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Am I being silly?

(56 Posts)
angie95 Sat 05-Aug-17 17:45:52

An old friend has lost both parents, her daughter lives abroad, and I have been going every week, with lunch etc, even though I am suffering myself. I have severe arthritis in my joints and spine, as well as curved lower spine. I am having eye operations, and all I hear is, how much she needs her daughter to send her money,as she has none of her own. She never once asks if I'm ok, just texts to see if I'm going round. I am suffering with stress, which is making my skin flare up with eczema, Have had lots of laser eye treatment for glaucoma, am now partially sighted in the left eye and having a cataract op on Monday on the right eye, (to say I'm scared is putting it mildly) on Thursday when I went round, not once did she say "Good luck" just "will you be coming on.Thursday?" I said "no, I need to get used to the eye feeling gritty,for a while,and won't feel like going out. Am I being selfish, even though I have been going every week since January?

Smileless2012 Sat 05-Aug-17 17:50:35

No,you are not being selfish angie sadly it looks as if your friend is though. Did your friend lose her parents recently? If so perhaps she's still coping with their loss which must be compounded by her daughter living abroad. Is she her only child?

Good friends are hard to find and are to be treasured. She's certainly found a treasure in you and I hope one day she'll realise how lucky she is.

Good luck for Monday, hope it goes wellflowers.

Ana Sat 05-Aug-17 17:54:54

It does sound as though your friend is taking you for granted, Angie, perhaps try not to be so available in future. Are you her only friend? She is not your responsibility, especially with regard to money, she should contact Age Concern or the CAB to find out what she's entitled to.

Hope all goes well for you.

notnecessarilywiser Sat 05-Aug-17 18:07:40

Not at all selfish, angie - more than seven months of selflessness is admirable. On the assumption that her parents were elderly, and therefore their deaths were to be expected she has every right to grieve their passing but really shouldn't be floored by their loss. Did they support her financially or emotionally to a significant extent?

Expecting financial support from her daughter is somewhat unreasonable unless there are special circumstances that lead your friend to expect this.

Your upcoming op looks like being an ideal time for you to have a breather from the demands of this particular friendship! Once you've recovered perhaps you could break the tradition of "Thursday is angie day" so that she takes a bit more responsibility for herself. Would she accept any advice from you about her finances (benefits she may be entitled to, equity release, pension drawdown, etc)? If so, you may be able to guide her towards taking sensible steps to minimise the financial hardship she says she's suffering. If not, does she have another friend or family member who could give her this sort of advice?

Wishing you well for your op on Monday - I hope it will give you better vision once you've healed. Wouldn't mind betting that your excema will improve whilst your not dancing attendance on your demanding friend!

Anya Sat 05-Aug-17 18:16:39

Many old people have lost both parents. I lost mine quite a while ago. I can tell you feel sorry for her but it's time to look after yourself for a chance.

You cannot save everybody from loneliness.

M0nica Sat 05-Aug-17 18:56:42

Youare in poor health and sacrifice yourself to visit an ungrateful and selfish friend and then ask whether you are being selfish for not going to see her? shock

annsixty Sat 05-Aug-17 19:26:10

You are the most important person here. Look after yourself . I have been in the same trap. I have learned better.

cornergran Sat 05-Aug-17 20:07:48

I can only agree with others, angie, look after yourself or you really can't care for others. All good wishes for your cataract operation, please try not to worry.

Stansgran Sat 05-Aug-17 20:40:13

I hope you said that it's your turn to bring round lunch. Hope all goes well.

varian Sat 05-Aug-17 20:58:07

Please don't worry too much about the cataract op. It will be over before you realise and will make a great difference to your sight.

Take care of yourself, even if it means telling your friend you can't help her for a week or two.

rosesarered Sat 05-Aug-17 21:11:49

Some people are just not very socially aware Angie or it could be that your friend has fallen into a self pitying tar pit.
Or has always been selfish.
However, make her aware of your troubles too.Friends should comfort each other, if it's a one way street....are you allowing it to be so?
Good luck with your eye op next

mcem Sat 05-Aug-17 21:13:56

You'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy the op is. You may be offered a mild sedative if you're nervous. Take it and relax. I bet you won't need one if you have the second one done as you'll know how straightforward and totally painless it is.
However you should rest up for a while. Use this as an excuse/reason to say you need to look after yourself. That may just elicit an offer of help from your friend!
And don't worry about the op!!

angie95 Sat 05-Aug-17 21:32:59

Ladies, thank you so much for your kind words. I feel so much better now, that I have spoken to you, my hubby doesn't really understand. I am going to take a breather of two weeks, I need to, for my health. I have told her about CAB, etc, but she seems to think that they will give her money for all her bills. I will let you know how I get on after the eye op. Bless you all. Xxx. Have a super weekend xx

Oriel Sat 05-Aug-17 21:40:35

Hope all goes well for you on Monday

Wishing you a speedy recovery !

Maggiemaybe Sat 05-Aug-17 21:49:10

angie, you're a truly great friend, and this lady is very lucky to have you. All the very best for Monday, and make sure you spend the next few weeks putting yourself first for a change. flowers

fourormore Sat 05-Aug-17 22:21:50

All the best for Monday Angie - when you come out you will wonder what you were worrying about!!!
One word of warning - you will be able to see dust and also smears on your windows!!! grin
Don't worry about your friend - she will survive and you need some 'Me Time' flowers

IngeJones Sun 06-Aug-17 08:28:14

Maybe she has depression (sounds like she's not happy, definitely). Depression can make you very self-centred, through no fault of one's own. I know you've been making all the effort so far, but can you make just one more bit to find out if she needs to see her doctor about her state of mind? With the right treatment, she might become a wonderful caring friend!

silverlining48 Sun 06-Aug-17 08:29:09

Good luck for tomorrow Angie. Accept the sedative and it will all be done in a minute. You will need to rest post op so do not rush back to visit your friend and see perhaps if she visits you instead. ....

radicalnan Sun 06-Aug-17 08:35:10

Some people just get used to a format for visitors and it seems as if you and your friend, have got into a bit of a rut, rather than friendship you are more like her support worker now. I would make the most of the break to cosset yourself and then, if the friendship is worth it to you, chage the nature of the visits. Can you suggest going out for a change?

If ou have been going there for a while listening (excellent quality in a friend) she might have just got into the habit of off loading and not listening to your news. I thik older people can get a bit like that if they don't see many visitors and have little new to talk about.

I would steer her towards CAB or similar for her money worries and just say something along the lines of. 'you need an expert on this and that isn't me' and then try to engage her in othe things.

I am sure your operation will be just fine, I know several friends who have had this done and say how simple it was and that the thought of it was worse than the reality.

I wish you a speedy recovery and please let us know how it all went.

dizzygran Sun 06-Aug-17 08:44:06

Good luck with the op Angie flowers. Do try and relax, your friend is giving you so much stress - maybe that's why her daughter lives abroad. Friendship is two-way and you seem to be doing all the running around. I had a friend who was always complaining that she had no money and then it came out that she saved every penny - she didn't like spending her money!!

TillyWhiz Sun 06-Aug-17 08:45:19

I've always found that people are givers or takers and the takers don't give. You are a giver and have been very kind despite your own health problems - now's the time to take a break and look after yourself.

ajanela Sun 06-Aug-17 08:53:47

My DH, who helps and supports lots of people has a policy that never to make a routine of going to the same day and doing the same thing as it makes people dependant on you and like your friend take you for granted plus the commitment can make you stressed and resentful..

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and hope improved eyesight will make life easier. I would suggest you continue visiting your friend but vary the days and what you do together so she becomes aware you have a life of your own and it might help her make some contribution and value your friendship.

GrumpyOldBat Sun 06-Aug-17 09:10:08

Take care of yourself, and take the opportunity to review this 'friendship'. You have been a good friend to this person, but has she been a good friend to you?

There is an element of reciprocity in friendship - everyone gets something positive out of it, and contributes their time, love etc. Good friends radiate positive vibes into your life.

Then there are the drains. Those people who sit in the middle of a bunch of harried people, expecting their bills to be paid and their every whim catered to and draining the life and energy and money out of their surroundings. I am afraid that your friend sounds like a parasite, taking wherever she can and giving nothing in return.

It might be better to recover from your operation over a longer period than two weeks, and use the time to cut loose. If, after a month or so, you are more relaxed and your life is better without this person, then that is a big clue.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 06-Aug-17 09:12:36

No, you aren't being selfish. You must look after your own health - you'll never get another pair of eyes will you? So pull back a bit. If she has to be a little less dependent on you she may well find a way to 'help herself' more so that you don't feel drained.

HootyMcOwlface Sun 06-Aug-17 09:20:22

Angie I agree, time to put yourself first. Tell your friend you'll be out of action for a while, so would welcome visits from her and can she bring lunch! See what she says! All the very best for your op. flowers