she has decided that a normal lifestyle with a job and a warm home and decent food is now better for her and the child (much to the relief of her mother).

Lewlew Wed 19-Jul-17 12:05:57

jollyg Wed 19-Jul-17 10:47:19

Me, too... blush flowers

But there are many abandoned threads by the OP that it's a problem. Often posters' responses get contentious with each other!

Not that someone real is a 'troll' but that perhaps GN or others on their 'behalf' sign up with a username and post dilemmas to get conversation going. confused

Hope things get better for you and seeing your grandchild!

jollyg Wed 19-Jul-17 10:47:19

Sorry FandC I too thought you were a troll, but affairs of the family can be very complicated.

I too have a daughter who has led us a merry dance. I also gave her a CC in my name to help out, but she abused that.

Family HUH?

Enjoy your special moments with your GD. Good luck

Fishandchips Tue 18-Jul-17 13:02:34

Just a quick update as I am rushing around trying to get errands done. The library where I'm using their internet has been a victim of council cutbacks and is only open for limited hours.

To Lewlew - no I am not a troll. If you go to the 'search' facility at the top of the home page and type in 'unschooling' you will see that I began a thread which ran to five pages, originally posted on 03 Feb 2015 (and I did post replies and an update on that thread).

I have had to bite the bullet and book accommodation. I spent hours yesterday trying to find a holiday park where there would be things to do with my granddaughter. My mother wants to come too. Fortunately at 6pm I managed to get a cancellation for a caravan. The resort is about 20 minutes from where my daughter lives and has a swimming pool, playground, children's club, a couple of cafeterias etc. and evening entertainment (which I guess will be a bit cheesy but my mother will enjoy it and there is a disco for the under 12's).

I have just booked 2 night's B&B from is peak season and I had a job trying to find something nice too which has is all double yellow lines everywhere as it is a seaside resort and parking is an absolute nightmare at the best of times.

This is going to cost me in the region of 1000 pounds for 9 nights, which I certainly hadn't budgeted for. On top of this, I have to return the rental car as when I phoned the booking agency in the USA last night, they said there is no chance of an extension and I will have to 'swap' the car for another one under a new I will have a 6 hour drive back to do this rather than try and stay on for a few more days with my GD.

However, my DD was back from camping at a festival yesterday and called me....she said I could have slept on the floor at her place but it would be 'with others' and I said "what about the sofa bed I bought you last Summer" and then she replied 'well I have visitors staying here'. I asked who they were and she said 'none of your business'! (You can imagine what swear words were silently in my head). Nevertheless she put my GD on the phone and she was excited to see her nanny and great granny and also wants to see her grandad too. He is on a business trip to London for a few days in August so hopefully I'll be able to take her to London too....the spanned in the works is that she has to see her father on alternate Fridays and Saturdays.

I phoned the Family Court but they can't give information over the phone; I was asking about if my GD could ever be allowed to visit us in the US (my son lives there too and only gets 10 days annual leave, he loves her and hardly ever gets to see her). I was given an e-mail address and it was suggested that I write in to the Court. The bio father would absolutely object to her being taken to visit us....he despises our family and is estranged from his own, He was arrested shortly before Christmas, charged with affray and assault by beating, found to have a machete and a kitchen knife and still hasn't had his trial yet. Unfortunately he still has 'rights' to see his child, even though he never pays a penny in maintenance. He is long term sick and walked away from his debts. My daughter decided that her DD had a right to see her dad and he's moved to the coast too, from what I understand lives in a camper van and sofa surfs with some very questionable people.

The 'visitors' staying at my DDs flat are almost certainly her boyfriend and his own teenage daughter (she is 16 I think and has moved out of her mother's house as she wanted to live by the seaside). I met them last Summer, she was staying in the room he was or is renting and I suspect moved into my daughter's place the moment I had left for the States.

Well, I have written enough and I am still very angry with my DD. I know we have enabled her but I know for damn sure that she would have no qualms about ceasing contact with my adorable granddaughter and I couldn't bear it.....we love each other so much. I think she would be going into Year 2 if she was going to school?

I may post an update if the resort has a decent wifi signal, but it's only in the public area from what I understand.

Darnsarf Mon 17-Jul-17 19:20:11

grin well observed fiorntina!

fiorentina51 Mon 17-Jul-17 18:33:42


Anya Mon 17-Jul-17 18:20:54

fiorentna best laugh I've had in days 😀

Jalima1108 Mon 17-Jul-17 13:32:16

Best laugh on here in a long time fiorentina51
with that thought I will go away and have a quiet little giggle as I do my boring chores.

fiorentina51 Mon 17-Jul-17 12:39:59

We could start another Brexit/Remainer thread I suppose and spend every waking hour going over the same points ad infinitum, until finally, you get the same 3 posters left babbling to themselves....
Dons tin hat and ducks for cover. 😨

Jalima1108 Mon 17-Jul-17 12:10:54

FarNorth grin
Do we mind wasting our time?
Yes - I have things to do, places to go, people to meet (except she wasn't there so I have had to come home again hmm)

Marydoll Mon 17-Jul-17 11:44:43


FarNorth Mon 17-Jul-17 11:42:53

Do we mind wasting our time?
Many of us blither on about a lot of rubbish on here anyway? (Me included)

OurKid1 Mon 17-Jul-17 10:19:58

A wind-up surely? Even though the OP doesn't have internet access on tap (!), what would be the point of posting, asking for comments, then not coming back?

Starlady Mon 17-Jul-17 03:44:28

Thanks Lewlew! That's good information!

I hope this isn't a windup, ladies. What a waste of time for us all if it is!

Fishandchips, are you still here? What do you think about what has been said?

Lewlew Sun 16-Jul-17 13:04:47

If you do a search on the user's name, no other posting activity. Hmmmm... hmm

Someone mentioned the home schooling thing. I was shocked too. The LA will search out children who have either asked for a place or be given a place, but not shown up... is how I read it. If a child is removed from school, there seems to be an exit process where their next school has to be followed up. I had a hard time following things...but did read some of the FAQs at this link.

Bellanonna Sun 16-Jul-17 11:49:41

Galen, Juggernaut, Niggly...... I'm beginning to wonder too. Let's see whether OP makes another trip to the library any time soon and comes back to the thread

nigglynellie Sun 16-Jul-17 10:57:17

Something is telling me that this is a wind up!!!!!!! It will be interesting to see if the poster replies, and if she does what her comments are!

JanaNana Sun 16-Jul-17 09:20:54

I posted earlier and have read through all the other replies. Is this boyfriend the father of your little granddaughter as well as his 16 he old daughter? I am now reading this as if he is but maybe wrong! If I had fled from an abusive relationship I would be very worried that he had moved to a town I had moved to miles away from my family. Maybe a bit scared .Is"nt your daughter at risk of losing her flat if her LL finds out she has other people living there with her....breaking her tenancy agreement. As you paid for her legally to help escape from this man in the first place it now seems like a farce that he has turned up in the same town and also his 16 he old daughter as well. Something does not add up here. As the reason for her moving away in the first place is now in jeopardy in my opinion...I would seriously have to think whether to stay in this flat or return to my original town for the sake of my little girl. She can home school or unschool just as easily and have more family support around her too.

MissAdventure Sun 16-Jul-17 09:14:15

I would be quite concerned to check if my grandchild was ok. No school, and a new man in the home..