...to feel frustrated with husband....

Looking after a grand child must mean there is another adult, maybe two around who could give you a hand.

I bought mould killer from B&Q worked like a charm, and a little block gizmo from Sainsburys (but available in DIY sheds too) that stops mould appearing.

If there is wood under the carpet then the floors may sand nicely if the carpets have had it.

Cobwebs ? The easiest thing of all to get rid of.

If it is his attitude that he really doesn't care because he isn't there much, then you do have to either tackle that or tackle the jobs yourself.

That debt must rankle a fair bit but, if he came to you with the debt and you knew that, then nothing much to reproach him for.

Make a start yourself and see how far you get with the little things, then enlist help and maybe he will join you, if not there will still have been an improvement, however small.

Crumbs! I thought it was a post I'd written and forgotten about. It's almost the same as our scenario. I visited friends the other day who have more GC than I do and they manage to keep their homes well decorated, clean and tidy - and more importantly homely and welcoming. I'm tired of being ashamed of mine and would love to have people round - and perhaps I should do it and let them think what they like but..............I will read all these posts again careful and pick up some ideas. Thanks for the thread - it's a comfort in itself.

I am in the same position and agree with Allegra22. You want to share the home environment with your husband. How about selling this house and buying something smaller and newer? That is a plan I am working on.

My husband was the same - he would drop everything if his Mum or sisters needed help - and to be honest I am glad he did do his best to help them out as I lost him when he was 46. I have always been very practical and dealt with the decorating (lining paper then whatever colour paint I fancied) and general upkeep of the house myself. He used to have to go away on detached duty from work so I would plan major projects then - one time he came home from six weeks away and I had already gone to bed. I heard him come into the hall then a bang - he had gone to open the living room door and met with a wall. Whilst he was away I had closed up the door nearest the front door and we were using the door down the hall instead (made so much space in the living room). I had battened and plaster boarded the door gap and then redecorated the hall and living room wall so there was no trace of a door being there. Are you able to do some jobs yourself? If you have wooden floors then you can lift your carpets - a few scatter rugs make wooden floors cosy. If you can't wallpaper then can you just paint over the existing paper to freshen up your room? I have, in the past, when asked by DC what I wanted for my birthday/christmas etc said help with redecorating/new curtains/rugs/cushion covers etc - when I retired from work I asked for vouchers for B&Q and bought a chisel, hammer and bits as I was planning on dismantling a fireplace which I did over the first few weeks.

Can you afford to get these jobs done ? Can you afford a once a month deep clean from a cleaning agency or a new carpet ? Accept that he is happy with how things are and organise it all yourself. He is a good man who isn't bothered about his surroundings. I think you should accept that and take control yourself.

Its taking my husband months (actually over a year) to decorate our lounge dining room. He painted the ceiling, then decided the walls could wait until after our son had been here to dog sit when we went away. Then the walls got done, then the woodwork. Now we have tatty carpet in the lounge but the bare old marley tiles in the diner. No carpet to be done until we have had another holiday and son has dog sat. The new curtains are up, the new sofa cover is on. Now he has decided that the paint he did the woodwork with is rather yellow so its going to be done again. I have a picture in my mind of what the lounge/diner will look like when its finished. In five years time!!! Maybe its a man thing!! We woment can see what needs doing, can picture what it should look like but not men. They make do and mend.

What do you think people do living alone.
Sort it themselves.
I'm can't believe that you have allowed your home to get in to such a state despite it being important to you.

I do everything in my house, housework, cooking, DIY. But then I have never had paid work during my marriage, my husband has done a wonderful job of providing the means for me to put food on the table and wallpaper on the walls. In the evenings and weekends we are both off duty and relaxing (he is happy to get a takeaway if I don't want to cook). We like it this way round, I wouldn't swap for anything.

Is it the lack of interest that upsets you, rather than the lack of actual work?

Tell your husband how upsetting the state of the house is, for you, and ask for his help in deciding what to do about it that won't cost too much.
As the welfare of his loved ones is his priority, explain that this is affecting your well-being.

Previous posters have given good suggestions but possibly the feeling of struggling alone is your main problem.

You look after a grandchild - could one, or both, of his parents give you a hand in return for the childcare?

Some good points here, but may I ask if money is an issue? If not (within reason!) just book tradesmen to do whatever you feel needs doing.
Yes, it is nice to discuss and share projects for your home but some men really don't care and are happier if it is taken out of their hands. Unless you have misgivings in other directions, just get people in for the structural or decorating work and invest in good and easy to use appliances (or a cleaner) for the rest.
Choose your battles!

Sorry icbn, I should have read the thread properly. I've just seen you say that you look after a grandchild for two days a week and do most of the household chores so, to my mind anyway, you are not being at all unreasonable.

To those who say icbn should get on and do it herself, I think that is unfair. It sounds like she does quite a lot already and she hasn't indicated that she wouldn't be willing to help with some of these jobs, just that he takes no interest whatsoever.

Without knowing your roles in the relationship, e.g. if you/he are busy at work or doing lots of other things in the home, it's difficult to know whether you are being unreasonable or not and I'm surprised that someone found it so easy to reach the conclusion that you are.

You sound pretty reasonable to me and are very complimentary about your husband in other respects. I have to say that I too would be pretty fed up if my husband was going out of his way to help others but was unwilling to listen to me when I say that the state of our home is getting me down. Instead, your husband seems only to be caring about how he feels (happy as long as he can get into bed at night) rather than caring about how you feel.

I agree with those who say if you possibly can afford it, things like leaks, mould and damp should be the priorities. And, as has been said, there are some things that you can do to spruce the place up - have a real "spring clean" - clean windows, carpets, paintwork, etc. etc. - but I assume there are other things that you aren't able to put right.

I wish I could say something more helpful because I understand how you feel - I would find it depressing if my house was falling into disrepair and looked very shabby (my house isn't picture-perfect, perhaps a little shabby in places, but I certainly wouldn't describe it as "a dump" and I would feel very miserable if it was).

I wonder if you have impressed upon your husband just how much this is distressing you. If not, I think you should. I think these sorts of issues - where one partner pays little attention to the needs or requests of the other - can ultimately build up great resentment and damage a relationship.

icbn your DH's first concern should be you so get him to seriously listen to you, and then both set aside time to do the work needed together.You clean up and he decorates the house ( or vice versa) or do it together.Who wants to live in chaos or grubbyness?

IMHO it would seem that you have issues with your DH that need resolving.
You are on the one hand complaining about his lack of care and attention re your home.
But you also feel the need to explain how hard he works

Would it be possible to sit down an explain to your DH how your home surroundings are causing you upset and concern.
Mould is not something to be ignored its not only detrimental to your health
but extremely dangerous to your 3 yr old GC!

My husband is the same and until I came into some money and was able to arrange and pay for things myself nothing got done. It's very frustrating living with someone like that and I've run out of patience many a time. In fact I'm not sure how I'm still married to be honest! I've always done all the decorating and minor repairs myself. It would be lovely to have someone who shows an interest and to share the chores. The saying what you never have you don't miss is just not true! I constantly miss having someone to share the burden.

It must be frustrating! I can also understand that its hard work on your own, when its stuff that needs to be done.

Hmmm a mixed reception I'm getting. Like I've said in my post that my husband is a hard worker and I never could or would fault him for that, I just get frustrated that he's just not phased by the mess & chaos we live in. I try my hand at everything I possibly can, currently in various stages of decorating the hall, stairs & landing and two (daughters) bedrooms. It's a slow process when I also look after my grandson 2 days a week-an energetic & 'busy' 3 year old. As well as taking on a majority of household 'chores'.
I just get annoyed that the house or 'home' is never his priority....

I do almost everything in my flat a bit at a time. Lived here almost 30 years and still not finished! Things have never got so bad that I can't bear it though, so that's something.
If there really is no money spare for someone to come in, I would have a go myself, if I were you. It may even prompt your man into doing a few bits and bobs.

I'm a bit unsympathetic really. There's just me and if something wants doing I do it myself. You can clean those cobwebs, apply mould inhibitor, rip up the carpets, paint the walls, put up shelves. Soap and water is cheap. I don't see why it has to be his job. You might even enjoy it. I know I do.

I feel your pain! My husband started making dolls houses about 20 years ago and asked if I'd mind if he used the back half of our living room as his work space, just for a couple of months. He gave up making dolls houses about 10 years ago. But here we are twenty years down the line the back half of the room is..... dreadful. We have a sort of archway dividing the two halves of the room. The lovely dining room table and wall cabinets which used to be in there are now in the other half of the room which means we're all squashed up. The house is full of his tools and boxes and ... stuff. I've been patience itself. Now he has a heart condition which renders him unable to do much at all. But he has started to move the stuff out of the back of the room and into those little Really Useful boxes (which are now adorning the walls of the main part of the living room and these, of course, have filled it up even more). He's waiting for a heart bypass. After he's recovered from that and has renewed energy, I'm buying him a blimmin great shed to put all his stuff in so I can have my home back! Men are on a different planet.

My husband was very talented as a professional builder with very little he couldn't do around the house so for years if I wanted something done, he could do it. Now after an illness he does absolutely nothing around the house or garden so its all left to me. I do what I can, I've learnt to decorate and become quite handy. Some jobs I have had to get someone in or rely on friends to help. It is unbelievably frustrating when things need fixing and H keeps saying he will do it "later" or "tomorrow" and never does it of course! For instance I've waited 4 months for him to fix the toilet in the en-suite which has been out of action so tomorrow a plumber arrives! I agree with the other Gransnetters, start with one room and give it a cheap and cheerful makeover, who knows it might inspire your husband but if not, you will feel a great satisfaction!

icbn2802, I do understand how you feel. I find it very difficult to cope mentally if my surroundings are rundown.

You say your DH is busy,busy ,busy all the time. but do not say how much time you have to do things to improve matters. I also wonder how creative you are? I do not necessarily mean good at doing things, but, for example repainting the walls goes a long way to freshening a room, even if you have to buy the paint, tin by tin over several months. Go to car boot sales, look on ebay, visit church hall auctions, and flea markets, you can often pick up all kinds of home goods for very small sums.

Go online and look at sites like Pinterest to get ideas about cheap and cheerful make-overs. Start with the room that you most want to look better.

I understand that at the root of your unrest is your DH's attitude, but a lot can be done for very little expenditure.

Hi icbn, it sound as if you are possibly resentful about the debt from the first marriage and that underlies your frustration.

I agree with others who have said do what you can, yourself. Ripping out old ugly carpets is a good idea (depends what's under them of course).

teetime sorry but your comment about "putting your foot down" made me chuckle - firstly, I'd be interested to know whether it has ever worked for anyone and secondly I always think, what does it actually mean? I have this mental image of someone stomping around in a Rumperstiltskin tantrum ...

I have to say I'd be pretty miffed if my husband was available to all and sundry yet couldn't be bothered to help me.

Just a thought.... if you don't have the money for the tasks that need to be done and if you can't do them yourself would it be possible to have a reciprocal agreement with those your husband does feel inclined to help?

By this I mean that next time your husband does something for someone else could they then help you with something in the house for you?

What is under your carpets? if its floorboards, then can you lift the carpet? I did mine a bit at a time, cutting it into squares till I had the room cleared, then you could stain the floorboards or even do a colour wash with diluted paint.

if they are tiles, then you can take the carpet up, clean the tiles.

then add some rugs, google to see if you have a local freecycle or freegle page, or look in the local charity shops for a rug that's half decent.

I gave up on whole room decorating a few years back and now when I want a change I paint the walls, I've pained over the paper in the back room about 6 times so far.

look at this website, if you have one of these local to you, paint is around £1 a litre, all donated from either people, or companies like Wilkes or B&Q etc... paint that people have bought, opened and then changed their minds. I never ever pay full price for my paint.

www.recipro-uk.com/find

they also get kitchen units and doors from time to time, all brand new! (cancelled orders and end of range)