...to feel frustrated with husband....

Just a suggestion but could you tell him that even though you have asked for his help nothing is happening, so you have decided bit by bit to do what you can yourself, however you will not have time for cooking, ironing, housework etc so he can either take on those roles or you can live off sandwiches and show him how to use the toaster etc whilst you turn your hand to improving the look of the house.

Stevej4491........Going with the flow is for dead fish only. He would be a much happier chappie if he considered his wifes feelings first, because she would be sooooo nice to him afterwards because it would make her feel valued. Men don't get it that women go by their feelings They could muck in together, mold is not healthy and it's not like she's asking for the ruddy moon.

I love my husband very much but if he did not want to do things it would be a waste of time trying,he would get angry if I tried to do it (we both have health problems) and does not want any one else in to help,either paid or family /friends helping out.(Like most of us we do not have much to spare)
So slowly I persevere ,doing a little at a time and accepting what we can do.A friend said to me 'Make haste slowly' and that is what I am trying to do.

"Hence he was surplus to requirements and is now my ex."

Loopyloo never a wiser word about which type of husband is better. I knew a woman with a pernickety husband and she ended up with all sorts of mental health problems.

He is a man, they see things differently. I have come to that conclusion. A man who does not moan about the state of the place is better than than a fussy one who is always criticising.
Do you have a friend who could come and help tackle one room?
Are you all right in yourself? Sometimes my DH drives me up the wall and it's because I am below par for some reason.

Love the link to the recycling centre - I put in postcode and the nearest one is in Liverpool - (I love a couple of hundred miles away!!!!)

Absolutely his attention and focus should be on you and your home. Tell him this is a warning sign that he is not focusing. Have had it here...

Dont knock him dear ,my late husband(passed away ten years yesterday) was just the same . Go with the flow,he wont change ,believe me.

icbn2802 I understand how frustrated you feel, it is awful when you hate your surroundings and want to sort them out but are limited by time and funds. If your DH is working so hard then you can't expect him to do too much. My other half is totally useless at anything in the house other than ironing! He even managed to break the hoover. I find it easier to do everything myself in the long run. Sounds like you are pretty busy yourself too. If you are babysitting, why can't your daughter and son-in-law help with some of the decorating or cleaning at the weekend? You help them a lot, it's the least they can do. I agree with what everyone else has said about clearing the mould - a lot of which can be due to condensation if you haven't the right ventilation or are airing clothes indoors. Anti-mould paint is good and so is bleach. Freecycle gives you loads of stuff for nothing, just keep a look out and carpets, rugs, furnishings, all sorts are up for grabs frequently. You can make a lot of changes with minimum outlay. As for dirt and cobwebs - that's definitely down to you and there's no need at all for them to be there! DH probably does care, but men don't see mess like we do! The only houseproud ones I know are absolute fusspots and I wouldn't want to live with them! Sounds like you've got a reliable and hardworking man and once you start to make changes, you'll probably get him on board. Best of luck to you anyway. Main bit of advice: don't tackle it all at once, like everyone says, do one room at a time and declutter as much as you can. The main thing is to have a happy home.

I wish I could get on and do DIY myself but I'm having mobility problems which don't help one little bit though I used to do bits and bobs. I did suggest a skip but that went down like a lead balloon or rather he went off like a hand grenade. He's great with the GC but is just not interested in having a nice home. We both work and have the GC a fair bit but I do manage the cobwebs though the problem there is that the spiders seem to wait until I've wrecked them and then do a complete rebuild with extension!!! Hey ho! I guess we made our bed etc..........

I do everything myself or else I have to get a trademan in or my grandson a young teen will get pocket money for some jobs
I think the idea of asking the adults who you do childcare for may be a good idea to see if they can help
And definitely one room at a time do get rid of mouldy carpets nothing worse
If you were to start and ask your husband for help would he actually refuse ? That may be the way forward start the job then ask him to help you

I've not read all of the replies.....
But my first thought was "Why not do it yourself ?" I lived on my own after a divorce from a young marriage and before I met my husband. I got used to doing things myself and making my own decisions about my home. I still do that and my husband is happy that I do. Try that and maybe you'll accept him for what he is. Just a thought dear.

Oh I know how frustrating this can be my ex partner was exactly the same. Real grafter, doing jobs for all and sundry but never me or our home. I eventually did everything myself and what I couldn't do I put an ad out for odd job man, imagine his face when he came home and there was a man in the bedroom putting up new blinds. I loved doing it all myself in the end he never got a say in anything to do with the home after that. Hence he was surplus to requirements and is now my ex.

Both my ex husbands were useless at diy, so I learnt myself its really quite satisfying. Useless/lazy/uninterested probably all of those. You will be too busy to cook or do the ironing !

I have one just like yours. He does nothing if it has anything to do with the house....he just doesn't get it when I "go on about it". He will throw unnecessary money at a problem rather than deal with it at the time. SO...I don't tell him what I am going to do and I just go out and do it...like buying new carpets, furniture etc...I hire people to fix things that he could easily do and we end up cancelling them because he decides to do it....I manage to get everything done by him with this ploy....but it takes a lot of cunning and planning and timing!! A lot of my time is taken up with housework which he would never even think of doing. He plays with his trainset and model building and I miss out on my hobbies frequently. But hey, he's a good bloke in so many other ways. But I agree it is very frustrating!

I understand exactly how you feel. I have a husband who never gets round to doing things around here and if I nag him into it, it gets done churlishly which makes things unpleasant. In every other respect though, he is a model husband so it makes it difficult to complain. It doesn't stop me though!
On the few occasions I have just got workmen in, it has been a disaster. Four years on we are still having troubles with the plumbing done by a professional, a job which would have been done really well by hubby if I just could have waited.
I would say that if your DH does a lot for others but knows your house is depressing you but doesn't put you first, it shows a distinct lack of respect for you as a person which would be my argument with him. I am assuming he is not paid for doing stuff for others so if he is, that is probably unfair. I'd be having a real heart to heart with him about how I felt and asking him if there is any way to compromise.

It's difficult to come up with solutions without all the facts.

Does he still have a regular job or did he retire? What exactly does he do for others that takes up so much of his time? Does he do repairs in other people's homes? Are these people strangers, neighbors, close friends or loved ones? Should he be getting paid for any of this? Is he even handy enough to begin with?
I agree with you that the neglect and disrepair you describe is unacceptable for safety and health reasons and the obvious aesthetics. Perhaps you could appeal to his own 'pride of ownership'. It is after all his home too.....he should care too.

icbn2802I, I would be just as unhappy as you are!

I have some sympathy. I too have a husband who really isn't interested in our house, although when we visit friends he often comments how nice something looks! That drives me mad, when I think of everything that needs doing in ours. I do some bits myself, but can't manage a lot of what needs fixing/replacing. I do buy smaller things, but we desperately need a new settee and chairs, they are in an embarrassing state, but he just doesn't seem to notice. Then he announced he wanted the drive block paved. We don't seem to have the same priorities as there is really nothing wrong with the driveway. It would look nice I suppose, but meanwhile the furniture is falling apart!

I couldnt stand it, I think I would have to start on my own, and as others have said tackle one roon at a time, you will love the place again when you have finished, and you never know DH may get a guilty conscience and help! Good luck with your project,

"I try my hand at everything I possibly can, currently in various stages of decorating the hall, stairs & landing and two (daughters) bedrooms. It's a slow process when I also look after my grandson 2 days a week-an energetic & 'busy' 3 year old. As well as taking on a majority of household 'chores'."

Well there are other family in the picture and I think you should call for help. Are you 2 daughters old enough to help with the painting of their rooms. One of them at least could weild a roller. The Parents of the grandchild could help. I know someone has to look after the grandchild but 2 adults and maybe your daughters still at home should be able to achieve alot in a day. I think you need a family conference.

Not unreasonable to have a bit of a rant as far as I'm concerned. Obviously not everyone agrees

What a lot for you to sort out. It sounds like your husband is burying his head in the sand here .....two reasons. As you said he admits he has,nt got a lot of patience for doing all this sort of thing....secondly financial. As it's not possible to get someone in to do various jobs he probably feels quite bad about it,knowing it's the debt he has to repay that is preventing you getting on top of things. It seems it's his way of coping by taking a more relaxed view of it all. I really sympathise with you as have been in a tight squeeze financially myself a long time ago and it's hard to feel cheerful when everything needs lots doing to it. I would write a few little lists for yourself of the things you consider to be most urgent and start with the easiest and least expensive and work from there. Try and stick to one room at a time..as then you can tick it off your list and know it's done before doing the next room. I always painted everywhere in emulsion for a really quick result ...so easy to keep looking fresher and cheaper than wallpaper. Carpet tiles can be bought as and when you can afford them (few at a time until you have enough) very easy to lay and really hard-wearing. Try places like Wickes...The Range..Homebase..their prices are very reasonable and you can order on line with quick delivery times. Once you make inroads you will feel more upbeat. You have a good husband at heart and that is the most important of all.

Actually I'd advise against trying to persuade a disinterested partner to help with the DIY. I tried it once and decided never to bother again. The disinterest really showed in the result

Do you have a Time Bank in your area?

Ours is run by our local CVS. People are always offering their services and building up credits then maybe some of the work he does for others can give you credits for the jobs you would like done by other members of your community. Just a thought!